Will You Fall In Love Again?
We All Break Down
“So if it’s a girl I get to name it and if it’s a boy you get to name it?” Mike said whilst plopping himself down next to me on the bed and instantly reaching for my stomach. He always loved tickling it or just having his hand on it.
“Yeah! That’s the plan anyway. What are you thinking for if it’s a girl?”
“Hmm, either Kaydence or Analeigh. What do you think?” he said whilst finally looking up from my stomach and looked into my eyes as I spoke.
“Kaydence… That’s really nice. They’re both really nice, well done baby! But uhm, I quite like the idea of naming a boy after you, so either Michael, Christopher or Carlos. I’ve always loved that name.” I cupped Mike’s face in my hand and pressed a kiss to his lips gently.
I’m 6 months pregnant now and Mike and I are happier than ever, we’ve got such an amazing relationship and we’re both so lucky. My pregnancy has actually been great; I haven’t had much morning sickness. I’d say I had it for two days at the most, I haven’t had many of the bad things you hear pregnant people moan about. So all is good and I’m so thankful for that because I’m such a wimp – I have no idea how I’m going to go through labour.
“Are you going to get an epidural or what?” Mike said.
“It depends; I might be too far on in the labour for them to give me one. But I want to try my best to not get anything other than gas and air. I want to actually feel it, you know? Your hands might be a tiny bit broken though…”
“You’re brave” Mike said with a chuckle.
He leaned over my side to turn my lamp off on the bedside table. We were going to look for a place of our own once the baby was here and I was so excited to move out, although sort of sad to leave my little Hime-Time (which I haven’t been seeing much of recently as he’s got a girlfriend). She’s gorgeous and really quirky like him. They’re perfect for each other! Mike turned the lamp off at his side too and we lay down watching TV in bed together, totally content in each other’s arms. We made out for a good hour or so before we decided to stop and just cuddle, which is where I fell asleep in my perfect man’s arms. Can life get any better?
I woke up at 3AM to pee. This baby sure does like to press on my bladder, I’m forever peeing! I got back into bed and admired Mike’s face for a while; he’s such a beautiful sleeper. He genuinely looks like a little angel, he doesn’t drool and he very gently snores so it’s the best. As soon as I got back under the covers and everything he cuddled into me right away, and nuzzled his face into the back of my neck. I was just thinking about how perfect he was and how happy I was with my life, which I seemed to do a lot lately, when I got the sorest pain in my lower stomach/lower back area. I shrugged it off as nothing but when it happened for a second time and with much more force I jolted up quickly and sat on the edge of the bed, trying to keep calm. I didn’t know what was going on but even if it was nothing, stressing is not good for the baby.
Just keep telling yourself that stress is not good Scar.
Oh fuck another pain. They’re getting worse. Every 10 minutes now. I was sat on the edge of the bed practically keeled over, I couldn’t contain the pain. Sweat trickled down the side of my face as tears rolled down my cheeks. This cannot be happening. I refuse to lose the best thing to happen to me. No. No. No.
“Baby?” Mike said with a muffled voice, “Come back to bed, what are you doing?” with no reply from me he sat up, concerned and put his hand on my back to realise I was crying. “Baby! What the fuck is going on? What’s wrong?” He jumped up out of the bed and ran round to me where he lifted my chin up and wiped my tears away. “Are you getting pains? Where?” I pointed to the pain as I could hardly keep myself together. “We’re going to the hospital, now.”
Mike ran round to Jaime’s room to come in and keep me calm whilst he got clothes on and a jacket for me, Jaime insisted on coming so he could help with carrying me in and out of the car and things. I’m so scared right now that I couldn’t even contain myself from crying.
Keep calm for fuck’s sake Scarlett Danes, the worst thing to do is stress. Keep fucking calm.
We got to the hospital and Mike filled out the form for me whilst I was squeezing Jaime’s hand. The pain was getting worse so I decided to stand up just for a minute when I see blood around me on the chair, I screamed out with the shock. I can’t lose this baby, I can’t.
“They’re taking you to an emergency ward now Scar, Mike’s going with you, I’m staying right out here and you know where I am if you need another hand to break, I love you and everything will be okay, okay? Keep calm. Everything will be fine honey.” Jaime pressed a kiss to my forehead as I was put on a wheelchair whilst Mike and the nurse wheeled me to the emergency ward.
“I’m so sorry Scarlett, but there isn’t any way we can stop your labour now or slow it down in any way it’s too far gone, I don’t know why it’s happened this quickly. This just happens sometimes… I’m so sorry but you need to start pushing and we’ll do everything we can for your baby.”
Mike and I nodded and I began pushing.
“Come on baby you can do it” he encouraged me the whole way through and made sure I was okay, giving me drinks of water, wiping away my tears. I don’t know how the fuck he was doing it, he must have been just as scared as I was or even worse!
Eventually a tiny little limp baby boy came out of me and I sighed with relief once it was done, I think I’d have preferred an epidural after all. The baby was rushed to the incubator and there was a team of people surrounding him. I was so scared, I didn’t know what was happening. I just wanted to hold him in my arms and tell him I love him.
“When can we see him?” Mike said, looking just about as panicked as I was.
“Well the thing is, he’s 2 and a half months premature, I’m not saying he won’t survive because we have seen lots of babies survive at this time. But he hasn’t cried yet and we’re not sure if he’s breathing properly so we need to make sure he’s o-” just as she said this we heard this loud cry come from the back of the room. Mike and I smiled and sighed with relief. “Never mind that then," she said with a smile, "but we do need to run some blood tests and things, hopefully he is okay and decently developed. Then, you should get to hold him"
Mike and I nodded and he kissed me, "Well done baby, I'm so proud and you did amazingly, I'm just going to go out to Jaime to let him know, then he can either phone or drop everyone else a text to let them know."
Whilst Mike was gone the baby got handed to me. He was absolutely stunning, still so tiny, but stunning. He had mike's eyes for sure and his lips, and his long fingers. To be fair, he just looked exactly like Mike, he was the most beautiful little boy I'd ever seen and my face lit up the whole time I was holding him, I smiled the entire time and I've never experienced something so amazing in my entire life.
"You are the double of your father, I just hope you have my personality, I don't know if we could handle a mini daddy! He was a trouble maker when he was younger. All this pain and everything was worth it, Carlos Michael Fuentes. My baby boy. I love you." I kissed his little button nose, then his little lips, then his little forehead and he looked so content in my arms, I felt a tear slide out of my eye as I rocked him, so happy that everything seemed to be okay.
"Baby that was the most adorable thing ever." I heard Mike say, standing in the doorway, he looked so nervous.
"Well come on and meet your beautiful son." I smiled and kissed him on his little button nose once more before handing him to Mike, who kissed me on the lips, then kissed his son's head and rocked him. I seen a tear slide from his eyes too. This was just such a magical moment.
"UNCLE HIME TIME IS HERE!" Jaime shouted excitedly with the others as they came through a few days later. I was just finished putting on Carlos' clothes, which looked like they drowned him, but it was only because he was so tiny.
"Oh my god, Scar, he is so fucking gorgeous." Vic came over and practically stole him off me and cuddled him and kissed him. "I can't believe I'm an uncle to such a handsome little guy."
"I know, he's the most perfect guy in the whole world." I said, smiling. I hadn't stopped since I gave birth.
"Hey! Aren't I meant to be perfect?" Mike said as he walked in with tea for us both whilst sticking out his bottom lip.
"Well he looks like you so he's automatically perfecter." Mike chuckled and kissed me. "We're getting out today guys, I'm so excited to be in my own bed and me, Carlos and Mike can just cuddle forever!" I said lying back with my tea.
We got home and were settled in, I set Carlos down for a sleep as I'd just fed him. I sat down on the couch with my feet up, falling asleep myself when there was a phonecall on the housephone. I recognised the number, it was the hospital. Maybe with Carlos' results. Oh no. I've been dreading this since he was born.
"Hi... Yep, yeah it's Scarlett speaking. Yeah, okay" I put the woman on loudspeaker so Mike could hear too.
"I'm afraid that Carlos' lungs and brains aren't developed to the way we'd like them to. I'm not sure how long... But treasure him while you can. I'm so, so sorry. If you need anyone to speak to you know we can set everything up for you" I pressed off the loudspeaker button and passed the phone to Mike while I sat on the couch with my head in my hands. He said goodbye to the woman and put the phone down. We were both stunned, the look on our face made it seem like we'd seen a ghost. I couldn't even cry. I was totally numb. My whole world was crashing down right in front of me and there was absolutely nothing I could do about it. Nothing.
So we had Carlos for about two weeks when he passed in his sleep. It's his funeral today and I haven't spoken to Mike yet. We've hardly spoken at all over the past couple of days. I don't blame him, he probably doesn't want to look at me, I just can't believe it. I picked up my outfit and reluctantly put it on, staring in the mirror at the ghost I'd become. I've not ate since I found him, I have only drank water and I have slept for about 4 hours within about 3 days. I'm a walking, talking dead person. Everyone is devastated. Mike and I were just about to put the offer in for our house when I realised I should check on our little man because it was time for his next feed, but he wasn't breathing, we did everything and so did the doctors but he was gone. How can something so unbelievably amazing happen to you and then within the space of two weeks just be totally ripped from your life? It felt like it ripped me in half. I'm not who I was anymore. Mike doesn't seem to be who he was anymore either. I don't know what I'm going to do. I can't handle this.
The funeral passed by in a blur. I can't remember any of it. All I remember is staring at that tiny coffin and feeling like I should be there with him. I can't fucking do this. I can't be here without my baby. That was my baby and now he's gone. And Mike is gone. All he does is sit on the balcony and drink all day until he passes out. Nothing's perfect anymore. Nothing's okay.
“Yeah! That’s the plan anyway. What are you thinking for if it’s a girl?”
“Hmm, either Kaydence or Analeigh. What do you think?” he said whilst finally looking up from my stomach and looked into my eyes as I spoke.
“Kaydence… That’s really nice. They’re both really nice, well done baby! But uhm, I quite like the idea of naming a boy after you, so either Michael, Christopher or Carlos. I’ve always loved that name.” I cupped Mike’s face in my hand and pressed a kiss to his lips gently.
I’m 6 months pregnant now and Mike and I are happier than ever, we’ve got such an amazing relationship and we’re both so lucky. My pregnancy has actually been great; I haven’t had much morning sickness. I’d say I had it for two days at the most, I haven’t had many of the bad things you hear pregnant people moan about. So all is good and I’m so thankful for that because I’m such a wimp – I have no idea how I’m going to go through labour.
“Are you going to get an epidural or what?” Mike said.
“It depends; I might be too far on in the labour for them to give me one. But I want to try my best to not get anything other than gas and air. I want to actually feel it, you know? Your hands might be a tiny bit broken though…”
“You’re brave” Mike said with a chuckle.
He leaned over my side to turn my lamp off on the bedside table. We were going to look for a place of our own once the baby was here and I was so excited to move out, although sort of sad to leave my little Hime-Time (which I haven’t been seeing much of recently as he’s got a girlfriend). She’s gorgeous and really quirky like him. They’re perfect for each other! Mike turned the lamp off at his side too and we lay down watching TV in bed together, totally content in each other’s arms. We made out for a good hour or so before we decided to stop and just cuddle, which is where I fell asleep in my perfect man’s arms. Can life get any better?
I woke up at 3AM to pee. This baby sure does like to press on my bladder, I’m forever peeing! I got back into bed and admired Mike’s face for a while; he’s such a beautiful sleeper. He genuinely looks like a little angel, he doesn’t drool and he very gently snores so it’s the best. As soon as I got back under the covers and everything he cuddled into me right away, and nuzzled his face into the back of my neck. I was just thinking about how perfect he was and how happy I was with my life, which I seemed to do a lot lately, when I got the sorest pain in my lower stomach/lower back area. I shrugged it off as nothing but when it happened for a second time and with much more force I jolted up quickly and sat on the edge of the bed, trying to keep calm. I didn’t know what was going on but even if it was nothing, stressing is not good for the baby.
Just keep telling yourself that stress is not good Scar.
Oh fuck another pain. They’re getting worse. Every 10 minutes now. I was sat on the edge of the bed practically keeled over, I couldn’t contain the pain. Sweat trickled down the side of my face as tears rolled down my cheeks. This cannot be happening. I refuse to lose the best thing to happen to me. No. No. No.
“Baby?” Mike said with a muffled voice, “Come back to bed, what are you doing?” with no reply from me he sat up, concerned and put his hand on my back to realise I was crying. “Baby! What the fuck is going on? What’s wrong?” He jumped up out of the bed and ran round to me where he lifted my chin up and wiped my tears away. “Are you getting pains? Where?” I pointed to the pain as I could hardly keep myself together. “We’re going to the hospital, now.”
Mike ran round to Jaime’s room to come in and keep me calm whilst he got clothes on and a jacket for me, Jaime insisted on coming so he could help with carrying me in and out of the car and things. I’m so scared right now that I couldn’t even contain myself from crying.
Keep calm for fuck’s sake Scarlett Danes, the worst thing to do is stress. Keep fucking calm.
We got to the hospital and Mike filled out the form for me whilst I was squeezing Jaime’s hand. The pain was getting worse so I decided to stand up just for a minute when I see blood around me on the chair, I screamed out with the shock. I can’t lose this baby, I can’t.
“They’re taking you to an emergency ward now Scar, Mike’s going with you, I’m staying right out here and you know where I am if you need another hand to break, I love you and everything will be okay, okay? Keep calm. Everything will be fine honey.” Jaime pressed a kiss to my forehead as I was put on a wheelchair whilst Mike and the nurse wheeled me to the emergency ward.
“I’m so sorry Scarlett, but there isn’t any way we can stop your labour now or slow it down in any way it’s too far gone, I don’t know why it’s happened this quickly. This just happens sometimes… I’m so sorry but you need to start pushing and we’ll do everything we can for your baby.”
Mike and I nodded and I began pushing.
“Come on baby you can do it” he encouraged me the whole way through and made sure I was okay, giving me drinks of water, wiping away my tears. I don’t know how the fuck he was doing it, he must have been just as scared as I was or even worse!
Eventually a tiny little limp baby boy came out of me and I sighed with relief once it was done, I think I’d have preferred an epidural after all. The baby was rushed to the incubator and there was a team of people surrounding him. I was so scared, I didn’t know what was happening. I just wanted to hold him in my arms and tell him I love him.
“When can we see him?” Mike said, looking just about as panicked as I was.
“Well the thing is, he’s 2 and a half months premature, I’m not saying he won’t survive because we have seen lots of babies survive at this time. But he hasn’t cried yet and we’re not sure if he’s breathing properly so we need to make sure he’s o-” just as she said this we heard this loud cry come from the back of the room. Mike and I smiled and sighed with relief. “Never mind that then," she said with a smile, "but we do need to run some blood tests and things, hopefully he is okay and decently developed. Then, you should get to hold him"
Mike and I nodded and he kissed me, "Well done baby, I'm so proud and you did amazingly, I'm just going to go out to Jaime to let him know, then he can either phone or drop everyone else a text to let them know."
Whilst Mike was gone the baby got handed to me. He was absolutely stunning, still so tiny, but stunning. He had mike's eyes for sure and his lips, and his long fingers. To be fair, he just looked exactly like Mike, he was the most beautiful little boy I'd ever seen and my face lit up the whole time I was holding him, I smiled the entire time and I've never experienced something so amazing in my entire life.
"You are the double of your father, I just hope you have my personality, I don't know if we could handle a mini daddy! He was a trouble maker when he was younger. All this pain and everything was worth it, Carlos Michael Fuentes. My baby boy. I love you." I kissed his little button nose, then his little lips, then his little forehead and he looked so content in my arms, I felt a tear slide out of my eye as I rocked him, so happy that everything seemed to be okay.
"Baby that was the most adorable thing ever." I heard Mike say, standing in the doorway, he looked so nervous.
"Well come on and meet your beautiful son." I smiled and kissed him on his little button nose once more before handing him to Mike, who kissed me on the lips, then kissed his son's head and rocked him. I seen a tear slide from his eyes too. This was just such a magical moment.
"UNCLE HIME TIME IS HERE!" Jaime shouted excitedly with the others as they came through a few days later. I was just finished putting on Carlos' clothes, which looked like they drowned him, but it was only because he was so tiny.
"Oh my god, Scar, he is so fucking gorgeous." Vic came over and practically stole him off me and cuddled him and kissed him. "I can't believe I'm an uncle to such a handsome little guy."
"I know, he's the most perfect guy in the whole world." I said, smiling. I hadn't stopped since I gave birth.
"Hey! Aren't I meant to be perfect?" Mike said as he walked in with tea for us both whilst sticking out his bottom lip.
"Well he looks like you so he's automatically perfecter." Mike chuckled and kissed me. "We're getting out today guys, I'm so excited to be in my own bed and me, Carlos and Mike can just cuddle forever!" I said lying back with my tea.
We got home and were settled in, I set Carlos down for a sleep as I'd just fed him. I sat down on the couch with my feet up, falling asleep myself when there was a phonecall on the housephone. I recognised the number, it was the hospital. Maybe with Carlos' results. Oh no. I've been dreading this since he was born.
"Hi... Yep, yeah it's Scarlett speaking. Yeah, okay" I put the woman on loudspeaker so Mike could hear too.
"I'm afraid that Carlos' lungs and brains aren't developed to the way we'd like them to. I'm not sure how long... But treasure him while you can. I'm so, so sorry. If you need anyone to speak to you know we can set everything up for you" I pressed off the loudspeaker button and passed the phone to Mike while I sat on the couch with my head in my hands. He said goodbye to the woman and put the phone down. We were both stunned, the look on our face made it seem like we'd seen a ghost. I couldn't even cry. I was totally numb. My whole world was crashing down right in front of me and there was absolutely nothing I could do about it. Nothing.
So we had Carlos for about two weeks when he passed in his sleep. It's his funeral today and I haven't spoken to Mike yet. We've hardly spoken at all over the past couple of days. I don't blame him, he probably doesn't want to look at me, I just can't believe it. I picked up my outfit and reluctantly put it on, staring in the mirror at the ghost I'd become. I've not ate since I found him, I have only drank water and I have slept for about 4 hours within about 3 days. I'm a walking, talking dead person. Everyone is devastated. Mike and I were just about to put the offer in for our house when I realised I should check on our little man because it was time for his next feed, but he wasn't breathing, we did everything and so did the doctors but he was gone. How can something so unbelievably amazing happen to you and then within the space of two weeks just be totally ripped from your life? It felt like it ripped me in half. I'm not who I was anymore. Mike doesn't seem to be who he was anymore either. I don't know what I'm going to do. I can't handle this.
The funeral passed by in a blur. I can't remember any of it. All I remember is staring at that tiny coffin and feeling like I should be there with him. I can't fucking do this. I can't be here without my baby. That was my baby and now he's gone. And Mike is gone. All he does is sit on the balcony and drink all day until he passes out. Nothing's perfect anymore. Nothing's okay.
Notes
Title credit: Besitos - Pierce the Veil.Meh I don't think this chapter is written very well but anyway! Thank you for reading, it means the world to me!
Thinking of either starting to write a Tony or Vic story!
I'll be updating again tomorrow night, thank you so much for reading, you're all the best <3
Awww, you're so sweet man!
11/11/13