You're The Only Thing That's Keeping Me Alive
You Say This Is Suicide, I Say This Is a War
I woke up to the sound of a beeping monitor.
I already knew where I was.
I remember what I did.
I just don't remember how or when I got here.
"You're awake!"
I heard Jaime's familiar voice.
"Where am I?"
"You're in the hospital... You hurt yourself, but you're okay now." he smiled.
He wouldn't say I cut myself.
I know I did.
I guess he thinks I don't remember.
"Jaime.. You can say it. I know what I did. It's okay, I wanna know what happened.."
I looked down.
"You hit a vein and passed out.. The doctor had to make sure the baby was okay, and it is thank god. And I knows if it's a boy or girl! Do you want to?"
"No. I want it to be a surprise."
"Alright, alright." He laughed.
"When do I get to go home? And is everyone mad at me? Where are they?"
"You can go home now if you want. You've been here for 2 days. Of course they're not! They're all worried sick about you! And they're out getting you things."
"Two days?! Geez. Yeah, I wanna go home now."
We made it back to the bus and everyone jumped right up to hug me. Even Oli was there.
"Are you okay?!"
"Is the baby okay?!"
"What happened?!"
"Did you even wake up these past two days?!"
I got bombarded with all of these questions.
my tummy was even bigger now.
I ran to the bathroom to puke.
Tony came and held back my hair for me and Nicole got me water.
"I just want it out of me!" I shouted "I didn't sign up for this! I didn't want this! Fuck!"
Tony hugged me tight while I cried into his shoulders.
"it's okay baby, I know." he whispered.
Oli walked into the room.
I seen Nicole motion him to get out, but I stopped him.
"Wait. Oli, what you did to me... I have to live with for the rest of my life. I can't forget it. It's going to be looking me in the face everyday. I'm going to be feeding it and giving it clothes. I have to live with this, for the rest of my life. Were you not thinking that day? What the fuck was going through your mind? Why did you do this to me Oli? You have to live with this too. This has been so hard on my life for all these months, and you don't even understand. I could've died last night, and that would've killed my baby, OUR baby, because of that memory." I was then crying again and Tony told Oli to leave.
He walked out the door and Nicole told everyone what happened.
It feels so much better to get that out.
"I just feel like I betrayed you..." I told Tony.
"No, you were... Forced. I love you Yaressi. And I'm going to help you through every minute of this. I promise." He kissed my forehead.
Jaime came over to me and gave me a big hug.
"You're like my sister Yess. I'm gonna protect you and help you through this. We all are. I'm glad you got out what you needed to Oli."
I smiled at him. "Thank you Jaime."
"It'll be okay. You don't have much longer. You've made it this far, you can make 3-4 more months." Vic said and hugged me.
"I'm so proud of you for what you said. I'm glad you didn't give up. Please don't hurt yourself again. It just... Breaks me." Nicole stated and squeezed me tight.
"We're so glad to have you here Yaressi. You're a great person, and Tony's so much happier with you. And if he's happy, we're all happy." Mike smiled and hugged me also.
They all made me feel so much better and I was crying tears of joy now.
"Thank you guys. I love you all so much."
"We love you too."
I walked to the kitchen and got something quick to eat and headed off to bed.
I climbed under the covers and not too long after, so did Tony.
He wrapped his protective arms around my body and said "don't ever do what you did the other night again. I love you so much and I don't know what I'd do without you. You make me the happiest man in the world. Goodnight beautiful, sweet dreams." He kissed my cheek.
I couldn't stop smiling.
"I love you too."
I whispered before falling fast asleep.
I already knew where I was.
I remember what I did.
I just don't remember how or when I got here.
"You're awake!"
I heard Jaime's familiar voice.
"Where am I?"
"You're in the hospital... You hurt yourself, but you're okay now." he smiled.
He wouldn't say I cut myself.
I know I did.
I guess he thinks I don't remember.
"Jaime.. You can say it. I know what I did. It's okay, I wanna know what happened.."
I looked down.
"You hit a vein and passed out.. The doctor had to make sure the baby was okay, and it is thank god. And I knows if it's a boy or girl! Do you want to?"
"No. I want it to be a surprise."
"Alright, alright." He laughed.
"When do I get to go home? And is everyone mad at me? Where are they?"
"You can go home now if you want. You've been here for 2 days. Of course they're not! They're all worried sick about you! And they're out getting you things."
"Two days?! Geez. Yeah, I wanna go home now."
We made it back to the bus and everyone jumped right up to hug me. Even Oli was there.
"Are you okay?!"
"Is the baby okay?!"
"What happened?!"
"Did you even wake up these past two days?!"
I got bombarded with all of these questions.
my tummy was even bigger now.
I ran to the bathroom to puke.
Tony came and held back my hair for me and Nicole got me water.
"I just want it out of me!" I shouted "I didn't sign up for this! I didn't want this! Fuck!"
Tony hugged me tight while I cried into his shoulders.
"it's okay baby, I know." he whispered.
Oli walked into the room.
I seen Nicole motion him to get out, but I stopped him.
"Wait. Oli, what you did to me... I have to live with for the rest of my life. I can't forget it. It's going to be looking me in the face everyday. I'm going to be feeding it and giving it clothes. I have to live with this, for the rest of my life. Were you not thinking that day? What the fuck was going through your mind? Why did you do this to me Oli? You have to live with this too. This has been so hard on my life for all these months, and you don't even understand. I could've died last night, and that would've killed my baby, OUR baby, because of that memory." I was then crying again and Tony told Oli to leave.
He walked out the door and Nicole told everyone what happened.
It feels so much better to get that out.
"I just feel like I betrayed you..." I told Tony.
"No, you were... Forced. I love you Yaressi. And I'm going to help you through every minute of this. I promise." He kissed my forehead.
Jaime came over to me and gave me a big hug.
"You're like my sister Yess. I'm gonna protect you and help you through this. We all are. I'm glad you got out what you needed to Oli."
I smiled at him. "Thank you Jaime."
"It'll be okay. You don't have much longer. You've made it this far, you can make 3-4 more months." Vic said and hugged me.
"I'm so proud of you for what you said. I'm glad you didn't give up. Please don't hurt yourself again. It just... Breaks me." Nicole stated and squeezed me tight.
"We're so glad to have you here Yaressi. You're a great person, and Tony's so much happier with you. And if he's happy, we're all happy." Mike smiled and hugged me also.
They all made me feel so much better and I was crying tears of joy now.
"Thank you guys. I love you all so much."
"We love you too."
I walked to the kitchen and got something quick to eat and headed off to bed.
I climbed under the covers and not too long after, so did Tony.
He wrapped his protective arms around my body and said "don't ever do what you did the other night again. I love you so much and I don't know what I'd do without you. You make me the happiest man in the world. Goodnight beautiful, sweet dreams." He kissed my cheek.
I couldn't stop smiling.
"I love you too."
I whispered before falling fast asleep.
Notes
Sorry this took so long! I'm at a friends house and it's hard to update on my iPod! xDEnjoy. ♥
title cred: Bring Me The Horizon
11/10/13