Fight Back

Date: 19th January 2015. Weight: 7st. Stage: Four. Estimated time of survival: One and a half months.

From where I was sat in my room I could see through the crack in my door. Charlotte was leaving, flicking her red devils hair over her shoulder. She looked sad, but more than that. Under the sadness she looked pissed off.
I waited until she had slammed the front door then I stepped silently into Alex's room. He looked awful. He was pale, his hair limp and he was shaking. Alex was sat on his bed with his head in his hands. I sat down on the bed next to him and he must have felt the bed go down because he looked up.
"Why did you do it?" I asked.
"Do what?" Alex asked and sighed tiredly.
"Tell them. You could have kept it all a secret."
"I know I could have." he replied. I tilted my head to the side and Alex raised his arm, inviting me to lean against him. I did but felt him wince. I looked up to see him clenching his jaw in pain.
"Is this okay?" I asked anxiously.
"Yeah, I want to hug my sister while I have chance. I don't think I have much time left." he said, matter of factly.
"Don't say that."
"It's true. Charlotte thinks so as well." Alex said grimly.
"Don't listen to her."
"She didn't say so. But I could see it in her eyes, the doubt."
"What doubt?"
"I can't name it," he shrugged. "It's over between us."
"How could she?" I gasped angrily.
"She didn't, Hel'. I broke up with her."
"Why? She's all you have left."
"I know, that's why I can't do it to her. My friends will get over me eventually, they've left. But I love Charlotte and she loves me back. I can't hurt her like that, I need to sacrifice that." Alex admitted.
"You deserve happiness."
"I'm sacrificing. Part of love is sacrifice, one day you'll get it." he shrugged.
"Do you regret telling them?" I asked carefully.
He thought for a while. "No, but I regret the way they reacted. I regret getting Infirma. No one deserves Infirma."
"Not telling them would have saved you this pain."
"Perhaps," he reasoned. "But when I told them I had a year left. Living your last year lying to those you love isn't any way of living."
"I guess." I smiled.
"I really fucking loved her." Alex suddenly said, almost aggressively. "But it's over." he muttered. Then I saw the look in Alex's eyes. He was completely and utterly destroyed.

I woke up with sweat covering my frame lightly and hair stuck to my face. It showed how much that dream really scared me. I remember that talk, I'd never seen him so crushed and defeated. He looked like he wanted to die, not like he'd ever say it to me.
I forced myself to sit up in bed and found that I was weak. My head was pounding, my pulse fast and dangerous. Then I felt the stirring in my stomach. I know that sensation now. I hurried to get out of bed and rushed into the bathroom.
Then I reached the toilet. I hugged the cold, surface of the toilet - the closest thing I had to Phil now. Then I was sick. It was violent, pathetic sickness as well. But this time I did what Phil had been asking of me for months now. I kept my eyes open as the contents of my stomach lurched up. I saw what I'd been dreading - blood. That was a main warning sign I was told to look out for. My platelets are so damn low.
Now I felt panicked. When it was over I wiped my mouth, flushed the toilet and rested my head back on the cubicle wall. I was so weak, so damn weak. Even before I felt I knew I'd lost more weight. I could die in this bathroom and nobody would know until morning. I was a fucking disaster.
I know it wasn't necessary, or maybe it was and I'm just in denial. But I called Phil when I was back in my room. I took out my phone and dialled Phil's number. I glanced back at the phone and took in the time. It was 3.30 am. I felt guilty for waking him because he's the only person that still gives me something without adding a dirty look.
"Pippa?" Phil asked, sounding concerned.
"It's late." I said and laughed weakly.
"What's happened?"
"I woke up. Then I felt awful. I ran to the bathroom and was sick again."
"Okay." Phil said, taking in the information.
"It was bloody." I muttered.
"I'm coming up there, Pippa." he said, his voice firm.
"No, please don't." I replied softly.
"You shouldn't be at home. You need real hospice care. You need me on hand."
"You can't force me, you have to respect my wishes remember." I said, reciting his words back to him.
“Don’t use that. You’re ill, you’re an ill girl." he exclaimed.
“I can’t help that. Don’t do this, Phil.” I begged. I needed him and I knew he was right. I was ill, I was fucking terminal. But I didn’t want him to take my last flicker of fire away from me.
“Pippa.” he tried.
“I’m tired, goodnight." I said blankly and hung up on him. Then I lay down on the bed and started to breathe deeply. I was tired but the thought of closing my eyes disgusted me. I needed to sort everything out. I couldn’t sleep.
So I just lay there awake, for hours and hours and hours. I watched the dark through the slit in the curtain turn from black, to silver, to that colour no one anywhere could ever describe, to finally daylight.
As I lay there I thought. I try not to do that usually, it just depresses me. But I have to. I thought about Hope and Mike and all the nagging that Phil’s been doing. He wants me to tell them and I actually think I should. Waiting for me to be ready is like waiting for me to be ready to die. It’s never going to happen. How can I turn Hope into me? Alex changed me, it might have taken longer than expected but he turned me into the person that I’m trying not to be most of the time. I want to be the person I am when I’m with Mike and Phil. I couldn’t turn Hope into that bitter bitch. I just couldn’t.
I took my phone and dialled Hope's number. “Hope?” I breathed softly when she answered. I had to do it.
“Hmm. . .” she said sleepily and I heard her groan.
“Are you awake?”
“No, I’m sleeping.” well, who’s sarcastic now.
“I need to talk to you.” I told her.
“Can it not wait until later?” she asked.
“It’s important,” I explained. “It’s about me being sick.” I let out deep breaths. I had to do this. But I really wanted to crawl into a hole and cry right now.
"Is that the time?!" she suddenly exclaimed. "Can I call you later? I'm meeting my dad and his girlfriend in an hour." she said guiltily.
“I understand.” I sighed.
“We’ll talk later, I promise.” Hope said and hung up. I’d been so close then. If she’d just let me talk she’d know now.

That afternoon I got inside Mike’s car, which is actually Vic's car. It’s really nice and shiny. Everyone in my year seems to have a car, accept me. Mike looked across and me and smiled. We stopped at some traffic lights and he leaned over to kiss me. I let him put his hand down my t-shirt and a car beeped behind when he didn’t drive. Mike rolled down the window and stuck his middle finger out.
“So, where do you need to go?” Mike asked. I bit down on my bottom lip, then smiled.
“Just a few things I need to do.” I shrugged.
“Am I allowed to know?” he laughed.
“No,” I smirked. “I’ll meet you at seven for some dinner.”
“Give me a clue,”
“I want to make a change.” I said.
“Does that mean no more tie dye tops, because you know how I feel about them.”
“No, they’re staying.” I teased.
“Well, your last change went so well." he replied dryly.
“It got you to notice me.”
“I already noticed you, Pippa.” he smiled. Then we parked up. I looked at the cafe across the road and gestured to it.
“Meet in there?” I offered.
“Sure,” he agreed. I leaned up to kiss him and then turned away. I watched him walk around a corner and I hurried down a side road. I stopped in front of a tattoo shop and went inside. I waited at the counter and saw a woman with sleeves come over.
“Can I help you?” she asked.
“Hi, I have an appointment.”
“What for?”
I breathed slowly and closed my eyes for a second. “To get my dreads out.” I finally said. She smiled and I followed her into a side room. I can do this.

After I walked into the diner. I spotted Mike with his back to me and I headed towards him. As I walked I felt how light my hair was, and it was moving freely. It hadn’t done that in months. I wrapped my arms around Mike and kissed him on the cheek. He laughed and turned around to look at me. I think he was shocked. He just sat there and started to beam at me.
“Pippa." he breathed.
“Do I look okay?” I anxiously asked and sat opposite him.
“You’re beautiful.” he muttered.
“Don’t you mean hot?” I asked.
“That too,” he smirked. “What are you having?” he asked. I looked at the menu and growled under my breath.
“I can’t eat any of this rubbish.”
“Why?”
“It’s bad for me.” I replied carefully.
“You’re not on about losing weight again." he sighed.
“That’s the last thing I need,” I mumbled. “Listen, I need to tell you something.”
“Are you ready to order?” the waitress asked.
“Burger.” Mike replied quickly.
“Coke.” I said and she looked at me.
“She doesn’t like your food." Mike mocked.
“Fine.” she hissed.
“I don’t think she likes us.” Mike laughed. “What was you saying?”
Oh, God. “It doesn’t matter.” I can’t do it. I just can’t.

That night I entwined my hands with Mike’s and leant into him. He opened the door for me and I walked through. I’d never been to his house really. Mike opened his door for me and I walked up and inside his room. It looked like mine but his walls were covered in posters and there was a drum kit at one end of the room. I sat down on his bed and reclined back until I was lying down. Mike sat next to me and put my head on his lap.
“I feel so exhausted.” I said.
“When are you seeing, Phil?” he asked suddenly.
“Next week. Why?”
“I saw him Friday at school and he asked me to bring something up."
“What?”
“About your family. He wanted me to get you to talk to them.”
“No way."
“I said no." Mike added.
“Thanks.”
“But it got me thinking. Why do you hate them?”
“Your girlfriend is in your bedroom with you alone, do you seriously want to talk about my parents?” I teased.
“Seriously.”
I sighed. “I told you, Mike, I’m fucked up. My family isn’t perfect just like my whole damn life isn’t.” I said and looked away from him. Mike shifted me so I was half sitting and kissed me roughly.
“That’s why I chose you out of all these fake bitches at school. You’re perfectly imperfect and fucked up, just like me.” he breathed.
I kissed him again. I let him put my hand in my t-shirt and soon felt it slip inside my bra. I had nothing there anyway. I pulled his shirt over his head and threw it on the floor. I closed my eyes briefly and felt him pull my t-shirt off of me. He kissed my collar bone and I lay back. I unbuttoned my jeans and he started to pull them down.
“You sure about this?” he asked softly.
“There’s only one thing I want to do before I die and I want to do it with you.”
“Pippa?”
“Just do it, Mike." I moaned. He kissed me again I pulled down his jeans a little. He finished it off and I felt him climb on top of me.
He was kissing me all over. Every lump. Every bruise. Every scar. His lips were soft and gentle on my skin. He started to kiss my thighs and urged me up so he could take off my bra. His thumbs pulled my underwear down and I kicked them off. Mike kissed my thighs again, before he started sucking and biting along my bikini line. He came up to peck my lips and I smiled gently.
Mike lay next to me now. He held me close to him. I started to kiss his neck, going all the way down to his chest. Mike made a noise of satisfaction. I pressed my lips up and down his torso. Mike took one of my boobs into his hand before he squeezed. I moaned while he kissed my chest. I could feel Mike pressing against my thigh. He reached inside his draw and took something out. He held the condom and opened it. He rolled it on himself and moved to hover over me.
"Are you okay?" Mike asked.
"Yeah." I nodded.
"I love you, Pippa." he told me warmly.
"I love you." I gasped.
Mike lined himself up before he slowly went inside me. I gripped his shoulders and sighed loudly. It hurt. It actually hurt. I couldn't describe the pain. Not in the sense it was so severe there aren't words for it. But more like it was different to the pain I was used to feeling. Mike moved a little until he was thrusting in and out. I wrapped my legs around him and tried to get closer to him.
"Pippa, shit." Mike moaned.
"Mike." I gasped into his neck. Maybe because that's what people do? "Are you close?" Mike asked breathlessly after a little while. Am I what?
"Um yeah." I replied. Mike had his eyes closed. The pain was going now. It was becoming more enjoyable now. I was thinking about how it isn’t all it’s cracked up to be. I started thinking how they make two hour porn films about something as stupid as sex. But then it got good, and I realised. Sex as an act was pointless, but with Mike it was special.
I started to feel hot and panicky in a good way. This can’t be good for someone in my condition - dying not pregnant. This isn’t good, I feel like I’m going to pass out.
Inhale. Exhale. Inhale. Exhale.
I’m actually dying. Shit. On my death certificate it’s going to say: cause of death couldn’t take a penis.
Then I felt Mike moan as he came. He pulled out and Mike rolled off of me. He kissed my cheek roughly and lay next to me. He wrapped an arm tightly around me and buried his face in my hair. Christ.

Notes

Hey! This was super long but it all happened in one day so I wanted to carry it on. What did you think? Excited? I know this story is getting to a lot of people, but please say that the humour in this chapter wasn't wasted on you all! :)