“Ok, Noortje. Just hear me out, and don’t hate me. But I think we should take the next step.”
I looked at him with a confused expression and had no clue what he meant.
“What do you mean, ‘the next step’?”
“I mean, we are no longer 22 and 28 anymore. I’m already 34! I just think it’s time that we move on and get places of our own. And it’s not that I don’t like living with you or anything… I just…”
“You just what?” I asked in a curious tone.
“I just, I found a place I can buy and it’s 15 minutes away from here. I can imagine living there for the rest of my life. I can imagine raising kids there, I can imagine living there as a 90 year old reminiscing old memories with my wife.”
“I understand, I agree that thats the right thing to do. Who know’s when you’ll get the opportunity again? I say go for it! When will you be leaving?”
“In about a month.”
“I’m so happy for you Vic, I honestly am. I’ll figure out if i’ll be staying here or if I’ll find a new nice place.”
“Are you sure you’re ok with this? I know how you sometimes dismiss things like they don’t affect you, but they actually do.”
I smiled at him and gave him a long hug, “I promise I’m ok with it. Now, if you don’t mind I am going out to the store cause I ran out of shampoo. And no, I’m not getting you anything!”

This was not the time to tell him. I walked out to my car that stood in the drive way for the last couple of weeks and sat down. I drove away happily to the store before it hit me. And boy did it hit me hard. Will I be able to live alone? Will I have another episode? Maybe I’ll lose my mind again and actually be successful in ending my life this time. All these thoughts ran through my mind. My vision started to cloud over and my breathing became rapid. What was happening to me?
I noticed I was close to Jaime’s house and I quickly drove to him. It wasn’t safe for me to drive. I was going to cause an accident? But would that be so bad? No, no it wouldn’t. I started sobbing like crazy and rang his doorbell.
“Noortje? Are you ok? What happened?” He rushed while leading me to the couch, “I need you to calm down for me so I can help you.”
This just made my breathing even more rapid and I felt like I was suffocating again.
“I don’t know what to do! Help me here Noor! Should I call Vic to come pick you up?”
I shook my head as fast as I could. I couldn’t break my promise to Vic. I couldn’t end his dream.
Jaime sighed, “Ok, Ill be right back.”
He walked away and left me shaking like a wet dog on the couch. I was cold, but at the same time I was warm. I was trying to slow down my breathing but it just made it faster. This was it, I was going to die.
Jaime came back in and sat down next to me, trying to calm me down by stroking my hair. But nothing helped. That’s when I heard the front door swing open and hurried footsteps sound through the hall.
“Where is she!” a voice boomed.
“We’re in the living room. I don’t know what to do Tony! Help me!” Jaime replied.
Tony ran through the living room with a coat and heavy shoes on. He crouched at the end of the sofa right next to me.
“Ok, I need you to breath for me. Can you do that for me darling?” He questioned as Jaime left the room and closed the door behind him.
I shook my head, I couldn’t do it. To encourage me, Tony took hold of my hands placing one at his lips and the other over his heart.
“Just follow my lead. You’’l be fine” He took deep breaths and placed kisses on my hand.
Slowly but surely by breath started to slow down and I didn’t feel like I was dying anymore. Tony let go of the hand that rested on his hand, but kept the other by his lips. Somehow he managed to take off his jacket without letting go of my hand and he sat down next to me. He pulled me to his side so I was practically on his lap.
“Do you want to tell me what’s wrong sweetheart?”
I slowly nodded my head that was placed securely in the crook of his neck. So, I told him. I told him everything. I told him what the ‘fantastic’ artwork on my wall was, I told him what the long white line along my arm really was. I even recited my whole list to him. I cried a lot and Tony comforted me a lot by kissing the top of my head occasionally. He was a good listener. He didn’t tell me what I did wrong, he didn’t judge me, but most important of all he just listened. It was a never ending process.
That’s when I came to the interesting part.
“So, I accepted the beer. I just didn’t care anymore—“
Jaime came walking in with two cups of hot tea and placed them and the coffee table. He looked up and made eye contact with me. He gave me a sad smile and walked back out. I continued the story and Tony continued to be all ears. When I got to the part of having sex with Vic I felt Tony stiffen up a bit, but he kept listening and sill did not judge. This is what I loved Tony for. He didn’t jump to conclusions. He didn’t just hear me, but he also listened to me.

We stayed seated there in silence, enjoying each other’s company, until Tony broke the silence.
“You’re coming home with me. You’re in no state to drive right now.”
I was ready to deny the offer and just have him drop me off at my house, but the idea of staying with Tony sounded nice right now. He knew one of my deepest secrets, and he was the only one that knew. This is why I looked him in the eyes and just nodded my head, not trusting my voice enough after all the crying and story telling.
He stood up and took hold of my hand and lead me out of the living room.
“Jaime! We’re leaving!”
Jaime appeared out of nowhere and said, “Ok. Please call me if you need anything.” He then looked at me, “Even if it’s something as simple as chocolate.”
This got a little giggle out of me, which caused both of the guys to smile down at me. Tony and I proceeded to his car when I turned around and waved good bye to Jaime. Jaime replied by giving me a knowing smirk and pointing and Tony and mine hands intertwined. All I could do was shake my head at him and laugh softly.

Tony and I were driving to his place, our hands still intertwined. A thought suddenly popped up into my head.
“Shit! Vic’s probably worried!”
“Just text him telling him that you’re staying at my place.” Tony said matter of factly, “That way you won’t have to face him straight away.”
“But what do I tell him? I don’t want him to shut down his plans!”
“You told him you were going to the store, right? Just say you ran into me, came back to my place, because I had some suggestions of new places to stay, and that at the end you were to tired to drive.”
“Ok, ok that might work. Thanks Tone.” I gave him a kiss on his cheek and he blushed a bit. You would barely have noticed.

Once we were at Tony’s place I felt like I could collapse and slowly started drifting off while still standing.
“Ok! Off to bed with you we go!” Tony laughed.
I couldn’t be bothered to make a witty retort and just nodded my head for what felt like the millionth time the last hour. Tony slowly scooped me up and started carrying me towards his bedroom. He put me down of the bed and started undressing me. It wasn’t anything he hadn’t seen before. You get used to it after spending most of your time with the same 4 guys, and now I was going to be touring with them for the rest of my life. He grabbed one of his shirts and pulled it over my head. He tucked me in and kissed my forehead.
“Goodnight, darling.”
He turned to walk away but I grabbed his hand ask whispered, “Stay… please.”
He bent over and kissed my forehead again before stripping away his clothes and climbing in the other side of the bed.

I fell asleep cuddled up on his chest.

Notes

I hope this chapter makes sense.

-DSN