God, I've never felt so ruined. Of course when things were good and otherwise happy, something bad had to happen. I just had to get myself into trouble, didn't I? I felt dirty, and I felt worthless.

Vic was still asleep peacefully, and I showered four times while he was unconscious.

The blade that was hidden at the bottom of my bag was calling out to me. Taunting me. Torturing me.

"Come on," it said. "Just one slice, you'll feel better, I promise," it whispered to me as I sat hopelessly in the shower. Its voice was a memory, a terrible, soft spoken, nightmare, a ghost in the wind.

"No," I muttered to it.

"No, really, you'll feel better. Release all of your worries by releasing all of your blood," it laughed an evil laugh.

I pushed the tiny yet prominent voice away from my head. Not again. I promised Vic I wouldn't. I didn't need it.

I was going insane. I was arguing with an inanimate object, tucked away in the dark depths of my bag, the dark depths of my soul.


I sighed and turned the water off, examining my self. The bruises on my collar bone were bad, but easily covered with a shirt and concealer. I put makeup all over my bruises and scratches. I put on Vic's ANIMAL shirt, a soft, comforting cotton that smelt like him, and gym shorts.

I slipped on several bracelets that sufficiently covered the terrible rope burned marks on my wrist.

My eyes were heavy. I put makeup on my face, making sure I looked normal.

It looked like nothing was wrong. I plastered a fake smile on my face.

There was a light knock on the door.

"Hey," I slipped into the hallway with Parker.

"Here you go," she said, handing me a single pill and a bottle of water. I took it quickly.

"Thank you," I said.

I didn't want to or intend to, but I recoiled when she went to hug me.

“I'm sorry, sweetheart," she said sympathetically.

"No I'm sorry," I shook my head.

"I'm worried," she frowned.

I shrugged my shoulders. "Can't change the past," I muttered.

"But you can deal with it," she said softly. "It's not healthy."

I shrugged my shoulders again.

"Thanks for your help, Parker," I said quietly, and then I turned back into the hotel room.



Vic was finally stirring. I felt bad when his arms reached out to hold something, someone,me, but I wasn't there.

I was afraid. Not of Vic, but of how I would act around him. Would I push him away, like I pushed Parker away? And he wouldn't even know why... I couldn't decide what was more selfish: telling him and ruining the tour of a lifetime, or not telling him and unintentionally hurting his feelings.


I could feel my chest start to tighten, my breathing accelerating. I needed Vic's arms around me, but I didn't want to be touched by anyone; it was a constant battle in my head. I couldn't wrap my head around... Anything... And everything was blurry and terrifying and I couldn't breath.



"Bear?" It took all my energy to not recoil from Vic's hand that was on my arm. I didn't want to scare him, but I also didn't want to be touched—I was dirty, tainted, traumatized.

But I was surprised at my own self-control. If there was one thing I did care about, it was preserving Vic, making sure he was happy, making sure I didn’t hurt him. And this was Vic,not John. This was Vic who cared about me, he wouldn't hurt me.

"Nightmare," I lied, breathless.

"Do you want to talk about it?"

I shook my head. "No thank you," I mumbled, nuzzling my head into his protective chest. Knowing it was Vic who’s arms were around me made me feel better. But what if I accidentally flinched from Jaime or Tony or Mike? What would they think?

“How long have you been awake?” he asked softly, touching my damp hair.

“A pretty long time,” I said quietly. A very, very long time.

“I’m sorry,” he murmured, squeezing me. Normally I felt safe when he wrapped his arms around me, squeezing me gently every so often, but, now, I couldn’t help but go rigid. No,this is Vic, don’t do this, I silently pleaded to my body. But Vic had already relaxed his arms, noticing the tenseness in my muscles.
“Is everything okay?” he asked, worry in his voice.

I nodded. I forced my self to relax, to not think about last night, to make it seem like everything was okay. “Everything’s great.” My smile was a lie, my words were a lie.

He smiled back, kissing my temple. God damn it! I flinched, again.

“Claire, what the fuck?” he asked, staring at me incredulously. He didn’t look angry, which relieved me, but he did, however, look extremely confused and worried.

I mentally kicked myself. Vic was always worried for me. “I’m sorry,” I said in a small voice. I didn’t know what else to say. I didn’t even know what to think. I shook my head. Before I could say anything else, though, someone knocked on the door. I was glad, because I didn’t know what to say.

I remained sitting against the wall, tucking my legs into my chest, as Vic answered the door.

“Hey, man, what’s up?” I heard Vic say. I saw Tony poke his head around Vic, looking at me funny. I knew he suspected something when I came barging into his room early this morning, so I looked away, my face burning.

“The other guys want to go to the beach today, you in?” Tony asked.

“Yeah, sure,” he said. “Hey, bear, want to go to the beach today?” Vic turned around to ask me.

I thought for a second, biting my lip. I was neither physically nor mentally prepared to be in a bathing suit. My scars visible, my body vulnerable… John would probably be there, and I didn't think I could handle it. And my bruises? The cover up would wash off as soon as I got in the water. But then again, I owed it to Vic to not be a downer. “Sure!” I said in my happiest voice possible.

~~

“You’re sexy,” Vic bit his lip, looking at me up and down while I lay out in the sun.

“Yeah, yeah, you’re only just saying that,” I rolled my eyes.

“Hey,” he belly flopped in the sand next to me. “Come in the water with me?”

I laughed. “I think I like where I am now,” I stuck my tongue out at him. “Besides the water’s cold,” I added.

“I’ll keep you warm,” he said, making a sad puppy face. How could I resist a face like that? I covered it with my hands.

He picked up some sand and drizzled some on my legs. “Vic!” I hit him.

“Aw, you have sand on your legs, darling, you should wash it off,” he smirked.

“Damn you,” I said. He scooped me up and ran over to the water with me in his arms. I didn’t cringe away at his touch, because I knew it was Vic. I knew I was safe with him.

All of us were having fun in the ocean—it was practically full with the entire tour—and we dove under waves and splashed a soccer ball around in the shallow part. I was forgetting my problems, until Vic brushed my long hair to the side. “Babe, what’s this?” he asked, referring to the bruise on my collarbone.

I could feel John’s glare on the back of my head. I felt like I was going to be sick. “Oh, nothing!” I said lightheartedly. “I think I ran into a wall or something last night,” I fake laughed. He kissed my collarbone.

“You should be a little more careful when you’re drunk, bear,” he laughed. He had no idea...

I spotted John in the distance, snapping photos here and there. My stomach churned at the thought of him taking pictures of me with Vic.

“Yeah, right,” I fake laughed, again, my smile present, but my mind distant.

Notes

Voila, Chapter 20!

Wow, I can't thank you guys enough for the tremendous amount of reads/comments/subscriptions etc
You guys rock.

Nothing much happens in this chapter, it's more of a filler, but enjoy, regardless :)