When we got home, Cleo raced towards the kitchen, picking up the sounds of pots and pans. There was also a pair of familiar and slightly tattered red Vans next to a heap of luggage and guitar cases.

Jaime was home.

I found myself rushing to the kitchen as well where I found Cleo in the arms of Jaime, their faces buried in each other’s shoulders. It was a sight that always made want to cry a little bit because there were times where she threw tantrums due to him being away and the picture of them hugging made up for all the empty promises we made to her.

“Daddy,” she giggled as he spun her around. “I missed you.”

“I missed you too, my jellybean princess,” he chuckled and it felt so good to hear that voice in real life instead of over the phone or through Skype. He stroked her soft curls lovingly, twisting his finger through a ringlet like the way he did when she was a baby.

He looked up and I met his eyes. He still looked the same, if not a bit more solid from all the fancy European cuisine he’d been having. Like a wire that was pulling me closer to him, I went over to him as he put Cleo down and crashed me into his arms.

“Hey,” he whispered.

“You’re home,” I breathed. I hit his shoulder lightly. “You said you’d be landing tonight.”

“I wanted to surprise you both,” he replied. “And I couldn’t stand to be away from you guys any longer.”

---

“So how are Tony and the guys?” I asked. The three of us were huddled on the couch watching Tangled, which was almost over. Cleo and Jaime had made pizza since she pointed out that he wasn’t there to try hers when she and Austin had made some.

“They were glad to get back home. We had a great time and stuff but it’s nice to be home with you and Cleo,” he answered. “I missed you guys so much, you have no idea.”

“We missed you more,” Cleo challenged playfully as she hugged Squidgy tighter. She was feeling much better compared to yesterday. Maybe it was the type of sickness you got when you missed someone. A sickness that rooted from the heart.

“I don’t know how I’m going to get through another tour,” he muttered quietly. Cleo wasn’t paying attention to hear that. But I did.

“Another tour?” I repeated.

He shook his head. “I’ll tell you later.”

I couldn’t relax as the rest of the movie rolled on. It’s not that I minded that he was going on tour again—he couldn’t help it—but I didn’t like it when he just sprung that on me. each time he was away, I would stay up worrying, hoping that he would be okay and wouldn’t get lost trying to find the venue of the concert he would be playing in.

And the worst part was that I would just miss him. We’ve been on the opposite sides of the world from one another and it still sucked to be miles away from each other. Cleo hated it too. I hated telling her where her dad was because it was only a reminder of how far away he was and she hated that when it was ‘bring your dad to school day’, she couldn’t. Thankfully Austin had agreed to go in his place, because I guess he was the next best thing. The sad truth was that she was growing up without her real dad and didn’t deserve that.

“Cleo, it’s time to get ready for bed,” I said once the movie was over. “Change into your PJ’s and I’ll ready you a story soon, okay?”

“Can Daddy read to me, please?” she asked with an enchanting smile.

I glanced at him and he shrugged. “Of course, sweetie,” I replied and with that she made her way upstairs, holding onto Squidgy.

He let out a sigh after a few minutes of silence. “I should have told you sooner, Luce.”

I replied with my own loud sigh. “When are you going?”

“Next week.”

“What? You just home today and you’re gonna leave again?” Usually there was at least a three weeks’ gap between each tour.

He ran his hand through his hair. “It’s what I always do,” he answered flatly.

I had nothing to say to that so I got off the couch, taking the plates and glasses we used to eat with to the kitchen so I could load them in the dishwasher. Despite the absent of harshness in his voice, the words implied it. Another month or so without him. It was no big deal according to him.

“Luce,” he said from behind me. “Let’s talk about this.”

“What is there to say? It’s what you always do anyway. You said it yourself,” I retorted, not facing him.

“I didn’t mean it like that,” he replied, his voice softer. “I meant…I meant—“

“Meant what?” I interjected, turning around to look at him. He was leaned against the fridge, his hand behind his neck sheepishly.

“You know I hate leaving you guys. I spend more time on the road than with my own family. I should be saying goodnight to Cleo in person, not through the phone.” He paused a bit, looking around. “Maybe I should just leave. You’re…you’re both better off without me.”

I could feel something inside of my slip as he uttered those words. I felt numb and cold. Suddenly what we had, all those memories of love and laughter, didn’t mean a thing to him.

“Lucinda, believe me when I say that I didn’t want this to happen,” he explained quietly. “But, it’s for the best. I’m always going to go on tours away from home. I’m going to miss seeing Cleo grow up and I already have for quite some time. We need to stop thinking that this could work because it won’t.”

“You want us to split up?” I asked, the words barely audible. It was like I wasn’t even talking, my voice just blurted it out. I grasped the corner of the island counter because I could feel myself sinking. Jaime would always catch me when I felt like that.

But I guess I was wrong.

“I…it’s for the best. I’m barely there anyway. If I’m gone for good, I don’t think it will be that much of a difference. I’ll send money to support Cleo but I just don’t see any good in this. We’ve been fooling ourselves for ten years or so. We rushed into this way too soon and I’m sorry. It’s not fair on you or Cleo.”

“Do you think it’s fair that I have to raise our daughter by myself while you’re somewhere halfway across the world? Do you think it’s fair that Cleo never sees you? Jaime, there are a lot of things that are unfair about this whole situation but the most unfair out of all of that is that you think it’s best to leave when things become difficult,” I countered, a toxic mix of sadness, anger and frustration.

“Then what am I supposed to do? Quit the band, is that what you want me to do?” he shot back, raising his voice. “I don’t want to leave you two but this is the only option I have.”

“And you really think that?”

We stood facing each other, my words hanging in the air. This distance and strain was painful but we were only drifting further apart. Of course we had our fights—we were not perfect—but we weren’t like this either. We knew what we signed up for. Or so I thought. We seemed like a waste.

We were a waste.

I had to get out because breathing seemed to be impossible around him. I rushed for the door, pushing past him as if his body was limp and lifeless. I could hear him mumble out my name, trying to reach for me but I barely felt it. If he wanted to run, why shouldn’t I?

---

I found myself knocking on a familiar door after driving down a familiar road. I needed to clear my head and road trips made me focus my driving rather than what was going on in my head.

I wrung my hands anxiously as I waited for the door to open up. After twenty minutes of cruising around the city, I had no other place to go that to Austin’s. With Layla out of town, I didn’t have anyone else to talk to.

I was about to knock again but then the door swung open, revealing a heavily tattooed, lanky and muscly man who I had known for half my life.

“Hey,” Austin smiled. “Didn’t know you were coming,” he added, not unkindly.

I waited for a reply to come out of me but nothing did. I stood there frozen, not knowing what to do or say.

“Lucinda,” he said. The early traces of his smile were gone and had turned into a more serious and concerned expression. “Where’s Cleo? Is she okay? Are you okay?”

I looked at him, staring into his gentle and caring eyes. But they weren’t anything like Jaime’s, which were the ones I craved. I felt myself breaking, letting the walls collapse that I’d been holding up all this time. My vision grew blurry with tears. “No,” I shook my head, my voice breaking like glass. “I’m not.”

“Lucie,” he murmured, gently pulling me closer to him before trapping me in one of his almighty-Austin hugs of his. They would always make me feel better, but even this wasn’t working. Because a broken heart couldn’t be fixed so easily, let alone be mended with just a hug. With the height difference between us, I felt small in his arms. To be honest, it was a nice change from always having to be the bigger one, carrying most of the load.

“What happened?” he asked, setting me down on his couch with his long arm around my shoulders while rubbing circles on my back as I stained his shirt with small, wet blotches. He didn’t seem to mind when Cleo would drool all over him as she was teething, so this probably seemed like nothing to him.

I opened my mouth, waiting for the words to come out, but the sobs came out first. I was a mess, an emotional nuclear bomb.

“Take your time,” he said gently, rubbing my shoulder as I continued to cry. I was very grateful to have a friend like Austin. He was sweet, kind and always looked out for me, even back in high school. He was there when I needed someone to talk or when I was bored and looking for something pass the time. I looked out for him as well, especially when his mom passed away. I’d always seen Austin as someone who was so strong and positive, a rock for people to hold on to, but when his mom’s death was a reminder that friendship was a two way street—they needed you just as much as you needed them.

As my tears subsided into slowly and slightly uneven breathing, his phone began to ring. Without unlatching me from his hold, he took his phone out of his jean pocket, revealing the caller ID. Jaime.

“Do you want me to answer it?” he asked quietly.

I gave him a small shrug. “If you want.”

He sighed, sliding the reject button and tossing his phone on the coffee table.

“He’s leaving,” I confided, wiping away the remaining tears from my eyes.

“Another tour?” he asked. “Didn’t you say that he was coming back from one today?”

“He wants to split up,” I said as the fight we had replayed in my head. I pursed my lip to keep it from quivering and held back the tears.

I could feel him shake his head. “No, he doesn’t mean that,” Austin consoled. “He can’t mean that. I mean—he loves you and Cleo. You two are his life. That’s so unlike him. Maybe he’s just under a lot of stress from touring and stuff and just made a really rash decision. I’ll talk to him and see if he changes his mind and—“

“Austin,” I interrupted, patting his hand. “I know you mean well but he…he means it.”

“No, Lucie you can’t just give up like that,” he protested.

I shook my head. “But he’s right. He’s almost never home and we barely see him when he is. There’ll always be another tour, another concert, another album, another day away from home. He said that it was for the best and it probably is. We can’t make this work if we’re absent from one another all the time.” my voice began to tremble but I continued. “He asked if I wanted him to leave the band. I didn’t tell him my answer—how could I? Even though it was frustrating how he was never home because of it, I didn’t want him to give up what he loved doing because of me and Cleo. He can’t let go of his dream or that would make me sound so selfish. I…Austin, I…”

I couldn’t finish what I was going to say but I guess I didn’t need to. He said it was for the best. Who knew the best option would hurt the most. All I knew was that in order to let Jaime pursue what he really wanted, I would have to let go of what I wanted, which was him.

Notes

awwww :(

sorry for the wait and sucky short chapter

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