Crying was like a part-time job for me. When I opened my eyes, I could already feel my eyes stinging. I quickly noticed that I was still cuddled with Vic. It was wrong, I knew it, but it was also right. My heart felt like it was going to explode.


No, my heart had already exploded. Now, it felt like someone was sweeping away the debris and ash in my chest, leaving a vacant space. I didn’t think I even had a heart, anymore.


I slipped out of the bed carefully, blushing as I did so. I never actually realized, until now, how good-looking Vic was. His face was calm and peaceful, his skin was soft and brown, his hair was messy but cute, his muscles were strong and built, especially in his arms…


I shook my head. I couldn’t look at Vic like that. I couldn’t look at anyone like that, anymore. I could never feel love again. Maybe lust, but never love.


I made my way to the bathroom, carefully closing the door behind me. I couldn’t feel anything anymore. I craved to feel again. My happiness from last night quickly dissolved with my nightmare, leaving me with nothing.


But when I slumped against the wall, I didn’t reach for a razor. I brought my legs into my chest and buried my face into my knees. I cried softly. That was all I could do. It was less painful to rid my body of tears, rather than blood. I couldn’t do that to the other guys; they didn’t deserve to feel my pain.


There was a light knock on the door. I looked up, knowing that, despite my efforts to dry my tears, my eyes were already red and puffy, and it would be evident that I was crying.


“It’s open,” I said quietly. I could have sworn I heard a sigh of relief.


Vic slipped inside, sitting down close next to me. “I have to do this,” he started. I tilted my head to the side in confusion until he spoke again. “Can you please show my your wrists?” he asked lowly.


I nodded with a light sigh. I should have expected that they guys would be breathing down my neck about this. But I was also relieved that I had avoided the blade this morning. Facing Vic would have been embarrassing and shameful.


I held my arms out for him, feeling rather proud. Vic smiled, kissing my wrists. “Good girl,” he said. “Now, tell me,” he grew serious again. “Why are you crying?” his face looked sad.


I shook my head. “I don’t know,” I said in a whisper.


“Spencer,” he said softly. I shook my head again. “Listen, I know you think we need to talk about what happened… when… you know… but we don’t have to. What happened, happened, and we don’t have to know why, okay? We probably won’t ever know why, but it was real for both of us, so that is all that matters,” he said, referring to the way he saved me from Death twice. It was like he could read my mind. Truth was, I was just so damn confused.


I nodded. “I agree,” I said quietly. “I didn’t cut this morning, Vic,” I said.


“I know that,” he said back. His entire right side of his body was against my entire left side, and as he spoke his calm breath cooled on my face and his eyes stared at me carefully.


“I didn’t cut this morning because of you,” I added. “I don’t know why, but I feel like if I hurt myself… it would hurt you, too…” I said. I shook my head. Nothing made sense.


Somehow we were connected, and I didn’t want to bring him down with me. I think he understood what I meant.


He half-smiled at me. “I’m glad you didn’t,” he said.


I sighed, leaning my head back onto the wall. “I’m just so confused. I don’t know what to do,” I confessed sadly.


“I don’t know, either,” he said.


We sat quietly for a few minutes, both thinking the same thing. What were we going to do about Jaime?


“Should we try to talk to Jaime?” I asked.


“That’s up to you,” he said.


I closed my eyes. I didn’t want to talk about Jaime, let alone talk to him. But for the sake of their band, I needed to resolve this once and for all.


“I think I will talk to him later today,” I said lowly.


“Do what you have to do,” he said.


“You have to promise me one thing,” I said seriously. He raised an eyebrow, and I continued. “No matter what happens, you guys have to stay friends okay? I wouldn’t be able to handle it if the band broke up over all of this,” I said firmly.


“Spencer, Jaime had problems that were creating a wedge between us way before you came along,” he said, and, by his facial expression, I could tell he was speaking honestly.


“Just promise anyway,” I demanded. I couldn’t imagine Pierce the Veil not being Pierce the Veil, despite the many tragedies that surrounded them. And, even though Vic just told me otherwise, I wouldn’t be able to get it out of my mind that it was partly my fault.


“I promise,” he said, giving me a reassuring smile. "The music and playing on stage again will bring us together, I am sure of it," he added.


“Good,” I said, standing up. “I, uh, I think I’m actually going to talk to Jaime, now. I can’t go through another day with this unresolved,” I said. “Besides, I need to steal some of my clothes back, anyway,” I added with a light giggle.


He grinned slightly. “Alright,” he said, interrupting himself with a yawn. “Just, uh, be careful, okay?” I nodded, unsure as to what he meant, though. Jaime, from what I knew, wasn’t violent. But, then again, I didn’t really know Jaime, anymore, did I?


I brushed my teeth and put my hair up into a messy bun, and then I left to go to Jaime’s. “Thanks, Vic,” I said, kissing him quickly on the cheek before heading out. I wasn’t exactly sure what I was thanking him for in that moment, but I knew I had a lot to thank him for.


The walk to Jaime’s was painfully short. I was hoping it would take a longer time so I had more time to think about what exactly I was going to say.


I numbly made my way to his apartment, and, before I even knew it, I was standing before him. I tried not to look at him. It was so hard, so painful.


“Hi, Spence,” he said quietly.


“Hi,” I said. For some reason, I felt afraid. I was afraid that he really was the evil Jaime from my nightmares, no matter how sweet and bubbly he used to be in real life.


“Spencer, I’m sorry. I’m so, so sorry,” he said. I waited. “I’m so sorry about what happened. I was jealous, I think, and, for some reason, my mind made up that you had something with Vic. We were finally happy and things were going good, but then I got scared again. I didn’t want to lose you,” he said, speaking quietly. I still couldn’t look him in the eyes, because I finally knew what I was going to say.


And I didn’t like it.


“Jaime, I am afraid that you’ve already lost me,” I said quietly. “This could have been fixable if you hadn’t of run off to some other girl with no explanation whatsoever,” I said.


I finally looked at Jaime. His eyes were wide in horror. “W-what… h-how… uh…” he gulped, shaking his head. “How do you know about that?” he asked in a tiny voice. Shit. What was I supposed to say? That I was basically a ghost and decided to spy on him? I shivered at the thought. It was creepy enough to be in that kind of state, let alone admit it to other people.


I just gave him a look. A you-know-what-you-did look.


“I’m sorry,” he said. “I was just so angry! I was wasted, and I wasn’t thinking straight,” he said.


“Jaime, you can’t just drink your problems away and result to fucking another girl! That is not how you solve problems,” I said, growing angry. I contained my anger, though, knowing that it wouldn’t change anything. “And, yes. You weren’t thinking straight. Why didn’t you just talk to me about it? We could have gotten you help, Himes. You need it,” I said softly.


“I made a mistake, okay?” he frowned, sitting down on the couch. I sat down a few feet away from him. “I lost my mind over you,” he said quietly. My eyebrows knitted.


“That’s not a good thing,” I said quietly back.


“I know,” he said. He knew? “This may be awful to say, but I am going to say it anyway. Spencer, I was so lonely and depressed before you came along, and I thought that finding someone as lonely and depressed as me would help the situation. It turns out, though, that it didn’t. I loved you, but with everything that happened, I don’t think I can love you like that again. I used to think that whatever we had made everything better, and it did, temporarily, but, in the long run, we were like a ticking time bomb. We were literally going crazy together, and I just can’t handle it anymore,” he said.


Tears stung in my eyes, but I refused to let them fall. “I don’t understand why you can say that, Jaime. We went months without any problems, and then Vic sings me a song, and then you break down again! I don’t get it, Jaime,” I shook my head. I shook my head a lot, lately, because nothing makes sense anymore.


“That’s my point, Spencer. Things happen. Things happened. Things that are stuck in my head. Everything was fine for the first few months, but it builds up in my mind. I’m so fucked up, Spence, and I can’t even help it. But…” his voice trailed off at the end.


“But what?” I pressed.


“But… Spencer, whenever I see you, I am forced to see the other you in my head,” he said.


“What do you mean?” I asked, thoroughly confused.


“The you from when everyone thought you were crazy and a murderer…” he said carefully. “I know that’s not who you really are, but my God damned brain created a terrible image of you in my nightmares, and I can’t seem to get that image out,” he added.


I couldn’t help but let a few tears escape. He didn’t see me as the girl he loved, anymore. He saw me as the girl he hated. Venom filled my mouth, but then I accidentally let out a slight laugh.


“What’s so funny?” he furrowed his eyebrows.


“Nothing’s funny,” I said. “But, ironic, maybe. Jaime, when I first came here I was afraid because I couldn’t get the evil version of you out of my head. I’ve been having these terrible nightmares the past few days, ever since you flipped out on me… and you were so… so…” I didn’t finish speaking. I knew that he knew what I was going to say.


“I’d like to say that Drew Sanders ruined us,” he mumbled. “But I think I ruined us, too. Because you were healthy. You are healthy. Like genuinely. But I am just as fucked up as I was before I met you, and I’m sorry for causing you pain,” he said.


I reached over and put my hand on his arm. “I hate how this happened, Jaime, but I guess it was inevitable,” I said. I still couldn’t fathom how everything was so perfect, and then in a blink of the eye everything was shit. It hurt so much. I couldn’t help but wonder what I did wrong.


“You did nothing wrong, Spence,” he said softly. “It is all me,” he added. “I don’t know if this is too much to ask… but I still think I need you in my life. Just, maybe, not…”


“Not romantically,” I helped him finish. I swallowed the lump in my throat. This was it. We were officially broken up. “I agree,” I found myself saying. “I can’t imagine life without you, but I don’t think I can imagine being as close to you, anymore,” I said. For some reason, Vic popped up in my head. Ashamed, I pushed the thought aside. I had neither the time nor the emotional strength to think about him right now. “Please, make up with Vic and the guys. Promise me that,” I said firmly.


“I promise. The band means almost everything to me. I don’t want to lose them, either,” he promised.


“Good,” I said, standing up.


“Spencer, I always believed that we were brought together for a reason,” he started. “But, I’m afraid that I don’t know that reason, anymore,” he finished. I gave him a half-smile. I think I knew the reason, but I was afraid to admit it. It would complicate things even more than they already were. “Being with you was amazing, while it lasted. I just can’t last, anymore. I need to move on. And if I mean anything to you, I’m sorry, but I’ve made up my mind,” he said sadly.


“Thank you for fixing me, Jaime Preciado,” I said as I turned towards the door. I could feel the tears begin to build up. “And I’m so sorry I couldn’t fix you.”


With that, I darted out of the apartment complex. I completely forgot to grab some of my clothes, but I didn’t really care. I needed to get away. I needed fresh air, away from all of this madness.


I wasn’t really sure where I was going, but I just walked aimlessly. I ended up on a beach. It was relaxing and peaceful. I sighed, sitting down in the sand a few feet away from the water. I let the salt water run down my face, meeting with the salt water of the sea.

It was getting dark quickly, but I didn’t mind it. I needed to let this out. It was nice. I felt like I was becoming one with the sea. I just want to fade away into the sky under the sea…


I sighed, laying down into the sand. Maybe I would stay here for the night. I didn’t know how to get back to the Fuentes’ house, anyway.


I just felt so helpless. And worthless. And confused. I just couldn’t grasp how Jaime and I were over. We were two completely different people, now, and that realization was horrible.

Everything used to be okay. I thought about the first time Jaime brought me back to his house after my apartment burned. I was confused, but I was also on my way to two weeks of pure happiness. I never thought that I would sit here and crave the times when my feelings were conflicted because of Drew Sanders…


We drove mostly in silence to his house. He was respectful like that, knowing that I was thinking and letting me do it in peace. My mind was clouded with many different emotions. Yes, emotions—It’s been years, but I was finally feeling something. Regret, mostly. What was I getting myself into? What was I getting Jaime into? And then I felt selfish, which was best friends with my regret. Yes, I wanted to be happy. But at the possibility of a new friend’s expense? No, that wasn’t right. But then the happiness contrasted with my rational feelings, and I just couldn’t escape it. Jaime looked happy, too. I didn’t want to hurt his feelings, I didn’t want to hurt my own feelings, but I also didn’t want Drew Sanders to target him. It was a constant battle, and I didn’t know what to do.


We arrived at his house; it was small, but right off of a lovely San Diego beach.


“You must be excited, Preciado, you taking me back to your place,” I joked.


“Hehe, my master plan has followed through,” he winked.


“Under interesting circumstances, indeed,” I commented.


“As much as you tried to avoid me in the beginning, I call this a win,” he said. He winked. “I guess you could call it fate.”


Fate was such an interesting thing. It brought people together, only to eventually tear them apart. But there was a reason, right? I guess only time could tell…


I breathed in, bitterness filling my lungs. I couldn’t help but wonder how different things would be if I led a normal life. If my parents never died. If Drew Sanders never forced himself into my life.


A vague memory suddenly pushed its way into my head. A memory that I hazily remembered, but, for some reason, I was remembering now.


“Spence, baby… if someone knocks on the door, don’t answer it,” my mother said.


“Why, mommy?”


“Stranger danger, sweetheart,” she said. I was only four, but I saw something in my mother’s eyes. Worry. Fear.


“What about brother?” I asked. I never called my brother by his first name, which was James. I always called him “brother”, because he was my brother, and I treasured that.


“I told him the same thing, baby,” she said sweetly. Another emotion of fear struck her face, and then she grabbed my hand tightly.


“Let’s go upstairs, kiddo,” she said lightheartedly. But I could tell that she was worried about something. I was such a good, little girl, that I knew when my mommy was upset.


“What’s wrong, mommy?”


“Nothing, sweetheart. Go play with your brother,” she said.


I wish I listened to her, but my curiosity got the best of me. I followed my mother secretly and saw that she was on the phone.


“Yes, Alan, I saw him,” she said frantically. I wondered who she saw.


“It’s getting bad, Alan,” she said. I walked closer to the door that my mom was talking next to in order to try and hear what my dad was saying on the other end.


“Monica, I’m so sorry, it’s all my fault,” I heard him say. What was all of his fault? Suddenly my mom turned, and I froze. She saw me. I was caught snooping again.


“Spencer Martin, go play with James,” she said seriously. I nodded, feeling sad. I followed her directions, now, and the rest of the night I played trains with James until it was bedtime.


I shook my head, shocked. That conversation between my parents most definitely was about Drew Sanders, but, until now, I didn’t remember that. I slammed my fists into the sand in anger. If I had just remembered that conversation between my parents, I would have connected the dots sooner. I would have realized that Drew Sanders was definitely real sooner. I would have never questioned my own sanity. God Damned brain! I cursed at my selective memory.


I used to only remember when I went to bed that night… when I met him for the first time…


Bedtime was scary for me. I thought that monsters were in my closet. I imagined scary creatures sneaking into my room at night.


What I didn’t know was that scary creatures actually were sneaking into my room at night.


“Hi, Spencer,” a soft but frightening voice cooed at me. I shot up in my new “big-girl” bed in terror.


“Mommy? Daddy?” I asked carefully.


“No, Spencer. I am your… your Mom and Dad’s friend,” he said. He showed his face, and I immediately started to cry. I didn’t like his eyes, or his tattoo neck, or his sharp teeth.


“Don’t cry, child,” he said. I noticed a certain hardness to his voice, and it scared me, so I shut my mouth and dried my tears.


“You are a very well behaved child, aren’t you?”


I nodded nervously. “Good,” he said. “So you won’t tell them that I was here, tonight, if I told you not to, right?” he asked, his eyes threatening.


“Stranger danger,” I said quietly.


“There is no danger, here, Spencer,” he said, a new emotion plastered on his face: warmth.


“We are going to become good friends, little one,” he said with false-kindness displayed on his ugly face. “We will be best friends, forever.”



I gripped my hair with my hands. I didn’t want to remember this.


I wished that I knew more about why my dad felt like it was his fault. I wished that I knew more about why Drew Sanders held such a massive grudge against my family. Maybe one day I would figure it out…


Oh, wait. I couldn’t. He was dead. Everyone from that phase of my life was dead.


Part of me wished that he were still alive so I could question the shit out of him. I still felt unresolved with him. I felt like I wouldn’t be able to rest until I figured out what was going through that terrible head of his. But I couldn’t, and I guess it was time for me to forget about him. What was done was done. Besides, I would rather him be dead and out of my life.


It doesn’t matter anymore. Let it go, I told myself.


I realized I was being stupid. This wasn’t about Drew Sanders anymore. He was history. I had friends now. I was safe. We were safe. Now, this was about Jaime. This was about us, and we had to take some of the blame for our ending.


Tears slipped down my face. Why were we ending? The memories were swarming in my head. The good and the bad.


The warm smell of pancakes, chocolate, and happiness filled the air.


“Hey, there,” he smiled from behind a small stack of pancakes. I smiled back, sitting down across from him, welcomed by my own pancakes.


“Looks good,” I grinned.


“Do you still want to know what I think I have learned about you?” Jaime spoke up after a few minutes of peaceful silence.


“Give it a shot,” I smirked.


“Sometimes when you smile, your tongue shows through a little, and you scrunch your nose. That’s when I know you are really happy, like not fake happy,” he said quietly. I was surprised that he managed to pick up on that. He was always picking up on the small, cute details.


“Do I really?” I smiled, unintentionally scrunching my nose and feeling my tongue press up against my teeth. “Oh, I guess I do,” I giggled.


“You’re very observant, Preciado, I’ll give you that,” I grinned, pointing at him with my fork that had a piece of pancake on it.


Every cute little moment Jaime and I had filled the cavities of my brain. I couldn’t forget them. I couldn’t move on from the fact that they were the past, and that we had absolutely no future. How did this happen? Why did this happen?


Why, why, why?


I couldn’t get past this terrible truth. The terrible truth that Drew Sanders selfishly drove me crazy… and this craziness transferred to Jaime’s already damaged head…


Everything was so fucked up. I didn’t think I could ever fall in love again. I couldn’t. I would be afraid of this happening again.


I sighed again, tears still flowing at a constant rate down my face. I started to sing to myself in a poor attempt to comfort myself. I recognized it as an older Pierce the Veil song… it used to be my favorite…


“Don’t react when I tell you
And don’t react when I tell you
That bright lights mean nothing to you
‘Cause no one would know the sound of a ghost
And I might be something to you
Beyond beautiful is the sound of a ghost.

Can we lose our minds, and call it love for the last time?”


I closed my eyes and stopped singing, my breath catching.


Well, we definitely lost our minds.


But where did the love go?

Notes

Welp, here ya go! More insight on her past and such.

Idk why, but I had difficulties writing this for some reason idk.

I think i just got really sad writing this, because i know how it feels for something realllyyy good to just end like BAM without warning. and it's all just so bittersweet i can't take it. and you just feel so lost and confused and helpless like what did you do wrong?! it's a terrible feeling

i don't think it helped listening to "falling asleep on a stranger" (chapter title cred btw) whilst writing this (that song gets me idk, vic's voice is so just UGH)

i put a lot of memories into this for some reason, i hope it wasn't too overwhelming/too much

k im done now sry