Six months later

The San Diego heat came bearing down on me as I packed the last of my belongings in the boot of my car. I thought I would’ve grown a tolerance to the heat after living this is city for basically all my life but it always seemed to surprise me.

I closed the boot and took out the keys from my shorts pocket, looking at the house that I had called home for the past couple years. Many memories, both good and bad, made this departure bittersweet.

“Tony,” a voice came from behind. I immediately knew who it was. To be honest, I wanted to avoid it. I didn’t want this to be a big deal. I didn’t need it.

I turned, facing it. Facing him. “Jaxin.”

We stood a couple of feet away from each other. The past few days we had grown more and more estranged. We were brothers. Brothers fought. But sometimes there are fights that can’t be resolved.

I had told him I was moving out two days ago. He didn’t protest or tried to stop me to see if we could work things out. He just agreed. He stayed out of the way as I went up and down the hallways of our—well, now his—house, collecting the things that belonged to me. The boxes of Key Street clothing stayed in his basement. Though I was entitled to half of the company, I didn’t want any of it.

Jaime had come earlier today to help me move my stuff to my new apartment on the other side of town. All the guys knew about our dispute and understood my decision. I guessed that they were sad things had turned out the way they did. It wasn’t like I could’ve done anything about it. Life’s funny like that.

He held the back of his neck with his hand, a habit we both shared when we felt uncomfortable or nervous. “Have you got everything?”

I nodded. “Yeah,” I replied stoically.

He mirrored my action. “Um, good. I guess you better be on your way. Beat the traffic, y’know?”

“Yeah,” I repeated, nodding again. Despite being mad at him, part of me wanted to be amicable with him. Jaxin and his family had let me stay with them, after all. It would be so disappointing to just throw that friendship away.

“Take care of yourself, man,” he said with a grave look in his eyes.

“You too.” I started to head back to my car before he spoke again.

“Tony,” he called out, his voice carrying his slight accent.

“What?” I answered, not rudely but not pleasantly either.

“I hope you make up with her one day,” he replied in an earnest tone.

I thought back to that night when I had found out. How I ran back to the hotel, more messed up than ever, and checking out without giving it a second thought. How I had gotten back to San Diego in the middle of the night and startling Jaxin and Nat when they found me on their couch surrounded in half empty bottles. How I had never told them what happened, yet they ended up knowing. They knew I was broken, devastated. Numb. I guessed my numbness was what made things fall apart between us.

I didn’t reply. I couldn’t. The memory still felt so raw to the point where it played over and over in my mind. Painful to remember but impossible to forget.

“And I know I’m in no place to say this but I really hope you two will be okay. She made you happy. Even though you came back, you weren’t there. You left something behind in Phoenix and you haven’t been the same since.”

I sighed. “I wish it were that simple.”

“Just look after yourself,” he repeated. “And good luck for, whatever,” he added with a shrug.

After muttering a thanks, I hit the road. Cruising the streets always used to clear my head but now it still left me confused and with a bigger emptiness than before. I was incomplete. I guess I always had been ever since I arrived, but lately I’ve just been more aware of it.

The radio began to play a song that triggered more memories of her. I stopped listening to music and rarely paid attention mine as well. I didn’t care. She was inspiration behind each chord and note. She brought music back into my life when I couldn’t hear it. Now she was the reason why I couldn’t stand it.

I recognised Vic’s voice as the chorus came. I faintly remembered him talking about collaborating with a new band.

‘Don’t make me wait for a falling star
I’ve been afraid that the blood in my heart
Won’t sing for me a melody that’s ours
Drown me in the rain, I’d swim and sink for you…’

I found it ironic how it was so relatable. She was the falling star and I had been foolishly waiting for her to shine for me. Had I been waiting for a wish to come true or had I been wasting my time all along?

I was pacing by the boarding gate. I just wanted to get out. Every now and then my phone would ring. Every time I would ignore it. I knew who it was. My phone used to ring frequently but now they were less regular. The last time it rang was about ten minutes ago when I had checked into the airport.

Giving into temptation, I checked my phone, listening to all the voice messages she had left. She never called. I guessed this just went to show how much I never truly knew her as I thought I did.

“Tony, please,” she recorded, sounding sad and worried. Tears lingered in her voice. “I’m sorry. I didn’t mean to hurt you. I made things get out of hand. Please come back…I loved you too.”

Each word stung. My heart believed it but my head did not. They never seemed to be in sync with one another.

The third message was interrupted by a dial tone—she was calling again. I blankly stared at her photo on the screen. Everything I wanted, everything I couldn’t have.

I let myself have this. I swiped the answer button and held the phone to my ear. I heard her ragged breathing and I know she could hear mine.

“Tony?” she whispered.

When I first came to Arizona, I was so excited to meet her for the first time. The thought of seeing and hearing her came in a flood. I was so in love with her. And what was so pathetic was that I still was. Somewhere along the way I had figured that no matter what she did, no matter how many times she hurt me, part of me was still going to love her. Besides, how could you forget the one you first loved? They were your first tattoo, you first scar that left a mark on your soul. There was no other feeling that surpassed the rush of ecstasy they gave you or the disappointment you felt when they crushed your hopes.

Now I was going and that excitement was gone. I didn’t want to see her. I didn’t want to listen to what she had to say. But I was still so in love with her. I was hers to break. I always was.

“Are you there?” she asked quietly, almost desperately.

It took a while for me to reply. This was our goodbye. I had to let her know. “Yes.”

“Where are you?”

I looked around. The boarding gate was slowly filling up for this late night flight. Tired travellers were close together, leaning on each other about to fall asleep while others were staring at their phones, headphones in, not minding other people’s business. “Does it matter?”

“Tony—“

“Save your breath,” I answered. “Just forget about it. Everything.”

“No,” she replied, her voice sounding firmer. “We always try to shove our problems aside and act like they never happened but it doesn’t work. It’s not healthy. We can’t keep running away from ourselves.”

And that’s what I was doing. Running away. Classic Tony Perry. Never the one to stand his ground or fight for what he loved. He was okay with losing and leaving when things got too hard. He didn’t want to take risks or chances. He was comfortable being trapped in his shell of security. Tony Perry: the one who ran away.

“I know…I know I’ve screwed things up between us,” she continued. “Beyond repair. I don’t expect you to forgive me because I wouldn’t feel like doing that either if I was you. But you must know that I loved you too. And I’m not just saying that because you said it first. I’m saying that because I did fall in love with you. I fell in love with the boy behind every letter and email and I got the chance to fall in love with him again in person. Even though these past few days weren’t as you expected—even though you wanted the real me but got Ella instead—they were the best days of my life.”

The words always repeated in my head the past six months. They were louder than any and every sound. They were the first thing that played in the morning and what put me to sleep. Sometimes that whole night would replay in my dreams, each one a little different from the rest but nevertheless still had the same results—a feeling of regret.

I pulled into the driveway and leaned back into my seat. She hadn’t left me anything since that call. Nor had I for her. It felt so sickening just to think about it—to have something you had for so long to be absent.

Jaime startled me by knocking on my window, a mischievous grin creeping on his face because of his antics. He as well knew something was up ever since I got back but he didn’t pry. He was the most patient in terms of how I’d been acting and even volunteered to help me settle into the apartment.

We walked up to the stairs to the second floor in silence, each carrying a box of my belongings. Most of my stuff was transported by a moving truck which we unloaded earlier. The remaining things were boxed up in my car. We only had a few up and down that were in silence. After setting down the boxes on the island counter, he clapped my shoulder.

“You alright?” he asked. Though he was mostly easy going, he did have his serious side. He’d been showing his more serious side more often which undoubtedly was because of me as well. I wished everyone stopped looking at me like I was bomb about to detonate. Yes, I was messed up and probably had some really bad days, but I was still functional.

I nodded. “Yeah. Thanks again for helping me, Hime. I really appreciate it.”

“Always happy to help out a bro,” he smiled. “You want me to help you unpack? I could ask Jess to come over with some take out. I’m starving.”

“Nah, you’ve helped out so much already. Go enjoy the rest of your night.”

“Consider this me throwing you a solid that I’ll come to collect later on, yeah? I’ll stay for another hour or so. Does chipotle sound good?”

Soon enough, Jaime had called Jess and he was sorting out the living and kitchen area while I sorting out my new bedroom. There was soft music playing from Jaime’s phone in the next room. As I placed sheets on the bed, I heard Jaime come in.

“Hey, did you take one of Ruby’s toys?” he asked.

I turned around to see him hold up a teddy bear with chocolate brown fur with a quizzical look on his face.

I straighten up, taking the bear from him. “No. I didn’t realise I brought this with me back from Arizona.”

He shrugged. “Whose is it?”

Her name couldn’t escape from my lips. “I won it from a fair.”

“This was tucked in its bowtie as well,” Jaime added, handing me a folded up piece of paper. A quick scan of it made me snap, realising what I had to do.

She was right. Even though my time in Phoenix was not what I expected, they were the best days I’ve ever had too.

I handed in the bear and grabbed a duffel bag that was lying around. It already had some clothes in it so I just stuffed in whatever I could find.

“What are you doing?” Jaime asked.

“I gotta go,” I told him frantically, searching for my passport. “Back to Phoenix. I screwed up so badly. I have to make it right. I can’t lose her again.”

I expected him to challenge me, to be the voice of reason. But he just gave me a satisfied grin. “I’ll go check when the next flight is,” he said, messing up my hair before taking my laptop.

I was restless during the flight. My fingers couldn’t stay still and I was tapping my foot non-stop. I tried keeping them still by having them on my lap but it lead to me wringing them around and making me conscious that they were sweating. The person next to me picked up on it.

“Nervous about landing, are we?” the man next to me chuckled.

I looked at him, sort of dazed after being on edge for the past two hours. “We’re landing soon?”

He nodded, chuckling again as he settled into his seat for the descent.

Once the plane had finished taxiing and the pilot switched off the seatbelt light, I was on my feet. I grabbed my bag and checked off as soon as I could. The hot air hit me the moment I stepped out of the air conditioned airport and I took back what I thought about San Diego being too hot. The coastal sun was nothing compared to the desert heat.

I hailed for a taxi, blurting out her address to the driver once I got in. the traffic was moving slowly and with each passing moment I was beginning to doubt myself. What if she didn’t want to see me? I had pushed her away so many times that it would be foolish for her to forgive me. What if she didn’t even live in her apartment anymore or I gave the wrong address to the driver? Everything was spinning. My head was throbbing. My heart was beating and I felt like I had to have my hand on my chest to keep it steady.

The taxi drove through a familiar street and I relaxed a little, relieved that I was heading the way I wanted to go. But I still had my doubts that grew stronger as I neared her apartment. What if she had moved on and wanted nothing to do with me? What if I was just a mess and she was perfectly okay?

Just…just pierce the veil, a little voice told me.

I paid the driver and took my bag, looking at the lit up apartment complex. It still looked the same. Two big memories came back to me—one good and bad. The bad one of Tori, once more breaking my heart. And the good one of her as well, being Ella, the first time I kissed her—the time I felt like I was being fixed. I took out the bear, sort of squished from all the things I brought. Everything was such a rush that I didn’t even know if I packed the right things. Then again, I didn’t really know what I was setting myself up for me once I got on the fight.

I fluffed it up—it really was hers. Even if she didn’t want me, it was still hers to keep. I guess part of me would still be, too.

“You ready, buddy?” I asked before heading up the stack of stairs. Though I felt gross after walking up, I felt cold and rigid—afraid.

Sometimes the bravest things you do make you feel shit-scared, I figured.

I walked closer to that familiar door down this familiar hallway until it blocked my path. This was either going to make or break me. I didn’t know which one I was more afraid of.

I knocked on the door.

Notes

wow this is getting intense
here's the apology for this weird update and im sorry that my writing is not up to par with the better half of this story (claire man take your time hahaha)
i want a beagle

have a nice easter too or if you dont celebrate it, then i hope you had a rad weekend :) treat yo self