“I think you should stay here with Mike, and then I will go to either Jaime’s or Tony’s,” Vic suggested as we discussed our options—Marlena had devised a plan in which we had to gradually spend more and more time apart. We began by sleeping separately, and now were at the next “step”: living separately. It really wasn’t that difficult, knowing that he was just a room away, but I wasn’t so sure about being in completely different houses. Also, the tour was over, so I didn’t know how often I’d see him.

“Vic, this is technically your house. I should go somewhere else, and you can stay here,” I pressed.

“Mi cases es tu casa,” he murmured. I raised an eyebrow at him. I didn’t speak Spanish, so I only picked up on “casa”, which I knew meant “house”. “My house is your house. It doesn’t make a difference, really,” he clarified. “Besides, Jaime will have Jess and Tony will probably have Parker, and I don’t think you want to hang around being the third wheel all the time. You’ll be happier here with Mike,” he added.

“Yeah? And you enjoy being the third wheel?” I challenged.

“I’ve been a third wheel my entire life with this slut over here,” Vic nodded over to Mike, who dropped his jaw in protest. “I’ll be fine, babe, seriously,” he chuckled lightly. “This is more for you, anyway,” he added. I tilted my head to the side. Did he really just say that?

“So I’m the weak one, right, I forgot,” I muttered to myself, turning slightly away.

“That didn’t come out right,” he said, worry spreading across his face. “I only meant—”

“I’m the one who gets panic attacks, I know. And you don’t. I get it,” I snipped. “This is all because of me, okay, okay,” I shook my head.

I saw Mike raise his eyebrows behind Vic.

“That’s not true,” Vic furrowed his eyebrows, slightly raising his voice. “Just because I don’t show it by choking up doesn’t mean I don’t feel as bad as you do!” he shook his head. “Wrong words again, shit,” he muttered, but I paid no attention to his afterthought.

His words were like a slap in the face. “Do you think I do this on purpose? Fuck, Vic, we were supposed to be in this together. That’s the whole point,” I said, trying to suppress my sadness while strengthening my anger. Except I felt like I was going to be sick. I didn’t like arguing with Vic. Shit, I’ve never actually fought with him before. It didn’t feel right.

He shook his head a few times before continuing. “What I meant before, about it being more for you… I only meant that your pain is more… more physical. And it scares me, the way you can fucking die from a panic attack. You’re more important in this case, right now, because it’s your life,” he clarified. Ah, shit, not now, I pleaded my body, but I couldn’t help it when my chest tightened up. I clutched my chest, walking back into the wall for support.

‘They—they just happen. And I can’t—I can’t help it,” I gasped. I slid down to the floor, focusing on my breathing. Vic stood there with vacancy in his eyes while Mike rushed over to me, holding me carefully as I tried to calm down.

“I’m sorry,” Vic said. “I’m sorry I cause you pain…”

He stood quiet for a moment, staring blankly again.

I shook my head. “It’s—it’s not you,” I emphasized through my breaths. “It’s bad situations. I just—I just need to learn—how—to—deal with them on my—own,” I continued to gasp, but I felt like I was able to control my breathing better; I had a better grip on the reigns of my lungs.

He nodded; he understood. “I still have to go,” he said, picking up his bag.

“I’ll be at Tony’s,” he said. He knelt down to me, kissed me lightly on the lips, and then he was gone.

~~

“That escalated quickly,” Mike said, about thirty minutes after Vic was gone. I squinted my eyes at him.

“Shut the fuck up and hand me a damn twizzler,” I demanded, holding a palm out. We were sitting on the couch watching movies together—of course, Harry Potter.

“He did that on purpose, you know,” Mike said.

“Did what?”

“Well, I always knew he was an asshole, but—” Mike started, but I punched him in the arm. He laughed, continuing. “Okay, okay, he’s not an asshole. He just says the wrong shit sometimes. But he left abruptly on purpose,” he nodded.

“What does that even mean?” I asked, tucking my legs into my chest.

“It evoked emotion into you,” he said.

“Yeah, fucking anger, after I figured out how to breathe,” I growled.

“Exactly. You figured it all out, by yourself. Good job,” he said patting my head. I guess he was right; I was in a terrible mood, but I suppose being angry as opposed to being panicked and depressed was probably better for my health.

“How did he know I would get mad and not panic really bad?” I asked.

“Because,” he said. “He knows what triggers you. Upsetting, life or death situations,” he continued, like it was an obvious thing.

“I know, but I had a mini one when we fought a little, so how—”

“A mini one. And you handled it just fine. You’re stronger than you think. Vic sure as hell thinks so, anyway, and so do I,” he said. I sighed.

“Ever since you… you know…”

“Ever since I what?” I furrowed my eyebrows.

“You haven’t been the same since… since John…” Mike said, clearly not wanting to say it.

“Oh?”

“We all see it, even though you may not. Yeah, you love Vic and all of us and all, but you haven’t shown any emotion,” he clarified. “You’ve been so… robotic. It’s really fucking with my head,” he said.

I thought for a moment. I hadn’t realized how miserable I’ve actually been. I haven’t gotten drunk, I haven’t gone to parties, and I have barely let Vic touch me. That last few weeks have been an entire blur… I could just feel myself slipping away.

“He wanted you to feel something, rather than nothing at all,” Mike continued. “He’s not going anywhere, and you know that, which is why you’re okay right now.”

“Stop, Mike, I’m only okay because you’re here!” I giggled, cuddling up to him.

“I knew it!” he chuckled.

“I don’t know what I’d do without you guys, though,” I sighed into his shoulder. He didn't answer, but just tightened his arms around me.

“You’d have nobody to watch Harry Potter with!” I felt him smile.

“I’d have nobody to watch Star Wars with, either!” I added.

“And who’d you play fifa with?”

“And who would I eat spaghetti and fucking Hershey’s syrup and pop tarts with?” I smiled. “Let’s face it, I need all of you equally,” I noted seriously.

“Yeah, well guess what? We need you just as much, too,” Mike responded.

All of a sudden a thought occurred to me, a thought that I had neglected for too long.

“Shit, Mike, I don’t even know how Vic is!” I said.

“What are you talking about?”

“I’ve been caught up in my own self that I haven’t even considered how he feels… he fucking killed—”

Mike put a finger to my lips before I could finish. “He’s fine,” he said.

“Fine? He can’t just be fine!”

“Do you want him to not be fine?” Mike raised an eyebrow.

“No! I just mean, I have been focusing selfishly on myself that I haven’t even considered how he must feel after what happened. Like, I know Jake was a sad excuse for a human being, but Vic killed a guy, he must—”

“Bear. He was shaken up. Surprised that he did it. But you’re all that matters to him. Hence, why he did it,” Mike exclaimed.

“Michael Fuentes, did you just say hence?” I giggled, poking him in the side.

“Fuck you!” he laughed, tickling me.

I smiled and laughed, but I wished that I was smiling and laughing on the inside, too.

Notes

I'm sorry that it has been so long (2 whole days omg) since i've updated! I had some issues writing this for whatever reason, and I have to admit i'm not to pleased with the way this chapter turned out. Something is missing, but don't worry, i'm working on it. I hope the next chapters turn out better. i think this is just because my characters are going through a confusing/rough time!

Thanks for the kind comments and the tremendous amount of rates/reads/subscriptions. It really makes me happy to see y'all reading/enjoying my story :)

PS. check out my other story "I'm The Killed Who Burned Your Home" ;)