There were only three fights that I had with Tori that I distinctly remembered.

The first one happened when we were seven—crap, almost over twenty years ago—over something trivial that felt like a big deal at the time. Come to think of it, it was more of a heated debate about which was the best ninja turtle. She had told me that I was acting like Donatello (my favourite at the time), an annoying know-it-all while I told her that she was stupid like Michelangelo (her favourite at the time). I think my dad had noticed that I hadn’t been writing to her and the lack of letters coming in from the mail with an Arizona stamp. That’s when he told me that Tori was the type of friend who meant more to me than I knew at the time and that we’d make up eventually. He was right about both things.

The second ‘big’ fight we had was around junior year—homecoming season. A match lit when she told me that someone asked her to the dance and something else ignited when she went on about the guy taking her. I blamed her for not realising that I had always liked her before any other guy had but I blamed myself for not having the guts to tell her how I really felt. And everything exploded when she told me to open up to my feelings. At the time it was like a secret I wanted to confide in her with but there was also no way I could tell her. I guessed lately it was becoming less of a secret and more of a truth that wasn’t talked about.

That fight lasted for a pettily long time too. It was my fault for dragging it out. She had sent emails, a few letters and a Christmas card—all that I didn’t reply to. I couldn’t face her. I couldn’t face myself. She was the escape I needed but reality had crept up behind me. I still cringed whenever I think about it. If I had said something different—the truth—everything would have changed. We wouldn’t be caught up in this mess that was happening now…our third and current major fight.

I was back in the comfort of my hotel room, staring at the small green circle on my computer screen, signalling that she was available too. The cursor was hovering above her name but my finger was unable to make the click. Was she doing the same thing?

My head still couldn’t grasp the idea that we were in the same city, maybe even just miles apart, but weren’t doing anything to see each other. I’d have to meet her eventually to discuss concepts of the new album cover but it felt like that was just an excuse to see her. An ulterior motive to demand her company.

Sighing loudly, exasperatedly, I closed my laptop. I couldn’t think. I didn’t want to think. Everything was so tangled and I was doing my best avoiding it, as if pushing it further and further into my mind would make the mess disappear.

Placing it aside, I stretched and lay down on the bed. While I was gone, I figured some hotel staff had come here to clean up. The bed was neatly made with the pillows fluffed and Ella’s teddy bear propped up between them. I took the bear and held it, its chocolate scent wafting through the air. Ii wondered how she was and whether she really felt okay after last night. It had been a crazy twenty four hours.

I felt like I knew so much about her but it was only so little. She was just Ella. A perfect stranger. I didn’t know who she was, what it was like for her growing up—I didn’t even know her last name for crying out loud. Just Ella. Simple and sweet, still a mystery. I didn’t know what I was feeling with her. There was this familiar warmth about her and it was so easy to feel comfortable around her, as if we had known each other in a past life or something. She made a marathon feel like a walk around the coast. Ella, Ella, Ella…

“Who are you?” I murmured. I wished I could go back to earlier this morning where she was next to me sleeping. The warmth of her skin was addictive and comforting, making me feel alive and safe. Because maybe she was here, she’d hear me. And maybe she would let me know.

---

“Yeah, yeah, Vic, I hear you,” I told him through the phone. Michelle had given him the contact details of the company designing the album cover and he was passing it on to me. It had been a few days since I last heard from him and he sounded just as pumped.

“I have a good feeling about this, Tony,” he exclaimed. “About everything, really.”

“That’s awesome,” I replied, trying to catch some of his enthusiasm when really I wasn’t feeling it. I still hadn’t coming to terms with patching things up with Tori nor had I seen Ella either. I was beginning to miss her presence. The day seemed awfully quiet without her.

“So you’re cool with talking to Tori about the album art?” he asked. “I’d want to head over there myself too but I can’t seem to get out of my studio,” he chuckled. “The writing juices have been flowing nonstop.”

“Don’t worry, dude,” I answered. “I flicked her an email a while ago for an appointment with her,” I lied. “She hasn’t gotten back yet—I’m guessing she’s really high in demand—but I’m sure we’ll meet up soon.”

“Alright. Tell me how it goes, okay?”

“Sure thing.”

“And come back soon so we can start recording,” he joked lightly but I could tell he was eager to get cracking.

“You just mentioned that you were still writing,” I retorted.

“I know I did but I’m excited to start making the demos.”

“I know, man. I’ll catch up with you guys later.”

After he hung up I awoke my laptop screen. It was still on the app where Tori and I, well, used to talk to each other with. There was still a green dot next to her name with a tiny icon of herself. I wondered if the tension was killing her as much as it killed me. I may be mad at her, but friends always came through no matter what.

Instead of emailing her like I had told Vic, I searched up the company she worked for which did all kinds of stuff aside from album covers. They also made advertisements, the types you’d still in billboards or magazines. It was one of Arizona’s leading marketing companies despite it being relatively new.

I was scrolling through some previous works that they did, some which were really impressive and some that I could tell had Tori’s input, when my phone began to ring again. Blindly, I answered it, assuming it was Vic who had something else to mention.

“Hello?” I answered casually.

There was a shuffle on the end of the line after a pause. “…Tony?”

I froze. It had been so long since I heard that voice.

“Tori?” I asked, dazed, confused, mad but still a bit relieved to finally hear from her. Dazed because I was in disbelief that I was talking to her, confused because she rarely spoke on the phone and mad, both at myself and at her for some God forsaken reason.

I heard her take a breath before speaking again. “Hi,” she said gently.

“Hi,” I echoed. This felt so weird. I didn’t expect us to be communicating this way, especially after not talking to each other for weeks.

Silence passed between us and I wondered if she could hear my thoughts. Whether I should be angry, because she avoided meeting me, or happy to finally hear from her again. I honestly hated fighting with her because it meant that I was pushing away someone who’d been there for me more times than I’d care to admit. Sometimes I’d worry that I’d push her too far away for her to want to come back.

“I guess we’re due for a chat, aren’t we?” she asked, adding a chuckle. I could feel the sadness in her voice. There was no sign of reconciliation in her voice—just business.

“Yeah,” I replied, running a hand through my hair desperately. I was getting frustrated. I wanted to apologise for everything but I was expecting her to say sorry. I was expecting her to say something. To say that we’d be okay or that we were done.

She cleared her throat. “Do you have a pen and paper with you?”

She gave me address where we could meet up and I told her that I’d meet her in there at half an hour. I wasn’t sure why, but all of this felt like a beginning of a goodbye, the beginning of the goodbye I had prayed that I would never have to say. I hated how our friendship was barely holding on. We’d been so close, only to be torn apart by things we’ve neglected to tell each other. But all good things have its inevitable end and this was the start of it. My worst fear was happening. I was losing Tori. I could feel her slip away from me. She was missing from me. I still needed her, but it seemed like she could do just fine without me. Maybe I was holding to something that I wasn’t supposed to. Maybe I didn’t want to let her go because in a world that was so busy and ever-changing, Tori was the only thing that kept constant.

Despite the desert heat in Arizona, the night brought a bit of a chill. I rubbed my arms, wishing that I had brought a light jacket or something with me when I walked past the café that I was supposed to meet Tori in but ended up seeing Ella instead. I remembered the feelings of excitement and anticipation I had when I was going to meet her for the first time. How the thought made me shaky at the knees and clumsy. I remember my imagination trailing off to all these scenarios to when I’d see her in the flesh for the first time. All of that had died down it a numbing feeling in the back of my mind because Tori had let me down so many times that I knew it wouldn’t bother me as much if she disappointed me again.

For the first time, I was finally missing San Diego. I missed the times when I was growing up and spoke to her every day. Those days, I had the security that she was still my best friend and that she still wanted me around. With her around, I knew that no matter what, she was still going to be there for me. Tori was the person who would never leave me.

Was it all about to change?

I stood in front of the building where she sent me to go. I felt like I had been here before. Maybe I had passed it a couple times. I headed up the stairs to the third floor, now relieved that I didn’t bring a jacket because it was beginning to feel muggy and humid.

Taking out the piece of paper I had scrawled the address on, I looked at the apartment number, double checking I was standing in front of the right door. I swore that I was living in a déjà vu moment or something because it had felt like I had walked up here before.

I took a deep breath and gave two quick knocks against the dark wooded door. Here goes nothing, I thought. I was caught in a limbo of wanting to be here and wanting to disappear.

Before I considered knocking again, I heard light footsteps walk up and stop. The door knob creaked slightly and the door went ajar until fully opening.

Blonde hair and blue eyes.

She smiled. “Hi, Tony.”

But they were on a different person.

“Ella?”

That’s who I saw. Who I thought was in front of me. But at the same time it wasn’t her. An illusion. A dream. A terribly beautiful dream.

She stepped to the side, exposing the inside of her apartment. “I know this is weird and all but I can explain. Why don’t you go inside?”

She reached for my hand but I stepped back. “Who are you?” I asked.

“I’m Tori—“

“No. Ella, I get that you might feel pity towards me about not seeing her since I came here but you didn’t have to do this.” I couldn’t breathe. I was trembling and everything was caving in. everything was growing dark. There was a throbbing pain at my chest like my heart just wanted to escape from inside of me. I held my head in my hands, feeling dizzy and nauseated. This wasn’t her. It wasn’t her. It was just Ella feeling sorry for me. I’ve spent the last three weeks waiting for Tori to magically appear in front of me and she’s finally cracked and was trying to make me feel better. This wasn’t real.

“There is no Ella, Tony,” she said. “You were with me all this time…Tori. The only reason you couldn’t find her was because she was next you. I was next to you. I was so scared you’d find out…”

I stared her and she matched me with her blue eyes, big and bright. What was surreal was that she was right. They were the same person. The same delicate features, the identical height and build, the exact necklace resting between her collarbones. Though her short hair made a difference, there was no denying that she really was Tori.

She tried reaching out again. “Tony, let me explain.”

“There’s nothing to explain,” I snapped which caused her to flinch back. “You…you were lying to me this whole time. This whole goddamn time!” I laughed bitterly, tasting bile in my throat. “Why didn’t you tell me? Instead of leading me on by being someone you aren’t, why couldn’t you have just told me the truth?”

“I didn’t want you to find out this way,” she answered calmly though her voice was betraying her.

“So you thought this way was better?” I scoffed. “What else have been lies? This past twenty years?”

“You’re not the only one who’s been keep secrets!” she shot back. “How come I never knew about Pierce the Veil, huh? Why’d I have to find out my best friend was in a band through my job? I know I’ve screwed things up but this is something that you don’t just forget to mention.”

“Don’t turn this against me when you’re the one at fault,” I almost yelled.

“Yeah, it’s my fault,” she said a little softer, light reflecting off her tears. “It’s always my fault.” I wasn’t sure what I hated more—the fact that I never noticed the striking similarities between her and the person she pretended to be or the fact that she was crying because of us. We were one of the things that kept me together but at the same time, we were so destructive. We were falling apart, and frankly, I was too shocked and too hurt to do anything about it.

She took ragged breath. “I never wanted to hurt you, Tony. You should know that.”

I shook my head. “It’s too late for that now isn’t it? Why…why couldn’t you have told me the truth?”


“And tell you that I had severe anxiety to the point that I can’t talk to people? That I have trouble socialising verbally in real life with I have no problem talking to you online?”

“I don’t know if you’ve noticed but I had no problem with talking with you when you were Ella. What would make you any different?”

“You don’t understand,” she said, shaking her head.

“Yeah, I don’t,” I replied, feeling the bitterness and acid in my words. “That’s because even though it’s been twenty or so years, you still don’t trust me enough to talk about what’s been bothering you or what’s wrong in your life. I’ve told you almost everything and you can’t do the same for me.”

“Tony, I do trust you—“

“Then why couldn’t you just tell me?” I asked in frustration.

She stared about me blankly, not even bothering to wipe away the tears. We were at the point of no return. Whatever we had—it was gone. This friendship…this love—it was all over. I was looking at a whole different person, someone who I thought I had known so well. But she was someone completely different all along. She was no longer my girl from Phoenix.

I turned away, my chest feeling heavy. I felt dizzy, but I couldn’t stay here. I had to go. I had to be away from here, away from her. It was ironic to think that the person I was so desperate to meet was the person who I was trying to get away from.

“I didn’t want to lose you,” she said quietly. It was the only thing holding me back right now. The only thing keeping me from running away like I always did.

I allowed myself to steal a glance. So this was how I was going to remember her—a memory of almost being something and how we had both fucked up. A dream I was about to wake up from and one that I couldn’t have again. A dream that was almost good enough to be true before getting stabbed in the back by the truth of our lies.

“You had no idea how in love I was with you, didn’t you?” I murmured before walking away, taking the stairs two at a time and never looking back.

Notes

much time has passed

hi guys :) hope y'all are good. i haven't been on here in a while but i'm glad to have written this because this is finally rolling and claire and i are so excited for what's to come.

again, this update may have hurt a bit so here's an apology pic (i feel like it's becoming our thing haha)

but yeah. looking forward seeing seeing what you guys thought about this and what not. it's going to be a bumpy ride from here on in--hold on tight!
you go claire bear <3
love you babes xx