I couldn’t bear looking at her in the eyes. I was lying to her, lying to me. I was the one who said that we’d be alright, that I was never going to leave, but the opposite escaped from my mouth. She was right, I was leaving because things were getting hard. I couldn’t deal with having to leave her and Cleo for months on end. I couldn’t bear waking up to a different place where I should be. I was a coward, and a selfish one. They had my heart—they were my heart—and I was tearing myself from them.

“And you really think that?” Lucinda whispered. I hated when she grew quiet when she was mad, because I knew that I had done something unforgivable. Now that I could barely hear her—it was clear that no amount of reconciliation with her could fix this.

I wanted to say something. My head was providing the logic. I was going to leave, and it wouldn’t be the last time. So it was best that I left for good. But my heart was telling me that there was hope, no matter how slim it seemed. We were going to pull through. We would be okay. That forever was ours.

Instead, I remained silent, being the coward I was. I let her push past me and I heard the door open and close swiftly. There would be times where I would follow her because the last thing I wanted to remember was the thought of her being mad at me and me being mad at her. Of me breaking her heart, and her breaking mine. But I was frozen. She had every right to be mad at me. I was angry—frustrated—with myself too. I promised myself that I wouldn’t let her go if and when things became too much with the band.

Some lie that was.

I covered my mouth and gripped the edge of the island counter. I needed to get a hold of myself and keep myself from falling apart. I had to stay strong, to appear like everything was fine for Cleo.

I’m sorry, Cleo…

I stacked the dishes in the dishwasher and cleared up the kitchen and living room. Luce’s phone was on the coffee table. I began to ascend the stairs, only to find Cleo at the top of them, clutching Squidgy with her small hands to her chest. She resembled Lucinda so much it hurt. Her lips were pursed.

“You’re going again?” she wondered.

Her gaze was unbreakable and I couldn’t lie to her. Not again after so many times.

“Yeah,” I replied. “But I promise I’ll come back, Cleo.”

“No you won’t,” she said and the accusation in her voice was painful. I knew that she had heard everything. A basic parental instinct was to protect their child from anything and I couldn’t even do that.

“Sweetie,” I murmured, taking a step up the stairs.

She shook her head and stepped away from me. “I thought you loved me and Mommy.”

“I do,” I promised, feeling my heart rip. What parent felt good about their child throwing their love back in their face?

“Then why did Mommy sound sad?” she demanded, her voice equally defensive and agitated. I remembered to when Luce was pregnant and Cleo was nothing but a thought in our minds. Luce was worrying about the baby not liking her and I assured her that the baby would love her easily, just as easily as I did with her. And it was true, Cleo did love Lucinda. She was choosing her over me.

But it’s what you deserve for letting go of something you said you never would.

I stood there, trying to come up with an answer for her. I couldn’t lie to her, yet I couldn’t explain to her the truth either.

“Cleo,” I pleaded. “I’m sorry.”

She hugged Squidgy tightly and shook her head disappointedly. I was paralysed where I was standing as she turned away.

---

Tired as I was, sleep evaded me. It was ironic to see the roles reversed. I was waiting up for Lucinda to come home when it was usually her waiting for me. I tried calling Austin and that attempt was fruitless. I considered going out and looking for her but she had taken the car and I couldn’t leave Cleo home alone. Besides, she didn’t want to talk or even look at me after closing the door to her room. Cleo never shut it. There’s a first for everything. For the first time, she didn’t want me to tuck her into bed, to read her a story and kiss her on the forehead. She was giving me the rejection I deserved.

I sat at the kitchen island, clutching my cell phone in my hand, waiting for something to happen. For someone to call. Whether it was Austin or Tony or Luce’s parents or even Luce herself, I just needed to know that she was physically okay.

Finally, I heard the door open gently and the sound of footsteps lightly walk up the stairs. After waiting a few seconds I followed her. The door leading to Cleo’s room was open and I sat down, leaning against the wall adjacent to the door frame. It sounded like Cleo couldn’t sleep either.

“Why were you and Daddy fighting?” she whispered.

I heard Luce sigh. “You don’t have to worry about that, baby.”

“Are you mad because he’s going with Uncles Tony, Mike and Vic?”

“A little bit,” she answered. “I’m mad that he never gets to see you as often as he should.”

“I don’t want to see Daddy anymore. I’m mad at him too. He made you cry.”

I let out the breath I’ve been holding, only to sag my shoulders even though I had no right to. I brought this on myself. I threw away the things that I loved the most and they were throwing me away as well.

“Cleo, I know you’re mad at your dad but he loves you a lot and he always will, no matter where he is,” Lucinda explained, always calm and reasonable when trying to talk to her when she’s upset. She was always the better parent, mainly because she knew Cleo and I barely did. I did my job by helping bring her to the world but not so much as raising her. “No matter what happens to us,” I heard her add.

“But he doesn’t love you anymore,” she replied sadly.

No, I wanted to say. Cleo, your mother means everything to me.

So why couldn’t I say it out loud?

I got up, not bearing to hear the rest. I was selfish, ditching my wife and daughter because of my cowardice—Luce was right all along. I was scared that we weren’t going to last. But my fear had turned into a reality by me speeding up the process. For once I started to believe that they were going to be better off without me. Luce has been doing the solo mom scene ever since Cleo was two. What difference will leaving for good make?

I bolted out the door and ran. Although my feet were killing me already from travelling, I pushed myself, kept telling my feet to take me as far as I can go. They didn’t want me. They couldn’t want me, not after what I had done. Run away, Jaime. That’s all you ever do.

At this point I had felt like passing out. I had sprinted for at least ten minutes without stopping and I was nearing the boardwalk of the beach. The roar of waves grew loud, until it was the only thing I heard. I couldn’t see much, just the moon’s reflection on the water and the distant lights of the city.

This time, my legs really did give up on me. I sank on the sand, particles of it sticking to my sweaty skin. I could feel my heart throb throughout me and with each beat my mind scream coward, coward, coward. And there wasn’t any gentle voice—Luce’s—to tell me that I was wrong about myself.

---

The past week felt like I was drifting. I wanted to believe that it was all a dream I was stupid enough to think about. I was so certain that I would wake up and snap out of this. This wasn’t me. I wasn’t the monster I was becoming. I hadn’t foolishly rejected the people I loved. But every time I saw Lucinda or Cleo, it all crumbled and all those memories flooded back in.

I’ve never felt so cold in my own house before.

There were so many times that I wanted to talk about it but she barely looked at me. She and Cleo would have dinner somewhere else and I rarely saw them, only in the morning before she takes Cleo to school and right when they return home in the late hours of the evening. Little to no words were uttered, even the day before I was scheduled to leave.

Before leaving, we had to meet up at the studio so that we could run through all the tour dates and agree on set lists. Once I entered the room, though, I was greeted with silence as well. Mike and Vic were on their phones while Tony was leaning against the wall, his arms crossed across his chest. They all looked up as I came in, with no doubt of hearing about my decision. Luce and Cleo were their family too and because of me, I was taking them away for them.

“What are you playing at, Jaime?” Tony asked with acid-dripped words.

“It was for the best,” I answered. It had become my mantra over the past few days. For the best, for the best, for the best. But as much as it got me through each day, it haunted me. I thought the best would be the three of us together, with me balancing my family life and the band.

“That’s complete bullshit,” Tony shot back, launching off from the wall and stepping closer to me. His fists were clenched tightly and eyes fierce. He was protective over Cleo and Luce. He got along with them the best. Luce because of high school, and Cleo because I had chosen him as one of her godfathers.

“Tony,” Vic interjected softly. “Let him be, it’s none of your business.”

He shook his head but kept his eyes on me. I was never on the receiving end of his glares. I’ve only ever seen him angry a few times. What made it so scary was how opposite he seemed in comparison to his personality. The quiet people are the scariest when they were angry, and Tony was furious.

“No Vic, you don’t understand. You haven’t know Jaime for as long as I have.” He jabbed a finger at my chest. “What is wrong with you?”

I wish I knew.

“I can’t—I can’t keep doing this to them,” I answered. “Coming home only to leave again after a few weeks. It’s not healthy. I’m never seeing Cleo, I’m not watching her grow up. I know if I kept this up I’ll miss out on her growing up completely. Most dads see their kids every day. How many days in a year do I see my daughter? She doesn’t even want to talk to me anymore.”

“Yeah?” Tony challenged. “Why do you think that is? Oh right, because she knows you’re leaving them. What about Lucinda, huh? What happens to her? Are you just going to abandon her too, all because you can’t handle the distance or make a decent effort to make it work? You told me that you loved her ever since we started out in high school—what the fuck happened?”

“Easy, Tony,” Mike warned, getting on his feet, ready to intervene.

“No,” Tony replied, shaking his head. “What makes you think that you can just bail on them right now, especially when it’s clear that you need them as much as they need you?” He grabbed the neckline of my shirt with a tight hold. “If you love them like you say you do, you should have the guts to stay with her and work this out. Go see a damn counsellor or whatever but don’t throw away something that you can’t replace once you discard it.”

“I’m doing this because I love them!” I retaliated. “They’re better off without me, alright? When I’m out of the way, they don’t have to wait for me to come home all the time. They don’t have to adjust their lifestyle because of my career. They can move on. They can get on with their lives without me in the picture.”

Tony scoffed, releasing his grip on me with a shove. “Do you really think it’ll be that easy for all of you to forget?”

“Enough,” Mike cut in, placing a firm hand on Tony’s shoulder, pushing him back. “I’m not gonna lie. What you did, Jaime, was a shock to all of us. But nonetheless, it’s your decision and we respect it, right?”

Tony scowled and hit Mike’s hand away. “I need some air,” he gruffed, storming away and slamming the door behind him. We all stood where we were. Dazed. Surprised. Shaken. I knew from the glance between the two brothers, Tony said what they wanted to as well. Perhaps not as forcefully, but did have the same message as well. I couldn’t blame them, there was no one to blame but me.

Failing on your marriage and family, failing on your friends. What’s not to say you’re going to fail on everything else?

Notes

hi jellybeans :) sorry i took so long. anyway, i hope this was okay. poor jaime :( poor everyone :( the next chapter (when i get around doing it lol) will be a flashback. love you all x