The Life and Lies of The How-To Manual

“YOU ASS-QUEEF!” Mike shouted at Tony. The Turtle looked at him apologetically.

“Sorry! I didn’t mean to!” Turtle apologized. Mike smacked him upside the head.

“Ass-Queef? I thought it was butt-queef.” Vic murmured to Jaime.

“They’re interchangeable.” Jaime shrugged. Turtled hid behind Autumn as Mike aimed high to smack what was left of his brains.

The early summer day was pretty beautiful. After we had gotten a plumber to help us out at the Arizona rest stop, we decided to stop for lunch. However, the only big town closest to us was thirty miles away. The bus had hummed along the highway, singing an unknown tune to the rest of us. I had fallen asleep next to Jaime, who was snoring loudly. I shoved a sock in his mouth, one of Mike’s, actually. He choked and nearly puked out the window.

It was quite hilarious, actually.

Once we had gotten into the town, the vehicle had rolled to a slow stop in the back part of a small Italian restaurant. The smells had wafted through the air, throwing up smells that tantalize my senses. The food was screaming for me to devour it.

We all went into the restaurant and sat down, ordering our food. Like usual, Jaime had ordered for me since I could say “Fettuccini Alfredo” just yet. It was my favorite dish, but I couldn’t pronounce it.

When the waiter came out, she looked like she was going to have a massive panic attack. It turns out that she was a huge Pierce the Veil fan. Or maybe she just like Mexicans. Very sexy Mexicans. It could go either way.

After a few signatures, amazing food, and Turtle coloring on the kid’s menu, we all packed up and headed out back.

Turns out, Turtle had locked the keys in the bus.

Vic whined that he had to pee really badly. Mike was yelling at Turtle for being an idiot. Autumn was yelling at Mike for yelling at Turtle. Jaime was on top of the bus trying to see if he could find a way in from the latched opening on the roof. I was lounging in the shade, fiddling with the pages of my how-to manual.

“I gotta peeee!” Vic moaned like a little kid. Mike slapped his brother’s arm. I think he was just in a slapping mood.

“Go inside and ask the waiter that you were oogling at!” Mike growled. Vic whined that we had good smelling soap in the bus. Mike slapped Turtle (again) and told him that if he hadn’t locked us out, Vic wouldn’t be whining so much.

Jaime stomped on the roof and nearly fell off. I yelled at him for being a dumbass. Tony yelled that we were all being mean to him. Autumn yelled at Mike for being mean to Tony. Vic yelled that he still had to pee.

We were all just yelling.

With a sigh, I felt my anxiety rise up. I hated when people were yelling, even in funny situation. It made me shake and go haywire. It’s just a little anxiety tic that I had.

Sliding down the side of Mike’s face on the bus, I rested in the shade. Taking out the book, I flipped through the pages, hoping to find something that would help us.

How to change a lightbulb, how to plant a garden, how rewire a TV set, how to open a locked door…

That last one might help.

I skipped to the page, feeling a small gust from the pages flapping by my face. The book blurred together until I discovered the eighty second page. Scanning the words, I reviewed the diagrams and memorized the instructions.

For doors that have a keyhole, use these instructions….

For doors that have no keyhole, follow these directions…

I checked the door, looking up and seeing nothing. I decided to go with the latter set of instructions. I thumbed to the next page to read those set of directions. Vic yelled that he had to pee again. Mike put his hands on his hips and shook his head.

First, locate a credit card or something else thin.

Put it in the crack of the door where the lock is. Slide it back and forth until it either breaks or it comes between the lock and the hole where it is place. (If it’s your credit card and it breaks, you are screwed.)

If that doesn’t work, attempt to be a Kung Fu black belt and kick down the door.*

*Don’t sue us if you break your leg.

I sighed and slammed the book closed. I see why Alfred wasn’t making millions off his “greatest how-to book ever”. Shaking my head, I decided that the best way to do this was my own way.

I silently cursed Turtle for locking the keys in the door. I also cursed the key manufacture for combining the locking system and the car start system in one key. So much for saving money on parts…

Standing up, I walked to the door and jiggled the handle. Yes, it was tightly sealed. I took out a piece of paper and folded it, trying the first method. The lock was a solid chunk of metal embedded in the door when turned. With a sigh, I pressed my ear against the door and turned it again.

I was listening for where the locking mechanism was placed. If I could hear where the clicking was, I could know where to, ahem, aim…

Vic threw me an odd lock as I listened to a solid piece of plastic and metal. The clicking sound was right above the handle, about two inches up. I took a step back on the stairs and gently knocked on that area. It sounded different from when I knocked on other parts of the door.

By now, the others had fallen silent. Even Jaime was looking down from the roof. They were all giving me looks as if I was a dumb kid trying to figure out how to open a jar.

“Um, MD. I think we should just call that Triple A guy again. He won’t be very happy, but will do it.” Mike suggested. He crossed his arms and looked at me from his shades. I shook my head, silently positioning myself.

Deciding that the first step wasn’t tall enough, I walked to the building and pulled out a large box they had left. It was sturdy enough that I could stand on safely. Everyone stared at me curiously. I was about a foot away from the door. Taking a deep breath, I closed my eyes.

With a grunt, I lifted up my leg and kicked the spot where the lock was. Well, it wasn’t so much of a kick as firmly slamming my right heel into the lock and feeling it give. There was a loud crunching noise as the door then freed itself and swung open.

I stepped off the box with a triumphant grin and walked inside. Everyone was standing, dumbstruck, outside.

“Um, since when did you become a karate master?” Tony asked. I shrugged and pointed to my how-to manual. It didn’t really help, but I guess I had my first entry.

“Jaime!” I yelled up to him and went to open the latch. He jumped through, landing down a moment later. He was grinning and kissed my cheek.

“Aren’t you a superhero.” He chuckled. I rolled my eyes as they clapped.

“I GOTTTTTAAAA PEEEEEE!” Vic yelped and pushed past me. He dove into the bathroom like a swimmer starting a race. There was a sigh of relief coming from the locked room as we all gathered in the front lounge. Turtle triumphantly held the keys in one hand.

“Got them!” He laughed. Autumn flicked his nose and he cried out.

“Thanks to MD, you saved your ass from sleeping alone tonight.” She grumbled and snagged the ring. It was her turn to drive. Turtle blushed and grabbed her wrist. He spun her around and leaned in to kiss her. She pushed his face away with her hand stormed off to the front of the bus. Turtle looked like he had been flipped on his shell again.

“Thanks, Ding. I think you saved Vic’s bladder.” Mike laughed and he tumbled down onto a couch to stretch out and watch a game that was going on right now.

“Willow Caston, official bad-ass-door-breaker.” Jaime chuckled. I grinned and sat down with my book a pencil. I flipped to the eighty second page and began to write in the top corner above the bold letters falsely telling me how to open a door.

How to Break Open a Tour Bus Door:

1.Find a box.
2.Stand on the box.
3.Lean into the door and jiggle the handle until you hear a clicking sound. Locate the exact position of the clicking sound. (This is the lock mechanism.)
4.Jiggle the handle.
5.Make sure no one kicks you off the box.
6.Imagine yourself actually being able to be a karate master. (No black belt required.)
7.Pretend that you might not actually epically fail.
8.Firmly kick the door using your heel. Your foot should fall flat against the door.
9.As the door falls down, don’t fall back off the box.
10. Cheer loudly because you are a bad ass for breaking down a door.
11. Slap Turtle for forgetting the keys in the bus.

You have now successfully broken down like a BAMF. Be proud. No training required.

Notes

Yay! The second chapter is up! I hope you all like it. These how-to entries are loosely based on fact. (Kind of, only partially.) Anyways, I hoped this was at least a little funny.

Thanks, everyone!