The place I was. The place I am. The place I want to be.

Later that morning I woke up immediately thinking of Heather and the marks on her stomach. I turned over and she was still asleep, breathing lightly with her blanket covering her nose. I smiled and remembered that I had kissed her scars. Maybe it was a little much but I felt like I needed her to know that marks like that mean growth. To the outside, people judge people like Heather and myself for the marks made on our skin. For the intentional hurt. But we knew that they meant success. To be able to look down at them and remember all the good that came out of all the negative. They were happy marks. And they only made her that much more gorgeous.
I lifted up and over her and walked to the kitchen area. This morning I would do the cooking for the guys and add a little something special for Heather. It was only 8:00 when I looked at the clock so I made some eggs and bacon and making up plates. The guys started piling out one by one as I made the last plate.
“Guys be quiet, Heather is still sleeping.” I said. They all snuck passed her and out the door to eat outside. I got dressed and walked off the bus.
“If she wakes up, text me.” I said as I passed Jesse. He gave me a thumbs up and I got in our van and drove to the grocery store. I honestly don't know what I was thinking. As I drove I thought about Katelynn and Heather and thought about how much better I would have been had I had someone like Heather in the first place. But I was thankful for meeting her. Walking in the grocery store I knew what I was getting but when I stopped in front of the roses, I wondered what she would think. Even I was thinking that it was too soon. Too soon considering I had just met Heather not but a little over a week ago and too soon after Katelynn to be trying to be falling for someone else. I didn't want to stoop down to Katelynn’s level…But why wait?
I had already made it clear that I felt something for Heather the first time I kissed her cheek on stage. And I proved it even more last night. I picked up one rose and decided it would be from the guys. I payed and drove back to the bus. Walking in I was thankful that she was still asleep as I set her breakfast on the table and poured her a cup of coffee setting it next to her plate. I cut the rose and put it in a small glass vase that my mom had make me keep when she gave me a flower to take with me as a goodbye gift every time we go on tour. Thank you momma.
I put the rose in the vase with some water and set it on the table in front of Heathers plate and walked over to her. I sat on the bed next to her and stroked her hair out of her face.
“Heather. Heaaatherrrr.” I said softly and smiled when she looked up at me. She sat up slowly and ran her fingers through her hair smiling back.
“Mmmm I smell bacon.” She said and yawned rubbing her eyes.
“Yea I made breakfast.” I said standing up and holding a hand out for her to take to help her up.
“Why didn't you just let me make it?” She asked and I laughed.
“You saying I cant cook?” I said jokingly.
“Hey I didn't say that. Your sick. You should have just let me do it.” She was right. I felt sick as a dog but I wanted to make it.
“Nah, I hate being unproductive. I wanted to make it for you guys.” I said and followed her to the table.
“Aw! A rose. My favorite.” She said and smiled.
“Yup, from the guys and me.” I said and turned around grabbing my own mug for some coffee.
“Thank you Kellin.” She said and I looked over at her stabbing a fork into her eggs. Today was going to be a long day and I half wanted to cancel our session today simply because I could barely talk let alone sing. Or maybe I would have Heather do everything today. I smiled to myself laughing at how actually good it would be if I just let her sing. Though it would have to be acoustic because she had too sweet of a voice to scream. Maybe we would shorten it. Just acoustic until I got better.
I sat down with Heather and we just talked about our day and some kind of plan until she was done eating and went to get dressed and ready. I had a few interviews today but after that I was free until later tonight. What I really wanted to do was wrap up in a blanket and stay inside again all day…with Heather. I took my phone out and went to my pictures deleting everything that had to do with Katelynn. I was so tired of her. Of hoping that everything would turn out for the best if I just kept pushing myself to love her more and more. All she ever did was tae advantage of that. And I think I knew that all this time but…I was too weak to admit it. Being on the road is difficult. Knowing that you don’t really have anyone to come “home” to after a years worth of traveling always made me feel….pathetic when I chose to pretend like Katelynn was everything I could ever want.
“Hey man, you good?” I looked up and Jack was standing in the doorway to the bus looking up to me. I nodded my head yes.
“Yea i’m good. Sorry dude.” I said and stood.
“No its cool bro. We got a Bryanstars in 10 minutes.” He said. I held up a thumbs up and smiled.
“We will be out in a few minutes.” I said and gave him a thumbs up back turning around as Heather came out from the bathroom. I felt my eyes widen as I watched her put her hair up in a lazy bun. Her almost black hair, bright blue eyes, red Sleeping with Sirens shirt, shorts that I swear couldn't be shorter, and almost knee high Black Chucks, were enough to make me gasp and stare stare at her. She was just so beautiful…
“Kellin. Hey.” She said waving a hand in front of my face. I shook my head and couldn't help but blush so I turned around and poured a glass of water.
“You alright Kel?” she asked. I chuckled and turned back around.
“Im fine. Come on, we've got an interview with Bryanstars.”
“We?” she asked.
“Yes Heather. May not seem like it yet but your one of us now.” I said.
“But Kellin..”
“Oh Heather, stop. Your being silly.” I laughed and grabbed her hand pulling her off the bus. I looked over and saw her smile and look down at our hands as we walked to Bryan and the guys standing at our interview tent.
“And here comes the perfect couple now. Look at you guys. So adorable.” Bryan said as we got closer. Heather dropped our hands and I tried to hide my frown my lifting my hand and swiping my hair out of my eyes.
“Not a couple, just really good friends.” I said and the guys agreed. Heather took her place next to Justin and he wrapped an arm around her shoulders. She wrapped hers around his waist and replaced her hand in mine.
“She’s like our little sister.” Justin said as I looked over to Johnny Guilbert holding his camera. Johnny and I were pretty tight. Sure Bryan was cool but Johnny and I just seemed to connect better.
“Alright well nice to meet you Heather. Im Bryan.” He said and held out a hand to her. She unwrapped herself from Justin and gave him her hand.
“Its lovely to meet you.”
“Ok. Tell me what its like to be touring with Sleeping with Sirens.”
“Well Its been great so far actually. Ive been blessed to have been given an opportunity to meet such amazing guys like them. They make me feel at home.”
“Yea thats always nice. We hear you and Kellin met on a plane. Can you tell us a little about that?” Bryan smiled and held his mic out.
“Actually, she like came on the plane and we told the pilots that we were going to drive and they were like…sure.” I started and laughed with everyone else.
“No. I offered her to sit with me. This lady behind her was throwing a fit and there were like no seats left. We ended up talking about this book that she was reading.” I said.
“Cool cool. So we hear that your going to be helping write some songs with them. Anything in the works currently?” Bryan asked.
“Not yet, i’m still warming up to the guys a little bit and trying to get into the flow of things before I let my mind wonder to lyrics. They have to have a reason, a meaning.” Heather said. I nodded my head at her words in understanding as I looked down at our hands.
“What about you guys. Are you all ok with Heather being around?”
“What kind of question is that?” Jesse asked from the corner with his glasses on and a solo cup in his hand, raising a laugh from the rest of us. His usual stance for interviews that made all interviewers feel uncomfortable when they were around us but…they kind of half expected it so we just let him do his thing.
“We love her. Already. Its been what…a week and were already clinging to her like she's always been a part of us.” Jesse said.
“Yea she's easy to like. Easy to feel comfortable around.”Gabe said stepping over and ruffling her hair.
“Quit that man.” she laughed.
The rest interview went on forever it seemed like. I don’t know exactly what my hurry was. Maybe it was the promise of doing something, anything with Heather. I felt so…confused. Not confused about how I felt about Heather but how I even had the thought to love her after Katelynn. I was so infuriated. I felt sad and angry and in love and healthy. I was so filled with emotion but of course only one side tugged at me the most and thats Heather. She…treats me right. I could never imagine the words that Katelynn would say to me not only over the phone but during our whole relationship, to ever come out of Heathers mouth for any reason. As friends, as a couple, during good times or bad. I just cant picture it or hear it in my head. It doesn't match her personality.
I felt it kind of odd that I felt like I knew everything about her simply because of the little things she does. Not that that cant perfectly describe someone. I don't think a longer length of time makes any difference. She's like an open book. From making breakfast every morning for me and the boys, to telling us about being homeless after losing her mother and being stabbed almost to death. All of these bad things and still she chose to take care of us. To take care of me. Like all day yesterday and all night. She was literally taking care of me.
Suddenly I remembered snappy at her last night when she put in the movie. I shot my head up. What if I triggered it…her nightmare. Maybe…maybe someone used to talk to her like that. She looked over at me and I realized I had tightened my grip on her hand. I let go and looked to Bryan.
“I need to take a break. Im sorry.” I said and walked away. I walked as far enough away as would make me out of their view and hid behind some other bands tour bus. I kelt down and wrapped my hands around the back of my neck. I knew I was stressing self out. I always try to keep my stress as low as possible because it makes me have anxiety attacks and I really couldn't afford that right now.
“Kellin?” I heard Heather call out.
“Kellin where'd you go?” She called once more. I stood and went around the corner of the bus.
“Heather.” I said and waited for her to come to me as I went back around the corner sliding down to the ground.
“Hey. Whats wrong are you ok?” She asked kneeling down in front of me. I patted the spot next to me and she sat.
“Im sorry. Im just really stressed out.” I admitted. She raised a hand and lightly wrapped it around my own.
“Talk to me.” She said and I was reminded of us in the back of the bus after Katelynn had called. Or lack there of.
“I need your advice.” I said.
“Ok. What is it?” She asked.
“What if theres someone I like and…I feel like I cant be with them because its too soon after Katelynn?” I asked. I felt her hand loosen and then tighten again. I looked over at her and let more out.
“I mean. I don't even know why I feel this way! I should want to be with this other person. She's nothing but wonderful to me. She's a million times better than Katelynn could ever be. After the heartache I went through, shouldn't I want what makes me happy? Shouldn't I be STRIVING to get what I deserve?” I looked her dead in the eyes basically pouring my heart out to her ABOUT her and I hoped she knew.
“I think you should. You'll regret missing an opportunity that was right in your face the whole time. Don't ever second guess yourself and don't waste your own time. Go get her. And love her like…like you've never loved anything else. You don't know when she will be gone. When your opportunity is missed.” She said and started standing. She held out a hand in front of her and helped me up. Let go. And then never reconnected them. And thats when I knew. She didn't know it was her.

Notes

Sorry, Again with the fillers. The next couple should be more interesting :) Enjoy!