Screams of Silence

Somehow I had managed to calm myself down, probably because I had just sort of given up. My mission to be someone else other than Tori had failed—like I had expected it to. I was giving up and submitting back into the real world.

I felt like a zombie the next few days. It was odd, seeing my blonde hair and blue eyes. I could almost see the little girl I used to be when I looked in the mirror. I tried not to look, though, because my features were no longer sweet and innocent—they were carved more roughly now, sadness and anger and hatred and disappointment and fear evident in every edge of my face. It just broke my heart to see that.

I didn’t feel anything in particular when I picked up my phone to call Tony. I knew I would have to talk to him—and face him—eventually. I had caused so much damage that he was soon to discover so I had already numbed myself for the argument that I knew was going to happen. Tony was so unexpecting and I knew I should feel guiltier, but that guilt somehow balanced out and disintegrated with the anger I felt for him not telling me about his band. Pierce the Veil! He had literally used my advice to him as the name for his band, and somehow he thought it would be a good idea to not tell me that.

But I guess it didn’t matter. I couldn’t change what I did, a deception a lot worse than Tony’s. I was sure he had his reasons, like I had mine. I only hoped that he’d stick around long enough to hear me out.

At the end of the day though, I didn’t need to hear Tony’s reasons. It wasn’t until now, when the idea that I may never get to see Tony again after this week became very plausible, that I realized how much I loved him.

I loved him. I wanted to fix things and make it right between us. I was scared that it wouldn’t work out—and the rational part of my brain told me that it wouldn’t, at least not right now—so I built up my armor and spoke somewhat easily into the phone—doing what I did best: acting.

He answered the phone with a casually hello, and I wondered if he knew it was me who was calling. I bit my lip. “…Tony?”

He was quiet for a moment. I swore I could hear his breath stop for a moment before it turned shallow and cautious.

“Hi,” I said gently.

“Hi,” he repeated, his voice wary. Did he know that I was calling for business? Did his band manager even tell him that I was the one who was supposed to design their next album artwork? Was he freaking out just as much as me?

Silence passed between us and I wondered if he could hear my thoughts. Maybe he felt guilty too. Maybe we could just get over the whole thing and try again. Maybe he’d let me explain myself, maybe he’d forgive me. God knows I’ve already forgiven him.

“I guess we’re due for a chat, aren’t we?” I asked, forcing a small chuckle. It was sort of a sad laugh, too.

“Yeah,” he replied. The silence between us was thick and awkward. I went straight to business, not bothering bringing up any kind of reconciliation because Tony didn’t even know what I did, yet. It didn’t feel real that he was going to find out in less than an hour.

I cleared my throat. “Do you have a pen and paper with you?”

I gave him my address and Tony said he would meet me in half an hour. I felt like I was going to be sick when I hung up the phone. I knew that his lie was not nearly as bad as mine but I wished that it were, so we could call it even and move on. I was terrified though that we wouldn’t be able to move on from mine. It was so much worse, more hurtful, more relationship changing. I didn’t want to lose Tony but I could already feel that I was going to. I didn’t know how he was going to react when I explained my absence the past few weeks but I knew it wasn’t going to be good.

I was just so damn stupid though: I didn’t expect him to figure it out so quickly. I should have. Of course he would realize that he has walked to my apartment before. Of course he would recognize my face and my voice as belonging to the girl he spent the last few days closely with. I knew I’d recognize his lips anywhere; I didn’t realize that it went both ways.

The moment I opened my door, the moment I bravely opened my mouth, forced a smile, and said hi to Tony, his face was in complete shock.

“Ella?” His head tilted to the side. My stomach flipped. I calmed my breathing and sighed a little, stepping to the side. Maybe we could handle this maturely—even though all I have been this entire time was immature.

I gulped. “I know this is weird and all but I can explain. Why don’t you go inside?” I offered carefully.

Tony was so familiar to me in person now—from my time with him when I was ‘Ella’—that I forgot I wasn’t familiar to him in person. When I reached out for his hand—instinct—he recoiled.

“Who are you?” he asked.

“I’m Tori—“

“No. Ella, I get that you might feel pity towards me about not seeing her since I came here but you didn’t have to do this,” he rushed out. He looked sick. He looked hurt beyond belief. He looked like he wasn’t even breathing. His hands were shaking. Mine started to shake in response. He lifted his hands and held his head between them. He went back and forth between me and the floor, shaking his head, wobbling a little, trying to make sense of what he was seeing. I remained still in the doorway, cowardly and numb.

“There is no Ella, Tony,” I whispered. “You were with me all this time…Tori. The only reason you couldn’t find her was because she was next you. I was next to you. I was so scared you’d find out…”
Tony fixed his eyes on mine. His were wide with shock but after a moment, they softened, his face falling ever so slightly and his eyes closing a bit as he realized who I was. The soft look only last a moment, though, because then his eyes darkened to a near black with sadness and hurt.

I tried reaching out again. “Tony, let me explain.”

“There’s nothing to explain,” he snapped. I flinched back. The numb exterior I had prepared before seeing him was fading away—I was beginning to feel everything again. The walls were down and my skin was vulnerable. I felt like I was going to fall apart at the seams any moment; I didn’t know if I could keep it together much longer. “You…you were lying to me this whole time. This whole goddamn time!” Tony laughed bitterly. Tears sprung in my eyes. I blinked them away the best I could. “Why didn’t you tell me? Instead of leading me on by being someone you aren’t, why couldn’t you have just told me the truth?”

“I didn’t want you to find out this way,” I answered as calmly as possible. My voice shook anyway.

“So you thought this way was better?” he scoffed. “What else have been lies? This past twenty years?”
That stung. The last thing I wanted was for Tony to question the entirety of our relationship. Instead of breaking down, though, I fired back. “You’re not the only one who’s been keeping secrets! How come I never knew about Pierce the Veil, huh? Why’d I have to find out my best friend was in a band through my job? I know I’ve screwed things up but this is something that you don’t just forget to mention.”

“Don’t turn this against me when you’re the one at fault,” he said, on the verge of yelling. Tears started to flow more quickly out of my eyes.

“Yeah, it’s my fault,” I said, my voice breaking. “It’s always my fault.” My head was spinning. Everything leading up to this horrible moment was my fault. If I had listened to my mom and not walked home alone from the bus stop that damn day, maybe I would be a normally functioning human right now. Maybe I wouldn’t have pushed my own family out of my life. Maybe I wouldn’t be losing Tony.

I took ragged breath. “I never wanted to hurt you, Tony. You should know that.”

He shook his head. “It’s too late for that now isn’t it? Why…why couldn’t you have told me the truth?”

I bit my lip. The tears were hot and blinding and my heart ached. “And tell you that I had severe anxiety to the point that I can’t talk to people? That I have trouble socializing verbally in real life but I have no problem talking to you online?”

“I don’t know if you’ve noticed but I had no problem with talking with you when you were Ella. What would make you any different?” he tilted his head to the side, his eyes accusing but also curious.

I wanted to tell him the truth, but at the same time I felt like doing so would be guilting him into staying. “You don’t understand,” I murmured, shaking my head.

“Yeah, I don’t,” he replied, his words so bitter I could almost feel the acid stinging on my skin. “That’s because even though it’s been twenty or so years, you still don’t trust me enough to talk about what’s been bothering you or what’s wrong in your life. I’ve told you almost everything and you can’t do the same for me.”

“Tony, I do trust you—“

“Then why couldn’t you just tell me?” He shifted on his feet in frustration.

I stared at him blankly, my tears falling consistently. I didn’t bother wiping them away because I just knew more would take their place. I didn’t know what to say to Tony anymore. I could see something change in his eyes, a change that made my heart break even more than it already was.

I could see in his eyes that he had given up, similar to how I was feeling an hour ago in preparation for our reuniting. There was nothing neither of us could do. We were at the point of no return… it was all gone. Over. Tony looked at me like he didn’t even know me.

Maybe he didn’t.

My chest caved when he turned away. I put my hand over my mouth to cover the sound of my crying. I didn’t want him to leave me. I needed him in my life but I couldn’t force him to say.

“I didn’t want to lose you,” I said quietly, clutching my hands at my chest. It was as if I was holding my own heart from running away with Tony. I couldn’t breathe.

He turned around carefully, glancing at me. His eyes were red and I could hardly look at him straight. I didn’t want to remember him this way. This wasn’t supposed to be how it ended. It was never supposed to end. Not like this, at least.

“You had no idea how in love I was with you, didn’t you?” he murmured. He let a breath go, sighing weakly, and then he turned away.

I closed my eyes because I didn’t want to see him walking away. I couldn’t see him leaving my life for what I figured would be for good.

Notes

basically a mirror of precious's last chapter, but tori's POV. So it probs shouldn't have taken me this long to write... for that I apologize. Also we apologize for the heaviness of recent chapters.
allow me to continue this tradition of apologizing via cute tony-puppy pic:

much love, readers. <3
*passes writing stick to beauty and brains of this story*