|June 2014|

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I stared back at him as he stared back at me. No words were exchanged. None needed to be. Blue eyes vs. brown eyes. Plus the rest of them staring at me.

“What-”

“Don’t, just don’t.”

“Well.” He huffed “Explain why you just happened to fall in my arms from an at least fifteen foot drop.” Tyler said while crossing his arms. “And why David’s guitar hit me in the head.” He looked at me suggestively while rubbing the back of his head.

“I told Shayley if he wouldn’t leave, then I would jump.” I crossed my legs and closed my eyes.

“I should tell your brother,” he said.

“What am I a suicidal twelve year old?” I snap. Wow. I decided to jump off a bus, let’s go ballistic. “Last time I checked, I was 27 and three months, one week, five days, 4 hours, 9 minutes and 28…29….30 seconds old.” I huffed.

“You won’t be satisfied until you kill yourself.”

“Touché.” I smiled to myself as I cozied my butt on their couch. The rest of the members of Issues just giggled.

“You think this is funny?!” Michael Bohn started laughing as well as Scout and his brother. Tyler turned around and glared at them. “YOU THINK THIS IS FUNNY?!

“Ty, calm down,” he turned around and I had to smile to keep from laughing. His face has turned red and his eyes looked wild. “If I wanted to kill myself, I would’ve been done it.”

“You-you-y-y-y,” He faced palm himself as he took a deep breath.

“Oh! I forgot. Thank you for catching me.” I smiled.

“That’s it,” he walked towards me and grabbed me by the wrist.

“Whoa, hey now.” A smirk formed its way on my face. “Hey now, I’m rock star,” I began singing the oddly familiar tune.

“Shut it.” Tyler said as he dragged me off the bus. “There’s a party tonight and I want you to not be falling off of tour buses.”

---

Turns out, he kept me under server lock and key on the bus. He had Scout keep an eye on me. But it didn’t bother me. Well, it bother me a lot actually because I couldn’t self-indulge in my own pithiness without Scout tending to my every move.

It’s not like I need a baby-sitter. If I wanted to kill myself, I think I would’ve surely done it. But there’s no reason to. I mean no harm to myself or anyone around me. sometimes I don’t fully think.

And I think that’s the concept of losing someone you love. Once they’re gone, you don’t fully understand the concept to live your daily life anymore. Everything I had is gone. My band, my family, my whole life.

And I think that one thing that scares me the most is seeing him again. Everything was right between us, even after we broke up. I don’t know how he dealt with it or still deals with it, but I know that it probably feels a thousand times worse.

The only reminder that this happened was on my hips, a self-destruction of my own creation that I actually have no recall of memory of doing. I have no recall of living the past six months.

Everyone loves and dies. And I know this from way too much experience. Every person I ever loved died. Chris (my cousin) my dad, Daniel, Mitch, Max, Matthew, I mean, how many people need to die before I’m next? David? Beau? My……my mom?

“Hey, I know you’re hurting.” Scout finally spoke. His voice wasn’t as deep as I thought it was. Deeper than Tyler’s though.Although I don’t know Scout, he is the quietest amongst the members of Issues. He’s the DJ player while his loud and curly hair brother is the bass player.
And he has amazing skin. It’s all tan and brown and beautiful.

Scout took a seat across from me. The booth we’re sitting at has cup holders made into the table and was wide enough to fit one to a seat. My bus never had that. “But it’s going to be okay.” He spoke calmly. I couldn’t even begin to describe how piss it makes me when someone says that. ‘It’s going to be okay.’ ‘They’re in a better place.’

They’re not in a better place because if they were in a better place, they would be with me. Max living his dream and Matthew living his life. That’s the better place. Living is a better place than not living.

“How dare-” I began but he cut me off.

“My brother and I,” Was all he said. “You’re not the only one Lights. Thousands die every day. Of course it’s tragic. You lose someone so close and dear heart to you, but, the world goes on. Yeah, you had a reason to change your name. You had a reason to leave your old life, but it doesn’t give you a reason to stop. Living.” He gives me a smile. But he wasn’t done.

“There are millions of fans out there, whether they were fans of your band or are fans of Lights, either way, they’re fans of you. They support and love the beautiful woman whose name is Ellie. They feel pain when you feel pain because your music helps them through and without your music to help them, they have no motive to go on.

But you do. And they are your motive. You don’t know how thankful I am to go up on that stage and see those thousands of fans who support me, my brother and my band. Because without Tyler and Michael’s intentions of moving on after Woe, Is Me, I wouldn’t be living, right here, right now.

You need to live this year. You need to go and make amends and have fun because you’re only 27, three months, one week, five days, five hours, 29 minutes, 45..46…47 seconds old and life is too short. You need to pick that guitar up, make music again, and make those fans happy.

Start living again so they can start feeling alive again.”

Notes