Don't Make This Easy

I stared blankly up at the ceiling, avoiding getting out of bed. It was almost two in the afternoon and I hadn't gotten up at all yet. Tony had left a couple hours ago, probably to go talk to the guys and bring them back here so they could all bitch me out for last night and have an ‘intervention’ that I didn't need. Interventions were for people who actual problems. Not me. I had a one night relapse. One night. That's all. They were overreacting. Or maybe it was me that had overreacted to everything last night. I just needed to feel something, anything, and I couldn't resist what that girl was offering. It was a moment of weakness. God what was her name? I really wasn't the type of person to have a one night stand, especially when I can't even remember their name.

“So you're still swinging for the other team huh?” Mike’s voice rang through my ears. I didn't move or saying anything. I just stayed how I was, staring the the ceiling. The bed shifted as he sat on the edge of my bed.

“Jacie, we really need to talk about last night.” He said softly.

I sighed and sat up. I waited a second, steadying myself, before I stood up. My head was still a mess from last night. I walked out of my room and to the kitchen without a word to Mike, or any of the guys, who were all sitting in the living room. I made myself a cup of coffee and sat down at the kitchen table. No one said anything for a minute. We just sat in silence. Then Vic walked over to the table and stood across from me.

“Jacie, you're gonna have to talk to us about last night eventually.” He said. I sighed and looked down at my hands as I picked at my nail polish.

“Vic, I really don't want to talk about it.” I said quietly. “It was a moment of weakness. It was stupid. I wasn't thinking. It's not happening again.” He sighed and sat down.

“Jace, that's what you said last time.” He said. “You can't just say it's not going to happen again, and then do it the second things get a little rough for you.”

“A little rough.” I repeated, suddenly filled with rage. “You think this is a little rough?” I was practically yelling now. “My father died, Vic. I watched him die! That's more than ‘a little rough!’”

“You know I didn't mean it like that.” He said calmly.

“Then what did you mean?” I snapped. “Please, enlighten me as to what the fuck it is exactly that you're trying to say!”

“I just meant, that whenever something bad happens to you, you relapse. Every time. You did it after Alex. After Blake. After Lindsay. After Rachel. After your grandfather died.” He said. “And then we spend weeks trying to get you sober. And when we finally do then we have to deal with you while you're in withdrawal, being a raging bitch, crying, throwing up, wishing that you were dead. And that all happens after you say that it's not going to happen again.”

“Well that's not happening this time.” I said.

“No, it's not.” He told me. “Cam is staying at my place for a little while. She's having trouble with this whole thing. So one of us is staying with you at all times. And if we have anything band related you're coming with us.” I sighed and rested my head on the table.

“I don't need a babysitter.” I muttered.

“Yeah, you do. Because we don't need you destroying yourself or ending up dead.” Mike said bluntly. I sat up and glared at him

“I'm not gonna end up dead.” I spat.

“You say that until you overdose again.” Vic snapped. “So, what's it gonna be Jace?”

“What?” I asked.

“Are you gonna let us help you?” Jaime asked.

“Or are you going to keep destroying yourself.” Mike said. I sighed and looked at them all.

How could I do this to them again. They're my family. They love me. And I just keep hurting them over and over again.

“Fine.” I sighed. “I'll let you guys help. But the second any of you look at me all sad and disappointed, I will slap you.” Vic got up and hugged me tightly, and then the rest of them came over and joined, squishing me in the middle of them all.

“Guys. I can't breathe.” I said as I tried pushing them off. They let go and went over to sit on the couch. Can one of you call Cammy and have her come back so she can help me get ready?” I asked, suddenly remembering that my dad's service was at five. Vic pulled out his phone and called Cammy and I headed to the bathroom to shower.

When I got out, Cammy was standing in front of my vanity going through my makeup, while the boys were going through my closet trying to help her pick out my clothes and getting shot down at every pick they made.

“Alright miss fashion diva, you pick out her clothes, we’re gonna go get ready.” Mike said, giving up.

She gave him a thumbs up they left. I went over to my dresser and grabbed a bra and some underwear and put them on. Cammy went over to my closet and looked through it while I dried my hair. When I finished she handed me a black skater dress with cap sleeves and my favorite black heeled boots. I put them on and then sat down in front of my vanity. She brushed my hair out then curled it, and pulled it into a half pony tail. Next she did my makeup. She kept it simple, onto using a tinted moisturizer to even out my skin, and some waterproof mascara.

By the time she was done it was four o'clock, the boys were back, and it was time to head to the funeral home. Cammy was staying behind, as much as she wanted to go, out of respect for my mother who she didn't get along with very well. I grabbed my phone and wallet and we headed out.

When we got to the funeral home, I got out of the car and froze. I stared at the building, watching as people went inside. God there were so many people. All of them here for my father. I took a deep breath and Vic took my hand. I squeezed it tightly and gave him a weak smile, then we headed inside.

I looked around the room, it was packed, there was barely any room to walke. I scanned the crowd for my family. Kate. Zack. My mom. Anyone that I knew. I couldn't see them anywhere.

“I'll see if I can find them.” Vic said, squeezing my hand one last time and then disappearing into the crowd.

As soon as he let go I grabbed Tony's hand. I needed him and I needed the physical contact. I needed to know that I wasn't alone right now. Mike and Jaime went to go help Vic find my family, and Tony and I made our way through the crowd too.

We walked into the room where most of the people were heading and saw my mom's head poking out of the crowd. I let out a sigh of relief and walked over to her. I let go of Tony's hand and hugged her tightly.

“I'm so glad you actually made it.” She said as she kissed the top of my head.

“Where's Kate?” I asked. My mom sniffled a little. I knew she had been crying despite the tough front she was putting on.

“She in the other room with Matt trying to calm down.” She said.

We stood there in silence for a while. People kept coming up to us, telling us how sorry they were for our loss. Every time it hit me harder and harder. My dad was gone. He had died. He was in the room with us, but he wasn't here. He wasn't breathing.

Tears fell down my face and I bit my lip. Tony noticed and grabbed my hand, which I squeezed tightly, trying to find some strength to keep myself from falling apart. Kate and Matt emerged from the other room with Vic, Mike, and Jaime. They all joined us, standing next to Uncle Mark and our other grandmother. After an hot or so, the funeral director announced that we would be heading to the cemetery and everyone headed out to the car. Mom, Kate, Uncle Mark, the rest of the family, and the boys started to leave, but I stayed behind. I hadn't seen him yet. I had been avoiding it this whole time but I couldn't avoid it any longer. It was just me and him.

I stared at the casket from across the room, my father lying peacefully inside. If I ignored the casket, it was like he was sleeping. I guess that was the comforting thing about my father always sleeping like a corpse. It made this a bit easier.

I took a shaky breath and slowly walked over. I looked at his face, studying it carefully. He still looked like my dad. I remember seeing my grandfather at his funeral when I was a kid and I hardly recognized him they had put so much makeup on him. They didn't do that to my dad. I could see there was a bit of makeup on him, just to give him some color, but not so much that he didn't look like himself. He looked like my dad. My goofy, wonderful dad. Except he wasn't. He was just an empty shell. A cancer ridden shell. Part of me was glad that he didn't do any treatment. He didn't want to lose his hair or look like a skeleton. He wanted to be himself at the end. It made things easier on us to an extent.

I reached out and touched his hand. It was ice cold, and he didn't react. I immediately pulled my hand away and held it to my chest. I don't know why I was expecting and reaction from him. He was gone. This was just a shell. The tears started falling again and I choked back a sob as I sat on the ground. I pulled my knees up to my chest and rested my forehead on them. A couple minutes passed and I felt a gentle hand on my shoulder. I looked up and saw Jaime's bright smile, and the rest of my boys standing around me.

“They're looking for you so they can head over to the cemetery.” Jaime told me.

He helped me up and they all escorted me to the limousine that I was supposed to be in with my family. I hesitated getting in, but the boys all gave me one last hug each and told me they would meet me there. I got in and sat next to Kate, who gripped my hand tightly.

When we got to the cemetery, the sun starting to go down and the sky was turning light shades of purple orange and pink. By the time the service was over the sky would be filled with beautiful vibrant colors. Kate and I stood outside to limo, hand in hand, staring at the sky.

“This is exactly what he wanted.” Kate said, her voice cracking slightly. I nodded and smiled weakly.

The boys kept their promise and found us. Vic and Mike both hugged Kate. She hugged them back tightly, like her life depended on it. Vic linked his arm with hers and Mike did the same on the other side. I smiled, glad that their friendship was still strong as ever after all these years. Tony took my hand again and Jaime linked his arm with mine and we all headed over to the plot.

When we got there, Jaime let go despite my protests and stood behind me his hand on my shoulder momentarily to let me know that he was still there. Tony tried to do the same, but I gripped his hand tighter. Vic stood next to me, still holding Kate's hand, he held mine too. Matt made his way over and stood on the other side of Kate, holding her free hand. I felt a tap on my shoulder and I looked over it. Zack was standing next to Jaime and gave me a small smile. I smiled back at him and then looked forward as the pastor started to speak.

The pastor said what he had to say, then the family took turns saying a few words. My mom went up and spoke, and when she was finished I knew it was my turn. Vic squeezed my hand, telling me to go, and Tony put his hand on my back, encouraging me to get up there. I took a deep breath and went up in front of the crowd. I cleared my throat and started picking at my nail polish nervously.

“My dad was, without a doubt, the greatest man I knew.” I said, my voice shaking. “He was funny, smart, talented, caring and compassionate, but most of all, he was the best father I could have asked for.” I took a deep breath and shifted my weight from one leg to the other.

“When I was younger, he used to always tell me that I wasn't aloud to grow up. That Katie was growing up too fast and I needed to stay little forever because I was his baby. But as I grew up, he stopped telling me that. Instead, he got excited. Excited to watch me grow. Excited about every little thing that was going on in my life. When I told him I was going to prom my senior year, despite not having any friends in school besides Cammy, he grabbed his car keys and his wallet, and dragged me to a dress shop. When I graduated, he was there, in the front row, screaming and cheering, making a fool out of himself while I walked to get my diploma. He made small things into huge events. He lived for being the best dad in the entire world, and I think he definitely succeeded in that.” Kate smiled with tears in her eyes and nodded.

“He loved us more than anything on this earth. And he made sure we knew that. From cheering us on at every sporting event we had as kids, to planning Kate's engagement to make sure she would remember it forever, to making sure that I always have one last healthy meal before I went on the road and started eating garbage. He made sure that we knew how much he loved us, no matter what. He made sure that we always left his house with a smile on our faces, and a reminder that we are his entire world. And I will absolutely never forget that, because he was my world. He is the reason I'm who I am today. He's the reason I've pushed myself to achieve my dreams, and the reason I will continue to push myself to make him proud.” I picked up one of the white roses that was near casket and placed it on top.

“I love you daddy.” I said quietly.

People in the crowd started coming up and placing red roses on the casket around the white ones that my family and I had placed. As they placed their flowers, they started to leave too. I stayed next to the casket the entire time. People hugged me, and kept telling me they were sorry for my loss, just like they had at the funeral home. I didn't cry this time though. I stood there staring blankly at the flowers on the casket until it was just my immediate family and the boys there.

“Hun, it's time to leave.” My mom said placing her hand on my shoulder causing me to jump a bit.

“I'm gonna stay here a while.” I said quietly.

She nodded and then left. I heard Kate, Zack and Vic talking quietly, and saw Vic and the guys leave it if the corner of my eye. Kate and and Zack walked over and stood next to me, staring at the flowers as I was.

“I brought something for you.” Kate said.

I looked at her and watched as she reached into her bag and pulled out a bottle. I took it from her and looked at it. The Macallan Fine Oak scotch. Dad's favorite.

We all sat down at the base of a tree that was close to the casket. I cracked open the bottle and took a sip, then passed it to Kate, who took a sip and passed it to Zack. We sat in silence for about an hour, passing the bottle between ourselves. Eventually Matt came back to pick up Kate and Zack. I had originally planned to get a ride back to my apartment with them but instead I stayed behind.

I stared at the bottle in my hand as I swirled the contents of it around. I don't know why I had stayed. I think part of me just didn't want to go back to my apartment yet. If I went back there I couldn't be alone, and that's what I needed right now.

A few minutes passed and I leaned my head back against the tree and closed my eyes. I heard the grass move as someone walked over. I ignored it and kept my eyes closed, it was probably just someone who maintained the cemetery. Whoever it was walked past me and stopped near my dad's casket. They stayed there for a minute and then started walking again, only to stop almost immediately.

“Jacie?” I opened my eyes and to my surprise saw Alex standing in front of me. He was wearing black jeans with a dress shirt, tie, and jacket, making his look a bit more formal. His eyes were bloodshot like he'd been crying and his hair a mess as though he'd been running his hands through it.

“Want some?” I asked, holding the bottle of scotch out to him. He looked shocked by my gesture.

“I didn't think you'd still be here. If I had known I wouldn't have-”

“You're paying your respects, it's not a crime.” I said, my voice raw and empty.

“Okay. Well I should get going, you probably don't want to see me.” He said as he shoved his hands in his pockets and started walking away. I grabbed his wrist as he walked by me, stopping him.

“Stay.” I said softly. “Please, I thought I wanted to be alone, but I don't.” He hesitated but sat down next to me. I took a sip of the scotch and leaned my head against the tree again.

“How are you doing?” Alex asked. I could tell from his tone that he really didn't know what to say. It had been six years since we had talked. I just laughed and shook my head.

“I'm a hot mess.” I said and took another sip of scotch. Alex just nodded slowly and stayed silent.

“You don't look too bad.” He said after a minute. I laughed loudly.

“You should have seen me last night.” I told him. If he had seen me last night, and we were still as close as we used to be, he would have killed me. He would have hated me. I'm surprised the boys don't hate me. Hell, I hate me.

“What happened last night?” He asked. I sighed and swirled the scotch around in its bottle again as I stared at it blankly.

“I relapsed.” I told him. I didn't know why I was telling him. I doubt he even cared anyways.

“Jacie…” he sighed. I just shook my head and drank more of the scotch.

“I know. I know.” I said. “I'm stupid. I'm an idiot. How can I still do the thing that killed my brother. Blah, blah, blah. Believe mel I already got the speech from Vic.”

“You can't keep doing this to yourself Jacie.” He said softly.

“I know.” I sighed. “I wasn't planning on it. I hadn't even thought about it honestly. Then Cammy and the guys brought me to a club to try to cheer me up, and I met this girl and she started doing it and I couldn't stop myself.”

“Jace, you could have. You’ve been clean for almost eight years.” He said. I laughed quietly to myself and shook my head. If only he knew. “What?” He asked.

“Nothing.” I said, looking down at my feet. How was I supposed to tell him that all these here's he thought I was clean, I had actually relapsed five times and overdosed one of those times.

“Jacie, what aren't you telling me?” He asked, grabbing my chin gently, forcing me to look at him.

I averted my eyes from his, I knew he was searching for answers and if I looked at him too long, he would find them. I grabbed his hand gently and moved it away from my face as I looked down at my lap.

“This isn't the first time, is it?” He asked. I shook my head.

“Far from it.” I sighed.

Despite everything that went down between us, I still felt bad telling him that all the work he put into helping me get sober, and helping me stay away from the wrong crowd, was basically for nothing. All the work his family had put into helping me get sober. There were so many times they had let me stay at their house in the first two years of our relationship because I was too strung out on not only cocaine, but any other drug I had been able to get my hands on, to go home without my mom noticing. They had even paid for my medical bills out of pocket the first time I overdosed, just so that the hospital wouldn't bill the insurance and my mom wouldn't find out, because I was more scared of her finding out than I was of dying or getting my stomach pumped.

We sat there and talked for a while. About my dad, and all the fun stuff he used to bring us to do back when we all lived in Baltimore and he loved Alex. About the time we went to one of Alex's little league games, his last year playing for the city before he went to middle school, and my dad was cheering him on whenever he got up to bat, louder than he even cheered for me when I was playing, because he knew Alex got nervous and needed the encouragement.

Eventually we got back to the topic of my drug use and I explained everything to him. How I relapsed after we broke up. And after my next four breakups. How I overdosed after my grandfather died. How Tony helped me through my withdrawals. How pissed Vic was and how I thought he was never going to speak to me again. And then I explained what happened last night. From Cammy slapping me, to me hooking up with that girl, to Tony taking care of me last night, all the way up to the intervention this morning.

“Jacie, I had no idea…” he said, running his hand through his hair. I just shrugged and stood up, using the tree to steady myself as the effects of the alcohol rushed to my head.

“How could you have known.” I said simply. “I haven't talked to you in six years other than at warped tour last year.”

“Yeah but I know how you get.” He said as he stood up and we started walking. “I shouldn't have let you run off like that. I should have asked Zack how you were more often. I should have called when your grandfather died.”

“It wouldn't have done any good.” I told him. “Zack doesn't know about my problems. None of my family does. Not even Kate. And if you had called I wouldn't have answered anyways. I hate you, remember?” I said, elbowing him playfully.

He laughed lightly and shook his head as he stopped walking. I hadn't even realized that we had reached his car already.

“Do you read a ride home?” He asked. I shook my head.

“No, I'll walk. I need the fresh air.” I told him.

He nodded and pulled his keys out his pocket, unlocking his car. He opened the door, and for a second I thought he was going to get in, but he turned around and hugged me, catching me off guard. I stood there for a minute, unsure of what to do, but eventually I hugged him back, burying my face in his chest. We stayed like this for a moment, I knew he was doing the same thing I was. Reminiscing in his mind about the times when this was normal. When it wasn't weird and shocking. When there was no hesitation at such an act of comfort.

Unfortunately those days were gone. They no longer existed except in memories. I would always hesitate to accept any form of physical contact from him. It would always feel weird to me. It wasn't normal anymore. He wasn't my rock anymore. He wasn't the person I went to went I needed comfort. I didn't go to him when I needed a laugh. He wasn't my boyfriend. He wasn't even my friend anymore. He was my ex. He was the man who broke my heart for the first time. He was the man who destroyed my trust in everyone close to me. He was poison to me.

I sighed as I pulled myself out of my thoughts. I let go of Alex and took a couple steps back.

“I should get going.” I said quietly. Alex nodded and got in his car. I started to walk away but he rolled down the window and told me to wait. I turned around and looked at him.

“Please, if you ever think you're going to relapse again, if you're going through a rough time, or just need to talk, call me. My number is still the same” He said. I nodded slowly and walked away.

I heard Alex’s car pull away and I sighed. Even if he was poison, there would always be a part of my that loved him. He was my first love, but before that he was my best friend. I couldn't deny that even through my anger at him, I still wondered how he was doing sometimes. I still cared.

I pushed those thoughts aside as I walked. As I reached the gates of the cemetery I looked back up the hill. I could see the moonlight reflecting off my father's casket as the workers at the cemetery removed the flowers from on top of it and lowered it into the ground. I pressed my lips into a hard line as I turned my back to what was happening. I couldn't watch. I couldn't watch them poor the dirt on top of his casket, locking him underground, finalizing his death. It was too much.

Notes