“Bye baby, love you. I’ll be home around seven” He said kissing my forehead as he walked out of the door. It was strange for me to be off when he went to work, I wasn’t too sure what to do with myself. It was strange that he was being nice to me in the first place, he hadn’t been acting like this recently. I assumed it was because he was out the other night after work and probably went to his fling’s house. He didn’t think I knew about her, but when he leaves his phone in the bedroom as he takes a shower and she calls, I can’t deny what I already know to be all too true.
I walked into the kitchen to make myself breakfast and coffee, turning the stove top on as I grabbed a frying pan to make my eggs. I turned on the keurig machine, letting the water heat up before I made myself my French vanilla coffee. I went about my morning, sipping my coffee, and eating my egg and cheese sandwich while watching the news. It was only seven thirty, and I had no idea what to do today. The house was clean, laundry was done and I was up to date on my credits for my recertification. I walked through the house looking for something to do, and found myself on the couch watching tv for a few hours, nothing too special, just day time trash and soap operas that I hadn’t watched in months and it seemed like they were still on the same day I stopped watching on.
I had fallen asleep on the couch for a few hours, still bored out of my mind as I woke up but now it was lunch time at three o clock in the afternoon and I made myself a grilled chicken salad. I resumed my spot on the couch after finishing my lunch dreading the end of the next lonely four hours. As bored as I was, it was nice to be home on my own, not fearing what my words or actions could do to set him off. I had been having an idea for a few weeks now, and I had hit a point of being sure of it. I couldn’t think of any better time to do it, I had gotten to enjoy a day of peace, taken a nap and end it on my own. I grabbed a cigarette out of my new pack of Marlboro Menthol’s and sat at the kitchen table as I lit it. I grabbed the fresh bottle of Jack Daniels from the liquor cabinet and opened it up, drinking straight from the bottle. Fuck him and his fucking “rules”. I had dealt with his bullshit for long enough, and I was done with it. But I was entirely too terrified to leave him.
I walked upstairs to the bathroom and ran a bath for myself, throwing in my favorite lavender bubble bath. I inhaled deeply, allowing the scent to consume me before I was hit with the reality of the situation. I went back downstairs to grab the bottle I had left on the table and went back upstairs with it as I took another large gulp. I opened up the mirror vanity to find my anti depressants and sleeping aid. It should do the trick. I pulled my friend from it’s hiding spot, admiring how clean and shiny I managed to keep it, even in hiding.
I pulled off my shorts and tank top, lighting another cigarette, flicking the ash in the sink as I stared at the reflection in the mirror that pained me to see. My eyes were hollow spaces that used to hold large green eyes, my skin was paler than Casper, and my ten years of strength training and boxing had disappeared in a matter of two years. I used to be so full of life, so happy all the time. But these days I was miserable, depressed and terrified. There was no other way out, I needed to save myself from the hell I had been stuck in for years.
I threw the cigarette in the toilet when I was finished with it, flushing it away, much like I had been doing with the past few years of my life. I looked in the two bottles, each held about five pills giving me a total of ten. I wasn’t sure how much that would do for me, but combined with the whiskey and lacerations to my arm I think I’d succeed. I shoved half the pills in my mouth washing it down with the jack and did the same with the rest. I slid into the bath, turning the jets on to enjoy this as much as I could before I held the blade to my arm not moving it just yet. I pushed down and dragged it down the length of my forearm, watching as the blood poured from my vein like a river. I made a few more cuts horizontally across my arm for good measure before placing it on the side of the tub. I watched as my blood dripped into the water turning it to a crimson color. I was beginning to see stars and knew I was close as I weakly raised the bottle to my lips to finish it off. My right arm fell to the side, dropping the bottle to the floor hearing it make a clinking noise. I heard a faint noise coming from the sink, my phone was ringing. My ringtone was ‘Drella’ by Pierce the Veil. It was only fitting the last thing I would hear is my first love’s voice whom I ran from when I was too afraid of the consequences. “But I've been driving you around; I didn't think it could have lasted. Now we broke another bracelet, tore it off your wrist tonight. And now that Cinderella's gone, she swallowed up the sun; a middle-class explosion could be nice”.
Vic would forever be my favorite explosion, we had bad times but everything good we did together would forever make it all better. Fortunately he would never see the mess I became. My phone rang again, someone obviously wanted to get in touch with me but didn’t realize the last time they spoke to me would have been the last. I smiled at the last conversation I had with my big brother knowing I had made sure to make it known how much I loved and cared about it. I hoped he would take care of Daddy.
I wasn’t sure how long it was that I laid in the bathtub before I started to lose consciousness, hearing my phone ring once again. I felt a small smile grace my lips as I whispered to no one but myself, “I love you” before feeling myself slipping into the darkness finally allowing myself to be consumed by it.
I felt a pair of arms scoop under me pulling me from the bathtub and placing me on top of the bath mat. I was so close, why couldn’t you just let me have this?! I screamed internally, unable to voice anything.

“Scarlett?!” I heard a voice yelling urgently. “Scarlett, please baby wake up! Please!” They continued to yell. I wasn’t sure who it was but all I could still hear was Vic’s sweet voice singing.

“Scarlett don’t leave me, please” they sobbed holding me in their arms. “Oh my God” I heard them gasp as they placed my left arm above my head. I was placed on the floor as they went to get a phone I had guessed to call to get me help. No one could help me now, I was too far gone. I felt a set of hands wrapping something around my arm, trying to hold pressure to control the bleeding.

“Scarlett, baby please. I know you’re there. Please beautiful, you can do this”. It was Danny. He was the only one who ever called me ‘beautiful’ instead of using my name. I wanted to tell him to fuck off, that he was the reason for this but my voice failed me. I was beginning to fall back out of reality again as I felt myself being placed ontop of a sheet as Danny explained what he walked in to see. All I saw were stars, and the memories of California flood my vision as everything turned to black.


I shot up from my sleep, drenched in sweat and sobbing. I had never been able to remember what had happened that day and truthfully I never wanted to. I heard a few footsteps come rushing down the stairs to see Mike and Vic come rushing towards me on the couch where I had laid down to take a nap. Vic held me in his arms, running his hands through my hair in an attempt to calm me down but nothing was working. My left arm felt like it was on fire and my head was pounding.
“Scarlett what’s wrong?” Mike asked kneeling in front of me, his hands resting on my knee.
I shook my head unable to form words, afraid to speak. I didn’t want to remember what happened that day, I had managed to block it out from my memory until today.
They both sat with me, trying to calm me down for about twenty minutes, Mike only getting up to get me water to drink as I obviously was beginning to become dehydrated.
“Scarlett, should we call Austin?” Vic said softly unsure if Austin would be able to handle me like this any better.

“No.” I stated shortly not wanting Austin to find out this way.

“Letty tell me what’s wrong. What happened? Please talk to me”

“What day is it?” I asked as my breathing began to slow as I began to piece things together for myself.

“It’s Sunday” Mike answered. I shook my head, that not being the answer I wanted. “Oh! It’s March 19th” he said again realizing what I meant.

I sighed as I buried my head into Vic’s chest feeling a few more tears fall down my face. Vic noticed, wiping them away with his thumb.

“Baby, what does that mean?” he asked confused. I didn’t blame him for being confused. I never told him exactly what day I had tried to off myself.

“It’s been two years since I tried to kill myself” I whispered feeling myself begin to cry again.

Vic’s response was to pull me closer to him, not wanting anything else to hurt me. I could feel the hurt in his body language, and the shock from Mike.

I heard Mike stand up leaving Vic and I alone in the living room as he continued to hold me while I continued to cry. I had been so good for the past two weeks, not thinking about anything from North Carolina since I told him about what had happened. I had managed to not think about anything that reminded me of that place. I had returned to work and enjoying every minute of it. My fears had been dismissed when I realized no one knew who I was and I would not be associated with him at all.

I felt myself beginning to calm down as Vic placed a kiss on my forehead and lifting my chin to look at him.

“What happened doll face?” He asked pushing my hair back.


“I remember it Vic. I never wanted to remember that day. There was so much detail it felt like it was happening all over again. I don’t ever want to feel that again. I can’t handle that. I had managed to push it away, I don’t want it to come back now” I sighed as he took my hand in his, interlocking our fingers.


“You never have to feel that way again, Scarlett. I’m right here, and I’m going to be here for everything and anything you may need me for.” He said kissing me lightly.


“I love you” I said as my way of thanking him, unable to form any other type of words. He smiled pressing his forehead against mine. “I love you” He said kissing me again.
The burning sensation has disappeared from my arm as he subconsciously ran his free hand up and down it a few times, silently knowing it was bothering me.


“God I’m sorry I’m such a mess” I said hanging my head.


“Never” He said lifting my head up again. “You’re not a mess Scarlett. A bit of an explosion at times, but I wouldn’t have it any other way. You’re my favorite explosion.”


My eyes went wide as he said the last part and I could tell he was worried if he had triggered something in me. “How did you know that’s what I called you?” I asked curious to know.

“I didn’t.” He laughed, “I think I coined it first though. It’s the first line of ‘Besitos’” he smiled at me.

“Guess I didn’t catch that one” I laughed leaning my head on his shoulder.

He positioned his arms underneath me to pick me up as he walked me upstairs.

“Where we going?” I asked confused.

“Let’s get you cleaned up, you’re kinda gross from all that sweating” he laughed.

“You’re the best Vic” I smiled kissing his cheek as we reached the top of the stairs where he let me down.

“Go take a shower, I’ll have warm clothes waiting for you when you’re done” He said kissing me as I wrapped my arms around his neck. HE pulled away a few minutes later, smiling. “Go!” He laughed, “You’re still gross from boxing this morning”

“You are no fun at all Mr. Fuentes” I pouted.

“Oh god, you think that still works?” He laughed. I kept my position hoping it would work. He was starting to crack but turned around before he did. “Shower, Carlile” He insisted. I sighed realizing I had lost this round and opened the door to the bathroom. Before I closed it all the way, I popped my head through the crack I had left open, “Hey Vic?” I called down the hallway.

“Yes Scarlett?” He said turning around.

“I love you” I smiled blowing a kiss at him. He caught it holding it to his heart as he sent one back, “I love you” he smiled back as I closed the door and got in the shower.
I smiled to myself as I stood in the shower allowing the water to run down my back for a few minutes, reflecting on the past two months. Coming home was the best decision I could have made, my only regret was not doing it sooner.

Notes