No Idea

Christmas and my birthday have just gone by and I am now an eighteen-year-old about 6 or something months through with my pregnancy.

I started getting very bad morning sickness and I was getting real sick with it all. Hannah and Dad did the best they could do, but sometimes it was way too much and I was in hospital overnight sometimes.

Once that eased off, I starting getting really bad cravings. Jaime, Vic, Tony, Kellin and Brendon became the best people in the world. I wanted cheese with tomato sauce one day and I remember that it had to be this specific sauce. The time Jaime spent driving around to find, showed how much he actually loved me.

But the bad thing about this, was now that I was back home, I was made to go back to school. Even in my condition. I mean, I am nearly ready to have a baby, but the government are making me go. I was very nervous about the whole thing. I am going to get so much shit from everyone.

It was the day of my first day back at school. Jaime offered to take me to school and drive me home after. He was going to be my body guard as he would say. The others also said the same thing, but I don’t think it’s going to help me in other situations.

I woke up early, because even though, the morning sickness wore off, I still sometimes happened to get it and today happened to be it. I showered after throwing up and then I placed a towel around my body, the bump showing. I walked to my room and put on my stretchy pants and I smiled when I put on my bra. The only thing I could see was my baby bump.

I have had many ultrasounds but I have decided to wait until I give birth, to find out if I am having a little boy or girl. I have though, decided that Sarah and Vic are going to be god parents... I wanted to say Jaime but I was hoping that maybe when I get over this, have the baby, he may want to date me again. That’s big thinking though.

I jumped when I felt a hand, seeing Jaime standing behind me with a slight smile on his face. He kind of put his arm around me and his hand rested on my stomach.

‘I’m going to help you with whatever you need Stella. I’m never going to leave you.’ Jaime said. That was when I knew that he was going to stick around no matter what.

‘Well, I better put a top on, and then a massive baggy jumper.’ I said. I moved out from Jaime and walked over to my draws, pulling out a shirt and a baggy Tonight Alive jumper. I put them on before grabbing my bag and smiling to Jaime.

‘Can still see your bump.’ Jaime said before he walked out the room. I quickly turned and looked in the mirror.

‘I was joking Stel!’ Jaime yelled as he was walking down the stairs. I walked out my room, following him down. I reached the bottom step and smiled to see Dad and Hannah in the living room, staring at me.

‘Have a good day at school, darling. I will come pick you up if you have any trouble.’ Dad said, kissing my forehead when I reached them. I gave both Hannah and Dad a hug before leaving with Jaime by my side.

Walking into school made everything in my body freeze. I looked around at how many people were staring at me as they walked past, bickering between themselves. I felt Jaime put his arm around my shoulders, making me smile and look up to him.

‘You will be okay Stel. I promise.’ He said as he started walking, making me walking too.
I walked to my locker and opened it. I put my bag in there and grabbed out my books. As I closed my locker, Tony’s face popped up on the other side of it. I smiled and went to hug him. He opened his arms and wrapped them around me as we embraced for a while.

‘Thank you Tony.’ I mumbled into his shoulder. He kissed my temple before pulling away, his hands resting on my shoulders.

‘You will be fine, okay. I promise.’ He said. Everyone kept promising me this but I feel as if I wasn’t going to be okay.

I walked to my classes, which I had with Kellin this morning, so I was meeting him there. I was walking along the hall when I was stopped by the three girls who were once dating, or are still dating Jack, Zack and Alan.

‘Well, look who is back.’ One said.

‘Look, I don’t want to deal with any of your shit. Okay.’ I said as I went to walk past them. Katelyn, the tall, blonde one, pushed me back by the shoulders.

‘Look, let’s get one thing straight, we run the school now. And you are at the top of our list of who we hate.’ Stacey said, flipping her brown hair behind her shoulder. She was the ring leader, Katelyn and Kayla her little followers.

‘I don’t care. Is that meant to make me scared?’ I questioned, hearing the bell ring.

‘You will regret messing with us.’ Kayla said before the three of them walked around me. I walked off to my class in a rush, eager to be around one of my friends. I wasn’t scared for myself. I was scared for my baby.

I walked in late to class and Kellin looked at me with a worried look. I took a seat next to him and sighed.

‘Stacey, Katelyn and Kayla stopped me in the hall on my way. They told me I will regret messing with them when I did. I am worried for my little one.’ I said as I frowned.

‘Stella, we won’t let them hurt you in anyway.’ Kellin said, taking my hand and rubbing his thumb over my hand.

‘I know, and you can’t tell anyone about this though Kellin. I am trusting you to not tell Tony and to not tell Jaime. If you tell Vic, he will mention it to Sarah. I can’t have that. So please, keep it between us?’ I asked, keeping his hand in mine.

‘Of course I can, Stel.’ He replied and smiled to me before he look to the bored, hand still in mine.

For the rest of the day, the bullying from Stacey, Katelyn and Kayla was becoming very stressful and worrying. I was receiving looks, names, insults and even once, I got a threat. If I told anyone about this, they would tell the entire school that I was pregnant and that they could do more to me than just hurting my feelings.

I’m not worried about the entire school finding out I am pregnant because, they will soon fucking realise that I was, because, I mean, it will be hard to miss. The doctor said I will have a big bump. But them hurting me could hurt my baby and I am not okay with that.

The entire week was them hassling me, making me feel weak, sad and I felt so tired. This was bringing back such an emotion in which I haven’t felt since my Mum and Dad divorced.

When they got divorced, I was 15, I was going through major changes and Mum left, leaving me feeling empty, lonely. I kept myself away from Dad and I fell into a pretty terrible depression. I was numb, I had no feelings, emotions. I was friends with Sarah, but I kept myself away from her too.

It became that bad, that I needed to feel something, I had read somewhere that if you are feeling sad, depressed that people self-harm. There are different ways but I think the best way I found was cutting, but it became addictive very quickly. I went to therapy and fuck, it was a long process, but I got so much better in a year and I even stopped cutting, the only thing left to remind me of those days, are the scars on my thighs.

But when I got home the Friday night, I had a message from Stacey.

Stacey: I warned you about telling someone about what was happening. I will fucking end you. You are a slut and you got pregnant and no fucking doubt it is Jaime’s. or you cheated on him and I will make sure I let him know, if he tells me he, in fact, did not fuck your ugly ass. Do you know what will make this whole situation better? If you just left the situation all together. You could fucking disappear or die and no one would care. I see how your so called friends talk to you, look at you. They don’t want to be your friend. They hate you, despise of you. You cause so much trouble. They hate you Stella. Everyone does. Do yourself a favour, and leave everyone alone.

I cried as I read it over and over again. I pulled my phone out from my desk and dialled Jaime’s number. It rang out, I called again and again but no answer. I tried Kellin, Tony, Brendon, Vic. No one answered.

Maybe they don’t care. Maybe I am a terrible person, bringing them into my fucked up life.
I wrote a text to them all, excluding Vic, because I can’t have him tell Sarah. She will worry too much.

I am sorry for bringing you into my life. I know you all didn’t want this or need this but I will respect you all now, you aren’t to worry about me, you aren’t to worry about the baby. I will handle anything that may arise. You never asked for this and I dumped it all on you. I am so so so sorry for the way I did. I will leave you all alone now. Please, just keep the distance. I don’t want a reply to this. I am sorry.

I sent the message and turned my phone off. I threw it onto my bed before deciding that I needed a shower. I walked into the bathroom and turned on the shower. As it warmed up, I stripped down, looking over the old scars.

I got a new razor from the packaging and banged it on the counter top until it broke open, allowing me to at least feel some of the blade move along my finger. I looked to see blood leaving the wound.

I stepped into the shower when it was perfect and I looked down at my thigh, holding onto the razor hard as it hovered over my thigh.

I got a grasp of my thoughts and yelled in frustration and threw the razor away, it landing in the bathroom somewhere. I slide down the wall and sat under the water, letting the tears flow.
It was about an hour after I had gotten in the shower, that I had decided that I needed to get out. I got out and wrapped the towel around my body, before walking out and back into my room.
Once I opened my door, I saw Jaime sitting on my bed. I frowned to see him there, he looked over to me and go up quickly. He hugged me and I snaked my arms around his waist.

‘Why did you send that text? I am so sorry that I didn’t answer. I was at the movies with the guys. We would have invited you but you seemed very tired.’ He said, still hugging me. I pulled back and sighed.

‘Things haven’t been doing too good. I umm… look.’ I said as I pointed to the screen of my laptop.

Jaime looked to the laptop before walking over and read over it before looking back at me. His expression was so sad. It looked like he wanted to cry.

‘You can’t believe what they are saying to be true, Stel. We love you, I love you and she is just so jealous.’ He said as he come over resting his hands on my shoulders.

‘I know. I did but now, I know that you all love me and that I shouldn’t let them get me down. I am so much better than them.’ I replied.

‘Good, now. I need to use the bathroom, so I’ll do that and you can get dressed.’ Jaime announced, making me laugh. I nodded my head and Jaime left.

I got my underwear on and a baggy top before Jaime come running into the room. He pulled my arms and turned them over, looking over my wrists. He looked down at my legs and let out a big sigh.

‘I’m glad you didn’t.’ He said as he let go of my arms. I smiled to him and looked at the time and saw that it was about 8:30pm.

‘Did you wanna stay tonight. We can watch a couple movies?’ I asked as I looked to Jaime.

‘I would love to Stel.’ Jaime said as he walked over to my tv, putting in The Perks of Being a Wallflower before he walked back to the bed, where I was now sat in. I tapped the side I wasn’t on and Jaime sat down.

He placed his arm around my shoulder and I leaned into him. I felt my eye grow heavy fast and it was the way I feel asleep that night.

Notes