Fight Back

Date: 5th January 2015. Weight: 7st 2lbs. Stage: Four. Estimated time of survival: Two months.

It was a result of stress and exerting myself and generally Jesus just hating me. Phil was worried, he wanted me at home not going to school. But that's what we agreed on years ago, for me to stay on at school until my last month. I didn't want to go home, that meant really dying.
Phil was seeing me twice a week now and I think it'll keep on going up. I can't hide it for much longer.
Hope stopped me at my locker and I raised my eyebrows. "I really haven't got time." I muttered.
"Well make time." she replied tightly. I tried to skirt around her and she moved to block me.
"Please." I tried.
"We need to talk."
"I need to go. I can't be late." Phil’s expecting me for my medical.
"Late for what?" she asked and folded her arms across her chest. She thinks I'm lying.
"I'm seeing someone at free period and I don't want to be half an hour late to see him."
"Who is it? Mike?"
"Not Mike." I snorted.
"Then who? You never told me you were dating Mike. I found out from Rosie."
"That's not my problem!" I exclaimed and threw my hands up in the air. I'm feeling emotional now. Don't fucking cry. Again.
"Just talk to me, please. Are you sick?"
"Yes." just not in the way you think, Hope.
"Everything will be okay," she promised. Then she hugged me. It wasn't as bad as when my family hug me, but it wasn’t good either. "I'm here for you." she whispered. That made me push her away. I backed away from her.
"Its too late." I muttered. And it was, having this friendship now could only bring pain.
"Helena." she sighed. I looked at her and my face softened a little.
"I'm sorry." I breathed. I turned to walk away.
"Where are you going?"
I didn’t answer. I hurried down the corridor. I saw Mike not far away and started to panic. I didn't need him now, I needed Phil. I ran to the nurses room. I know it's bad for me but I'd gotten myself into a state that I needed rescuing from. I pushed open the door and saw Phil sat on the examination bed waiting for me.
"Pippa." he smiled but then saw my face.
"Help me." I gasped.
“What's happened?” Phil asked. He looked at me and the professional side took over. “Breathe.” he ordered. He grasped my shoulders and led me over to a chair. I was pushed gently down and Phil got down to my level. “Put your head in between your legs." I started to hyperventilate and Phil breathed with me. “Calm down.”
“You think I haven't fucking tried.” I spat in panic.
"Breathe. Take three seconds to come back down then tell me what's the matter." Phil ordered. I did as told and it worked. Phil came and sat by me and hugged me tightly. I started to get back to normal. Something about Phil's presence and his voice just calms me.
"Hope thinks I'm sick." I finally said.
"She knows about the Infirma?"
"No," I shook my head. "She thinks I have an eating disorder."
"Because of the sickness and weight loss?" He asked calmly. I nodded and Phil copied me slowly.
"You can't help that. You're going to lose more weight."
"I know. But people are going to start to notice, they're going to talk." I muttered. Phil stood and crossed the room.
"This was always going to happen." Phil said carefully and strapped a blood pressure cuff around my arm.
"I didn't want people to care that all this is happening to me. But they do. Hope and Mike, I'll cause them both pain. All for a bout of happiness."
"You deserve happiness. More than anyone, Pippa. You know how I feel. If you told them now it would hurt but they'd be prepared."
"I don't want to hurt Hope and Mike." I said.
"I thought you made it your life pursuit to keep as far away from Mike as possible." Phil said lightly.
"Things have changed."
"How so? You know change isn't good at this stage."
"He asked me out, Phil." I said. I watched Phil as he fiddled with a stethoscope.
"Oh." was all he replied.
"I know it's not right and against everything I wanted. But you know me, Phil. You know what I'm terrified of and you know what I want more than anything in the world."
"You want to be loved." he said, more like whispered.
"You love me and I think Hope does too. But I want someone to kiss the bruises on my skin leftover from all these treatments." I said and my voice cracked. Through all of this bullshit I spout that's all I want. I want to be loved.
"You need to tell him, Pippa."
"I know, but in my own time. I'm not ready." Phil picked my my file and sighed deeply, a sound that made me want to cry. It wasn't sad really, or frustrated. It was defeated.
"You don't have much time left."
"How long?" I asked, suddenly crying. Again.
"I'm sorry." he gasped.
"Just tell me."
"Two months. That's being optimistic, it could be less."
"At least I've already planned my funeral. That took a few weeks." I tried to joke. I smiled but Phil could see through it. There was a crack in my grin and behind my lids there was a glassy dead stare. Phil rushed over to me and wrapped his arms around me.
"You don't deserve this. My beautiful girl." he muttered.
"I'm okay." I muttered. I heard footsteps outside the door and stood away from Phil, I didn't need anyone seeing me. They wouldn't understand. Then the door opened and Mike walked in. He did a double take then smiled warmly at me.
"Can I help you?" Phil asked tiredly.
"I was in the office and thought I heard something. Sorry."
"It's okay, Mike." he replied.
"Are we done?" I asked.
"Yes. I'll ring you in the week. Just. . ."
"What?"
"Be careful. Take it easy." he warned. Then it was like it all became too much. I started crying, real panicky crying. I think Mike panicked too. He pulled me to his chest and held me tightly. Phil let Mike rock me against him. I pulled sharply away and pushed Mike out of the room. The door closed behind us and I could glimpse Phil's face in the tiny window of the door. I pushed him against the wall and he rested his chin on my head as I cried into his chest.
"Talk to me." Mike urged.
"I can't." I breathed. My body was tense. As he ran his fingers over my hip he frowned from the sharp edge of my hipbone. This action sent me numb.
"Pippa-" he tried.
"Do you trust me?" I asked desperately.
"Of course I do."
"Then trust that I will tell you. Just not now, I can't tell you now."
"Okay," he sighed. "I trust you." then he turned away from me.
I let him slip away and watched him walk down the corridor. He said he trusted me but I could sense his doubt. Not just in me but in everything too. He hid it well but I recognised the look he gave me when he looked back. I'd given that look a million times, it was the doubt that I would make it through the year. I could sense it in Mike's eyes, in his stride. He was filled with doubt, but he didn't know what he was doubting. That was the only difference between him and I - besides a cock, of course - was that I knew what I was doubting, Mike didn't have a clue.

Notes

Hey! What did you think? How was it? Will she tell him? Sorry the update is a little later than usual, I had my nose done yay! :p