I didn’t know what I expected when I opened the door. I didn’t expect anything. Once I opened it I almost forgot why I was even there. I spaced out a little into the space where I figured nobody was standing. I was surprised that my eyes showed me a person there—a person I wasn’t expecting.

I should have reacted a little, but I couldn’t move. My eyes analyzed him while he surely analyzed me.

I saw him take in a breath once we made eye contact. The eye contact confused me. His eyes looked like they were in so much pain. They were surrounded by darkness, heavy circles outlining them. He looked so tired. I felt like I recognized him from something, something that made my heart do flips in my chest. But I haven’t really felt much in my heart the past few weeks that I couldn’t really tell.

I wanted to say that it looked like Tony, but it really didn’t look like Tony. The real Tony wasn’t this skinny or tired looking. The real Tony had bright eyes and an easy smile. This Tony looked so sad and horrified at the same time. I couldn’t figure it out. My mind was playing tricks on me.

I imagined that I furrowed my eyebrows at the man in my doorway. I didn’t actually do it, though. I wasn’t sure if I had the energy to. I wasn’t sure if I remembered how to move my facial muscles properly. My brain was on the fritz.

If this were actually Tony, I didn’t understand why he looked so sick. So tired. So empty. I thought that Tony was okay. This entire time, I thought Tony wasn’t broken. I thought that was why he never came back.

But of course Tony was okay. I hurt him so bad that he was angry—why would he come back to this mess? I started to smile a little. It hurt but I couldn't help it. It was a bitter smile. I didn’t care.

“I’ve gone crazy,” I said with a chuckle. I think I started to cry. I usually couldn’t tell the difference between my crying and numb state. If tears wanted to come out, they did. “I’ve really gone crazy if I think I’m seeing you,” I murmured. I sniffed. I couldn’t really breathe. I tried to smile a little more. This was it. “This isn’t happening. I fell asleep again, didn’t I?”

I hated falling asleep. Sometimes I didn’t know if I was truly awake or just sleeping. I couldn’t distinguish what was really real. Well, maybe I could—I just didn’t bother to. What was the difference, anyway? I was going to be gone soon anyway, right?

“Tony” dropped what he was holding in his arms—a bag and a bear. I smiled a little at the bear. It made me feel something inside. He step towards me and pulled me close into his arms. Gently but firm. Like he was there. It made me feel something inside, too.

I shook “I’m sorry. I’m so sorry.” I sobbed and choked on my words. This had to be him. I needed him to hear this. The Real Tony. “It was all my fault. My fault…”

I cried and apologized endlessly. If this was The Real Tony, he needed to know. If it wasn’t actually Tony…

I mustered up some strength and hugged him back. I gripped his shirt tightly. I was desperate to know that my thoughts hadn’t gotten the best of me. I was trying to make this feel real. I was trying to make sure this was actually Tony. The Real Tony.

“Hey,” he whispered. He moved his hands and cupped my face. His palms were warm. I felt my heart rate calm down just with his touch. “We’re going to be okay,” he murmured.

For a moment, I felt a twinge of hope inside of me. It was weird; I haven’t felt that in a long time. I tried to smile again. But when I blinked, Tony’s image fuzzed out a little and I was afraid that it wasn’t just the blurring of my tears that made him look like he was going away. I was afraid that he was actually going away.

I shook my head. “You’re going to be gone when I wake up from this,” I said, my breath catching in my throat. “And… and I’m still going to be alone and I’d have lost everyone that I loved…” Everyone. My mom and dad. My brother. Who knew what they were up to these days? Who knew what Tony was up to these days?

“You haven’t lost anyone,” he said, gently patting my back. He let me lay my head against his chest. In this moment I started to believe that he was really real. The Real Tony. The heartbeat in my ear said so.

“I’m sorry, Tony,” I whispered. “I’m sorry I never told you.” I never told him that I loved him soon enough. I should have told him before any of this happened. I didn’t want to admit it because I didn’t want to lose our friendship. We lost it anyway. Maybe it wouldn’t have made a difference. Maybe it would have.

I never told him about what happened to me as a kid. Maybe then he’d understand why I was so shy, so nervous to meet him. Even though he was one of the only people on this planet that could make me feel comfortable. But maybe that comfort only came from behind a computer screen.

I should have at least told him that I was Ella. Before he found out the hard way. I should have never tried to change my persona. I should have never tried to be someone else for him. Because the girl here with sickly skin and weak bones and red paint smeared over her palms… this was me. This was the Tori that Tony didn’t know. This was the Tori I should have told Tony about. This was the Tori that shouldn’t be here but somehow, against all of the odds, still was.

But even so, I knew I couldn’t change any of my decisions. The Real Tony, I think, had his arms around me and I felt so content for the first time in months. I didn’t have many reasons to live for myself, but knowing that Tony was here—Tony cared enough about us to come back—gave me enough reason to try. I held onto him. I held onto the hope that we would both be okay. He brushed his fingers carefully through my hair. I could feel it. I could feel that even though things will be different, we would have this all behind us—one day we would be okay.



My thoughts lured me in and out of sleep. I let Tony wash the paint from my hands and arms. I sort of floated around while he took care of me. I remained quiet, afraid that words would shatter the peace of his presence. Horrible things would happen if I made a single sound.

When I cried, I did my best to hold them in silently so only my body trembled with the pressure of keeping it all inside. I stared into space to try and not think too much. Tony asked me questions but I only shook my head, having no clue what he was actually saying. I couldn’t process anything in my head.

I was brought back to reality when I felt a warm touch on my hand. Tony’s hand, maybe to remind me that he was still here. I was glad he did that. I was starting to forget. When he started to pull away, I linked my fingers through his. Even though I was distant and numb and afraid and hurt, I wanted him to know that I wanted him here. I needed to feel him here so I held his hand firmly.

Time passed irregularly. All of a sudden I was in my bed. I caught a glimpse of Tony moving towards my window, opening it and taking a deep breath in. Then I felt his palm on my cheek. My eyes fluttered close. My body shut down. I didn’t dream. I held tightly to the recent memory of Tony, afraid that once I got the energy to wake up again that he wouldn’t be here.




“Tony,” I murmured the moment my eyes flicked open. I immediately turned my head into my pillow, pressing my face into the cotton and muffling my breath, appalled at myself for speaking. I started to shake anxiously. I clenched my fists and shut my eyes tightly, shaking thoughts out of my head before they dared to cross.

Tony. If it hadn’t all been a dream, Tony was somewhere in my apartment. Or somewhere in Phoenix. I knew it was hot in here and I couldn’t imagine that he’d want to stay.

I carefully peeled myself out of bed. I felt a little dizzy once I stood up. I haven’t eaten anything in… I couldn’t remember the last time I ate something. For some reason, I felt worried about myself—I knew I should eat. I wanted to take care of myself all of a sudden. Why was that?

Tony, I chimed internally. I turned my head and saw that my bedroom window was open. I knew I wouldn’t have done that myself. Tony was really here.

I drew in a shaky breath. When I did, an intoxicating smell of pancakes filled my senses and I almost smiled. Tony was here and he was helping me pick myself back up, I knew it. I looked down at my hands. They weren’t bright red anymore, only a little pink, stained from the paint. Tony was here and he was helping me pick myself back up.

I tiptoed out of my room and timidly followed the smell of breakfast. There he was, flipping a pancake carefully. He looked upset. His eyes were struck with grief. He hadn’t noticed me yet. I was taken aback by Tony’s appearance—last night I had been hazy, not as perceptive of him. But today I was a little clearer.

He looked so small. Tired. Unhappy. So unhappy. His eyes were dark and sunken in. His face was thinner than I remembered. He wore a frown. I put my hand to my chest for a moment; seeing him like this made my heart physically hurt.

Tony looked up at me. We stared at each other for a few seconds. I didn’t know what to say.

Tony did. “You’re probably thinking what the hell I’m doing here.” He set down the spatula. “I’m still asking that myself. I hurt you. Again. And this time I don’t have an explanation…and this time I can’t expect you to forgive me. I think I just felt bad for the way I acted and wanted to make sure you’re okay.”

I wanted to scream at him. “NO!” I wanted to shout. Tony, my Tony. He had done nothing wrong. He left and he had every right to. I lied to him in the worst way possible. I had hurt him in the process of trying to protect myself.

I wished I could actually say that. He looked so beat up, so broken, so guilty, so sad. But it wasn’t him. God, it wasn’t him.

“I remember this one time, back in high school where everything was just dark and numb and the only thing that made me feel was the thought of an email from you when I got home. And lately, I’ve been feeling like that except this time, there’s nothing to look forward too. You were always there to comfort me when things got rough. Hell, you even stayed on the phone with me all night to calm me down. And looking back…it made me realize that I was a crappy friend.”

No, I thought. Tony couldn’t feel that way again. Not again. I would stay up for days for him. he used to be so bad back then, I couldn’t imagine him falling back into that place. It broke my heart. It made me forget about what was wrong with me. If Tony wasn’t okay, it all didn’t matter—my past, my anxiety, my numbness, my dissociative states. It all didn’t matter. I could put aside everything for him. No, I tried to tell him with my thoughts. I shook my head.

“No, I really was. I had no idea you had anxiety and I guess I didn’t make you feel like I was there enough for you to have told me. I get that. You were always there for me when I needed you and then some—when my dad died, through high school, even on the days when I felt low while on tour. I’m so sorry I wasn’t there for you, especially when you needed me most.”

But it wasn’t his fault that he wasn’t there for me! Because I never told him what happened! He was the best friend I have ever had in my life and I knew he would do anything for me just as I would for him. At least back then it was like that.

A pounding pressure in my head started to intensify. Tony was the farthest thing from a bad friend. I was a horrible friend. A selfish friend. I didn’t even think I deserved to call myself one. Friends were supposed to lift their friends up. I looked at Tony again, sinking at his appearance. I dragged him down. Tony was on his way to being so successful in his band and with his clothing company. Then I had to screw things up. I broke him. You weren’t supposed to break your friends—the person you loved.

Of course Tony would be better off without me. I was too much to handle even for myself. But I couldn’t imagine going through the pain in my life without Tony. Not having him would be worse than anything I’ve had to endure. Because even in the shitty times that he didn’t really know about, he was still here, making things better and happier and brighter.


Tony looked out the window. He didn’t look me in the eyes anymore. “I understand if you don’t want to see me anymore,” he shrugged. The lack of eye contact made me believe that he didn’t mean what he said. I couldn’t imagine wanting him to leave.

“I’ll leave. I’ll delete your number off my phone, remove you as any social media contact. You’ll be okay and eventually I’ll be too. But I want you to know that I’m sorry. Deeply.”

Bile was rising in my throat. I wanted to say something to him, but I couldn’t. I felt sick. I didn’t want Tony to blame himself for all of this. I didn’t want him to go, unless he wanted to of course.

“You were the greatest thing that ever happened to me, Tori Holt. And I’m sorry I screwed things up between us. A world without you was something I never wanted but it serves me right after what I’ve done to you. It’s what I deserve.” I couldn’t breathe. He had it all wrong. He didn’t deserve this pain.

You were the greatest thing that ever happened to me, Tony Perry. And I’m sorry I screwed things up between us. A world without you was something I never wanted but it serves me right after what I’ve done to you. It’s what I deserve.

“I know I say sorry a lot but I gotta apologise for one last thing,” he murmured.

The tears were hot on my cheeks. Even though it was suffocating-ly hot in my apartment, the tears were all I could feel.

Tony took a deep breath. I hear the air hitch in his throat. He looked so determined. So torn apart, but determined. It doesn’t have to be this way.

“I’m sorry for loving you, Tori.”

He hesitated before he turned away. I covered my mouth with my hands, gripping my nails into my cheeks to keep me from choking out a cry. I was starting to lose my breath.

He picked up his bag, slinging it over his shoulder and walking to the door.

I couldn’t let him go. I couldn’t let him wallow in guilt and regret. I couldn’t let him destroy himself. I couldn’t let myself destroy me, too. We needed to help each other. We needed to be together.

I wrapped my arms around his body, resting my head in between his shoulder blades. My silent plea. But I was afraid it wasn’t enough.

It was quiet, but I hoped it would be enough: “I’m not losing you again.”

Tony turned around; I loosened my arms around him so he could.

I looked up at him. He had an indistinguishable look in his eyes. He looked stuck between two things. I felt that way, too. I knew I had been a mess last night, but I wanted to be strong for Tony. He made me feel strong. He made me want to liven up.

“I-I’m not losing you again,” I repeated breathlessly, shaking my head a little.

Tears started to fall from his eyes. When he blinked, more bubbled out. I slowly lifted my hand and wiped away a stray tear with my thumb. He leaned into my hand. My Tony.

Why did he think that he had to leave in order to not hurt me? We would only hurt each other more the more time we spent apart. We could fix this. God knew my life depended on this being fixed. I couldn’t go on alone.

But I was also a source of his pain. He wasn’t like this when we first met in person. He was lively and happy. And now here he was, crying into my hand. His tears on my hand. His blood on my hand. I couldn’t let that happen.

“What do I do?” he asked quietly. I could see the war waging in his head. I could see it because I could feel the same war inside mine, too. Let’s fight it together.

It was the first word I had even spoken to Tony. I knew that I didn’t want it to be the last. So with the courage I could muster, I looked up at him hopefully. I needed him to know that he was not my pain—I was my own pain. My past was my pain. He was what would help me, I knew it. I needed him to stick around long enough to realize that. The last thing I wanted was for Tony to take the blunt of the blame for my wrongdoing. So this was for him just as much as it was for me.

“Stay.”

Notes

woAO that was fast hehe
i am FREE for the summer. freshman year of college = complete. honestly wtf lol. time is scary i prefer not to dwindle on about it.
sorry for the feels. happy soon, we promise.

(tony + cat is acceptable too i hope?) ilysfm. precious take your time. i keep mirroring your chapters so i feel like you're doing all of the work haha. sorry boo ily