The Life and Lies of The How-To Manual

“JAAAAIIIMMMMEE!” I whined for him. He was still asleep in his bunk. I don’t know why that butt-queef isn’t up yet. He promised me pancakes this morning and I’m hungry!

“Autumn, control your friend!” Jaime whined. I sat on the couch as Autumn yawned and poured a mug of coffee.

“She’s your girlfriend! She does what she wants!” Autumn yelled back. Turtle looked as if he had been flipped on his shell and was going to pass out any moment. Autumn shoved a mug of coffee in his face. I laughed slightly.

Ever since two years ago, I had made little improvement. My vocabulary was limited to: “Ding”, “Jaime”, “I love you”, and “BIIIITTTCH.” With sass, of course. Now, I could kind of laugh and make a variety of annoyed noises.

“Jaimmmmeeee!” I whined again. I lay on the opposite couch, pretending to writhe in pain as I died slowly of lack-of-coffee-itis.

“Get her coffee, Himes.” Turtle whined and sipped his own drink. He yelped as he discovered it was too hot. You see, Autumn had this thing where she liked to make drinks really hot because she was the only one on earth who could drink two hundred degree coffee.

“Man up, weenie.” She stated. Tony whined until Autumn pet his head and he calmed down. Please don’t ask me why she did this. I only knew that this was their thing.

Snape and Lilly Potter had always.

Augustus and Hazel had okay.

Autumn and Turtle had petting his hair.

It was a thing. Newest trend of the decade. Do it now before you get behind in the social world or whatever.

“Fine.” Himes rolled out of his bunk and stumbled to make a new mug. I smiled as he passed.

“I love you.” I smiled. He let out a little yawn and laughed.

“I know you do.” He chuckled. The sun streamed through the windows as I basked in a light. The bus’s tires hummed along the road. It had been two years since I had been on tour with the boys. I had gone to college, got a degree, and now graduated. My current job was the official unofficial assistant to the bassist.

I was officially titled an unofficial job. It was kind of hard to explain to my mom with the lack of vocabulary and all…

“We’re stopping!” Vic called out. It was early in the morning. He would switch driving with Mike at this little rest stop we pulled into. I needed to pee badly and of course, the toilets had decided to stop working.

Needless to say, we had all been very grumpy.

As the bus rolled to a screeching stopped, Mike, Tony, and I made a mad dash to the door. Vic called a triple A guy to come fix the plumbing. If the showers stopped working, I think a World War Three would start on the bus. We had to get it fixed.

I scurried out to the ladies room. Autumn followed me casually. Thank fully, she didn’t have the bladder of a chicken, like I did. If she had to pee, she would destroy anyone in her way. By destroy, I meant that not even the children were safe!

After a few minutes, I finished up and washed my hands. I spent at least three minutes smelling the orange soap and trying to decide if I liked it or not. Wrinkling my nose, I rid my skin of the cleanser and walked out, drying them on the way. The bathrooms were located in the little side stop that had a mini store in it.

While I waited for the diva boys to pee (because it took them a literal forever to), I decided to check out the shop.

There were aisles of crackers, slim jims, and best of all, the random post card and book section. I like post cards. The pictures are fun to look at and see. Some of them are funny, some are just beautiful, but all are completely useless since I never use them.

My eye got caught on the books. I read most of them. Others were car manuals, one was a Cosmo magazine (at which I shuddered and skipped past it), and even a how-to guide.

I was curious at what the manual was on, since it just said How-to… So I picked it up and started flipping through it. It was a paper backed book with black letters on the spine that read The Greatest Guide of Alfred’s Basic Home Repairs: A How-To Manual. I skimmed through the table of contents. There were lists of things that could be fixed.

The sink, the squeaky cabinet door, the annoying boyfriend that keeps coming over, the shaking washer….everything. It was one hundred and fifty pages of how to solve issues around the house. At the back, three pages caught my attention.

How-to do it yourself!

(Write your solutions to problems not mentioned in this book, or your own home remedies!)

A little idea sparked in my head. I’ve always wanted to make a scrapbook, but never had the patience to do so. Instead, I could write my own how-to manual on stuff! I’ll just keep a sort of diary to record things in my life.

With a smile on my face, I went to the cashier. The book was just big enough to fit in my pocket, but not be too bulky, even with the one hundred and fifty pages. I threw a handful of bills at the cashier and ran out with the book. Diving back onto the bus, I passed Autumn at the pump who was filling up the bus. I waved and jumped into the vehicle. Jaime was sitting on the couch, soaking up the moments of pieces.

“JAIME!” I yelled in excitement. He opened one lazy eye.

“Hey, MD.” He smiled. I showed him my newest prize, like a hunting dog bringing back a dog. He looked at it curiously.

“A how-to manual?” He asked. I nodded. “For what?”

I opened my mouth and then shut it in frustration. Scrambling for paper, I quickly summarized my master plan. He looked at me oddly.

“Like what how-to?” He asked me. I shrugged and went back to my bunk, tossing my book in with my sweatshirt and phone. Going back to Jaime, he looked so peaceful, so relaxed. He had his eyes closed and took even breaths, one leg dangling over the edge of the couch.

So I decided to flop on top of him and ruin his serenity.

He grunted as I flopped down and put my head on his chest. His hands wrapped around my back, holding me closer to him.

“You’re a flubbernugget.” He grumbled. I looked at him curiously.

“Oh, well you’re my nugget and you’re a flubber, so you’re a flubbernugget.” He explained. I kept staring.

“Flubber, as in, flubbering, flubber-er, flubber-ology, the study of FLUBBER!” He cried out. I shook my head and sighed softly.

“Sorry, I didn’t sleep much last night.” He closed his eyes, leaning back on the couch. I put my head on his chest, laughing lightly.

“I can tell.” I mouthed to him. He patted my back.

“Go to sleep, my little nugget.” He sighed.

“Jaime…”

“I must be hungry, too.”

Notes

Hello everyone! This is the very first chapter to the sequel of Jaime Preciado and the Mighty Ding! Ding and the gang are back in a funny adventure that's all new! I'm going to try to make it as funny to you guys as possible, so feel free to tell me what you thought was hilarious and what wasn't. All advice appreciated!

Thanks, my lovely flubbernuggets!!!