The Life and Lies of The How-To Manual

Jack and Alex came first. I held back the tears as the boys came in. They talked for a while until they said they had to go.

“We’ll see you tomorrow! We’ll bring headbands again. That was a fun game!” Alex said quietly. I grasped his hand, just imagining what he would look like right now. I might as well start shedding the tears. It hurt to move, it hurt so much, but I squeezed his hand gently.

“Goodbye, Willow! See you later.” He whispered. I smiled feebly.

“Goodbye.” Was all I could say. All I had energy to say. Jack came and gave me a big hug, kissing my cheek in the sloppy manner he always would back on the bus. I opened my mouth to show I was laughing. Jack ruffled my hair.

“Bye, kiddo!” And they were gone.

Zack and Rian went much like the others. Quietly, they came and squeezed my hand, saying they’ll be back tomorrow. They’ll draw me more pictures. They’ll make sure the nurse will play some of their music in my room and actually develop a good taste in music, or so they teased.

I whispered my final words to them, smiling and listening as the door closed.

Vic and Mike came next, later in the afternoon as soon as Dr. Chase was done switching out my medication for the second time today. It really was easing up on the pain. If I could, I would do my best to write a thank you, a simple two words to them, to show my gratitude for easing the pain of my passing.

Vic called me a butt-queef, but patted my leg affectionately.

“Here, you seem cold. You need my blanket more than Jaime does.”

I looked at him curiously. I could only guess it was the infamous green plaid blanket.

“It’s Jaime’s, but I stole it from him. Now it’s yours!” He chirped. Mike whacked his shoulder. I heard Toddy and Rena shuffle up to my bed.

“Can we go to the amusement park again, Miss Willow?” Toddy asked sweetly. I bit my lip to stop blubbering.

“Yeah! Bring me too!” Rena agreed. I laughed and patted the tops of their heads.

“Come on, kiddos. Let’s leave Aunt Willow to get some rest. We’ll see you later, Willow! Rest up!” Mike smiled.

“Goodbye!” I whispered with some energy I had saved up for them. Vic excused himself as well. They must be hungry. It must be around lunch, or so I assumed.

“See you later, Willow.” Vic whispered as the door shut behind him.

I wiped a tear away from my eye.

Autumn and Tony had arrived later in the afternoon. Dr. Cameron left after giving me some water. I smiled, a wordless way of thanking her.

“Hey, you should hold my turtle.” Tony declared before taking a turtle out of thin air and putting it on my lap. I felt the creature crawl around on my lap and my eyes widened.

“Tony! Stop picking up random animals off the curb!” Autumn scolded. Turtle whined and complained that the poor shelled animal needed a home.

“Name?” I asked.

“Don’t encourage him.” Autumn grumbled. I reached out, touching the shell softly. I hoped none of the nurses would come around right now…

“It’s Sheldon.”

“Of course it is.” Autumn had probably rolled her eyes about now. Tony gently picked up the turtle on my lap, putting it in something that zipped. Autumn sighed as she sat down.

I didn’t do much talking, of course, but Autumn and Tony recounted the entire story of rescuing Sheldon off the street corner. Tony declared he was going to be a new member of the family and required a sweater for Christmas. I could only smiled the entire time.

It was a classic Perry story.

Eventually, Tony said he had to leave and would have to go back home. The guitarist said he’d be in the morning. He would be there in the morning, but I wouldn’t. I didn’t say a word about that.

“Goodbye, MD! I’ll see you tomorrow, alright? I’ll bring Sheldon as well. He’ll be missing you! He’ll be your therapy turtle!” Tony chuckled.

“Bye…turtles.” I chuckled with the final breaths I was using. I don’t know how much longer I can last on these pain meds. They seemed to be wearing off. Autumn was left. We sat in silence. I never heard her leave.

“I know you’re dying.” She eventually said.

I stayed silent, not moving.

“No one told me. I just know you well enough to tell that you’ve realized this fact as well. I assume one of your doctors broke it to you yesterday.” She whispered. She didn’t cry. No, she just whispered, barely heard above the silence.

I kept on staring straight ahead, my eyelids fluttering closed.

“I made sure everyone gets their chance to see you, don’t worry. Your mom will be here soon. She has to go take care of Jake and make sure your crazy uncle up the street hasn’t stabbed anybody with his butter knife yet, so she won’t be able to stay long.”

I smiled at that one, chuckling silently.

“It’s been a good run, hasn’t it? What, we’ve been best friends for years on years. I feel so old.”

I shook my head, still grinning. Even as I lay dying, Autumn can make me smile and feel young and healthy again.

“I’m glad you’re dying, though.”

I looked at her, wondering about the sudden outbreak.

“Life sucks. It really does. You endure a lot of pain, your heart gets broken, or maybe you break it as it dies. Friends can be stupid, family can break apart, and as you’ve experienced, your body can just quit out on you. People are butt-queefs, society is screwed. Life really sucks, but it also is a grand adventure. I don’t know anything about what happens after you die, I just know that it’s going to get a lot better. You won’t be in pain anymore.”

I started to cry.

“You’ll be happy. And that’s what I want, Ding. I want you to be happy. So I’m really not all that worried about you. You’ll probably still haunt us or whatever; you wouldn’t be Willow if you didn’t.” I heard her sniffle but then regain her confidence.

“So I’m not sad to see you die. You’ll be gone physically and that’ll hurt like all hell, but you’ll be here with us in spirit, which is better than the hurt. You’ll be standing with us, waiting in line at Disneyland. I’ll sit on the beach and I know you’ll be with me, complaining about all the stupid people who forget sunscreen. You’ll be happier, but you’ll still be with us, so I’m not worried.”

I smiled, my tears ceasing to flow. Autumn grabbed my hand.

“But don’t get me wrong. I still mad at you for dying.”

I laughed.

“But I’ll see you again, so don’t worry. Just…say hi every once in a while, okay?”

I nodded, squeezing her hand back with all I could muster.

“Goodbye…Autumn….Miss you…you…butt-queef.” I coughed and grinned. Autumn shook her head. I could feel the long blue strands tickle my bare skin.

“Miss you too, asshat.” And she left. My mom appeared moments later. I had to gather myself quickly as she came in.

“Hey, Willow. I’m sorry I can’t stay long, but I just dropped by to say hello.” I waved at her words. She came over, kissing my forehead quickly.

“Mom.” I whispered.

“Yes dear?” She asked. I smiled.

“Love you.” I whispered. She chuckled, patting my shoulder. “I love you too! Now get some sleep, honey. Jake misses you! I’ll go beat those boys with a pan for keeping you up. See you tomorrow!” She kissed my cheek again and left, scurrying out to make sure the boys weren’t getting into any trouble.

I would miss her pan threats so much.

And lastly, a slight nap later, came Jaime. I awoke from my deep sleep when his hand touched mine. I jolted to life, eyes flying open.

And I could see.

I don’t know if it was the meds, or some higher being, or maybe it was my brain giving me one last chance to see my would’ve-been husband, but I could see. I felt better. Didn’t I read something somewhere that terminal patients usually experienced moments without agony right before they were going to die?

“Hey, baby. I didn’t mean to wake you.” He whispered in his low voice.

“Jaime.” I whispered, feeling a little bit better than before. Maybe my medication was going to give me another day to live? Would I be able to survive for another day? Another week?

Would I get better?

He cupped my face, stroking my bangs out of my eyes. I smiled as he kissed me softly. I reached up, wrapping one arm around his hip.

“Missed you.” I whispered softly. Himes closed his eyes, touching his forehead to mine. I felt his cool breath roll off of his lips and touch my face tenderly.

“I missed you too, MD. The doctors said they put you on new medication. Maybe this will help more. I know you’ll get better. We’re all cheering for you downstairs.” He smiled. I laughed quietly.

There was a moment of silence as he stroked my cheek quietly. I looked into his brown orbs, sighing. I would miss those, but Autumn said that I would be with them soon enough, but I would be better. I would feel better but not be seen.

“I wish I could take you up to see the stars again. The meteor shower is pretty spectacular tonight.”

What a good night to die.

“But the nurse wouldn’t let me. She said that they were cracking down on those things. Oh well. We’ll have plenty more nights.”

Not physically.

“As soon as you’re out of here, we’ll go to the beach and we can sit in the sand and watch the stars reflect off the water. It will be fantastic. And we’ll get married and move in together. Sound good? I already have some houses picked out that you might like.” He tempted me. I nodded, a tear escaping. A worried look passed over him.

“What’s wrong, MD? Are you hurting?”

I’m hurting more than you can imagine.

But I just shook my head, smiling.

“Excited.” I lied, coughing slightly. He rubbed my back as he sat down beside me. We sat for endless hours. I just stared at him, soaking up every last little picture of him.

I would miss his messy hair that woke up in my face every morning. I would miss running my hands through it when he pouted and made me play with his hair. I would miss being his official unofficial assistant to the bassist. I would miss going to their concerts and watching him from the side of the stage and catching his eye in the middle of a song. I would miss his brown eyes that were filled with compassion and caring. I would miss every. Little. Thing. About. This. Man.

I might have fallen asleep because the clock seemed to jump ahead and I was curled up in Jaime’s arms when I opened my eyes again. He held me against his chest, stroking my hair gently. He saw me wake up, kissing my forehead happily.

“I’ll let you get some sleep, MD. I’ll see you in early in the morning, alright?” He asked, pressing his lips against my cheek. I turned nodding.

“I love you, Jaime Preciado.” I whispered. My throat didn’t feel so terrible, my arms less sore. My vision was clear. I felt okay, but that was just the finale to the final moment with him, I knew it.

“I love you too, my Mighty Ding.” He chuckled, kissing me again. I held on for as long as I could until he broke away. Our eyes caught one last time as he closed the door, turning the lights off behind me.

I could only watch as he walked away, a single tear sliding down my cheek.
I feel asleep in peace and awoke in agony. My bed had been moved right under the window. I smiled through the pain. I think Jaime had something to do with it.

I turned my head slowly as I watched through the window. The meteors fell faster and faster. I closed my eyes. I heard nothing but saw the falling of angels, only for them to sore back up to the heavens again and dive down to earth in an endless cycle. To join them would relieve my pain.

But I had one last page to fill.

I reached over, grabbing my how-to manual and a pen. I flipped to the last page, the very last page of a book that had guided me day in and day out of my life for many months prior to this.

I sighed, one last look to the meteors, and then to the page. There was a light in the corner. Underneath it, Dr. Cameron slept silently. She must’ve been here for some time.

I shuffled through the pages and the quite breaths of sleep stopped. I looked back up again to see the sleepy eyes of Dr. Cameron wake up. Dr. Chase entered the room holding two cups of coffee.

“Are you alright? Do you feel any pain?” Dr. Chase asked as he saw me open my eyes. I nodded.

“Fine. Help.” I asked. The two came over to my side. I pointed to the light. They turned it on. I waved them away as they tried to check my tubes.

“Sit down. Call later.” I said. They reluctantly took chairs and sat down by my side of the bed. I ignored them as I stared at the last page. It was blank, completely and utterly blank.

And so I wrote my last journal entry.

“Give to Jaime…when…dead.” I coughed as I handed the book to Cameron. She looked at me funnily, but nodded and took the book. She stared at the cover, put it in her coat pocket and looked at me again.

“Music?” I asked. Chase didn’t question it. He went up to the speakers in the room, turning on some music quietly.

“Which station?” He asked. Such sweet doctors. They were willing to do anything to make my death easier.

“Pierce the Veil.” I mouthed, unable to speak much more. He nodded and turned it on.

“Thank…you.” I whispered, smiling with the last bits of energy.

“You’re welcome.” Chase answered hesitantly. I sighed, closing my eyes and turning to the window. They got up, turned off the light, returned to their seats beside my bed, and stayed silent.

I watched each angel fall. I watched the meteors burn up in the atmosphere, imagining the best for all of the world that lay below it. I saw a particularly large meteor fall, slowly, hypnotizing, through the abyss of night to the track of The Balcony Scene, by the boys I loved most.

I let one last tear fall, not of sadness, but of happiness. I would be free of agony and Autumn would help the others understand.

I closed my eyes as the piano faded and the angels fell through the sky.

I am, and always will be, the Mighty Ding.

And so… I fell.

Notes

Her death.

There are only a few more chapters.

Be back later...crying. ;-;