Running

I slept for maybe four hours throughout the whole night. My phone rang the entire time, probably Mike trying to get a hold of me to finish our fight. I literally felt empty and the last thing I wanted to do was keep going at it, because I knew that was exactly what would happen. I peeled myself from my bed and looked at myself in my bedroom mirror. My eyes were red from crying earlier, my hair was disheveled, my mascara was smeared all down my face. I sighed and ran my hands over my face. I needed to shower and then call Mike and let him know I’d be coming over. We needed to speak in person about this, not screaming at each other on the phone.

I tore my clothes off of my body and wrapped my towel around myself. I passed my mom in the hallway and she gave me a sympathetic smile and a pat on the shoulder. She had came into my room last night around three when I had woken up crying. I had told her what happened and she told me not to fret, that things would piece themselves back together because Mike and I are perfect for each other. She also said it was about time we had a real fight, because three years with a nearly perfect relationship was way too non-human to her.

I took a nice long shower and it honestly helped lift my spirits a little bit. I rehearsed everything I was going to say to Mike while I was in there. I was going to apologize, but I also wanted an apology from him. I knew no matter what we were going to end up back together at the end of the day and there was no point in crying over it. I walked in my room and pulled on a pair of undies and a bra, then threw my hair up in my towel.

I grabbed my phone and saw that I had fifteen missed calls and four voicemails, but none of them were from Mike. They were all from Vic. I shrugged, thinking that Mike would have been calling me off Vic’s phone because I told him to not bother talking to me.

I clicked onto the first voicemail and held the phone up to my ear. Vic’s voice flew through the line frantically, “Cassie, please answer the phone… Mike locked himself in his room and won’t answer me or open the door… I want you to come back here…”

Voicemail number two, “Cass… I need you here. I don’t know what to do.”

Voicemail number three, Vic’s voice was now all choked up, “He… he did it… Cass please answer the phone… We’re… I called an ambulance… Please wake up… Please answer… I don’t want to lose him… There’s blood everywhere… He barely has a pulse…”

My heart dropped into my stomach after hearing Vic’s voicemail. I collapsed on the floor, my phone clutched to my chest as I let out a scream, tears automatically falling from my eyes. My body laid on the warm carpet, but my skin felt like ice. I didn’t know how to react. My mom ran into the room, grabbing me, screaming my name and shaking me. I couldn’t respond. I couldn’t open my eyes. I continued to scream and cry as I held my phone up to my ear for the final voicemail.

This time I put it on speaker. Vic’s voice came through the line, crying, once again, “Please wake up, Cassie. I need you here. He needs you here. They won’t let me see him. We’re in the hospital. They said he’s going to be in here for days if he makes it. I need you, Cassie. Please.”

My mom took my phone from my hands and held me close to her, “Baby, shhh… Breathe… He’s going to be okay…” It got to the point that I could barely even breathe through the screams and cries coming from my throat. My mom squeezed me tight, “Get dressed and get your shoes on. I’ll take you to him, Cass… Just please breathe and try to calm down, okay?” She held me out and looked at me. I opened my eyes and nodded, looking at her through tears. She looked as if she was tearing up as well. She kissed my forehead, “He’s going to be okay, sweetie. I promise. You need to hold it in and be strong. He needs you there.”

I nodded and removed myself from her arms, still crying but trying to breathe. I didn’t know how I was supposed to react to something like this. I never imagined this happening in a million years. I never thought he would go to this extreme. I was scared. I was scared for him. I was scared for Vic. I was scared for their parents… but most of all… I was scared for me. I would never be able to live with the guilt of knowing I drove him to this. I pulled on a pair of sweatpants and one of Mike’s t-shirts. I put my hair into a messy bun and slipped on flip flops then ran down the stairs, meeting my mom and hopping into the car at the speed of lightening.



I walked into the grey and gloomy hospital towards the front desk, my mom behind me. The receptionist was a young blonde girl with a head full of curls, a lot of yellow flowers cluttering the front desk. She greeted my mom and I with that fake smile all receptionists that hate their jobs give you.

“How can I help you?” Her cheeks rosy.

“Michael Fuentes,” I said with a straight face.

She looked down at a paper and cringed, then looked back up at me with that smile, “I’m sorry, but since he is in the ICU right now he is only seeing family. Friends should be able to visit tomorrow.”

“Look bitch,” I growled, “He’s my boyfriend and you’re going to let me see him, I don’t give a fuck what your rules are.”

I felt my mom’s hand on my shoulder as she spoke to the receptionist, “I second that. I don’t have to go up there, but you are going to let Cassie go up there or you’re going to have my foot up your pretty, little, blonde ass. Got it?”

Times like this were when I loved my mom. The receptionist’s eyes widened and she nodded, “Intensive Care… Room 332…”

“Thanks,” I snarled and turned to my mom. Giving her a hug, “I’ll give you a call later on… I love you.”

“I love you too, Cass,” my mom kissed my head. “Hang in there. Tell Vic I love him, and if Mike’s up tell him as well.”

I nodded and walked off towards the elevator, getting in with about five other people. I hated elevators. I hated elevator music. I hated hospitals. I hated hospital smell. I hated everything about this place, and I hated that Mike was here. Most of all I hated that he was here because of me. This whole situation is hated.

Exiting the elevator, I nearly ran down the hallway towards room 332. I rushed through the people on those scary rolley beds, I rushed through doctors, nurses and visitors. I had a one track mind. I saw the numbers.. 332… It literally felt like a movie scene as I ran there. My heart was beating through my chest. Tears were filling in my eyes. Just a few more steps.

I ran into the doorway, screaming out of breath, “Mike!”

He laid on the bed with his eyes closed, motionless. The heart monitor beeping every so often along with his heartbeat. He was alive. Oh thank fucking god he was alive.

“He’s going to be okay, Cass,” Vic said softly while wrapping his arms around me in a tight hug. “I got to him just in time, they said. He is going to be okay.”

I buried my head into Vic’s chest as I cried, “I’m so sorry, Vic… I’m so… so… sorry… I never meant for this to happen… I…”

“It’s not your fault. Please don’t blame yourself,” he squeezed me then pulled away. He tilted my chin up to look into his eyes, “Listen to me, Cass. Do not blame yourself. If it wasn’t for you he would have ended his life a long time ago. This is not your fault, okay? Please understand that.”

“I… I didn’t even mean it when I broke up with him… I figured we would just get back together today…” I rambled on, wiping my eyes.

Vic brushed a tear off my cheek, “I know, Cassie… I know…” He sighed, “There is something I want you to read…” He handed me two envelopes, “One was addressed to me, another addressed to you. I’m going to let you read these and I’m going to head home and get a shower and get some necessities. Will you be okay here?”

I didn’t take my eyes off the envelopes as I nodded.

Vic hugged me one last time, “Read the one addressed to me first. I’ll be back in an hour or so.”



I took a seat at one of the chairs next to Mike’s bedside. Vic exited the room and I opened up the envelope with his name on the front, pulling out a handwritten letter from Mike.

Vic, I know you’ll be the one to find me, and when you do please don’t try to save me. I need to do this as selfish as that may seem. I don’t need to do this for myself, but for Cassie. She has done nothing but try to help me and make me better, and I overreacted and pushed her to her edge. I sucked everything she had to offer out of her and left her with nothing in return. The things I said to her tonight were things I never thought would come out of my mouth. I can’t live with myself knowing what I said to her, and she shouldn’t have to worry about the burden of helping someone who is so cruel to her. Please take good care of her, Vic. Don’t let her tare herself up over me. I am not worth it and I never was. Let her know that I love her with my whole heart, but that I know there is someone out there who will give her everything that I couldn’t provide for her. I love you, bro. I don’t want you to mourn over me either. I’ll always be with you in spirit, drumming along to whatever you come up with, and stealing your food from your dinner plate. I couldn’t ask for a better guy to call my big bro. Thank you for everything you have done for me throughout my life. You were always there when I was in trouble or when I needed someone to talk to. I love you, man. Tell Ma and Pop I love them too, and tell them I am in a better place. And please take care of Cass. I’ll be around. - Mike

If I wasn’t crying hard when I had opened that letter, I was after reading it. My whole body was shaking with sobs as I put it back into its envelope and then pulled out the one with my name written on it. It was still sealed. Vic must’ve respected it enough to not read it. I didn’t even want to read it. I didn’t want to know what Mike’s suicide note to me would say. I wasn’t even slightly curious about it. I never wanted to think about a note. Ever.

I swallowed the lump in my throat and wiped my eyes…

Kitten, I love you with every inch of me and please don’t ever forget that. You are my world and I never want you to doubt that. Without you there would have never been me. There would have never been us. I know you don’t want me to leave. I know you want to be together forever. I know you would be expecting us to get back together and be happy again. I love you, Cassandra and I know you love me too. You love me way too much than you ever should have to. I could never make up for what I said to you. I never meant it. I was just so frustrated. Please don’t think I meant it. Nothing I could ever do for you would ever compare to everything that you have done for me. You gave me your body, your mind, your heart and your soul, and all I did in return was suck everything from you. You are the most generous, loving, beautiful creature that could ever exist. You are my angel and I feel blessed to have shared three years with you, but I have to go. You need to live your life without worry. You need to fulfill your dreams without being held back. You need to find someone that can reciprocate all that you have to offer. You are going to be so successful, Cass. You’re going to grow up beautiful, and you’re going to find someone who is going to give you everything you deserve. Please do not stress yourself over me. Please do not blame yourself for this. You were perfect, baby, nothing but perfect. But we all have our time, and this is mine. I will always be there for you. I’ll be there when you graduate. I’ll be there on your wedding day. I’ll be there the day you have all your children. I’ll be there the day that you die. I love you, Cassandra, and I am so sorry that I was nothing but toxic for you. Thank you for giving me the best three years of my life. You have a heart of gold. Stay strong, Kitten. We’ll meet again one day. I love you, Mikey

I threw the letter down onto my lap and put my head in my hands, trying my hardest not to scream out as I cried into my hands. Everything he wrote was running through my mind. Every stroke of that pen, every dot on that page. I couldn’t fathom the idea of him feeling as if he owed me anything. He had given me everything I gave him. He gave me security. He gave me happiness. He gave me a reason to keep pushing on every day. And he gave me love. He acted as if I was so genuine for what I did for him, but he did the same for me… I was so lucky to have him, he just didn’t see it.

I picked my head up and looked at his peacefully sleeping body, taking in everything. His naturally tattooed and tan skin was pale. His hair was looking shaggier and messier than ever. His head was slightly tilted to the right, his eyes closed loosely, his mouth in a straight line, that shiny lip ring in the middle of his plump bottom lip. His left forearm was wrapped up in thick bandages, his right with an IV in it.

I stood up and walked to his left side, lightly running my fingertips down his arm, ghosting them over the bandages that hid his self infliction. “I love you, Mikey,” I said softly and ran my fingers over the inside of his palm. “It wasn’t your time… there’s a reason you’re still here with me.”

Notes