The Life and Lies of The How-To Manual

You know? My cousin broke his arm playing Duck-Duck-Goose. I would’ve at least expected a fracture, maybe a sprain, but no. He had to go and break his arm. He was in a purple cast for three months.

Duck-Duck-Goose was a dangerous game. Take heed, peasants!

But I can’t even imagine how bad Hide-and-Seeks is, now that alcohol is involved. Luckily, we’ve still got three passing outs to go before we start that. Right now, we’re on Pillow Fight: World against Autumn and Turtle.

And those two were determined to win.

It was late at night, maybe ten, maybe midnight. Right now, everything looked a little fuzzy. We were being semi-responsible. Instead of driving, Tony pulled over on a dirt road for the night so we could all drink and no one was driving.

I was supposed to be the responsible parent tonight, so I was limited to only a glass. The others were pouring beer down their throats like they were wanting to choke on happiness. Vic was on his third beer. Jaime was crawling around on all fours like a wobbly cat. He only had two. Tony had barely made his second when he had passed out in the cabinets above the microwave.

Don’t ask me how he got in there.

I was too busy watching Alex attempt to violate Jack with a spray-cheese sandwich to notice a Turtle climb the counters.

Rian and Zack were in an epic rock-paper-scissors war. Zack got scissors and Rian got rock. He then proceeded to beat Zack with his fist/rock, yelling, “BOW DOWN, PEASANT.”

Let’s see…one, two, three, no stop trying to make out with Alex, Jack! Continuing on, six, seven, eight, nine… I was missing someone.

“Ding?” I asked Autumn. She attempting to blast Justin Bieber music through the sound system. I saw a pair of earplugs jacked in her ears. I ripped one out.

“Whaaat?” She whined through a dizzy gaze.

“Mike?” I mouthed to her.

“He’s trying to cuddle with Vic.” She giggled happily and pointed to where Vic was yelling, “JALEX FOREVER, BITCHES!” Of course, Mike was attempting to cuddle up to his brother. The younger brother had at least two bottles of strong whiskey around him. Both were empty and abandoned.

“MikeyWhiskeyHands! Stop trying to cuddle your brother and put your shirt back on!” I wrote on a piece of paper and chucked at his head. He ignored my written plea and continued to poke the other Fuentes half. He had stripped his shirt off and whining for Vic to rub his tummy. Vic was screaming about Jalex living on as Jack finally kissed Alex and I sighed.

This was going to be a long night.

Then the Biebs started.

Everyone shrieked and ducked. Autumn cackled happily, passing out on the floor. Tony’s muffled screams came from inside the cabinet. Rian and Zack were rolling on the floor. Jaime came up to me and pulled me down.

It seemed as if even the alcohol in their systems hated this sound. Jaime was whining for me to stop it. Rian passed out after the second round of, “BABY! BABY! BABY, OOOOH!” Zack attempted to hide in the mini fridge. I struggled as Jaime wrapped his entire body around my legs. Pulling on Zack’s leg, I managed to get his head out of the freezer. He was screaming garbled nonsense about girly haircuts on small singing boys.

I couldn’t tell if he was referring to Vic or Justin.

As Zack stopped struggling, I let him sleep on the floor next to Rian. Okay, so we had Zack and Rian down for the count. Autumn was also snoozing in the driver’s seat. Three down. Six to go.

“Mikey, please stop licking your brother. Keep your tongue to yourself.” I sighed and shoved the paper in his hands. He opened his eyes long enough to read it and toss it back at my chest, like it was a game.

Not being able to speak was really hard when you were combating against the drinks in this room.

“WE’RE UNDER PRESSURE! SEVEN BILLION PEOPLE IN THE WORLD JUST TRYIN’ TO FIT IN!” Vic sang along. I stared at him with wide eyes. What. The. Actual. Hell!?!?!?

“DIIING!” I yelled over him. He gave me a crooked grin underneath a matt of brown locks before continuing to dance. Mike was whining at him until he dropped cold, curling up like a large, tattooed, kitten.

Four down. Five to go.

Jack, Alex, Tony, Vic, and Jaime were still awake. Jaime was clutching my legs, wrapping his whole body around my torso.

“Mooooom! Tell Vic to shut up!” He whined, burying his face into my knee. I reached down and stroked his head.

Rule one of being Jaime’s caretaker (because I basically was in charge of him 24/7): Himes will fall asleep if you stroke his hair and rub behind his ear.

He was just like a giant dog with goofy hair, to be real honest.

“Jaime.” I whispered to him over the blaring music. My goal was to get to the speakers and turn off the playlist before I go insane in the membrane.

“Make him stop, Mooom.” He whined once again, muffled voices vibrating against my black skinny jeans. He rubbed his face against my knee, closing his eyes. His entire being smell of alcohol. I mean, the bus smelled of it, but Jaime’s usual sweet odor was mixed with it.

“Jaime, I love you.” I whispered kindly to him. He started to snore, still attacked to my leg. I pushed a few pieces of floppy hair behind his ear, just making sure he was asleep.

Once he was, I pulled him off of me and piled him in the corner with the rest of the boys.

“HELLLLLLP MEEEEE!” Tony screamed. I sighed and walked over to the cabinets. This was supposed to be Autumn’s job!

“Ding?” I asked. He shrieked as Vic matched Justin’s high note. It wasn’t a pretty clash of sounds. Stepping over Rian’s hand, I reached up to the cabinets and opened them. Turtle was curled on the bottom shelf. I wonder where the coffee creamer had gone…

“AHHHHH!” He yelped. I grabbed his hand and pulled him down. He slowly stumbled, nearly falling on top of me. Half way through, he passed out cold and I was left with dead weight. With a grunt, I shoved him onto the couch and slammed the doors closed.

Three more.

Jalex.

And the Justin diva in the corner.

Jack was currently dominating Alex by laying on top of him while Alex giggled and screamed. I don’t know if he was enjoying being planked on or not. It was kind of a strangled mating cry, to be honest.

The wild Jack appears! It’s deep in mating season and the untamed Jackis Barakten is on the prowl for an Alexandred Gaskathis. Oh look! He spots the wild Alexandred and moves in. Look at the beaut’ on the prowl! My God! He can hold down the wild Alexandred with a single plank! Jackis Barakten has successfully held down the Alexandred Gaskathis and have formed the new species, JALEX BARAKARTH! Look at them go!

I dragged Jack off his friend and onto the floor. Alex was gasping for air and reaching for another bottle before I slapped his arm and shook my head. Alex threw a pillow at me and curled up, trying to pout.

Vic was still screaming at the top of his lungs.

“I’LL BE YOUR PLATINUM, YOUR SILVER, YOUR GOLD!” Vic was yelling along. The fact he knew these lyrics kind of scared me.

“DING!” I attempted to get his attention. He was the last one awake. Everyone else was snoring under the blasting beats. I shuffled over people’s bodies and jumped to the radio. My nimble fingers switched off the songs. Vic continued to sing.

“AS LONG AS YOU LO-LO-LO-LO-LOVE ME!” Vic screamed to empty air. I walked over to him and he was grinning like an idiot.

Vic Fuentes sure knew how to get drunk.

I took hold of his shoulder and shoved him onto an open spot on a couch. His out of focus eyes were trying to find mine. I slapped him and he was knocked out.

Autumn would’ve been proud.

“PEASANT!” Rian screamed in his sleep. I sighed and moved Jaime over a little bit so I could sit down and write a new how-to entry. Taking out my slightly broken pencil, I opened up to page thirty one.

How to get gum out of your hair…

How to Get Drunk Like Vic Fuentes:

1.Get alcohol. All types, all of the store’s stock.
2.In fact, just buy the entire store.
3.Add a Jack Barakitten and an Alex Gaskarth.
4.*for additional fun, grab a Rian and a Zack.
5.To get the proper drunkness of Vic, drink four cans of Bud and wait ten minutes.
6.Put on some Biebs music.
7.Try not to pass out.
8.REALLY try not to pass out.
9.Start singing like the world would end tomorrow.
10. Play rock-paper-scissors with Rian and Zack.
11. Scream, “JALEX FOREVER, BITCHES!” Until you can’t feel your lungs.
12. Have fun.
13. Lots of fun.
And that, ladies and gentlemen, is how to get drunk like Victor Vincent Fuentes and how to have the party of your life.

Notes