Worlds Over, Time to Die. Nothing Left but our Souls Inside.

I never felt the need to write in this book. Not even after I lost my husband. Now here I am, writing in this notebook that has everyone's secrets. I couldn't help but look at Mike's last entry when I got this. Vic and Kellin tried to hide the attic, the site of his body, and any proof that my baby boy ended his life. The only proof is him missing and the few splatters of blood on his last entry.

That same day my first grandbaby was born. I had no emotions left in me. Losing my husband drained me. Now I've lost my baby too. I can't even cry to let it out. Mama Perry has been staying near me and trying to get me to talk about this, but how am I supposed to talk about it, when I can't even show the emotion I'm feeling?

Do I just look at her and say: I don't know how to let this emotion out. I drained myself of any emotion after my husband died. I can't cry over my own baby boy's death because of my emotions being drained. I want to cry, but I can't. I want to let all this emotion out, but I can't. All I can do is sit here feeling so utterly broken inside.

Is that what I'm supposed to say? A parent should never have to watch their child get burried. We had a very little funeral. Nick, Tony, Jaime, and a few of the other boys found some shovels and dug a grave. Kellin and Vic wrapped him in a blanket from this house and that's how he was burried. Nobody saw his body, we just saw the blanket wrapped around what looked to be his body.

I visit the grave a lot. I talk to him a lot. I hope he and my husband are watching over us. I hope they know how much we miss them. Though there's so much happiness with this new baby, I can't keep my mind off them. They both went out the same way, for different reasons. I wish I would have known he was going to do that. Maybe if I did, I could have saved him.

It almost seems like nobody cares anymore. Like nothing happened. I know it happened. I just wish he would give me a sign that he's watching over us. What am I thinking? There probably isn't a heaven or a God. If there was, why would he do this to the world and to my family?

I should probably just stop thinking about this and stop writing.

Notes

-Rose