“Stay.”

She sounded just like she did the first time I heard her. A whisper in a crowded room, the one that you could pick out from the crowd. Like the first drop of rain after an endless drought. The strum of a correctly played guitar chord after messing it up so many times.

I wish I could believe her but for some stupid reason, I was hesitant. I couldn’t let myself trust her. I guess I had enough reason not to but who are you supposed to turn to when you weren’t yourself anymore?

“Are you sure?” I asked quietly. There was always a doubt in the back of my mind. A thought that said that nothing would ever go my way. The voice that told me that it was best that I left. But that voice never took into account how distance would only destroy us further. I knew what being apart from her did to me. It made me feel small. Weak. Worthless. All you had was a grey and eternal cloud, where all you wanted was one break of sunshine. It was draining and exhausting. God knows what that would’ve done to Tori if that distance had dragged for longer. I might’ve been too late.

I mustered but the courage to open my eyes and look into hers. They were gentle and just as sad as mine. Tori’s fingers traced my jawline, as if I was something so valuable and irreplaceable. Little did she know, she was the one who was valuable. Important. Whenever I felt low, I always wanted to get better because I know that she’d want me too. She wouldn’t stop believing in me. I never wanted to let her down, but time and time again, I keep breaking that promise. I kept breaking myself. I kept breaking her.

She cupped my face with both hands. They kept me from sinking, from falling. “We’re going to be okay,” she murmured, echoing the words I had said to her. Her thumbs stroked my cheeks, wiping away any tears that had fallen. Hers had stopped, leaving her starry eyes brighter than they were before. My girl from Phoenix, so incredibly strong, much more than I was. She meant so much more to me than she’ll ever know.

“Let’s fight this together,” she said softly. Her words filled me with hope—not some twisted kind but one that was true. We had this constant battle with ourselves, thinking that we had to go through it alone. Though I had stopped believing in myself a long time ago thinking that I was never going to win, I believed in her. Maybe I’d come around to believing myself more often. All we needed was time to heal. Time, and each other.

I leaned down so our foreheads touched. I missed this close proximity with her. I missed all of her. Her smile, her laughter, her words. I missed my best friend in the whole world and all this time it was because of me. I was the only thing preventing myself being with her.

I still felt so small, so vulnerable, but I managed to smile. Tori always made me smile. She was my smile. It wasn’t much, but I could tell from her touch, it was enough for her.

I stroked the back of her hand with my palm. “Together.”




The remainder of the day was quiet and slow, something we both needed. We tidied up a bit more of Tori’s art studio where she made the tough decision of throwing away what she had ruined. It was a bittersweet time for her. Those pieces gave her purpose but getting rid of them meant that she could start again.

Afterwards, I ordered us a pizza because her kitchen was basically empty. I saved some pancake batter so at least she’d have something to eat tomorrow morning. She managed to eat a pizza slice and a half for lunch and didn’t get sick afterwards which was really good. I couldn’t push her to eat it all. Her appetite wouldn’t change in a day.

The afternoon involved a long nap on the couch. I held up my head against the armrest while she used my thigh as her pillow. I didn’t mind it one bit. Having her sleep beside me was just as great as I remembered. I felt like she was mine again, and I hers. Two halves trying to let each other know that they were already whole. Despite its circumstance, this day was one of the happier ones I’ve had in a while.

For dinner I ordered some take out from a nearby Thai place. Her cable no longer worked so we sat close together, watching videos on YouTube on my phone. I relished the parts that made her laugh. It was a reminder that slowly, she really was getting better.

She leaned back on the couch, leaving her plate on the coffee table in front of us. She finished most of what was on it. “I’m so full.”

“Your appetite isn’t going to return overnight,” I told her.

“True... I haven’t eaten this well in a long time though,” she shrugged. “I guess you could tell though. I haven’t been myself these past months.”

“What...what happened?” I asked, pushing my plate aside. She hugged her knees, resting her chin between them. We hadn’t mention anything that happened to us over the past six months but I could tell that we wanted to know. Neither of us wanted to know how bad each other had gotten.

Tori shrugged, shaking her head slightly. “I don’t know. I think after you left, I buried myself in work. I locked myself in my studio and did everything. My boss called, telling me that I should take some time off because I had been sending in so many pieces in a week that there was nothing left to do. But then after that...”

Her eyes drifted off and I contemplated changing the subject. But she continued. “After that, I got worse. This all started about two and a half months ago. My job distracted me from what had happened and once there was nothing else to do, it was all I could think about. I wouldn’t eat and if I did, I was too sick to keep it down. I had no idea when the last time I ate was until you made those pancakes. I didn’t know what to do. I had no inspiration. Most of the time I would just lie in bed. That was for the first few days. Then they became weeks and months. I stopped going to work when my holiday was up. I stopped paying the bills, gas and electricity. I stopped going out. I just...stopped.”

She sounded just like I had been once I got back to San Diego, but in reverse. I wouldn’t move for days until such time where Jaime kicked me out of the bed. He got me going again. I got better, but was never completely back to my original self.

“There were some days that I felt energised enough to do something, like yesterday. I was able to do some laundry, change my sheets. Only little things. Then, my boss came over. He sent me emails but I never opened them. I hated checking anything because I didn’t want to get my hopes up that you might’ve sent me anything. He came to officially release me from my job. He said he was sad to let me go, and disappointed. I think he said he was willing to reconsider hiring me if I felt better but I don’t think I want to come back. I don’t know...” She looked up at me tentatively, trying to read me. “I’m rambling, aren’t I?”

I shook my head. “It’s fine.” It was difficult to imagine Tori the way she said she was. She was always so full of life and happiness. How could the sun have its dark days? “What happened after he came over?”

She sighed. “Once he left, I snapped. I broke down. I was so frustrated with myself and I took it out on all my artwork. My whole studio, actually. Somehow it did more damage to me than it would have if I hurt myself because it made me happy. You and making art were two things that made me happy. And when I thought I had lost you, I lost the other.”

My heart felt like escaping from my chest at the thought of Tori trying to hurt herself. If that paint turned out to be blood, I wouldn’t be able to forgive myself. I destroyed one of the things she loved the most.

“And then...you came back,” she murmured. “You came back. And I’m still scared that this is a dream. That when I wake up, you’re going to be gone and I’m going to be exactly the same.” A smile pulled up on the corner of lips. “You’re not a dream though, right?”

I shook my head. Like me, she had trouble figuring out what was real or not, what was a tragic dream or a reality. “I’m real.”

That smile stayed, easing into something more comfortable. “I’m glad. And I’m sorry you had to clean up after the mess I made.”

“We all need help sometimes,” I replied. “I was pretty bad when I left Arizona.”

Her smile dropped a bit. “What happened to you?”

I cupped the back of my neck with my hand, thinking of where to start. “I got your voicemail. And it took everything I had to not leave the boarding gate and come back to you when I answered your call. I was so torn. Yes, I was pissed off but none of that seemed to matter when I came back to San Diego. Whenever I went to the kitchen, I’d see you at the island counter or sitting at the dining table with your sketchpad. And whenever I got close you’d just fade away. It was until one day where I stopped seeing you that I realised you were really gone from me, and I hated every minute of it.”

Tori’s knuckles whitened at what I said. I could see the immense pain and guilt in her eyes but I wanted her to know that I had brought all of this to myself.

“Things sort of got back to normal when we started recording for our new album. I was getting into a swing of a routine again, started to feel like myself again. I guess I was okay for a while, too. But then the album’s release got held back and I was falling back into that dark place again. The guys in my band noticed that I wasn’t really myself. Jaxin and Nat, my then-roommates, knew too.”

“Then?” Tori asked, wanting to know more.

I nodded, fiddling with my fingers. “Yeah. I had a falling out with them. Mostly Jaxin though. You remember Key Street, right?”

It was her turn to nod. “Your clothing line. What happened?”

I explained to her what went down. How things weren’t working as smooth as they should have been and how it all just bubbled over and exploded. How I cut business ties with him and eventually moved out, not wanting anything to do with Key Street anymore. It might’ve also been because of me and how he was fed up for the way I was acting at the time. I couldn’t blame Jaxin entirely. Part of it was my fault.

“I found an apartment but barely moved in when I decided to go back here,” I said later. I picked up the bear from the armchair next to the couch we were sitting on. “Jaime found this. I remembered how much fun we had at the fair. Like even though I didn’t know it was really you, it was one of the best days I’ve had. Thinking about it made me miss you so much and I couldn’t leave things the way they were between us. And now here we are.”

She opened her arms and I passed the bear. It really was hers all along. I caught the scent of its chocolate fur as I handed it over. She flashed a grin. “You kept it?”

I shrugged. “I didn’t notice I took it with me when packing up my stuff from the hotel room. It was probably stored away somewhere. Speaking of hotels... I should check into one, right?”

Her smile faltered a bit, shaking her head slightly. “Don’t go.”

I chuckled, trying to ease the tension. “Right, right. How could I forget I have the comfort of your luxurious couch with a wide buffet of food to choose just a few steps away?”

“You don’t have to sleep on my couch,” she replied, joining in with my chuckle. “But you’re right. I can’t live on pizza forever. I’ll go grocery shopping tomorrow.”

“Are you sure it’s okay if I sleep with you on your bed?” I asked hesitantly. Of course we were going to just sleep. I wouldn’t dare force her into something she didn’t want to do. It kind of felt that I was just pushing some boundary.

She nodded her. “It’s fine. I liked it when I slept beside you, to be honest. It made me feel safe from all the nightmares I’ve had. Like, just for a night, they were gone.”

I remembered waking her up from one. How she stirred so restlessly, and panted heavily. How she was shaking when I tried to calm her down. How she clung to me, her hold tight with adrenaline and fear. What could’ve happened for her to get these?

“Have...have you been getting them lately?” I asked quietly.

She shook her head. “Not recently. Everything has just been empty.”

Another pressing thought occurred to me but I wasn’t sure whether to ask or not. I could tell that opening up was a hard thing for Tori. It was a hard thing for me too. We’d always pause before answering each other’s question, trying to filter out the things we wanted to keep hidden. I guess that’s what made our friendship easier while growing up. We didn’t have to tell each other everything because there was no concrete way of knowing.

“What caused you to have those nightmares?” I asked, feeling immediately guilty for invading her privacy. “Wait. It’s okay, you don’t have to answer that. We could take about it something else—”

“No. No, it’s alright, Tony,” she interrupted with a pensive, weary smile. “You deserve to know.” She took in a deep breath. “I’ll be right back,” she promised, standing up. I watched her head into her bedroom, coming out a few seconds later with a black book and a piece of paper. She sat opposite facing me on the couch and took out two pens from her coffee table drawer. She opened the book, revealing a blank sheet of paper.

“It’s hard to talk about,” she explained, looking at me. Tori handed out the piece of paper—a newspaper clipping. Once I took it from her, she started writing.

480 GUERREROS CARTEL SHUT DOWN

FEBRUARY 24, 1998
The Phoenix police department have successfully tracked down the whereabouts of The 480 Guerreros drug cartel leader, Marco Perez, and placed him under arrest along with his accomplices. This operation lasted for over six months, only to be concluded yesterday. Leading detective James Holt, father of two, took charge of this case, working closely with agents from the DEA and top profilers from Los Angeles, New York and Mexico. Following the capturing of Perez, he reported: “The time spent on this investigation took its toll on us, both mentally and physically, however I believe that this has taught us to remain strong in our weakest moments. The city of Phoenix can now sleep easily tonight, knowing that monster from her nightmare will face justice.”
Perez (pictured below), faces charges of drug trafficking of cocaine, heroin and methamphetamine, along with other multiple charges such as the aiding of illegal border crossing. His accounts and assets were immediately frozen and his properties repossessed. During the investigation’s during, many homicides occurred and the crime rate increased by 20 per cent within a matter of months. It is unconfirmed as to whether these are linked with the cartel. However, there is one other crime that Perez and his cartel will face punishment for—kidnapping of a young girl, aged 11. The victim’s family wishes her identity to be suppressed and their privacy respected. (Full article on page 3)

I drew out a breath myself after reading. “This was the case your dad was working on?”

She nodded, handing over the sketchpad. Even her handwriting had changed a bit. Instead of it being loose and linked, it was tighter and tense. It didn’t have the flow it used to have.

I don’t remember much, but I remember enough. My brother, Tate, was staying later after school because he had a basketball game and usually, we’d take the bus home together. My mom told me take the bus because she’d be waiting for me at the bus stop a few houses away from ours but I decided to walk. It was a sunny day anyway and my friend was able to walk with me until we reached her house. So once we got to my friend’s house, we said bye and see you tomorrow. My house wasn’t too far away from hers. That’s when it happened. A black SUV drove past and within a blink I felt hands grab my shoulders tightly and I was inside it.

Art camp was a lie.

My slow brain finally made the connection. “You were the girl who got kidnapped.”

She nodded, biting down on her bottom lip. Trying to keep it all in. For her to have faced all that at a young age was so tough and unfair. It just highlighted how brave she was to be able to put herself back out there again.

“Holy shit,” I gasped, running my fingers through my hair. I felt like pulling it all out in frustration. She didn’t deserve it. I looked at Perez’s mugshot on the clipping. I hadn’t even met the guy, nor did he do anything to me, but there was an unquestionable hatred I had. He had mostly Latino features. Dark hair and tanned skin. A scar on his cheek and an arrogant look in his eyes. He looked amused, almost happy to have gotten caught.

They took me to an abandoned warehouse outside the city and tied me up to a chair. That’s when I saw him—Perez. I had seen his face so many times on the files my dad had around his office but seeing him in real life was terrifying. He only targeted me to get at my dad, apparently. If Tate was the one walking home, it would’ve been him. He had people watching my family for months. He even knew about you.

My stomach dropped at the last sentence. Perez was a sinister maniac. It was like realising the villains of your childhood—The Joker, The Shredder and Magneto—they were all real. You weren’t as safe as you thought you were. These were things of nightmares and Tori, she had already lived through it.

My hand shook a bit as I started writing my reply. I didn’t remember the last time I wrote something down by hand. My writing was still scrawny and barely legible.

What happened then?

She bit her lip as she wrote her answer. I was a lot braver back then compared to the way I am now. He told me to keep quiet and naturally, I made a lot of noise. He got mad so he held a gun against my skull, loading it so I would be silent. I hadn’t been so scared in my life. What he said to me still rings in my head all the time. Keep your mouth shut if you don’t want to get hurt. It’s been 15 years since I got kidnapped and I’m still scared of making a sound. I can still feel the gun pressed against my head.

Her hand was shaking as she continued to write. She dropped the pen multiple times and her tears, her pain, was visible. I took them from her and pulled her in the circle of my arms, holding her tight. I felt sick to my core knowing that it was all real. What made it even worse is that it had to be her, someone who meant so much to me.

“He can’t hurt you now,” I told her, stroking her blonde curls. “Your dad took him to prison. Perez can’t hurt you. You’re safe. I promise.”

But I knew I couldn’t protect her from her own mind. Whatever Perez did to her, I knew I couldn’t make her forget it. How could you anyway, if it had haunted you as you grew up? All I could was try to make sure that she was okay, and safe. This was the promise I wanted to keep, not just to her but to myself.

Her breathing was ragged. “I couldn’t talk about it after I was rescued. My mind shut down on me. Psychiatrist after psychiatrist, I couldn’t talk about it. Not even to you. I couldn’t let you know, nor did I want to. I just wanted to forget about it like it never happened but it’s still there up to now. Slowly, I pushed everyone away. My friends from school, my brother, my family...and nearly you. I felt like that was my punishment for not keeping quiet.”

“He can’t hurt you,” I echoed. “I promise. I know I can’t fix that as much as I want to. But I can promise you that I won’t leave. You don’t have to push me away because I’ll always be there for you.”

Despite the mood, she gave a wry smile. “I carry a lot of baggage, don’t I?”

I shrugged. “You unpacked a quite a bit today. It’s fine.”

She wrapped her arms over my shoulders, holding me tight, our heartbeats in synch. Two people on the road, helping each other out along the way. Who would’ve known that the girl of my dreams was my best friend all along? Tori was irreplaceable and I hated myself for all the times that I thought that I didn’t need her.

“I’m glad you’re hear, Tony.”

I held her a bit closer, letting her know that I was glad she was here too.




The past week had been focused on building ourselves back together. We weren’t necessarily unfixable. I saw us as puzzles, we had a few missing pieces but we ending up completely each other. And what I loved about this was that I got to see Tori get better which immediately made me feel good about myself too.

Her appetite gradually came back. Tori was back to eating three meals a day, although small, with a few snacks in between. Her kitchen was no longer barren, but slowly filled with a fresh supply of food. She didn’t seem as skeletal as she was. She didn’t look tired as she did when I came back. She got solid hours of sleep, and no nightmares either.

The sun had treated her well too. We had gone out a few times, just to grab the essentials for her apartment and that fresh air had livened her up a bit. Her skin had lost its sick paleness and had gained some of the sun’s golden touch. It felt good to get out of her apartment as well. Tori didn’t even remember when she walked out her front door.

Because she didn’t work anymore, her bills and rent had accumulated over the past two months. It was a relief to the both of us that she hadn’t been forced to evict her apartment. Given that she really wasn’t in a position to pay everything, I helped out. This sort of rose up an argument between us—she argued that she had enough money in her savings to cover everything but I insisted, saying that she would need the money to start herself back up again. Reluctantly, she let me pay off her bills, the costs of food and new art supplies and everything else. I knew if the tables were turned, I would’ve felt so guilty for having someone to take care of me, so I could feel where she was coming from. But we worked around. All it took was a bit of mint chocolate chip ice cream.

Tori had also gotten a call from a local restaurant offering to commission her for a painting, hence the need for new art supplies. She started working on it yesterday while I decided to check in on the life I left in San Diego. Jaime had let everyone know that I was back in Phoenix and they were fairly surprised. I got a call from my mom as well. She knew that I had been going through some stuff but she seemed comforted when I told her that I was with Tori. I guess she knew that if there was anyone who could ever make me feel better, it was her. She wished us well and hoped that I would bring Tori over to San Diego one day too.

Everything was starting to seem brighter again. Each day that haze was fading, only to grow clearer as they passed. I believed it too. The past was behind us and the future was no longer bleak. This was the new beginning we needed.

Today I woke up early again while Tori was still fast asleep. I would be lying if I said that I didn’t like waking up next to her. It was a reassurance that even though I had screwed up so many times, I must’ve done something right along the way to be able to see her every day. Her guitar pendant lay on the bed’s surface next to her. I couldn’t help but smile that she still had it. At the same time, I couldn’t believe that it meant so much to her.

Every day we had the same chocolate chip pancakes but while it provided us comfort and a sense of familiarity, it was fair to say that we’d gotten sick of them. I left a note on her fridge saying I would buy some breakfast and be back within an hour.

The smell of coffee and cigarettes filled the streets of Phoenix as it was getting ready to face a new day. I had lost track of what day of the week it was. It felt like a Friday though, judging from the weekend deals I saw.

The streets led me to a familiar one that I vaguely remembered but the small, cottage-like cafe with pots of flowers hanging along the porch triggered the memory. Its scent of French coffee pulled me. I had forgotten how popular this place was. There was already a big queue of people ordering flowers and breakfast, just like me.

To wait for the line to lessen, I looked through today’s picks of bouquets. While walking down, I was thinking about me and Tori and where we were in our relationship. We were still best friends or something more? I loved her—there was no doubting that but I felt like I was holding back from acting on it. I guess it was reasonable since I wasn’t completely a hundred percent okay either.

I managed to fight against the doubts I had. Tori wanted me around, and I had no intention of leaving. I told myself to just go for it. I didn’t have anything to lose. At the end of the day, I’d still have her.

I chose a bouquet of sunflowers and violets that perfectly contrasted each other. I remembered her telling me that they were her favourites. I hoped that they would brighten her day. Seeing her happy made me happy.

The same old man who owned the cafe smiled when he saw me as I came to pay for the flowers and order some food and coffee. As I was about to leave, he asked, “You found her, didn’t you?”

It still baffled me how he knew all along that Ella was Tori. Nonetheless, he seemed proud that I finally realised it myself. I nodded and he hoped we would be here sometime soon.

Walking back to Tori’s apartment was a bit of a challenge. The coffee holder balanced atop my left hand while my fingers on my right held tightly to the paper bag of croissants with the flowers. Some people took their time to give me a look as I walked past, including some fans who noticed it was me but I didn’t mind them. Other things occupied my mind. I wondered if Tori was up now.

Going up the stairs was torturous. The heat, my shirt sticking to my back and my perseverance to not spill the coffee was all worth it as I walked down the hallway. After knocking on the door I hid the flowers behind my back, hoping that I wouldn’t give it away too much.

When she opened the door, she gave a smile. “Hey you,” she greeted. “I was just about to call you.”

I returned her smile. She gained a bit more confidence to talk, not only just to me. When we were out she was able to speak to cashiers and clerks. She hasn’t resorted to her notepad even once, though she brought it with her whenever we went out. I was happy to see her stepping out of her shell. She inspired me to do so as well.

“Coffee?” I asked, offering her the cups which she took. She took a sniff and I could read what she was thinking. “Way better than instant, right?” I added, smirking a bit.

“Definitely,” she replied, opening the door further to let me in. She went over to the kitchen island, placing the coffee on it. Before she turned back around, I took the flowers from behind my back.

“I got some croissants too,” I said, shaking the bag in my other hand, making her turn around.

She was about to say something when she came back to face me but her eyes widened at the sight of the bouquet in front of me. “What...what are these for?”

I stepped forward a bit, closing the distance between us. She couldn’t help but giggle a bit and I swear, everything seemed perfect then. Even though her hair was slightly messed up from last night’s sleep and I was all sweaty from this morning’s errand, I couldn’t have imagined a better way to start the day.

“For you,” I answered, handing them over to her.

She took them in her hands, stroking one of the petals of a sunflower. “They’re beautiful, Tony.”

I felt my cheeks get hot a bit as I scratched the back of my neck nervously. “I remember you telling that you loved sunflowers and how your granddad used to give some to you whenever your family came to see them when you were younger. I wasn’t sure if you still do now but...”

She shook her head. “They still are my favourite,” Tori replied. “It’s amazing how you remembered.”

I shrugged. “You’re my best friend. I remember quite a few things,” I chuckled. This was something I wanted to remember ten, twenty years from now.

She rolled her eyes a little, going with the joke. “Oh, Tony.”

I was debating whether to ask her out. This week we’ve been trying to build things up after it had burned down. There were times where I thought that we were strong, and others where I still thought we had far to go. It wasn’t really a case of being one or the other, but both at the same time.

“Do you, y’know, wanna go out later?” I mumbled. “Like for dinner or whatever you want to do?”

She arched an eyebrow. “Are you asking me out?” she asked, her lips pulling into an amused grin. I felt myself blush even more.

“Well...yeah?” I replied. “I don’t know, like, I’m still kind of confused as to what we’re calling this right now but I know I don’t want to screw things up so just feel free to shoot me down—”

She leaned forward, interrupting me with a kiss on the cheek. I was starting to like this confidence even more.

“It’s a date,” she whispered in my ear before setting off to find a vase for the flowers.

Notes

(claire what are we gonna do when we run out of tony + dog pictures?)
lol hi
i felt like i could've made this chapter better whooops but it's a good thing we have Claire to make the next chapter even better
there are probs heaps of mistakes i'm sorry
oooh and this past week we've came up with some amazing ideas for this story that are just so 'yaaassss' and yeah we're excited. hope y'all are excited too. just trust us