My Favorite Explosion

I walked into the hospital ready to pick Austin up from his week long stay in step down. They had ran multiple tests, constant EKG’s and were unable to determine what caused the SVT to happen. They diagnosed it as stress and told him to see his cardiologist on a more regular basis than he already was. Instead of once every three months it would now be once a month to keep a better eye on things.

I walked into Austin’s room to see him still sleeping to my surprise. I figured he’d be up and dressed ready to go with how badly he’s wanted to get out of here. I placed my purse and coffee down on the table and walked out to the nurses station to find his nurse.

“Hi, I’m Austin’s sister. Room 336, is there any discharge paperwork?” I asked speaking to the woman staring at a computer. She ignored me completely, continuing to stare at her computer. “Excuse me.” I said more assertively gaining her attention.

“Yes, can I help you?”

“Could you tell me who is the nurse for room 336?”

“It’s Christina. She’s right there” She said pointing to a blonde haired woman behind me.
I turned around meeting with Christina, “Hi! You must be Austin’s sister”

“Yes I’m Scarlett”

“You’re a paramedic right?”

“That is also correct.” I nodded

“He’s done nothing but talk about you and your dad. You guys seem like a really close family. It’s nice to see family look out for each other. I don’t see that very often here anymore”

“That’s unfortunate but I know what you mean. We’re typically able to get a grasp of the family in the short time we spend with them in the field. My brother’s my best friend and our dad’s our biggest fan. I couldn’t ask for a better support system” I smiled.

“You guys remind me how my brother and I were” She smiled.

“I’m sorry, were?” I questioned catching her verbal slip up.

“Oh. Yea, he passed away a few years ago when we lived in South Carolina. He was riding his motorcycle after getting into a huge fight with his girlfriend. He was going too fast, it was raining. He was in bad shape when the paramedics got there. The female paramedic told me he had a long fight ahead of him if he made it out”

“Well, that was a polite way of her telling you it was bad” I said as I recalled a similar call I had done when I was still on overnights. “I guess he didn’t make it?” I asked

She shook her head, “Unfortunately no. He coded ten hours after they brought him to the hospital. His body had just suffered way too much trauma that he wasn’t able to compensate. He was in ICU for a few days after that while he was on a ventilator. His body gave up, it didn’t want to fight anymore. I thought he was going to make it, pull through like he always does. He had been in and out of the hospital as a kid and into his teenage years. I guess it was just his time. I still don’t get it, I probably never will” She chuckled.

“I’m so sorry to hear that” I said remembering her face that night, drenched from the rain and makeup running down her face when she realized she was going to lose her brother. That accident plagued my nightmares for months, always wondering what else I could have, should have down for him to be able to save him. He was only 19. He still had so much life to live.

“I think I knew it was going to happen though, ya know? Being a nurse I knew what to expect. I just never expected it to happen to me. The paramedic, I wish I could remember her name so I could have reached out to her. She told me everything that happened, and ended our conversation with her telling me if it had been her brother she would want the same respect from a fellow health professional. That I would find out what happened anyway so there was no reason to lie to me. She told me she could sense the bond between us, that she heard my heart break the moment she walked over to me. She told me that before my brother lost consciousness he said to her—“

“Tell my big sister I love her” I finished for her with tears in my eyes as I looked at her as she realized what was going on. “Hi Christina, I’m Scarlett. The paramedic that tried to save your brother, five years later”

“Wow” She sighed leaning against the desk. “What a small world.”

“What are the chances the roles are reversed in another state across the country?” I chuckled. “I’ve heard you’ve been taking excellent care of my brother and I cannot express my gratitude for it. Thank you Christina. I really appreciate it”

“And thank you for doing all you could that night for my little brother. Amazing how things come full circle”

“tell me about it” I laughed walking towards Austin’s room. “Christina, you should see about moving down to the ER. You’d be phenomenal down there. They need some fresh faces in there”

“Thanks Scarlett” She smiled, “I’m sure Johnny would be happy to know what a great person you are”

“It’s good to know there’s still some good people in this world Christina. He’d be proud of you” I smiled and walked into Austin’s room to see him still sleeping.

I gently shook him to wake him up to which he jumped unsure of what was going on.
“Good morning sleepy head” I laughed

“It’s so early what do you want”

“It’s time for you to come home. Let’s go”

“Don’t need to tell me twice” He laughed sitting up.

“I brought you clean clothes too, they’re on the edge of the bed”

“I knew you were my favorite sister for a reason”

“Austin, I’m your only sister” I laughed “I’ll be waiting outside for you so hurry up, I’m hungry” I said grabbing my purse, coffee and walked out closing the door behind me. Austin was out in a matter of seconds, finally being able to walk around and out the doors. There’s nothing he hates more than hospitals, and it just gets worse every time he has to be in one unexpectedly.

“Get me the hell out of here” He laughed after opening the door. “Thank you guys so much!” he yelled as he walked down the hall. He threw his arm over my shoulder “Hopefully this will be the last unexpected trip for a while. Especially seeing as it came full circle too”
I thought it was strange, his choice of words but I brushed it off. “What makes you say that?” I asked.

“Well, you brought me here, in an ambulance pretty close to death. But now, you’re taking me home in a car to a bed I have missed dearly” he chuckled.

“Not before some lunch Aussie” I laughed.

“Mmm, real food” He smiled “So what’s on your mind baby sis?”

“What are you talking about?” I asked getting in the driver seat.

“You’re off in Scarlett land again”

“I was just reintroduced to the sister of a trauma I worked about five years ago. She was your nurse” I stated scrolling through the music on my phone to find something to ease me, settling for Good Charlotte causing Austin to chuckle.

“Talk about old school Scar”

“It’s been a while since I listened to them. I still love them” I laughed pulling out of the parking lot. “Sushi?” I asked knowing he never refused sushi.

“Yes please!” He yelled.

Austin and I continued singing along to the songs of our younger selves on the way to sushi where I told him about what had been going on the past week and that Vic and I were done fighting for now. He narrowed his eyes at me when I added ‘for now’ when he asked if we were done fighting yet. I know I can be a lot to handle sometimes but one would think with everything I had to deal with he would expect it by now. I haven’t had a nightmare in a few weeks but that’s because Vic’s been staying with me. I’m still not sure how this is going to go while he’s on tour and moving into my own apartment all at the same time.

I dropped Austin off at his house knowing he just wanted to sleep in his own bed after being stuck in the hospital for so long. I helped him inside making sure he didn’t need anything and then headed back to dad’s to pack some more stuff and bring over to my apartment.

I walked inside to find an empty house, dad out shooting with his friends. I left my bag
by the couch grabbing my phone to plug into my speakers listening to music as I packed my stuff up once again. I was off for the next three days, giving me more than enough time to pack everything and move in on my own once again. I started with my closet knowing that it held the clothes I wore the least knowing my uniforms were what I lived in mostly considering the overtime I’ve been picking up recently.

I sang along to Good Charlotte who continued to play through my speakers, keeping me calm after earlier today. I packed up all the clothes into two boxes with some room left to spare. Out of the corner of my eye I saw a box on the floor that I recalled having some old photos inside of it. I pulled it out, opening it to see what I would find. To my displeasure the first picture was one of Danny and I when we first started dating. I occasionally thought of him, wondering if he even noticed I had left. I never doubted the decision I made to return home, but sometimes I wonder if there was a different way I could have done it. I sorted through the box, finding all the pictures that had Danny in them and took them outside to the fire pit while my phone shuffled to Miranda Lambert’s Kerosene causing me to chuckle considering the nature of the song. I lit a cigarette as I looked at the few scattered pictures I had thrown into the bowl. There was at least fifty of them, I knew this would take a while, but I knew I needed to say good bye to the past that was keeping me from living with everything I have to give.

I walked inside as I texted Mike, telling him I needed some best friend time. He replied right away saying he’d be over momentarily with the proper supplies. I grabbed liter fluid, my cigarettes and a miller lite as I waited on his arrival, sitting down in a chair by the fire pit, looking through the pictures remembering when each of them was taken. I got to a picture of us from our friends wedding and all the feelings I felt that day I felt again. The excitement for my best friend getting to marry her long time fiancé, now that they had the money to finally get married but the more important feeling I remembered was that I knew I was not happy with where I was with my life then. I knew how happy she was, it was all she talked about. She made a joke a few weeks before the wedding, nudging Danny while we were all over one night asking when he was going to ask me. I remember shifting my stance uncomfortably knowing I couldn’t commit to a lifetime of this. I knew he saw my uneasiness about the situation, changing the subject quickly. I always used the excuse of my brother’s failed marriage as to why I wasn’t crazy about the idea, people always accepted it therefore it was easy enough for me to convince myself.

The back gate opened and in strolled Mike with a bottle of Jack Daniels and an eighteen pack of miller lite.

“Oh Mikey, you know me so well” I laughed as he walked over taking a seat in the chair next to me.

“Talk to me Scar. What’s with the arson supplies?” He asked opening the bottle of Jack.

“Finally burning some old memories” I sighed taking a drag of my cigarette and grabbing the bottle from him, taking a large swig straight from the bottle.

“Definitely sounds like something I am much more suited for than Vic” He nodded as I passed the bottle back to him.

“Is he home?” I asked realizing I hadn’t talked to him since this morning when I told him I was picking Austin up.

“Yea. I told him we were having some over due friend time. He didn’t argue, said to tell you he’s going to the studio”

I nodded at his response, chugging the last half of my beer.

“So what are all of these?” He asked handing me another one opening it for me.

I took the beer from him and let out a long sigh, “These are all the pictures I have either with Danny or of things that could potentially remind me of him. I’m happy now, I don’t need more than my memory to remind me of the hell I went through”

“I’ll drink to that” He laughed, “So what are we waiting for? Let’s light this bitch up. Already got fluid in there?” He asked nodding to the fire pit.

I nodded in response, looking once again at the photo from Kaitlyn’s wedding that I held in my hands, unable to recognize the person in the picture that stared back at me. I was at my lowest weight, nothing but skin and bones. The fakest smile was plastered on my face, something that only I could see. I held my zippo to the edge of the photo, taking in the Scarlett that stared back at me, hoping to burn that image into my mind to never let it happen again. I spun the wheel of the zippo, holding it against two of the edges on the picture watching as it began to burn. I watched as the old Scarlett went up in flames and turned to Mike, “To the future” I said throwing the picture in the fire pit as my history went up in flames.

Notes