|June 2014|

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I flicked through the endless photos that were stored on my phone of my old life. The life that contained Ellie. I may be Ellie on the inside, but on the outside, I’m no longer her. Ever since I got my name changed, I made it obvious to dumped everything that contained Ellie away.

I stopped at a particular video and smiled. I hit play:

“Are you sure about this?” David asked as he held the phone, the camera pointing my way.

“I’m totally ready.” I smile, resting my elbows on my guitar. Musical instruments were littered all around me. two Synths, a keyboard, an electric guitar, my computerthat I count as an instrument, and of course the acoustic guitar in my arms.

“Okay, recording in three…..two…..one….you’re on!” I smiled at the camera.

“My name is Ellie and I have a musical project under the title of LIGHTS.” I said proudly. “I'm a small girl who dwells in Long Beach. I make music with a computer and a couple sweet synths. I also play whatever other sound makers I can get my pincers on.” I saw David mouthing the word Pincers at me.

“Making music has been my crutch slash drug slash vent slash vice for my whole life. Most of what you hear starts, and is often finished, in my room, wherever that may be, I relocate like a hermit crab. When I write songs I think about how my music makes people feel, and I hope that when it goes into your ears you feel happy. Not sexy happy but apple pie happy.” David began laughing and I started chuckling with him. He wiped the corner of his mouth as saliva began dripping. I playfully rolled my eyes.

“If I'm sad then the last thing I want is to be made even more sad by music. If my music could be drawn I would picture it like a comic, with simple border lines and bright colors. On first glance there is a nice composition, but upon closer inspection there is a deeper story.” I took a nervous intake of air. I have never felt so nervous. I’m just putting myself out there, for the hope of people will be excited for this.

“When performing live, I could do everything myself if I were a squid, but I am only a hermit crab and I only have two arms. So there are two dashing musicians that join me on stage named Maurie and Adam. And of course my idiotic brother who’s filming this, who you all may know, David Schmitt.”

“From Breathe Carolina,” David speaks while nodding his head in a approving way.

“Yes, from Breathe Carolina. I am the littlest one on stage. But that only means that there is more stellar packed into each square inch. After a long time in the lab, I am finally releasing my first album The Listening. This world is a little dark, and I am LIGHTS.” and David cuts the video.

“Are you ready for me to upload this?” he asks as he hooks my phone to his computer. Am I ready? I could just continue to make EP’s. but would that even get me anywhere?

Or could I upload this video and finally get the chance I’ve been looking for?

I stared at the phone and then back at all my equipment. What if my band doesn’t get anywhere? I could have this to fall back on. I could have this to save other lives just as they saved mines.

The choice is clear.

“Upload.”

I smiled and flicked to the next photo which was of my getting sword tattooed on my arm:

“Does it hurt?” Max asked as he spun around on the spinny chair.

“Eh? Only a little,” and by a little I mean a lot. Every time they etched the tip into my wrist, I would bite the inside of my cheek. My mom wasn’t necessarily happy that I would be 21 doing tours with a sword tattooed on my arm. But it’s whatever.

She went ballistic when she found out I secretly got the back of my arms tattooed when I was 17.

I couldn’t really cope with anyone or anything since my dad passed. I usually spent my days and nights at Austin’s house. Austin was a pretty nice guy. I was there for him when his mom passed and I guess, he was there for me.

“What made you decide to get a sword?”

“Warrior smart, warrior strong.”

“Hey L,” I looked up and saw David giving me a smile. “We’re here at the Kick Off party. All Time Low’s here.” My face fell even further and I just sulked back against the chair. Now I really couldn’t leave the bus.

Although it’s been two years since I’ve seen Alex, I still can’t forget it. Warped 2012.

Something I need to forget.

I viciously shook my head.

“Look, if he still likes you, it shouldn’t matter. You’ve been dating Beau for a little less than a year now. I mean, just take a guitar and go sit somewhere. But, please, get off the bus,” He said. I sighed and stared at the ground. I didn’t want to leave my safe haven to be surrounded by other people who would do nothing but give me the sympathy look. I didn’t want to leave this comfort, this protection being inside the bus gave me. “L, get off the bus.” He said sternly. When I looked up, he had a guitar and a wireless charger in hand. “Ellie, get off this bus or so help me God, the one thing I will say will make this so much worse.” I stared at his eyes and for once, I was actually afraid of what he might say. “Ellie, Of-”

“Okay, okay. I’m going.” I mumbled, standing up and snatching the two items from his hands. I didn’t know what he was going to say and quite frankly, I don’t think I want to know.

I grabbed my shades and put them on my face and walked outside. David walked after me and locked the bus behind him and walked in the opposite direction. I slipped the guitar on its strap and threw it around my shoulders and to my back.

As I turned around, I cowered back in fear as I gasped. I turned aback around to go back on the bus, but saw David used the key lock and not the passcode lock. I want my safe haven back. I don’t want to be out here.

“Ellie?” adrenaline shot throughout my body and my heart started pumping at the sound of his voice. I could hear his footsteps come closer and I started looking for my escape route. “Ellie, wait,” I ran. I ran so fast. I couldn’t be near him. Not now.

I ran around the bus and up the ladder to the top of the bus. As I climbed up, I threw my shades and I heard them hit him in the face.but that didn’t stop him because I heard him still climbing after me. I ran to the top as fast as I could and backed towards the edge.

“Ellie, please,” I closed my eyes.

“So help me God, if you don’t leave, I’ll jump,” I threatened.

“I just wanna talk-”

“I’m not ready to talk! Just go!” I yelled, fresh tears pouring form my already teary eyes. I can’t talk. Talking won’t bring any of them back. If it would, I would talk about it every single day if it meant making this hole in my chest go away. If it would stop the crying at night and the self-indulgence of pain go away.

“We used to be so close, I just wanna help-” I shook my head and took nine deep breaths to keep myself from screaming.

“You have five seconds before I fall backwards off this bus Shayley.”

“Ellie, please,”

“Five,” I actually don’t care if I were to fall backwards. In a way, Shayley isn’t doing anything but a favor to me.

“Don’t do this,” He pleaded, taking a step towards me.

“Four,” I warned.

“Ellie,”

“That’s not my name anymore, three,” I took a step backwards.

“Then what is your name? Talk to me!” He yelled.

“Two,” I took two more steps backwards until the tip of my feet were the only thing keeping me grounded on the bus.

“Lights, your name is Lights isn’t it? From your solo career.” I could hear his voice shaking as he saw that I was dead serious.

“One,” I held my arms out as I felt the air whipping my hair about.

“Please,”

“Zero.” I closed my eyes.

“Ellie,”

“Bye Shayley,” I let myself fall off the edge of the bus.

“Ellie, no!”

Notes

Next chapter is in progress as we speak.