No Idea

I woke up in a rush. I sat up and looking at my surroundings, seeing Stella asleep next to me. Her chest slowly moving up and down as she breathed. It showed me that she was still here.
I am so afraid that she isn’t going to be here tomorrow. That she will be gone and I will never know what being married to her would be like. I was scared that I was going to lose her forever.

Fear was lingering in my mind the entire night, which didn’t let me sleep. I sat in the chair in the corner and watched Stella breath and sleep peacefully.

The churps of birds filled the room as the sun began to rise. I sat next to the window and watched the sun rise from the ocean side. The sky becoming a glow of yellow and orange with just a hint of pink. The sun rays peeking through the windows of the room.

‘Jaime?’ I heard behind me. I turned to see Stella sitting up in bed, her hair falling over her face.
The sun covered the bed in a bright glow and for a second, everything was okay.

‘Hi’ I said softly as I looked in her direction.

We just sat there, looking at each other for a while. I took in her beauty, the way her eyes crinkled from the sun, the way her lips sat as she smiled at me. Her blonde hair was shining. She was perfect to me.

‘What do you want for breakfast?’ I asked.

‘Pancakes.’ She simply said. I nodded my head and got off the chair.

I walked to her and gave her a kiss on her cheek. I should feel the muscles in her face move, as she formed a smile. I lent back and placed my hand on her cheek.

‘I love you.’

‘I love you!’

I walked away and left our room and made my way down stairs. I walked into the kitchen and grabbed out flour, sugar and other things to put in the pancakes before I opened the fridge and grabbed the milk out.

Placing all the ingredients into a bowl, I mixed them together before turning the stove top, heating up a frypan. I cooked the mixture until the pancakes were a golden brown. I placed them on a plate and started to make my way back to Stella.

I got to the door and stopped in my tracks. Everything in my sight slowed down. I dropped the pancakes and ran towards Stella. The plate shattered into a billion pieces as I scoped Stella up into my arms.

‘No, no, no. Stella, baby.’ I said as I held her. She was lying on the floor, unresponsive, a slight pulse and she was slowly breathing.

I picked her up off the floor and carried her to the bed and laid her down softly. I grabbed my phone and called an ambulance.

‘Hi, how can…’

‘Hi, yes, hello. Can you please get an ambulance right away? She isn’t responsive. Please. I need help.’ I frantically said.

‘They will be there very soon. Please stay calm.’ They replied.

‘Thanks.’

I picked her up off the floor and placed her in my arms, I ever so slowly walked her down the stairs and laid her down on the couch. I sat on the floor next to her and held her hand so tightly.

I heard the door opening quietly and when I turned my head, Sarah was walking in, smiling to Vic as he carried Ruby who was asleep.

When they saw me, the emotion in their faces changed, Sarah walked over to me and sat down next to me, she held Stella’s other hand and her other hand rested on my back. Vic sat next to Sarah, with Ruby still in his arms, holding on to her tightly.

It was silence until the paramedics arrived, where I explained the situation before hoping into another space of quietness. The ambulance drive was fast, with paramedics doing everything in their will to keep Stella alive but it was all such a blurry around me. My focus being on Sarah.

We reached the hospital and Stella was taken to emergency right away. I followed Stella to a room where a doctor was waiting. He smiled to me before started looking over Stella. He sighed and bowed his head and looked over to me.

I held my breath as the doctor spoke, my life crumbling beneath me quickly.

‘We can keep her alive but if we put her into a coma, she may never wake up again.’

‘I just want to talk to her one more time.’ I said as I stared at Stella from the end of the bed.

‘We will move her and keep her hydrated and put her on an IV and we’ll see what happens, but I can’t promise anything. This is life or death.’ He replied.

‘Do what you have to do.’

The doctor nodded his head before leaving the room to organise things as I stood and stared blankly at Stella, who was breathing so softly, so lightly.

Moments later, Stella was moved from the emergency room to a private empty room in the hospital. While this was happening, Sarah, Vic and Ruby had arrived and met me in the food court where they were feeding Ruby.

‘Stella is going to be put on an IV and is in a private room, but this may be the last time.’ I said as I looked towards Ruby who was eating some hot chips.

Sarah held back tears as she nodded her head in acceptance.

‘We should get going up there.’ Vic said as he stood. He pushed his chair in and waiting for us all to join him.

‘Dad, I had such a fun time with Aunty Sarah and Uncle Vic last night. We watched movie, had popcorn and jumped on the beds.’ Ruby said as I held her in my arms.

‘What movie did you watch?’ I asked, keeping her distracted.

‘We watched umm… ummm….’ She struggled.

‘Frozen.’ Vic said.

‘Let it go, let it go.’ Sarah sung.

‘That!!’ Ruby said with excitement.

We walked into the room Stella was in and there was a nurse doing her rounds. She looked up to us and smiled.

‘She is a fighter.’ She said.

‘We know.’ Sarah said, tears streaming down her face.

‘I’ll be back soon.’

The nurse closed the door behind her as we all took a seat on the chairs around the room.

‘It really is it, isn’t it? she’ll be gone soon.’ Sarah said.

‘I think so Sarah. I think it’s time to start letting everyone know and… say our goodbyes.’ I said.

‘I’ll ring mum and her dad.’ Sarah said as she stood up and left the room. She was being really strong right now.

‘I’ll let Tony, Kellin and all know.’ Vic said as he left the room.

I was left with Ruby. She sat on my lap, talking to her imaginary friend.

‘Hey Ruby, I need to talk to you.’ I said. She looked up and smiled to me.

‘So, do you know where we are?’ I questioned.

‘The hospital.’ She replied, looking to her mum.

‘Right, well, remember how mummy is sick?’ I asked.

‘Yes.’ She said, nodding her head.

‘Well, mummy is going to be going to Heaven shortly and we must say goodbye to her.’ I said, choking on my words.

‘Will she be coming back?’ She asked.

‘No sweetie.’ I replied.

‘Can we go see her?’ She asked.

‘Not now, but soon enough, you will see her again.’

‘I will miss her very much.’ She said looking to Stella.

‘Mummy will miss you too.’ Stella said weakly. I grabbed Ruby quickly and placed her on the bed.

‘Stella.’ I said as I looked at her.

‘Hi baby.’ She spoke. I just leaned in and kissed her softly. I couldn’t speak.

‘Mummy, daddy tells me you are going to heaven.’ Ruby said as she crawled up to Stella.

‘Yeah baby. I will be.’ She said. She really can’t talk much, breathing was a hard thing, even with an oxygen machine on.

At that moment, Sarah and Vic walked in and walked quickly to the bedside. Sarah grabbed Stella’s hand and just smiled down to her.

‘I love you so much Stella.’ Sarah said, tears on her face.

‘I love you all.’ Stella said. She looked at Sarah and tears began streaming down her face.

‘We surely will miss you Stella.’ Vic said, crying also. It was just tears everywhere, except me, I couldn’t cry.

Stella laid there as more people walked into the room, Tony and Brendon being the first here. Tony was a wreck, he just cried away from the bed after his talk to Stella. Her dad and Hannah arrived shortly after and then Kellin arrived.

‘Jaime...’ Stella said. I walked over to her and leant down as she smiled to me.

‘Will you please play me a song. I want to listen to a song and for you all to sing. I want that to be the last thing I hear.’ Stella requested.

‘What song do you wish to listen to?’ I asked.

‘Hold on Till May.’ She said.

I reached into my pocket and smiled as I flicked through my phone, pressing play as I looked to Stella, who closed her eyes and listened.

Once Vic on the recording started playing, we all starting singing, my eyes were on Stella’s mouth as she mouthed her lips to the song. It was such a wonderful experience, everyone singing together.

I looked around at everyone and saw that they were holding hands with each other.

The lyrics ‘darling you’ll be okay’ were the last line Stella sung as the heart monitor started to beep faster. It finally flatlined as we continued to sing, finishing the song off in honour for Stella.

That was when I broke down. We all moved out the way from the bed and stood at the back of the room when the nurses and doctor arrived so they could confirm time of death and everything.

I sat on the floor in the arms of Sarah who was crying with me. We just cried and cried, the t-shirts we wore becoming wet. What broke my heart even more was hearing Ruby call out for her Mum.

Stella passed away at 10:23am on 19th May 2016.

Notes

This was one of the hardest things to write. After two years of this story, I have finally nearly finished this.
I have at least one more chapter to go.