“Okay. Whatever. Bye.” Vic came over on the couch beside me, huffing out a deep sigh.

“Everything okay?” I asked.

He tossed away his phone on the adjacent seat. “I ended things with Stacy,” he answered. Stacy was his girlfriend and they had been together for quite a while, almost a year. She was nice enough but hogged Vic whenever we were all hanging out together. She always had a hand on his arm, as if he was dog on a leash. Whenever he was on the phone with her, we could hear her incessant complaints and whines. She drove us crazy but we respected the fact that he was into her. Well, I guess that wasn’t the case anymore.

“I’m sorry, man,” I told him, trying to offer something consoling.

“It was bound to happen anyway,” he replied. “Like we’re always going on tour, always away from home. She hated that and couldn’t deal so we just ended it. I don’t even know how you and Lucinda pull through.”

Her name echoed in my head like my favourite song. I had gotten a surprise call from her and our daughter, Cleo. It was the first call in probably three weeks. The times zones were crazy, and they’d be awake while I was asleep and vice versa, so we never had time to call or anything. I missed them so much. I craved Cleo’s warm hugs and the nights when we’d watch her favourite movie, Disney’s Tangled, and sing along to the songs. Each time I came back home, she would have grown a little bit, looking slightly different. As proud as I was of her, I couldn’t help but feel that I wasn’t there enough to be an active part of her childhood.

Luce was a whole new story. She was the girl of my teenage dreams. She was beautiful with an olive complexion to her skin. Her hair spilled out in chocolate curls and her eyes were captivating and alluring. I remember how hard it was to fall asleep back in high school because the thought of her ran through my head like a never ending movie. It was crazy. I was always one of those people who people called confident but her presence made me nervous. I had to make her mine. And I was so stoked when she told me she felt the same thing for me.

Sometimes it’s hard to fall asleep without her beside me when I’m away on tour. Whenever we’re on the bus, I’d have to have a picture of her and Cleo pinned on the wall, so that they’d be the last thing I see before the night pulls me into dreams.

“I miss her so fucking much,” I confided. Vic and the rest of our Pierce the Veil family loved her and Cleo and knew how much they meant to me. If it weren’t for the support of Luce, I wouldn’t have made it into the band. And Cleo was like our fairy who would cheer us up when things weren’t turning out the way we’d hope. She also drew pictures from the photos of us when we were on stage.

“I know you do, buddy. I think the distance is getting the best of all of us,” he chuckled. We were touring in Europe with our friends in Bring Me The Horizon and Issues. It was awesome travelling around Europe but it made me miss home so much. There were a lot of parties to go to and people to meet and all it made me want to do was have a movie marathon with Cleo and Luce. “At least we’ll be on the plane home tomorrow,” he added brightly.

“Only to go back on tour again,” I sighed. We were all flying home to San Diego tomorrow in the afternoon and could rest up for a week and a bit, only to hit the road again for another month.

I hadn’t told Lucinda about it.

Vic shrugged. “Well, what can you do about it? But at least it’s closer to home and it’ll be easier to talk to them.”

“I guess. I just want to get home, you know?”

“I know you do. We just have this tour wrap party to go to and them we’re on our way back to San Diego. It’ll be over before you know it.”

I just want it to be over now.

---

The wrap party was being held at a club in London and was hosted by Oli and the guys. European parties were one big ruckus compared to parties in the States. Nearly everyone was already drunk when we got there and they were still drinking some more. There were people on the dance floor, stumbling around and strangers making out against the wall.

Even though I knew that we should be celebrating the end of a successful tour, I wasn’t in the party mood. I wasn’t feeling like I normally did. Most of the time I used to feel so energetic but I’m so hollow. Of course I was happy and proud of us for making it this far—this was our dream. I wouldn’t trade this for anything. At times it felt so empty though.

And what Vic had said was haunting me. The distance between him and Stacy was what ended things between them. A different night, a different city. Another place in the world, another set of miles away from home. Waking up to a Friday morning when they’re getting ready for a Thursday evening. It made no sense. It never ran smoothly like clockwork.

What if the distance was killing us now?

I loved my daughter and I loved my wife. I travelled around with their picture in my wallet. One of Luce on our wedding day, one of when she was seven months pregnant with Cleo and one of the three of us together when Cleo turned five. I wanted them to be here with me. I wanted us to be a real family. But what kind of husband and father did that make me if I’m not at home with them, kissing them both good night? What does it say about me when I say good night to a photo of them instead of me saying that to them in real life? I wanted to be there and I wasn’t. I barely was nowadays.

Lucinda and Cleo deserved so much better than a husband who’s not there to help her raise their daughter and a Dad who isn’t there to pick her up from school. One day Cleo’s going to be all grown up and I would have missed a lot of it.

This is the reality I’ve always been afraid of having. I went outside from the packed night club, needing the crisp London air to calm me down. The streets were not as loud as the inside of the building and it meant that my heart could hear my thought more easily. I leaned against the wall. I felt tired already.

My phone started ringing and I straightened up, assuming that it must’ve been Tony who had noticed that I was gone. To my surprise, a picture of Lucinda lit up the screen.

“Luce?” I answered. It was half past nine. She never called at this hour—she would be at work. I grew worried.

“Hey,” she replied, her voice sounding as sweet as always. I loved the sound of it and craved it so much. “Is now a bad time?” she asked as I fought to hear her over the white noise of the streets. I guess it would have been worse if I was still in the club.

“It’s never a bad time for you to call,” I told her, resting the back of my head against the wall. “Is everything okay?”

“Cleo’s got a bit of a cold so I took a sick day off from work as well.”

“Is she okay?” I asked. I remembered one time when Cleo was just a year one, she had gotten sick and we were so scared because she seemed in so much pain and there wasn’t anything we could do but wait until she got better. I hated seeing her look hurt.

“She hasn’t got a temperature, only a cough and a bit of a sore throat so it could be just a twenty four hour thing? I hope it is. She wasn’t feeling well last night so I put her into bed early,” she explained. “Do you want to know what she said before I put her into bed?” she added with a chuckle.

“What?” I asked.

“Seeing Daddy will make me feel better.”

Cleo was one of the cutest kids I’ve ever met. Of course there was a lot of bias from me being her dad, but her charm was undeniable. She had the same grace as her mother and would only grow to be more like that as she grew older.

“I can’t wait to see her when I get back,” I said, imagining the looks on her face over the years when I’d come back and the way she’d run to me ever since she was a toddler who waddled on her chubby legs.

“We can’t wait to see you either,” she replied.

“Can I talk to her?”

“I’ll put her on,” she said gently. There was a shuffle of noise until a new phone came on.

“Daddy?” Cleo asked. Her voice was a slightly croaky.

“Hey jellybean,” I replied. “How are you feeling?”

“My throat hurts and I don’t like the taste of the cough medicine. I want ice cream instead but Mommy won’t let me have it until I get better.”

I chuckled. “Sweetie, I know the medicine tastes bad but you gotta take it so you can feel better. Then you can have all the ice cream you want.”

“That’s what Uncle Austin said,” she giggled.

“Uncle Austin is right,” I replied. “I’m coming home tomorrow, remember? Why don’t you take the medicine so you’ll be all better when I get back?”

“Okay, Daddy,” she answered. “I love you.”

My heart melted the first time she said that and it still made me do that now. It was crazy to think how much love a child can have. “I love you too, Cleo. So much.”

“Rapunzel and Flynn are on the boats and the lights are about to come,” she reported excitedly. That was her favourite part of the movie.

“Why don’t you got want and give the phone to Mommy?”

“Okay,” she replied and there was another shuffle of noise as Luce went back on.

“Tangled?” I asked, amused.

“We’re camped on the couch and she’s wrapped in a blanket like a burrito. All her teddy bears are with us, plus Squidgy,” she chuckled.

“Squidgy? Austin never gave her Squidgy when she was little.”

“He let her keep him until she got better. He was here last night after I told him she was feeling unwell. He’s just trying to be a good godfather.”

“I reckon her other godfather will get her a stuff turtle from the airport,” I replied, which made her laugh.

“You guys excited to come home?”

“I think you already know the answer. I’ve had enough of the cold. I want the heat back.”

“Just a few more hours,” she said optimistically. “You’ll be home soon.”

“Yeah,” I breathed. “Are you sure you two are alright?”

“Himes, you know we’ll be fine,” she said but it made me feel a bit sad and lonely because in another situation, it could’ve meant that they’ll be fine without me.

In fact, they might be better off.

“I know,” I answered. “I better get going.”

“Oh, okay,” she said. “I’ll see you soon, alright?”

“Alright,” I agreed. “Wait, Luce.”

“Yeah?”

“I miss you.”

She was quiet for a bit on the other end of the line. “I miss you too. Cleo is sometimes hard to look at because she looks so much like you.”

“She looks more like her mom,” I replied.

“That’s debateable,” she shot back and I could imagine the smile forming on her face. It was imprinted on the back of my brain and it was gratifying yet painful.

Now was the part I hated saying—the goodbye. I’ve said it to her too many times. “I’ll see you,” I murmured.

“Bye,” she replied. “Love you.”

That brought a bitter smile to my face. If I really loved her, would I be leaving her for other places and let her and Cleo live their lives without me? “I love you too,” I answered, regretting the moment when I pressed the end button.

Notes

hope you are having an awesome time wherever you are :D comment/rate/subscribe! i'm sorry that i suck at updating, i've just got a lot going on and it's those times where you wish life had a pause button, you know? however, this too, shall pass ;) love you guys xx