Why Do You Torture Me So?

I let out a howl, looking up at the Californian night sky. Nothing was right. Why was nothing right? I let out screams of pain and anger than I had held in for so long. I had once again lost the ones I needed the most.
I just screamed and screamed again and again until my screams turned into just sobs and cries. I was truly alone. I had no one left for me to love. No one to care for me. No one gave a damn.
I inched closer to the edge of the ledge, trying to pick up my book without falling. I leaned forward and grabbed it with my two fingers pulling it closer to me. I had it, it was in my lap. I picked the pencil out of it and wrote down in tiny letters, what would be my last goodbye to them.
I had planned this out for so long. For the two and a half months that went by since I burned down that wretched house in Pennsylvania, and ran away to the safety of San Deigo. I had planned this out. All the fights that happened and the accident with me and the car…It was all part of my plan.
I had to write four letters…One for each of the people I let down and fucked up. One for each of them…Tony Perry, Jaime Preciado, Mike Fuentes and last but not least Victor Vincent Fuentes. I fucked each and every one of their lives up by just being there. So now I must return the favor of giving them piece.
I brought pencil to paper and began to write out the notes, the only ones that would ever be found.
But time brought me quickly to the last letter, I had already told Jaime, Tony and Mike that I loved them and was so sorry for all actions including this one. I asked for their forgiveness from on the other side.
The rain poured on over me, damping the ground around me but not my clothes. The makeshift umbrella was holding up. I had already cried myself out so much I only let out dry heaves when I cried.
I placed pencil to paper and began to write once more.
“Dear Victor Vincent Fuentes,
I figured I’d address you by your full name after calling you that for such a long time. I wanted to thank you and Say ‘I’m so sorry.’ Weep for yourself, my man I’ll never be what is in your heart. Weep Little Lion Man, I’m not as brave as I was at the start. Rate yourself and rake yourself, Take all the courage you have left. Wasted on fixing all the problems that I made in my own head. But it was not your fault but mine, and it was your heart on the line. I really fucked it up this time. Didn't I, my dear? Didn't I, my dear?”
Little Lion Man fluttered in my head as I began to write the beginning down. It made sense for what I was feeling. I was running away from all of my problems instead of facing them. So let me hurt.
I really did Fuck it up this time. I knew that and so did everyone else. Let me burn.
“Vic, you’re very strong…Me, not so much,” I smiled sadly looking at the bag that sat out in front of me in the rain. It held all my valuables in it, anything that they would need. Anything that they didn’t was already burned. I was never one for keeping old ruined shit. This was he time to put my foot down.
“I’m writing this because I’m leaving you. I’m leaving you and Mike, Tony and Jaime all alone and behind and I never intended for this. I hope you find it in your heart to forgive me.” A few tears made their way onto the paper as I wiped at my eyes and bit my bottom lip with harshness. I could feel the blood trickle up, the metallic taste felt good in my dry mouth.
“When you get this, you’ll be home. Safe in your own little bed with the night stars painted above you. I hope you like the stars I stole for you, One hundred million twinkle lights in neon blue. I'll be the brightest someday! I’m going to shine from the sky and make sure you look for me every night. The north Star, always look for me. “
I looked up, seeing the stars again, why was I doing this again? Oh I know now. They don’t need me around so I’m running away from my problems and fighting my demons for one last time.
“Victor Vincent, don’t you dare forget who you are and why you have you’re three idiots. They’re there to carry you when you’re weak. Well, I guess this is goodbye. You know, I’ve never been much for goodbyes. I hate the ending myself, but it all started with a scene. I refuse to make this the last goodbye.
With lots of love,
Alice Abigail
Find me in the Stars.”
I folded up the note and placed it in the envelope with Vic’s address on it and licked it shut.
“No going back now.” I told myself, putting the note in my bag and pulling it away from the ledge. But ,my body replaced it as I inched closer and closer to the edge. I stood up wobbling a tad as I looked over the edge of the metal bridge I was on.
I reached my hand into my pocket and pulled my phone out and clicked on the emergency contact. It sent a four way phone call to them. But none of them picked up. I’m not surprised though. Until the very last ring, where I was preparing myself for giving a short voicemail; A soft voice answered on the other end.
“Hello?” He asked with sleep heavy in his voice. “Is someone there?” He asked again and I let out a shaky breathe.
“It’s Alice, I just needed to call.” I said and I heard him clear his throat.
“Hey Alice, you haven’t been answering my texts nor calls so I got worried. What’s up?” He asked and I bit my lip again blinking the tears back.
“I just was wondering when you guys would be back.” I croaked out wiping away the tears that threatened to spill over the edge.
“We’re getting home now. Where are you? I can come pick you up.” He said and I could hear the jingle of his car keys as he walked.
“No!’ I cried out loudly! “I’m okay…I umm…I wanted to give you all a call and say umm…” I trailed off looking away from the phone as I bit my lip.
“Alice? Say what?” He asked and something dropped in the background.
“I wanted to say goodbye.” The words were like lumps of coal in my throat but I let them out taking a step closer to the edge.
“No! Alice, listen to me! None of us are mad at you! None of us hate you or think you’re fucked up. Listen to me please!” I heard him crying the words out to me as I looked over the edge.
“Vicky, you’re wrong.” I replied looking at the sky once again.
“I’ll always love you Victor. Don’t hate me.” I heard him blitzing down the street in his car but I was so far away from him now.
“No! Wait!” Now the voice wasn’t on the phone. It was behind me getting closer and closer.
“Vic doesn’t get any closer,” I cried out falling to my knees as he ran forward. Tears that were hiding cascaded down my face as he fell in front of me. I leaned my head on the wall that was to my left and hit my head off of it a few times while I cried.
“Alice please,” Victor said reaching out to me as I pushed backwards to get away.
“No Vic! I can’t hurt you guys anymore!” I pushed him back but he grabbed onto my wrist as I fell backwards off of the ledge. My mouth opened emitting a scream to pass through my lips.
“Don’t let go!” He yelled grabbing my cut up wrist and I let out a hiss trying to gain my footing. Vic tried to pull me up but I couldn’t hold on…his hands were wet from sweat and the rain and my hand was slipping from his.
“Vicky…I can’t…I’m so sorry,” I said letting go of his hand.
“Nooo~!” Was the last thing I heard as I crashed into the water below.

Notes

Not the end of Alice I promise!
Stay turned.
xoxo