I felt like with him, I didn’t need to speak. Our way of communication was deeper than that—I didn’t need superficial expressions of admiration or mindless small talk to pass the time. We had eyes to see—mouths to taste. And his, well, his tasted a lot like mint chocolate chip. I was out of breath completely when our lips delicately parted. My hands curled against the skin of his cheek and our foreheads rested together. Tony gently squeezed me and I breathed out, lost for a moment in the limbo that was my own mind. I closed my eyes and gripped tightly to the memory of Tony’s lips on mine, for who knows how long I’d get to keep it.

The silence broke; Tony asked something quietly. A question that was typical Tony—always doubting himself in some way. I shook my head against his, so he could feel it and really know that I didn’t want to pretend like our kiss didn’t happen. I moved my fingers against his cheeks again, his soft, precious skin I valued so much.

“Um,” Tony whispered. His voice was so far away yet so close at the same time. “Do you want me to go?” he asked.

I opened my eyes and stared at him, trying to determine if he was asking that because he, himself, wanted to leave. I didn’t think he did—I hoped he didn’t as I shook my head again. I let out a breath of a laugh, why I didn’t even know. It was humorous, the way I could feel myself stumbling into Tony. The fall was going to be abrupt and painful—it already was—and he was going to catch me and we were both going to go down together. Humorous. It was bound to bring us both pain. Humorous because I knew we both knew that and we also both didn’t care. I didn’t care who I was at this point, I only cared about this present moment, being with him, staying with him. I trusted him. I leaned forward and opened my mouth, my breath leaving slightly. Tony was important enough for this—I wanted him to have all of me.

So I slipped a word out, just for him, only him, so he knew.

“Stay,” I murmured.

Silence continued. For a second I wasn't confident that I had actually spoken out loud. Maybe it was all in my head. But then I felt Tony gently hold my head between his hands, tapping his fingers. “Open your eyes,” he encouraged. I didn’t even realize I had closed them, and once I came to my senses I realized they had been clenched shut. I relaxed my eyes and carefully pried them open, seeing stars a bit because of the previous pressure on them. Once my eyes refocused, I saw Tony’s face, his smile wide and his eyes sparkling. He looked so proud and ecstatic, I never thought someone would ever be like that for me. But I guess if it had to be someone, I always figured it would be Tony.

I grinned back at him and he leaned forward again, our lips connecting for a second time. He kissed me gently and I kissed back. I didn’t realize how much I craved him until now. In fact, I never knew I thought about Tony in this way until now—or maybe I did the entire time.

“What’s so funny?” Tony mumbled, drawing me back to the reality in which I was smiling into his mouth. His lips curved upwards with mine, I didn’t even have to see that he was smiling because I could already feel it. I shook my head—I wasn’t laughing because something was funny. I was laughing because I was happy.

“Your voice is so beautiful. It’s the most soothing thing I’ve ever heard in my life,” he said gently, his fingers twisting loosely throughout my hair. My cheeks heated up a little and I scrunched my mouth up. The longer I was with him the more and more I wanted to open up to him, to actually use my words. I felt like that should scare me but it actually made me so happy I had to try not to smile. Tony chuckled a little and rubbed my back. He leaned forward and kissed my forehead, laughing out, “you’re cute.”

----

I fumbled uncertainly into my bag, searching for my keys. They were in the inside pocket, but my fingers brushed past the zipper and circled confusingly around the middle section. My cheeks lit on fire. I couldn’t let Tony into my place—Tori’s place. My artwork scattered around, old family pictures, Tony’s letters… everything was in there. He couldn’t go in, and it wasn’t until we had reached the front steps of my apartment complex that I realized Ella’s persona and this entire plot had the potential to zap into thin air the second we walked into my place.

I looked at Tony with a frown worn carefully on my face. “What’s wrong?” he asked. I bit my lip and glanced at the lock of my apartment. “Lost keys?” I nodded. “Oh… shoot,” he regretted, scrunching his mouth up. “Well, I’ll help you find them or replace them, okay?” he brushed his thumb across my cheek and I couldn’t help but let my eyes flutter shut at the contact. “Don’t you worry about a thing,” he consoled, as if I was actually worried, and he actually cared. “But for now, we can hang back at the hotel I’m at? Watch some movies?” he nudged me a bit, shooting me that irresistible crooked smile of his.

“Okay,” I murmured quietly, bravely. He looked down at me, his eyes warm and his smile even more energetic than before.

“Good,” he encouraged gently. He lifted his arm and swung it over my shoulders, pulling me close into him and leading us out of my apartment complex. I felt nice and snug under his hold, but it didn’t last long because he quickly dropped his arm.

“Er, sorry,” he mumbled. “Sometimes I forget we barely know each other and I’m probably crossing all sorts of boundaries and stuff,” he said lowly. “Uh, yeah, sorry,” he continued. I carefully studied his face as we walked ahead; his eyes were darker and his expression was conflicted.

“Hey…” I said softly, almost too soft so he couldn't hear. But on the inside I was screaming: I’m trying, Tony! I’m trying for you, all for you! His face relaxed and he looked back at me. I knew he could hear me. He knew; he knew that a few words were a lot for me, and that just one syllable was enough to say that I was trying.

I just smiled and gently hooked my arm through his, my tiny hand curling over his muscle, walking with him comfortably and close the rest of the way.

---

"Um, anything you want to see?" he asked, offering the remote.

I shrugged. I didn’t really watch much TV in the first place so I had no idea what was on.

He reciprocated my shrug and began flipping through the channels. "Yell if something catches your eye," he said with his lips pulling up into an amused smirk. I knew he was content with a little I’ve been able to say to him, yet I also knew that Tony could be ambitious if he wanted to and that he'd take every shot for me to talk. But I knew after years of being almost completely mute, my voice would be croaky and something I didn’t want Tony—or myself—to hear.

I rolled my eyes at him, and he laughed a bit. It didn’t take long for me to join him because his laughter was so delicious that I needed to taste more. If he said my voice was beautiful—which made me think that he had to be joking despite the way his eyes said otherwise—then his laugh was something extraordinary. Out of this world. It suited him and complemented his comforting smile.

He bumped my shoulder. "You know what I mean," he amended, shuffling closer to me so our arms were touching. They reminded me of a page from my sketchbook. One side full of drawings while the other was pale and blank. His touch was cool unlike mine, which I swore was uncomfortably warm and sticky.

He flipped through the channels. A majority of them were game shows or really corny sitcoms from the 90's, none of them interesting. It would make sense that, as a mute, I watched a lot of TV, but I really didn’t. Maybe it was because I was jealous of those people on there, talking all of the time, communicating, expressing themselves with words while I was in real life, stuck with just a pencil, pen, or paintbrush. Or maybe it was just because I was busy with my own stuff. I only watched movies that I had on DVD or the occasional news. Nearly all the time I was too focused on doing art for work or art for fun to pay attention to the outside world.

"There has to be something to watch," he muttered, a small frown forming on his face. I held my giggle in. He looked so adorable when he did that. After skipping past another thirty or so channels, we went past a frame from a movie that I loved. When he passed it I placed a hand on his arm that was all muscle.

"You want to watch this?" he asked raising an eyebrow, referring to the golf tournament highlights. I shook my head and took the remote from him, pressing the previous channel button.

"Oh," Tony replied. "Why didn’t you say anything?" he teased, making me chuckle again. It was my turn to bump against him, making him chuckle too. "Finding Nemo it is," he declared.

I loved this movie because of all the color. The sea was so vibrant and appealing that it was magic. And I barely saw the sea or the ocean while in Arizona anyway. We were just one big desert. Anything wet would just dry up under the unforgiving sun.

We sat together in silence for a while as the movie played on. Was this what it felt like to be with your best friend? I did have friends when I was younger but that number decreased as time went on, with the exception of Tony. I enjoyed his company over the past few days. For once I didn’t feel alone. His quiet breathing, the way he would move his hand every now and again; they were all reassurances that he in fact was real and that this was happening. I truly was hanging out with my best friend that I desperately wanted to meet and see.

But he still had no clue that he was either. It broke my heart a little that he didn’t get to feel the satisfaction that I was currently feeling. He didn’t see Tori, only Ella. They weren't the same person, not even close. Two completely different people. Tori would never open her mouth, or kiss her supposedly best friend.

He had no idea that he was being deceived by the both of us—a stranger that he opened up to and his best friend who kept all his secrets. As much as I knew I had to, I didn’t want to tell him who I really was. I was content with being Ella for him, in fact I think that he liked Ella more than Tori right now. He deserved the truth but at the same time he deserved to be happy and Ella made him happy. If anything, Tori was just one massive, hypocritical pain in the neck.

I felt his hand slide in mine, his long fingers caressing my own. My conflicting thoughts died down and his touch brought me back to the real world, outside of my warzone of a head. It felt natural, that we should have been doing it a long time ago. And maybe we had been. His friendship was like holding hands. Sometimes the hand you hold is there to pull your forward when you feel sluggish and uninspired; or sometimes there for you to squeeze when you're in pain or frightened and it is there to be held during the good times too. It was something that was there for you whenever you needed it and you could always count on it to be there for you. However, this time I didn’t know how long Tori or Ella was going to be able to hold on to Tony’s strong but gentle hands. It was only a matter of time until he was bound to let go.

“I love this movie," he murmured at the scene where Marlin and Dory were travelling with the turtles. I could hear the appreciation in his voice ,which echoed in the memories of getting his letter when we were younger.

I breathed in, squeezing his hand softly. "Me too," I whispered.

He raised our hands and kissed the back of mine. "Did I ever tell you how much I love your voice?" he mused with a slightly dazed voice, as if waking up from a good dream. Maybe we were falling on one that was too good to be true.

I smiled a little and tilted my head onto his shoulder. He shifted a little, so we were leaning against each other more comfortably. His thumb repeatedly brushed over the back of my hand, his heart beat rhythmically only centimeters away, and his breathing lulled me to sleep, a sleep that while my physical self was extremely comfortable, my mind was in battle, and the second I fell into unconsciousness the shots began firing again.

It was dark and cold. I could barely make out my surroundings. Everything was traced in black, covered in long, brooding shadows. But that didn’t prevent me from seeing the vicious and deadly eyes that were looking right at me.

“Victoria…” a voice purred. “Sweet little Victoria. Your parents must be worried sick.”

I struggled to get out of my seat but my hands were tied together behind my back, so tight that the rope burned into my wrists. My feet were tied as well. I wriggled a little more, straining against the ropes, thinking. He hadn’t covered my mouth though.

Don’t show them that you’re afraid, a voice whispered in my mind—my dad’s. He was going to find me, I knew he would. Be brave, Tori, he urged, the way he always did with me and my brother. He was giving us defense tips in case we needed it. Yet I doubted that he included kidnapping in his advice.

“What do you want from me?” I asked, forcing myself to act tough instead of letting it show that my voice was trembling. I couldn’t show them I was terrified. I had to be strong, make my dad proud like I was always so proud of him.

The voice said a command in a language I couldn’t understand—Spanish—and the light switch flicked on, exposing us. The eyes I was staring at belonged to a face that was on many of the files that Dad had been surrounded by because of his work. His face was angular with a sharp jaw. Despite the shadows under his eyes, he was relatively young.

“I don’t want anything from you, little Victoria,” he replied with a grim smile that made my insides turn. He started circling me, as if I was his prey. “I only want get to your father. He and I, we have some unfinished business. Do you know that he’s looking for me?”

“He’ll get you,” I snapped. “He’ll throw you in jail and you will never get out. The bad guys always lose.”

“Oh,” he commented, “is that so? Is that what he tells you and your brother, Tate? Don’t look so surprised, Victoria, I’ve been watching your family for a while now. I know all about your family. You look like your mother, you both have the same blue eyes and blonde hair. I know where you and your brother go to school, I know who your friends are, I even know about your best friend, Tony.” He chuckled softly but arrogantly. He pointed at the guitar necklace I was wearing, a gift that I had gotten for Christmas from Tony. “The two of you are so precious. Do you wear that necklace every day? It’s like he’s here with you, isn’t it? It would be shame if something happened to it…or him.”

“I’m not scared of you,” I spat defensively, my little fingers curling into my palms, forming tight, angry fists. He was only bluffing, saying that he knew Tony to get to me. The two men who were in the room with us came forward but he held his hand up, making them stop in their tracks.

“You are a feisty one, aren’t you? Your father’s brave little girl, no? He should be so proud.” He lifted the hem of his shirt, revealing a pistol tucked in a holster. I must’ve done something to temporarily remove my fearless façade because he smiled again, this time darker and more menacing. “I suggest you should keep doing him proud and be quiet like the good girl you are so you can stay alive and see your family again, unharmed or worse.”

“Like hell I will!” I yelled and he drew out the gun. I heard it load and felt it against the side of my head, with his hand firmly holding the back of my neck. The two goons of his held their guns too, aimed right at me. I closed my eyes tightly, holding back the tears that were already burning their way to the surface.

The hand at my neck went to my face, cupping my cheek gently—too gently. I was sick with fear and my heart was about to leap out of my chest. “Let’s try this again. Don’t worry, I’ll keep it simple,” he said quietly, a deadly voice by my ear.

“Keep your mouth shut if you don’t want to get hurt.”

“Ella!” I heard my name being called out in the distance, but I couldn’t open my eyes yet and the voice sounded so far away. The other one still rung in my ears like I was still in my nightmare, like I was still there. “Hey, hey, hey, Ella it’s okay, wake up.” Tony. I felt his fingers brush across my face and I let my eyes flutter open; now that I knew he was here, my fear vanished—strangely, because normally it lingered for the rest of the day and into the next night. Tony had a way with making it all go away, of course he did.

I rubbed my eyes and blinked a few times, letting my eyes adjust. “Hey…” he said softly. “C’mere, you’re shaking,” he murmured, opening his arms. He was sitting up now, his hair a bit disheveled and his eyes tired, which meant he had just woken up too. I timidly crawled over to him, letting him wrap his arms around me even though something in the back of my head writhed uncomfortably at the contact, screeching that I’d be better off alone—screeching that I’d be better off silent.

“A nightmare?” he asked quietly, rubbing my back and playing with my hair. I wrapped my arms securely around him, nodding into his neck. “Do you have them often?” I nodded again. But in reality it had been a while since I’ve had them. I was able to shut them off when I shut my voice off, too. The more I talked, the worse they were, as if me opening my mouth was really me opening a portal of my worst fears, bringing them back to the front of my mind.

But I gritted my teeth—I had to overcome this, for Tony. I had to fight this. I still shook with remnants of my fear in Tony’s arms, but I tightened my little hands into fists with determination at the same time, opening my eyes, staring deadly past Tony’s shoulder, as if it was the wall of this hotel room that committed all the crimes that drove me mad.

I wanted to be strong for Tony. I wanted to let him in. I had to go against my normal, natural coping mechanism of fear. I couldn’t let it take over. I couldn’t let it win. I was already going against myself in so many ways—hell, I was completely willing to give “Tori” up just to be with Tony a little longer. I couldn’t let my past come creeping back and ruining such a wonderful present and, dare I mention, future. I couldn’t let myself push him away.

I snuggled into his hold and relaxed a little. I couldn’t lose him.

Notes

Holy crap. Hey guys it's me, the always late one, yours truly, Claire.

Finally

Sorry it took forever! Precious helped a lot with this chapter, most of the middle section is her tbh and I integrated it into what I had written and added stuff too. But yes she is my rock basically and I couldn't roll without her. I've been in a sick nasty funk lately! But I am slowly emerging yet also going to college in like 9 days so we'll see how this goes.

ANYWAY

Off to you sista, you word genius, you.

Love you guys!!!! Lettuce know what you think please!! We thrive off of your words!

Xoxo, Claire