We played a show in Miami (the first show being in Orlando), and it was, as usual, fantastic. I always managed to forget myself on the stage, except when I saw John, crawling around taking the concert photographs. Whenever I did see him, though, I was able to force myself to concentrate on the music. As always, music was my outlet, my way of forgetting things. It always helped knowing that Vic was ten feet to my left.

“I love touring by flying,” Jaime plopped down on the backstage couch, sweaty and energetic after the show.

“Why’s that?” Tony asked.

“Because, we have to much more time for after parties!” Jaime said excitedly. I shivered. “The All Time Low guys know a good place to go to,” Jaime added.

“I feel like they know everyone,” I commented.

“Claire bear!” before I had anytime to process what was happening, someone put their hands around me, picking me up from behind. I went rigid and silent, terror clearly expressed on my face. Everyone stopped what they were doing, staring at me with wide eyes. The person who picked me up put me down.

“Are you okay, bear? It looks like you just saw a ghost,” Tony said quietly.

“I didn’t mean to scare you, buddy,” Mike said, frowning. I shivered again. Of course, what I was trying really hard to avoid had to happen. I didn’t like the way the guys stared at me, but I didn’t like my reaction to Mike’s playfulness. He was always like that, and I was never like this.

“Sorry, I just… I just—uh—” I was having trouble forming a sentence. “I’m really tired, you just caught me off guard, no big deal,” I smiled, sounding convinced myself.

Mike chuckled, but the laugh didn’t spread to his eyes. I always looked at people’s eyes when they spoke or laughed, because the eyes always tell the truth.

“Hey, Parker is staying in tonight, if you don’t want to go to the after party, either,” Tony changed the subject.

“Oh, yeah, okay. I’ll hang with her!” I said, relieved.

~~


“Are you sure you are okay here?” Vic asked, getting ready to leave with the other guys.

“Vic, don’t be ridiculous. Have fun,” I said, faking a yawn. “I’m going to hang with Parker, anyway,” I said, and we walked out of the hotel room together.

“Alright, I’ll see you later, then,” he said, and I prepared myself for a kiss on the cheek, which I gladly received. Neither of us mentioned what had happened earlier, why I was so tense, why I was so distracted…

“I love you,” he mumbled into my face before turning away.

“I love you, too,” I reciprocated, planting a real kiss on his lips. There. That was right. I didn’t linger, though…

We parted ways, and I knocked onto Parker’s door.

“Hey, girl,” she welcomed me.

“Parker, are you sure you don’t want to go with the guys?” I asked.

“Hell no, I’d be the only girl! Besides, you need the company,” she said.

I smiled appreciatively, setting my purse down on a couch in the lounge.

I didn’t want to talk about what had happened to me, so I quickly started conversation. “So, you and Tony?”

She blushed. “I don’t know,” she whined in a high-pitched voice.

“Parker!” I pressed.

“Yeah, well, not officially, but, uh, yeah, if you know what I mean,” she said flustered. I giggled.

“That’s all I wanted to hear,” I winked.

“So, what do you wanna do?” she asked, kicking her legs up onto the coffee table.

I frowned. “I don’t know, something distracting,” I said. I’d love to get drunk, but then I’d feel vulnerable.

“We can just watch some movies,” she suggested.

“Sure,” I said. A chill night watching movies, I liked the sound of that.

“Tony brought some Star Wars, is that good?” she asked, and I noticed her face blush when she said his name.

“Perfect,” I said.

~~

We were about an hour and a half into the second movie when Parker was finally asleep. I waved my hand in front of her face—yes, she was out. I felt guilty, but I needed this. I couldn’t keep it inside any longer.
I walked to the bathroom, scooping up my bag on the way. I locked the door, and I sat against the wall. My hands were shaking as I searched around for that one familiar item that I longed to see.

It was cold, eye-catching, and it danced on my fingertips. I’d only press the blade in a little bit, only a few times… Vic wouldn’t even notice.

I applied minimal pressure, and sighed when I saw the ever so familiar bead of blood form. As soon as I broke my skin, I felt like a million pounds of weight were escaping through my veins.

Except then I realized I was being terrible and selfish, and I hated myself for that. I slid it across deeper, the blade egging me on softly. “A little bit more,” it pressed. “A little bit more, and you’ll feel better.”

Except each time I dragged it across my forearm, I felt more and more guilty, which made me hate myself even more, which only made me continue cutting. I was trapped in a vicious cycle, a curse I couldn’t escape.

“Claire?” I heard Parker’s voice call out to me.

I didn't answer, biting my lip. “Claire, where the fuck are you?” she repeated.

“I’m in the bathroom,” I tried to say as confidentially as possible, but I hadn’t even realized that I was crying and my voice was shaking.

“Claire! Open this God damn door right now,” she raised her voice; I knew she knew what I was doing.
I didn’t answer, dragging the blade across one more time. It felt so good, like I had no problems in the world. Nothing even mattered, anyway.

“Think about Vic!” she began to yell.

“I’m not killing myself, Parker,” I was able to mutter. “I’m taking away the pain…” I said softly to myself.

Before I could cut again, I heard her fiddling with the door handle with either a paper clip or a hanger. I heard the door give in, and it swung open. I sighed.

“Stop right there,” she warned. I dropped the blade on the floor and started to cry harder.

“He’s everywhere, Parker, everywhere,” I cried.

“It’s okay, honey,” she said, getting out a first aid kit. “It’s not too bad,” she murmured to herself, I assumed talking about the depth of my cuts.

“It’s too hard,” I mumbled.

“Parker?” I looked up. It was Tony.

“Where are—” he stopped talking when he peeked his head in the bathroom.

His face sunk so sadly. “Claire…” he whispered softly.

“I’m sorry,” I said. Why was I always sorry?

“Here, I got it from here, Park,” he said, gently moving her aside. I hadn’t noticed that she was crying, too, her hands shaking. Tony finished up bandaging my bleeding arm.

“Please, don’t tell, Vic,” I begged.

“Will you at least tell me what is going on with you? First you show up demanding Parker at five in the morning, you weren’t very touchy feely with Vic today, which was out of character for you guys, you turned to stone when Mike picked you up…” Tony shook his head. Maybe it was best that I told him.

“I was raped,” I said, utterly surprised by the fierceness in my voice.

Tony blinked. “What?”

I shook my head. “I’m scared, Tone, and I’m haunted by him, and I don’t know what to do. I don’t want to ruin the tour, but I don’t want to hurt Vic’s feelings, either, and I—”

“You were raped?” he repeated. I nodded, crying hysterically. “Why didn’t you tell us?” he asked. It was evident that he was trying to be gentle, but I also saw signs of anger.

I showed him the bruise on my collarbone, the rope marks on my hands and feet. His eyes went wide into shock. “What…”

“It was the tour photographer! John! At the after party in Orlando, I was dragged away… and then… and then when I woke up… and…” I couldn’t explain what happened, I started shaking violently, I couldn’t control my breathing.

“I—need—Vic,” I gasped. I needed him. I needed him so much it was unbearable. “But—do—not—panic—him,” I said, clutching my chest. “Do—not—scare—him,” I said again. “I—don’t—want—to—worry—him,” I said finally, surprised that I could speak.

Tony jumped up to go get Vic. He was back within a minute. “Panic,” Tony flustered.

Vic immediately crawled down to my level, wrapping his arms around me. “Shh, it’s okay, I’m here,” he said, smoothing out my hair as I cried into his chest. “Just relax, everything’s okay,” he continued to speak softly.

I finally was able to calm down after a few minutes of him holding me. He then took my bandaged arm, examining it closely. “Baby…” he said softly. I could see the hurt in his eyes. I did this to him, I made him sad. “Why?” was all he asked.

I didn’t want to answer, but I had already told Tony, so the cat was out of the bag…

“Vic,” I whined into his chest. “H-he h-hurt me,” I mumbled into his shirt. This time, it was him who went rigid. “I was doing so good, and then… and then this… and now I’m destroyed, I’m ruined, I’m not okay anymore,” I cried.

“Hurt you,” he repeated under his breath.

“Parker,” I cried for her to fill Vic in on what happened. I didn’t want to say it. I didn’t want to speak again.

As soon as Vic knew the entire story, I felt his hands loosen around me. I could tell that he didn’t know whether to hold me tighter, protectively, or to give me space because I was so damaged and tortured. Bless his heart. I pulled him arms back, because I needed him closer. I was sure of it.

He gently pulled my hair to the side, touching my collarbone lightly. “You didn’t really run into a wall, did you?” he asked with a broken voice. I shook my head.

“I’m sorry, I’m so sorry I kept this from you,” I said. “I didn’t know what to do… he threatened me… he’s everywhere, Vic, he’s everywhere…” I started to speak incoherently. Vic’s mouth went into a tight line.

“We are going to report this,” he said. “He will be kicked off the tour, his future as a photographer will be ruined, he will go to jail for this,” he continued. “That, or death, whichever comes first,” he added with a growl. I could hear the intensity of his voice, the determination, the anger, the protectiveness…

“That son of a bitch must not have been thinking straight, because I know where his fucking room is,” Vic growled again, kissing the top of my head and then standing up, heading towards the door. Nobody went after him, nobody moved. The same anger was behind Tony’s eyes, and he soon followed. I wouldn’t be surprised if they rounded up every single band member before bombarding John.

And I wasn’t about to stop them.

Notes

shit is about to hit the fan! (whatever that means, anyway...)

everytime someone comments nice things i get so inspired to keep writing, so i thank you all so much for keeping me going :)