I Introduce The Selfish Machine

I sat on the bed, scrolling on Tony's iPad.
"No, I need an appointment for when I get back. Can you see me on November 5th?...No ma'am, I don't know how far along I am that's why I need...No, we won't be back in San Diego until November 3rd, that's why I need an appointment for somewhere around the 5th...No, I- What?" I hissed at Tony, who was standing beside the bed.
"Can I use my iPad now?" He whispered, sounding like a little kid.
I sighed and shook my head. "The 4th will be fine, thank you." I hung up the phone, then whipped my head around to face Tony. "I was on the phone, you couldn't have waited?"
"I-I wanted to check the weather." I looked out the window and at the black sky. It was 3 in the afternoon.
"Tony, it's raining! Can't you hear it? It's been raining the past four days!" I handed him his iPad, which he took with shaking hands. He slid into the bed next to me, and began to click away at the iPad. The only sound in the room was the rain beating against the window, and the clicking of the iPad.
Two days have passed since I found out I was pregnant. We called my parents and Mama P, but decided to wait and tell the guys when we get home. Jaime and Seren are both going to kill me when they find out that I didn't tell them right away, but it's better to wait to tell them anyway. We don't really want anyone but our parents knowing until we get out of the first trimester, just in case something happens to the baby.
Tony's be extremely excited about the baby. He's been making a list of names we both like, and it's already extremely long. He wants to have names picked out before we find out the gender, like Leanna and Jacob. I'm glad that he's so excited about it, I know Tony will make a great father.
But, will I be a good mother?
I'm not very sensitive, I'm more of the "get over it" type of person. If we have a little girl, she'll probably be emotional like Tony and cry to me when she's hurt, and I can't take that. I don't do well with criers. Whenever we're babysitting Payton and she starts to cry, I hand her over to Tony. He calms her down quickly, while it takes me an hour to get a baby to stop crying. It's get that he has all these emotions because it balances out the fact that I'm tougher than him, but when he's away on tour, how am I supposed to do this on my own without him? I already love the little Perry that's growing inside of me, but the fear of having to do this alone is overpowering. A child needs two parents, not just one, and while Tony and I will remain married, it'll only feel like one parent to the child, and I don't know if I'm prepared to deal with that.
I rubbed my exposed stomach softly. It's so tiny now. I've always been so tiny, so I'm going to look like a balloon when I start to get a bump.
"I'm sorry I snapped at you." I said to Tony, reaching over to grab his hand.
He took it and squeezed tightly. "I completely understand, your hormones are everywhere." He said, not taking his eyes off his iPad. By the reflect in his glasses, I can tell he's looking at baby names again. "What about Teegan?"
"For a girl, but not for a boy." I said.
Tony nodded. "I'll add it to the list."
"What do you think about adoption?" I said out loud, not having the chance to think before I spoke.
Tony's finger stopped scrolling slightly above the screen. "You think we should put peanut up for adoption?"
We agreed to call the baby peanut instead of "it" or "baby Perry".
"Well, I'm worried that you're going to be gone a lot, and that peanut won't get to see you often. Hasn't it crossed your mind that peanut will get used to you not being around, and when you're around it'll be weird?"
Tony locked the iPad and turned to me. "No, I haven't thought about it. But, I don't see me not being around much as that big of a problem, and before you protest, let me explain. Once the guys know that you're having a baby, we're still going to tour, but we're probably going to tone down the travel, and you can always come until you get too big. And trust me, when you're too big, I'll be home with you and peanut." He placed a hand on my stomach. "Piper, you're my whole world, and now you have another half of it growing inside you. Adoption may seem like a great idea now, but when you have peanut, and you see another family walking out with peanut, you're going to regret every wanting to give peanut away. It's scary, thinking about me not being around to help, but I know the guys will always be on board for you traveling with us, and even after peanut is born, peanut can come along too. It's not the ideal situation, but it's what we have. Even if you're at home, we'll FaceTime every night and I'll never stop keeping in touch with you. I know you love peanut, and you know I love peanut, and I can never imagine watching someone else walk away with peanut. It's not going to be easy, but our relationship has never really been easy. We've been through so much together that I'm honestly surprised we're still together. I know you're scared, and I'm scared too, but we can be scared together. Peanut is going to have a great family, and an amazing mother, and I'm so glad you're the one carrying my baby." I felt my eyes start to water. Damn these hormones. I smiled at my sweet husband, knowing that even though life is going to be hard, I have him to hold my hand through it.
He rested his head on my thigh and faced my stomach. "Hey, peanut." He said. I smiled down at him. "I don't know if you can hear me yet, but I'm your daddy. Or dadda. Whatever you want to call me." I couldn't help but chuckle. "You are so very loved already, and mommy and daddy both promise to love you until the world stops, and so much longer after that. We can't wait to meet you and show you the world. You're growing up in a really cool family, peanut. I'll always be here for you, I'll always love you." He pressed his lips against my stomach, and then laid there and rubbed my stomach.
My world would be nothing without Tony. He's molded me into a different person, he's made me see things in a light I had never seen them in before. He changed me for the better, and I know I had some affect on him too. Babies are precious, beautiful things, and ours is going to be the damn cutest half Mexican half white baby out there. Peanut is already so loved, and if it's possible to be more loved, Peanut will be. Marriage was never in my plans, and especially not motherhood. I'm so glad this happened, because now I'll have a forever best friend, who will hate me at some points, be embarrassed by me, maybe even distracted by me, but I know regardless peanut will love me, and peanut will always love Tony too. My perfect, little, dysfunctional family.
I couldn't be any happier.

Notes