The Life and Lies of The How-To Manual
How to Cuddle Like Autumn
Day Two: The smell is starting to get to me…
Where we were? I don’t know. Did this count as kidnapping? It had to. Where was that stupid sock? I was pretty sure my asschip boyfriend forgot to lock his case (again) and it must’ve spilled because I felt clothes cover me. I felt like Oscar the Grouch with all the stink covering my body.
That’s when the bus stopped.
In the midst of my silent grumbling, I felt the bus lurch to a halt. I was slammed to the front wall and groaned out of the pain. There was some yelling. Then there was more yelling. After a dazed moment of utter darkness, I could make out what they were saying.
“It’s been two days! She hasn’t been in her bunk for all two days!” Autumn cried out.
“No, no, she wasn’t there. I mean, it’s easy to lose MD. We need to put a bell on her or something. She’s too silent.” Mike said.
“Oh yes, a bell would help. I have one in my trunk.” Tony added helpfully. Vic must’ve slapped him because the Turtle let out a whine of displeasure.
“She’s not some dog!”
“Well, maybe, we need a dog to sniff her out?” Turtle added.
“I thought you two were cuddling!” Autumn accused as the door slammed. Jaime must’ve walked out. As soon as I opened my mouth yell his name, a fabric material was collapsed in. I had to even my breaths since I couldn’t physically reach up and pull whatever it was out of my mouth.
Now that I thought of it, I couldn’t feel anything lower than my shoulder. That’s not good…
“Hey, she’s your best friend!” Jaime accused. Everyone was starting to yell about how did they possibly lose me.
“I’M YELLING TO YELL!” Rian screamed. Zack joined in.
“She’s yooour girlfriend!” Autumn spat back. I felt the cold breeze sweep through the undercarriage and shivered. I was hungry. I was cold. I wanted a blanket. I needed food and water. I needed sugar to stay awake.
And I had to peeeeee really baddddly.
Wow, I felt like Vic when he whines at three in the morning. Pushing that aside, I tried to mumble to them, but they were yelling too loudly. Those asschips…
“I’m still getting my bell!” Tony added happily and the undercarriage opened. Light flooded the interior of the cold confinement. I struggled to move and give some signal I was in here.
“Tone, this isn’t going to help.” Jack sighed. I heard them all moving outside, the yelling dying down.
“Oh geez, Autumn. You made all the luggage shift. Good going.” Mike chuckled. Autumn whacked him, the sound echoing in my ears. I longed for that sunlight, that sweet, sweet sunlight…
“Jaime! Your laundry spilled….and it’s moving.” Tony shrieked loudly. Everyone crowded around. I couldn’t really see since I think his pants had fallen in my eyes, but it seemed like the sunlight had suddenly dimmed. I had lost all track of what time it was. Was it noon? Was it late evening?
I still didn’t know what had been shoved in my mouth.
This worried me.
“Um, did you accidentally pack the neighbor’s cat again?” Vic asked quietly. I struggled more, trying not to choke on whatever gagged me.
“No! That was an accident. Hey, Tone, did you check the undercarriage?” Jaime asked quietly. There was a brief, hesitant moment of silence, as if the Turtle was looking back.
“Yeah, I did. I didn’t see her in there.” Tone added.
“Did you look, behind things?”
No answer.
“IDIOT! YOU BUTT-QUEEF!” Jaime screeched. Suddenly, boxes were being pulled aside. More sunlight poked it’s way to my half-shut eyes. I had grown accustomed to the dark. I might as well be a vampire now.
“YOU’RE SUCH A BUTT-QUEEF, YOU ASSCHIP, YOU MOTHER-“
“She’s still alive!” Jack cheered. I felt my numb body being pulled from the undercarriage, limp and numb. My fingers and toes tingled uncomfortably. I dropped down to the earth and opened my eyes.
I spit out what I had been gagging on since twenty minutes ago.
Just my luck: It was Jaime’s blue boxers that had been gagging me. Of course, I had no clue if Jaime had been too lazy and forgotten to wash his laundry.
I let out a hoarse shriek and jumped up, immediately collapsing in Jaime’s arms. I pushed him away and gagged heavily, nearly puking out a third lung on the side of the highway.
“Yep, she’s alive!” Alex laughed. I flopped down on the dirt, rubbing my thighs and attempting to regain the warm blood in my stiff legs. Jaime came down and scooped me into his arms. Mike looked disgusted as he threw Jaime’s spilled clothes into the undercarriage and slamming it shut.
“Great, we left her in there for two whole days and now she gagged on your dirty boxers, Himes.” Autumn grumbled whilst patting my shoulder. I shivered at the memory as Jaime carried me into the bus. He kissed my forehead and I shook my head.
“Hey, you didn’t check behind the boxes!” Vic accused Tony who whined until Autumn stroked his hair. He fell quiet and sat on the couch, looking up to her for forgiveness. Autumn kissed his forehead and he finally smiled.
“Anyways, she’s probably starving and thirsty. I’ll get the coffee.” Alex suggested. The clock read noon. I nodded, silently thanking the man. Jaime fell on the couch and pulled me down with him so that I was awkwardly laying partly on top of him. Autumn eyed me.
“Oh come on, Ding. You couldn’t have forgotten how to cuddle in two days.” She gave me a crooked grin under the locks of faded blue. She would have to get the colors redone soon. I shrugged. Jaime kind of tried to readjust me as I shivered. I just refused to move as I curled into a ball and continued to shake.
“What is it, Willow?” Jaime asked. I shook harder. I was so cold and everyone was wearing sweatpants and sweatshirts.
“Jaime.” My teeth chattered together so that it sounded like a chainsaw starting.
“What?” He asked again.
“JAIME.” I complained louder.
“Himes, she’s cold.” Tony sighed. He pulled Autumn down on top of him so that she had her head on his chest.
“Oh, sorry, Willow.” Jaime blushed. I patted his arm as Vic grabbed a familiar blue blanket. It was Jaime’s nice one, of course. He brought it on every tour. The singer draped it over me, patting my back kindly. I curled up under it, still weirdly positioned half on/half of my guy.
Autumn sighed in disapproval. I held the blanket closer and raised an eyebrow at her.
“Come on, Willow. I’ll teach you how to cuddle again.” At that, I pulled out my little how to manual and started to jot down a new entry.
“Okay, so Jaime has to stretch out completely on the couch.” Autumn first pointed out. Himes adjusted his position, booting Alex to the floor. Alex pouted until Jack came and pulled him onto his lap with an oof!
I wrote down that step.
“Next, crawl up and lay on Jaime so that your head is under his chin.” Autumn instructed. Tony played with her hair, like a little kid entranced by the bright colors of a new crayon.
“Good, good, now either Jaime can put his legs up like he’s going to do sit ups, or you can just lay on top of him like he’s a big pillow.” Autumn giggled. I scribbled down the notes as she finished. I crawled right under the bassist’s chin and felt like we had finally found a comfortable position. Himes tucked the blanket around me as I closed the how-to book with my newest entry.
“How about we go into the next town and get some coffee, okay? I know you like their frappes.” Himes whispered to me. I nodded and kissed his jaw. He hummed in pleasure, smiling slightly.
How to Cuddle like Autumn:
1.Your guy has to stretch out on the couch.
2.He is your pillow.
3.There is no arguments about step 2.
4.None.
5.Anyways, lay on him so your head is under his chin.
6.Sleep.
7.Sleep some more.
8.Be cute.
9.Now be adorable.
10. Now go back to sleep.
Where we were? I don’t know. Did this count as kidnapping? It had to. Where was that stupid sock? I was pretty sure my asschip boyfriend forgot to lock his case (again) and it must’ve spilled because I felt clothes cover me. I felt like Oscar the Grouch with all the stink covering my body.
That’s when the bus stopped.
In the midst of my silent grumbling, I felt the bus lurch to a halt. I was slammed to the front wall and groaned out of the pain. There was some yelling. Then there was more yelling. After a dazed moment of utter darkness, I could make out what they were saying.
“It’s been two days! She hasn’t been in her bunk for all two days!” Autumn cried out.
“No, no, she wasn’t there. I mean, it’s easy to lose MD. We need to put a bell on her or something. She’s too silent.” Mike said.
“Oh yes, a bell would help. I have one in my trunk.” Tony added helpfully. Vic must’ve slapped him because the Turtle let out a whine of displeasure.
“She’s not some dog!”
“Well, maybe, we need a dog to sniff her out?” Turtle added.
“I thought you two were cuddling!” Autumn accused as the door slammed. Jaime must’ve walked out. As soon as I opened my mouth yell his name, a fabric material was collapsed in. I had to even my breaths since I couldn’t physically reach up and pull whatever it was out of my mouth.
Now that I thought of it, I couldn’t feel anything lower than my shoulder. That’s not good…
“Hey, she’s your best friend!” Jaime accused. Everyone was starting to yell about how did they possibly lose me.
“I’M YELLING TO YELL!” Rian screamed. Zack joined in.
“She’s yooour girlfriend!” Autumn spat back. I felt the cold breeze sweep through the undercarriage and shivered. I was hungry. I was cold. I wanted a blanket. I needed food and water. I needed sugar to stay awake.
And I had to peeeeee really baddddly.
Wow, I felt like Vic when he whines at three in the morning. Pushing that aside, I tried to mumble to them, but they were yelling too loudly. Those asschips…
“I’m still getting my bell!” Tony added happily and the undercarriage opened. Light flooded the interior of the cold confinement. I struggled to move and give some signal I was in here.
“Tone, this isn’t going to help.” Jack sighed. I heard them all moving outside, the yelling dying down.
“Oh geez, Autumn. You made all the luggage shift. Good going.” Mike chuckled. Autumn whacked him, the sound echoing in my ears. I longed for that sunlight, that sweet, sweet sunlight…
“Jaime! Your laundry spilled….and it’s moving.” Tony shrieked loudly. Everyone crowded around. I couldn’t really see since I think his pants had fallen in my eyes, but it seemed like the sunlight had suddenly dimmed. I had lost all track of what time it was. Was it noon? Was it late evening?
I still didn’t know what had been shoved in my mouth.
This worried me.
“Um, did you accidentally pack the neighbor’s cat again?” Vic asked quietly. I struggled more, trying not to choke on whatever gagged me.
“No! That was an accident. Hey, Tone, did you check the undercarriage?” Jaime asked quietly. There was a brief, hesitant moment of silence, as if the Turtle was looking back.
“Yeah, I did. I didn’t see her in there.” Tone added.
“Did you look, behind things?”
No answer.
“IDIOT! YOU BUTT-QUEEF!” Jaime screeched. Suddenly, boxes were being pulled aside. More sunlight poked it’s way to my half-shut eyes. I had grown accustomed to the dark. I might as well be a vampire now.
“YOU’RE SUCH A BUTT-QUEEF, YOU ASSCHIP, YOU MOTHER-“
“She’s still alive!” Jack cheered. I felt my numb body being pulled from the undercarriage, limp and numb. My fingers and toes tingled uncomfortably. I dropped down to the earth and opened my eyes.
I spit out what I had been gagging on since twenty minutes ago.
Just my luck: It was Jaime’s blue boxers that had been gagging me. Of course, I had no clue if Jaime had been too lazy and forgotten to wash his laundry.
I let out a hoarse shriek and jumped up, immediately collapsing in Jaime’s arms. I pushed him away and gagged heavily, nearly puking out a third lung on the side of the highway.
“Yep, she’s alive!” Alex laughed. I flopped down on the dirt, rubbing my thighs and attempting to regain the warm blood in my stiff legs. Jaime came down and scooped me into his arms. Mike looked disgusted as he threw Jaime’s spilled clothes into the undercarriage and slamming it shut.
“Great, we left her in there for two whole days and now she gagged on your dirty boxers, Himes.” Autumn grumbled whilst patting my shoulder. I shivered at the memory as Jaime carried me into the bus. He kissed my forehead and I shook my head.
“Hey, you didn’t check behind the boxes!” Vic accused Tony who whined until Autumn stroked his hair. He fell quiet and sat on the couch, looking up to her for forgiveness. Autumn kissed his forehead and he finally smiled.
“Anyways, she’s probably starving and thirsty. I’ll get the coffee.” Alex suggested. The clock read noon. I nodded, silently thanking the man. Jaime fell on the couch and pulled me down with him so that I was awkwardly laying partly on top of him. Autumn eyed me.
“Oh come on, Ding. You couldn’t have forgotten how to cuddle in two days.” She gave me a crooked grin under the locks of faded blue. She would have to get the colors redone soon. I shrugged. Jaime kind of tried to readjust me as I shivered. I just refused to move as I curled into a ball and continued to shake.
“What is it, Willow?” Jaime asked. I shook harder. I was so cold and everyone was wearing sweatpants and sweatshirts.
“Jaime.” My teeth chattered together so that it sounded like a chainsaw starting.
“What?” He asked again.
“JAIME.” I complained louder.
“Himes, she’s cold.” Tony sighed. He pulled Autumn down on top of him so that she had her head on his chest.
“Oh, sorry, Willow.” Jaime blushed. I patted his arm as Vic grabbed a familiar blue blanket. It was Jaime’s nice one, of course. He brought it on every tour. The singer draped it over me, patting my back kindly. I curled up under it, still weirdly positioned half on/half of my guy.
Autumn sighed in disapproval. I held the blanket closer and raised an eyebrow at her.
“Come on, Willow. I’ll teach you how to cuddle again.” At that, I pulled out my little how to manual and started to jot down a new entry.
“Okay, so Jaime has to stretch out completely on the couch.” Autumn first pointed out. Himes adjusted his position, booting Alex to the floor. Alex pouted until Jack came and pulled him onto his lap with an oof!
I wrote down that step.
“Next, crawl up and lay on Jaime so that your head is under his chin.” Autumn instructed. Tony played with her hair, like a little kid entranced by the bright colors of a new crayon.
“Good, good, now either Jaime can put his legs up like he’s going to do sit ups, or you can just lay on top of him like he’s a big pillow.” Autumn giggled. I scribbled down the notes as she finished. I crawled right under the bassist’s chin and felt like we had finally found a comfortable position. Himes tucked the blanket around me as I closed the how-to book with my newest entry.
“How about we go into the next town and get some coffee, okay? I know you like their frappes.” Himes whispered to me. I nodded and kissed his jaw. He hummed in pleasure, smiling slightly.
How to Cuddle like Autumn:
1.Your guy has to stretch out on the couch.
2.He is your pillow.
3.There is no arguments about step 2.
4.None.
5.Anyways, lay on him so your head is under his chin.
6.Sleep.
7.Sleep some more.
8.Be cute.
9.Now be adorable.
10. Now go back to sleep.
Oh my god ;-; As I was reading the ending, like her dying and the funeral and all, i'm listening to pandora. And See You Again by Wiz Khalifa started playing and now my feels are broken :.c
7/20/15