The place I was. The place I am. The place I want to be.

FLASHBACK:

“Go on Heather, eat your food.” My dad said. Tonight was…unopened burgers from the trash can behind McDonalds. The rain poured heavily around us as we sat under a bridge somewhere unfamiliar. The place we had been staying had been ransacked by other homeless people looking for anything useful. They took everything. Our blankets, our stock of food. That was all but it was everything we had to help us survive. I looked at my burger and stood, tossing it over to him and left the bridge. I put my hood up on my already tattered jacket and walked to the city. I was tired. I was hungry. I wanted out of this rain and into somewhere warm. I wanted a home where I could stay.
My walk took me all over the city. I didn't have any specific place I wanted to go but I needed to clear my mind of something I hadn't thought about in a few years. At 15, it sucked being homeless, having a father that didn't really care what happened to me. I wished I could be sitting at our kitchen table when we had our home. Sitting with my Mom and Dad having a meal and laughing together. I went to school. I had good grades and I had friends. Until…My mom got in a car accident. My mind replayed back to the day when I got pulled out of my Chemistry class. When I walked to the office with two officers. I thought I was in trouble. They sat me down in the office and let a lady come in and tell me that my mom was in the accident and she didn't make it.
I broke…how could I not? I felt everything crash one at a time. My eyes closed. My head fell. My throat went try and my eyes watered sending my shoulders shaking uncontrollably forward. My hands lifted and covered my face and I just let it out. They left me for a few minutes to unload. But I couldn't stay there any longer. I got up and walked out, passed them and out the doors until I got to my house. Before I turned the knob I heard my father scream. I heard him cry out my mothers name. I heard glass shatter, chairs being thrown and all I did was turn around and sit on the ground in front of the door and letting tears break me once again.
I flipped back to reality and my walk through the city when I noticed I was standing in front of the mission. To be honest I was scared to enter. I knew that there weren't many homeless kids like myself. They were all older and scared nothing more than to make sure that they and only they survive. I looked back to the way I had come and decided I deserved a better life than that.
“Miss, do you need some help?” I heard from in front of me and I turned around sharply.
“Um…I…” I stuttered and turned back to look again at the way I had come and debated on going to get my dad and bring him here.
“Are you hungry? We just finished making dinner.” The lady said. I turned toward her and smiled. She was a bigger woman. African American and proud of it. I admired her clothes. They were clean and colorful. And she smelled like vanilla and cookies. I imagined hugging her and taking a deep breath in.
“Im really hungry but I don’t want to…be a burden.” I admitted and looked down.
“Oh don’t be silly child. Get your skinny butt in here and get you some dinner.” She said and grabbed my hand pulling me gently inside the building.
“Whats your name darlin?” She asked as we passed others. They stared at me, some looking angry, others waving happily, and others who looked scared, maybe first timers here like myself.
“Heather.” I said as I kept my eyes glued to the people around me. I smiled to a few who were smiling at me and waved at a little girl I saw sitting with what looked to be her mother. They both smiled and waved back.
“Well Heather. Heres your plate. Just go through the line and then we can go sit and talk, sound alright?” She asked and I nodded my head. I would have cried looking at all the food that was out but I kept my cool and filled my plate with as much as I could before going to the table where the lady was, and set my plate down next to her.
“My name is Dottie. And ill have you know that Ive been exactly where you are now when I was just as old as you. How old are you?”
“15. But my Birthday is on Friday.” The lady shook her head and smiled at me.
“Im sorry you have to go through this. Im not going to ask how you got to where you are now but I am going to tell you that you can come to me for anything that you need. Im here everyday.” Dottie said. I looked down at my plate already emptying.
“I hadn't planned on going back to my dad. He’s under the bridge just down the street. Im not planning on staying like this much longer. Is there anyway you can help me? Maybe get a job or something small to make myself look presentable?” I asked. I wasn't sure what I wanted to do. All I knew is that I needed to make something of myself or at least pave a way for self to get there. And thats just what she did for me. She found me a job and she helped me save money, and she taught me everything she could about keeping my life under control so as not to sink back into my past state. Before I knew it, she had adopted me and put me back in high school. She helped me make a life for myself. She got me to college which I experienced by going to the local community college and got my degree in art and music. I went back and took some college courses and furthered my experience. Dottie meant the world to me and I knew for a fact that my mom had sent her down for me from heaven. Thats what she meant to me anyway.
But in between that mess, I made my choice to find my dad and get him back up on his feet. Fortunately I found him, still snuggled under the same bridge I had left him. A soggy cardboard sign laid on the ground in front of him, the words SPARE SOME CHANGE smearing down onto the street. By this time I was proud of myself. 18 with a job and an education that I thought I would never have. I wanted my dad to be there to come to my graduation. To have dinner with me and be happy. To walk me down the isle when my time came to find love.
I knelt down in front of him and touched his arm as he slept. His eyes opened slightly and he smiled softly.
“Heather.”
“Hi daddy.” I said. Suddenly his eyes got big and he tried to warn me before I was being dragged away, a hand covering my mouth as I screamed. I kicked and flailed as much as I could.
“DAD!!!! HELP ME!!!!”
“Shut up you little brat!” the guys circling around me said. I screamed more and tried to get away but one by one these homeless men were wrapping their hands and arms around me slowly pulling me along. Cars were driving by honking at the scene but never stopping until a cop rolled up.
“Hey! Hands off the girl! Stand down before I shoot!” But it was too late. One of the men shoved a knife into my gut. I could feel the fire where it entered. The lava oozing out and staining my shirt.
“No! Heather!!”
“Heather!!”
“Heathe…”
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~end~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

“Heather, Heather wake up.” I heard and shot up, my breathing coming faster and faster as I woke. I put my hand on my stomach and tried to relax. I was so hot, my body covered in a sheen of sweat.
“Hey hey its alright. Relax.” Kellin tried to sooth. But I was hyperventilating.
“Im-gonna-throw up.” I said in between breaths standing and running to the bathroom. Kellin was right behind me holding my hair back as I threw my memories up into the toilet.
“Hey man is she ok?” Justin said sleepily.
“Im not sure. I think so. Can you get her some water? Maybe even a wet rag. Please.” Kellin asked and Justin walked away into the kitchen.
“Im sorry Kellin.” I cried. I didn't want to cry. This was something that I had always thought about. That whenever I did, I looked back and remembered all the good that game out of something so bad. I was normally happy when I thought about my time with my dad. But for some reason, everything was just hitting me from every angle. So when Justin returned with my drink and rag after I brushed my teeth, I let Kellin help me back to the couch and I recited everything to him and Justin that I had just thought of. Everything that was in my past. I let loose.
Soon it was 4 am and Kellin and Justin needed more sleep. So I got up and made myself some coffee, stepping out of the bus and sat at a picnic table across the gravel street.
“Need some company?” I looked behind me and Jesse crossed the street, his own cup of coffee in hand and sat across from me as we smiled at each other.
“I heard what you were saying. Your story. You've come a long way.” He said into the quiet. It was still dark making this more relaxing. I looked down to my coffee and nodded.
“I know. Im proud of myself. But…I don't know. For some reason, my past is hitting me a lot harder than usual. Its so vivd whenever I think about it. It sucked but…I wouldn't trade it for the world.” I said. Jesse quietly chuckled and shook his head.
“If only Kellin heard you say that.” He said.
“What? Why?” I asked.
“Because…Kellin didn't exactly have it as hard as you but…he lost someone that he put his heart and soul into. Im sure you know his dad left him when he was little.” I looked back to the bus where I could picture Kellins sleeping form on the bed I made for us last night and instantly wished I was next to him.
“I didn't know that…” I whispered.
“His mom is amazing but as a boy you need that strong person to show you respect. Someone to look up to. Not that his mom didn't do the job right because look at him now. It makes me think that had anything been different he wouldn't be the person he is today.” Jesse thought out loud almost talking to himself as well as me now.
“I don’t want him to change. I cant imagine him any other way.” I said.
“Yea…anyway, Kellin would have said exactly what you said. It sucked for him to not have a dad but hes glad it happened that way because maybe he would have never gotten where he is today. You guys are just strong people. The rest of us guys, we had it easy. Both parents, always a home, money, food, anything we could possibly need times like 3. Im just glad you guys met. Its hard to share emotions with Kellin sometimes because we don't know what its like but having you will give him that balance that he's been looking for. Not to mention a better understanding for us other guys. We don't want to sympathize. We just want to understand.”
Listening to Jesse talk calmed me down. It helped me to realize that helping someone within my own pain was exactly what Kellin was doing with his music. The guys could play it and sing along but it didn't compare to how it was making Kellin feel as his lyrics came out of his mouth and blasted into others’ ears. Im just glad i’m able to help him cope with a life that he got stuck with and had to struggle to make better. Just as he did for me when their first album came out.
“Im glad i’m able to do for him what he's done for me. You guys saved my life during a time when I thought that all my efforts had been for nothing. So thank you.” I said and smiled to him sipping my coffee. He shook his head and smiled.
“Ill never get used to that.” he said and took a sip of his coffee. I smiled and stood.
“Alright, I guess I better go try and get to sleep. You should to. Big day tomorrow.” I walked back to the bus with Jesse on my heals. I set my mug down on the counter and walked back over to Kellin whispering “goodnight” over my shoulder to Jesse. Lifting the covers, I laid next to him trying not to wake him.
“Everything ok?” He mumbled, his face turned to the wall.
“Yea i’m ok now.” I said. He turned over and faced me as I situated myself on my back.
“Can I see?” He asked. I knew he was talking about my scar. Of the Knife mark, of the marks that meant surgery and the promise of a knew kidney since it had been punctured. I had internal bleeding and almost died on my way to the hospital. I didn't really have much thought of that as I was unconscious for most of it. Getting told wasn't exactly the easiest but I was glad I had been saved.
I shoved the blanket away and pulled up my shirt revealing the pick scars that had healed most of the way. He sat up on his elbow and I watched his eyes roam across my stomach.
“Jeez.” He said and set gently trickled his fingers over the marks. Until he found my bad ones. My bad marks. The ones that came from my lost childhood. The ones that I would have rather let bleed so I could die than to sew up and have to keep living the life I was. His fingers glided over those as well and I felt my cheeks fire up.
“Still puckered.” He whispered and looked into my eyes. I yanked my shirt down and looked away.
“Never healed correctly.” I whispered. But his hand was on mine, holding down my shirt.
“Don’t cover them.” He said lifting my shirt again. “They’re beautiful.” He whispered one last time and bent down and kissed them. I could feel chills rise on my body as his lips graced my skin and I shivered. He smiled and chuckled lightly lifting up from my stomach and pulling my shirt down.
“Goodnight Heather.” He said and kissed my cheek before turning back over.
“Night.” I breathed out and pulled my shirt down again, pulling the covers over me as I closed my eyes.
Goodnight Kellin. Goodnight Dottie. Goodnight past.

Notes

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