I knew. I knew then that it wasn't me. I don't know how. But…I let it go. I was glad that I was someone that he could confide in. And I did the wrong thing afterwards. I ignored him. Its been 3 days. Ive been going to bed early, not pulling the couch bed out so that he could lay with me. I would leave early in the morning and go help other bands move things around. I checked on Jason to see how he was doing. Just like I was this morning. Our new location this week was Georgia and oh good lord almighty was it hot here. I tried my best to wear as less as I could without looking like every other slut here. I chose a pair of the shortest shorts I had, a white t-shit and some black toms I had. They reminded me of Kellin and that make me sad but I just tried my best to not pay anymore attention to them than I needed to. It was weird not talking to him. Seeing him walking to or from the stage or from other people. He looked miserable. I was hoping he hadn't taken my advice.
Helping pick up a little around the gravel road backstage where all the busses were parked, with Jason, I saw him walking across the road not but 3 busses in front of me. Vic by his side. He looked over and we caught each others eyes. His walking slowed and his expression looked as if he hadn't seen me in years. I had to admit, it kind of felt that way. I wanted nothing more than to run to him and give him the biggest hug. He pulled his phone out quick and tapped the screen with his thumbs asking me if I could would text him. I nodded my head and he kept going.
“You know, you guys need to just be together already. Its obvious you like each other.” Jason said as he bent down to pick up a piece of trash. I turned around and opened the trash bag for him while he threw it in.
“He asked for advice the other day. About if he should be with this girl he met. If he should be with her so soon after Katelynn. Its not me he wants.” I said lowly and turned back around to pick up more trash.
“Thats the stupidest thing I've ever heard come out of your mouth.” He said and I whipped around.
“Excuse me?” I asked. Not in a rude way. I just didn't understand.
“Heather. Did you ever once stop to think that maybe its you? That maybe its the girl he stares at like she's an angel every time she's on stage with him? The one that he drags with him to interviews so that he can show you off?” He said. I just blinked. With every reason he gave, my heart would lighten a little more. What if he was right?…
“Dont be so blind. You weren't blind with me.” He said and turned around in search of more trash. I just stood there. He was so right…
BUZZ BUZZ. I pulled my cell phone out and opened up the texts, already knowing they were from Kellin.

• I really wish you would talk to me. *
• I have something important to tell you. *
• Lets all go out tonight. Please? *

I looked up to the sky and closed my eyes and then looked back down at my phone and texted back.

• Sounds good. And sorry, Jason asked if I would help him with the trash these past few days. *

I walked to the dumpster not far from where I was and tossed my bag inside.

• Its more than that. I know why you've been avoiding me.*

He texted back and I walked to the bus. I layer down and just erased all my thoughts, deciding I would take a nap. The music outside was loud enough to make a beat that I could fall asleep to, and thats exactly what it did.
I woke up a few hours later with a head ache. No one was on the bus still and it was almost dark now. I sat up and stretched, yawning into the silence of the bus. I checked my phone and noticed it was 7:30 at night and also saw a few texts from Kellin and one from Vic. I read Vic’s first.

• I just thought I would let you know that Kellin’s really upset that you haven’t talked to him. Its driving him crazy. Anyway…if you need to talk, you now Im here.*

Then I moved on to Kellins.

• Hey, i’m hanging out with the guys and Matty from MMF. Jesse told me you were asleep so whenever you wake up, just text me and ill come get you so we can all go out for a little. *
• I hope your doing ok. *

I smiled slightly and texted him.

• Im awake now. Ready when you are. *

I got up and changed into a pair of jeans and a new t-shirt and put on a light grey SWS hoodie. I went to the bathroom and let my hair down letting it fall into its long dark natural curls. I touched up my make up and put up my hood. If theres one thing about the south, it might be hot during the day, but it gets cold at night.
“Heather?” I heard Kellin call from the front of the bus. I was nervous to go out there. I remembered what Jason said. Maybe its me. I stepped out and walked to the front, smiling to Kellin.
“Lets go.” I said and passed him. He grabbed my arm lightly and tugged me to a stop.
“No more avoiding me ok? I don’t like not being able to talk to you.” I nodded and hugged him and we left, meeting the guys at the gate. Along with Matty who I was immediately introduced to by Jack. All I heard for the next few hours was how funny it was that Matty impossibly had a higher pitched voice than Kellin. I smiled and laughed and tried my hardest to genuinely have a good time.
Later in the night, the guys were on the verge of drunk. All of them. Even Kellin. And that was bad. Kellin…he didn't drink. He never drinks. He really was stressed out. I let him keep going. Sometimes to need to just let lose to feel better. Plus he was sick. No matter how much he denied it, he had been coughing up a storm since we had been out. I would take care of him though…because who else?… He had gotten up to go get me a soda and brought it back, only to leave again to go to the bathroom. I thought more about what Jason had said to me earlier today and finally decided that I was going to tell him how I felt. I stood and walked the short distance to the hall that had the bathrooms in it. And before I got there checked myself, fluffed my hair, fixed my clothes, straightened my shoulders and turned the corner.
But there he was…holding a woman's face in his hands, his lips on hers, her hands on him, his hands on her. I turned around and walked out the door not sure of how I should feel. Some how I kinda expected this. But the tears started to fall anyway as the Georgia breeze crawled on my skin. I pulled my phone out and dialed Vic’s number.
“Hello?”
“Hey Vic, its Heather. Can you come get me?” I asked, trying not to burst with screams.
“Sure, are you ok?” He asked.
“Um…No…I mean I guess. I don’t really know.”
“Ok ok its alright. Where are you?”
I turned around and looked up at the signs. We had walked here so we really weren't that far from the venue.
“Toby’s Pub.” I said walking across the street to the there side walk. We hung up and Vic was there within the next few minutes. His car was warm and I was thankful for his friendship in my time of need. He reminded me of Dottie.
“What happened?” He asked as he watched a tear fall down my face.
“I…Kellin asked for”
“Advice?” he finished for me. I looked over at him and nodded.
“How’d you know?” I asked.
“Kellin tells me everything. He’s talking about you, you know.” Vic said and tucked my hair behind my ear as he drove.
“I wouldn't be so sure about that.” I said and whipped my face.
“Why would I not be sure. He just told me earlier.”
“Tell that to the girl he’s making out with in there.” I said jerking my head back to the pub.
“Shit.” Vic said and shook his head.
“He’s drinking isn't he?” He asked and I nodded my head. He stopped the car and made a U turn back to the pub.
“What are you doing?” I asked.
“Kicking his ass.” He said.
When we got back there, Vic shot out of the car and I followed him into the pub scared of what he was going to do to Kellin.
“Don’t hurt him Vic.” I said above the loud music. We saw Kellin again, only this time he was sitting against the wall, his knees pulled up to his chest and his head in his arms. I touched Vic’s arm and walked to Kellin, kneeling down in front of him, and put my hand on his head, stoking his soft hair.
“No more drinking Kellin. Do you understand me?” I said calmly and he lifted his head nodding. My heart almost broke when I saw tears streaming down his perfect little cheeks.
“Come on, lets go back. Ill make you some coffee and we can go to bed.” I said and helped him up.
When we got back to the bus, I did exactly what I told him I would do. But first I thanked Vic for being on the look out for me. I made a mental note to remind myself to do something for him. I got some blankets and pillows, pulled out the couch bed and piled everything on top. Kellin had taken a shower, already coming down from his drunkenness and feeling the effects of it. I poured him a glass of water and took some ibuprofen from my suit case and set it on the counter for him. I finished making our coffees and set his by his water before carrying my own to the couch bed and sitting waiting for him to join me while I listened to Jay Leno talk about…well I'm not sure. I was actually quite caught up in thought. I thought about everything I had just done after seeing what he had been doing. I thought about what I didn't use to have when my home was the streets, and then I thought of what Dottie did for me. She did everything she didn't have to. But she was glad she did it. She took pride in the good things she did for people regardless of the bad. She taught people morals simply by being herself. Well..I know where I got it from.
Kellin came wobbling from the back soon and when he looked up at me, I pointed to the counter and I nodded, implying that he needed to take it. He took his pill and walked himself and his coffee to me. He sat, sipped his coffee and sighed leaning his head back against the back of the couch.
“Thank you.” He said.
“Your welcome.” I said and sipped at my coffee.
“Im sorry Heather.” I looked over at him and his eyes were shut.
“For what?” I asked.
“For not telling you sooner. How I felt about you. For…wasting time. For making a mistake when I cold have just told you I had feelings for you as soon as I felt them.” He said. I felt like I knew all to well what he was feeling right now. My ex may have treated me wrong, but in the beginning his mask was still on and I only saw a sweet guy who was willing to make me happy. Thinking that again makes it sound so pathetic…and maybe it was. I had fallen head over heals for someone thinking only that I wanted someone to love me. It was a low feeling. It was a feeling that left a hole…I knew.
I scoot closer to him then and wiggled my back into his chest and snuggled into him. I wasn't sure what I wanted yet. Kellin was an obvious answer to that. But whether or not I wanted to be in a relationship was still iffy. Not because I didn't like him because I do, of course. But…is it too soon? Its been what, 3 weeks? I didn't want to be that girl. I didn't want to fall hard like I had before. Though this time, I knew that if I did, it wouldn't be a mistake.
Kellin wrapped an arm around the front of me and kissed the top of my head.
“So how do you feel about me? Honestly?” I asked and stayed quiet. His breathing became deep and he exhaled before speaking.
“I feel like…I feel like i’ve known you like we've been best friends our whole life.” He started and lightly pushed me up and sat up straight. I turned around and faced him, reaching out for a hand to hold.
“Every time I see you, I want nothing more than to just…I don’t know. I love holding your hand. I love when you hold me when Im having a hard time or sick like I am now. I love the look on your face when your sleeping. I love…the color of your hair and the softness of your skin.” He reached a hand out and brushed me cheek with his fingers.
“I love that you help homeless people, that you make the guys and me breakfast, that you choose to listen to music with me when you know i’m feeling down. I love that you would curse someone out for me.” He said and we laughed.
“I love that you can sing. I love that you support me in everything that I do. I love that you help me out of sticky situations even when your mad at me or anything in your life. You keep this composure with me, with the guys that make us feel loved.”
He said and tucked a piece of hair behind my ear.
“Do you know that we've never been so close? That we've never had the…the time to be like the family we used to be. You've done so much that you probably don't even know that you've done it. Your such an amazing person both inside and out and I cant imagine you not being here, with me, with the guys. I don’t ever want you to leave. I don’t even know how we made it this far without someone like you hovering over us.” He said and smirked.
“Hey, I don’t hover.” I said and pointed a finger at him. We laughed and then my ex came to mind. I guess I should tell him.
“Kellin…ok look. I care for you. I really do. On a level that i’ve never…successfully, been able to do. I was with someone. And unlike you, his sweet side was never so sweet. I mean yea…he had his moments. He had those days and nights where he would focus all of his attention on me for the sake of love…or so I thought.” I let my chin drop as memories started flowing back of the man who masked his anger and then bursted out, tearing everything in his site apart. I sucked in air and looked back up to Kellin.
“I…thought I loved him. I thought…that I had everything I ever wanted. I had a home, I was working and going to school and I had someone who I thought loved me just as much as I did him. But…he changed.” I said and sighed looking back up to Kellin. His eyes were focused on my own, his hand tightening around mine.
“Things were different one day. I don’t know what happened to him but his exterior faded. He got more and more angry and aggressive and…abusive…” I said and felt my eyes start to burn with the threat of tears.
“He would come home, and freak if something wasn't right. If there was no dinner, if there was no toilet paper. If I was gone at work when he got there, that was it. I would…be so afraid. So afraid to go home because I knew when I got there I would be cowering to save my life all night until the next day.” I said and tears started coming out. Picturing those times was enough to send me over the edge.
“Mind you, I was only 18 going on 19 at the time. He was 20 going on 21 and…he was just so…so…” That was it. That was all I could get out before covering my face and shaking so bad that I almost dropped my coffee. I felt Kellin lift off of the bed, taking my coffee with him, setting them on the table and coming back and wrapping me in his arms. He picked me up and sit back down setting me in his lap as I wrapped my arms around his neck. I heard the door of the bus open and one of Kellins hand shoot up as I buried my face in his chest. I heard him softly shush the guys and heard them say “sorry’s.” before going to the back of the bus.
“You don’t ever have to feel or fear that again ok? Ill keep you safe. Ill always keep you safe.” He said and stroked my hair, kissing the top of my head a few times while we sat there in silence.

Notes

There you are :) Hope everyone is enjoying this. Comment, rate subscribe :) Much love and happy writing :) <3