“I don’t like this. I don’t like this one bit,” I muttered under my breath so nobody could hear me as Jaime drove Vic and me to the… therapist. I didn’t like the idea of going to a therapist or a psychiatrist or any sort of professional with Vic. It made me feel a little worthless, a little pathetic, and a little crazy, even though he was doing it—and needed it—too. However, we didn’t really have a choice (according to Jaime). Last week, post the shooting, something triggered inside of me, giving me the worst panic attack that I’ve ever had in my entire life. And since then, I’ve been on “high-alert” for future panic attacks. I couldn’t control my emotions or my breathing, which was the problem. For the sake of my life, I really didn’t have a choice but to resolve this issue.

We sat in the waiting room for a good thirty minutes. Jaime sat on my right, holding my hand carefully, and Vic sat on my left, his hand casually resting on my left leg. Nobody else, besides the receptionist, was in the office, but we remained quiet. I studied my surroundings. The office, unlike a regular doctor’s office, was happy. The atmosphere sent warmth and hope through my veins.

“Hello, I take it that you are Claire, and Vic…?” a warm voice approached us. I looked at the source; she was average height, with big, blue eyes, and shoulder length brown hair. She wore light washed Capri’s and a pastel blue top with a chunky brown necklace. She looked so young, and her mere presence radiated innocence. I immediately felt safe with her company; it was like she was fixing me by just standing there, like I was absorbing her innocence and happiness that I so longed for.

“That’s me,” Vic raised his hand, indicating that he was, in fact, Vic.

“Okay,” she smiled. “My name is Marlena, and I’m ready for you two,” she smiled again. I didn’t detect a single ounce of fakeness in her smile. It was a natural uplifting of the corner’s of her mouths, unlike the police officers who seemed to smile only because they were trained to.

I took a deep breath and stood up with Vic. He held my hand tightly, and I released my other one from Jaime’s.

“I’ll be here,” he said, and then we turned toward the door Marlena was holding open for us.

Her office was very comforting. It had a faint flowery smell—not overwhelming, but calming. She motioned for us to sit on a light pink couch, across from her chair.

“All right, because this is our first meeting, I’m going to keep you guys together for the beginning,” she began. I looked at her confused. We were going to separate?

“In a few minutes though, I’d like to talk to Claire alone, if that’s okay?” she continued.

She seemed welcoming and inviting, so I couldn’t help but nod “yes”. I guess I didn’t really have a choice in the matter, anyway.

“So, is it okay that I ask you a few questions about your relationship? Don’t worry, everything will remain confidential,” she asked with a smile. Why would I ever worry about confidentiality? Everything about us was pretty public, anyway.

We nodded.

“So, you are engaged?” she leaned forward in her chair casually, as if she were a close friend excitedly clarifying the status of our relationship.

“Yea,” Vic spoke, squeezing my hand.

“How long have you been together?”

I bit my lip; I had to think about this for a second. When did we officially become a couple? Was it when he kissed me the night after being released from the hospital after I was shot? Was it when we had sex for the first time? Was it when he kissed me on stage? I guess we officially declared ourselves that night, the night after Mike asked me about my feelings for Vic and then coordinated Vic kissing me in front of fans… but we began long before that, I could hardly put an exact date on it.

“Well, we knew each other because we asked her to be in our band, and she moved out here to San Diego, and, naturally, we all were together a lot. So I guess it just developed over time, over the course of a year, maybe,” Vic spoke again. Yes, he was probably right. So much shit has happened to us, though, that the exact timeline is blurry.

She smiled. “That’s nice. So, when do you plan on getting married?”

“We were thinking the fall, after touring this summer,” I finally spoke up. She nodded her head.

“Are you still touring, now?” she asked.

I sighed. Touring was so difficult with everything that has happened, but we couldn’t let fans down for a third time. “Yeah,” I said. “It’s a lot of back and forth, but we are still playing shows.” I tried to sound happier about it, but traveling was tiring. However, I loved touring so much, and I was glad we didn’t cancel this tour. It was just a pain having to fly around all of the time.

“I understand that you have been through a lot together…?” she began.

I nodded. Hell, we’ve been through so much that I didn’t even know if there was a single person on this planet that would be better for either of us.

Her facial expression was no longer happy, but concerned. Vic and I had subconsciously grown tense; we didn’t want to talk about it.

“Maybe we will talk about those times individually,” she suggested, moving on.

“All right, let’s see…” she murmured to herself, apparently thinking. “When do you think did your relationship turn… intense? Like, when did you realize that you couldn’t be without each other?”

My answer was easy. “We got in a really bad bus accident on tour, and he almost died. That’s when I realized that I couldn’t function without him…” I said quietly, deciding not to mention that I had tried to kill myself, too. She nodded, taking in my words.

Vic’s answer surprised me. “The moment I realized I like her more than a band mate, that’s when I knew I couldn’t be without her. We invited her to the band because not only was she a good fit singing-wise, but also because we thought we were saving her from… from a poor situation,” he said. “But then a few weeks in I began to like her more and more, and it turns out that she actually saved me. I had a bad ex-girlfriend who really messed me up, but Claire fixed me. She made me feel like it was possible to love again. And whenever she wasn’t around, the hole in my chest was back, and that’s when I realized I needed her,” he continued. Wow. I never realized that he liked me like that so soon. I never realized that he was so hopelessly dependent on me, too; I always figured I was worse than him. I always figured I was more damaged than him.

“Hm, interesting,” Marlena said more to herself. What was interesting? “Okay, I think this is good for now. Vic, would you mind going back to the waiting room while I talk to Claire?” she asked politely. I slightly shivered when he released my hand. He kissed the top of my head and then left.

“You really are in love, aren’t you?” she smiled. I blushed immensely.

“Yes,” I sighed.

“That’s not a bad thing, you know. The only bad thing here are your panic attacks,” she noted. I nodded. I knew that. "I'll be giving you breathing exercises for those, by the way," she added.

“I know we need to be less dependent on each other, but how do you fix it without drilling a hole through our relationship?” I asked.

She smiled sympathetically. “It will be hard, but I’ve dealt with this before,” she said. I felt relief swarm over me. She has dealt with this before! We weren’t the only ones…

“Actually, I’ve dealt with worse,” she said seriously.

“Worse? How so?” I asked.

“Well, just now you two had to separate, and you did so calmly. One time, I had a couple who refused to leave each other, like a littler toddler who didn’t want to go to his first day of kindergarten,” she raised her eyebrows. I couldn’t help but laugh a little… that seemed so… so ridiculous.

“Well it helps knowing that he’s in the room over,” I commented. “And I guess it’s worse in more serious situations. Like if the situation seemed more permanent, that’s when I panic. And I guess we’ve been through a few situations where it felt like I’d lose him forever, so that made me more attached to him, now,” I explained.

“That makes sense,” she nodded. “About your panic attacks: how often do you have them?”

“Well, last week, when, well, you know…” I stammered on my words a little bit. “That was the worst one I’ve ever had,” I continued.

“Have you ever had bad panic attacks before?”

I thought for a moment.

“Yes,” I breathed.

“Would you like to share them for me? Just so I have a clearer idea on what triggers you?” she asked. “And don’t worry, this will stay confidential,” she added.

I bit my lip. “Well… I had a really bad panic attack when I heard that my parents were tentatively visiting me, and I literally had to rip him inside the room I was in because I couldn’t breathe, and I knew he was the only one who could help me,” I said.

“So, your parents…”

“I haven’t talked to them in a couple years. They never really reached out to me, never really cared about what I wanted to do, never supported me when I finally had an opportunity,” I shrugged my shoulders, attempting nonchalance. “I mean, I guess you could say I’m dependent on Vic, specifically, but also the entire band, too. Like Tony, Jaime, and Mike… I don’t know what I would do without them, either. They became my family when I had none,” I added.

“Were there any other serious instances?” she asked after a few moments of silence.

“Yeah… um, you said this is confidential, right? You won’t tell any one else?” I asked nervously.

“Yes, of course,” she said kindly.

“Well, um, a few weeks ago… at our Orlando tour date… at an after party, the new tour photographer… well, he, uh, he raped me,” I stuttered. I didn’t like talking about it, but I knew that she should know. He eyes widened.

“Everything’s okay now, Vic knows and everything,” I added before she interjected. “Except the night after, when we were in Miami, I accidentally… well it wasn’t an accident, I guess… I cut myself, because at that point Vic didn’t know and everything was building up and it was terrible, and then my band mate slash best friend found me, and I told him what had happened,” I spoke quickly and nervously. Her facial expression remained shocked. “And after I let it all out, I panicked, and I need Vic. I couldn’t breathe or see straight until Tony went to get him, and then Vic was able to calm me down,” I explained further. “And it’s interesting. I am really sensitive when people touch me, now, for obvious reasons, but I’m okay when it’s Vic, or any of the other guys—Tony, Mike, Jaime—for that matter,” I added.

She nodded again. “So those are the worst ones you can remember?”

I thought for a moment. “Well, I had my first one when my ex-boyfriend who was abusive called me, and Vic found me and held me until I felt better,” I said.

Then I tilted my head up at her. “Why do bad things always happen to us?” I asked, as if she knew the answer.

She scrunched her mouth, contemplating. “I wouldn’t say bad things are always happening. Vic seems to be the best thing that’s ever happened to you,” she noted. And she was right. Through everything, he was there.

“But we also have to address the dependence problem,” she added. “And I think I have an idea.”

Notes

ew to sort of filler chapter :( enjoy nonetheless

wow okay so i update a lot, but i'm afraid that because i update so often that my writing is low quality, but i have an issue where i get stuck on an idea and i can't move on until i write it out/post it
i'm like... addicted... to writing. is that bad?

ps i love u