After all this time, I finally realised why in almost every romantic film or television series, there’s always a scene where someone watches someone else sleep. Whether it’s waiting for them to fully fall asleep or in the first few moments in the morning when they wake up before them, it’s there for a reason. When you look at someone while they’re sleeping and lost in a dream, you see the real them. Their guard is down and you take a glimpse of their true self. They consumed you. For a few endless moments, they belonged to you.

It had become a habit, waking up with the sun. It happened the day after I arrived here. Although I was still dog tired from travelling to Phoenix and on top of that, tired from the tour we had just completed, I couldn’t fall back asleep no matter how hard I tried. Some mornings I would go out for a run before the sun was so high in the sky that running was unbearable. This morning though, I didn’t want to leave the bed. This time I was glued to it and it still brought out the rush of endorphins gained from exercise or performing on stage.

After Ella calmed down from her nightmares, I gave her the teddy bear that was supposedly mine which had fallen off the couch. She held it tight, leaning her head on my shoulder. I could still remember her sweet vanilla scent and me hoping that it would linger on my shirt. But now I guess a little more of her will linger on the adjacent pillow.

She was across from me, her eyes closed and fragile with Sir Cocopaws tucked under one of her arms, still in the same clothes that she wore yesterday. Hanging off her neck, lying on the pillow was her guitar pendant. It still bothered me that it looked so similar to Tori’s. I could have sworn the first time I saw it, I thought it was the same one I gave to her but I think it was just my mind making me see things that weren’t there. What I had to focus on was the present—Ella’s closeness and her sheer beauty.

Impulsively, I reached out my hand. I was insane. This whole thing surpassed insanity. I wasn’t supposed to fall for Ella. I was supposed to be Tori’s. But what do you do when you feel like the one you’re supposed to be with doesn’t want you? You were expected to move on, weren’t you? I didn’t know what I was meant to do. Part of me wanted to go all for it—to see where being with Ella would take me. Yet the other part of me held on to the hope of Tori, and whatever the future could hold for us. I was still mad at her for always backing out of meeting up, but it also felt weird not talking to her. Ignoring her made me feel incomplete. Sometimes I was embarrassed to admit it, but Tori was always going to be a part of me. It didn’t matter if we were fighting or getting along—she would always be someone who mattered.

I wondered what it would’ve been like if we had just met up and nothing came in the way of us meeting. She would be there when my plane landed. We would’ve finally met for the first time. We wouldn’t have been in this mess. We would be okay. We would be together. I wouldn’t have been in a hotel. I would be with her.

But, at the same time, it meant that I wouldn’t be with Ella. I didn’t know which was worse to be without. Someone who I knew for almost my entire life, and someone who I had only met a few ago.

As much as I wanted to stroke her hair or trace her face, I figured that it could startle her. I had no clue about her dream and what it could’ve contained, but I didn’t want do anything that brought it back. Instead, I gently lifted the guitar pendant. It was gold and plain but still sustained a classy touch to it. I remembered going Christmas shopping with my mom, trying to find a present to give to Tori. Mom had promised that I could get anything for her—a way of trying to distract me from thinking about my late dad—but I was stumped. We had checked off everything on our Christmas list aside from her name. In one store, Mom saw a music box that reminded her of the one she had when she was little and suggested that I should give that as Tori’s gift. I agreed, but it felt kind of silly getting her a jewellery box without getting any jewellery. So after getting the box, we headed to a store that sold some.

Tori has never really mentioned about the type of jewellery she wore. I knew then that she had her ears pierced so I was thinking about getting her a pair of earrings or two. When we walked past the items of display though, my eye caught the guitar pendant. Looking at it then made me think of the guitar hanging on the wall in our living room. Neither my mom nor I touched it ever since Dad had died. It was still raw. He used to play it all the time. It was like the music was gone. That’s why I insisted in getting it, because Tori was still a song that hadn’t ended yet.

I wonder if she still wore hers. We gave each other presents all the time, but that guitar was the one I was most proud of. It was probably because I was sometimes so skeptical of our friendship. We weren’t alike—art was like a natural talent of hers that only got better each time, while I struggled to remember the guitar chords. But when I told her I started taking up guitar, there was pride behind every word. I still wanted to make her proud.

Ella began to stir so I let go of her necklace. She slowly opened her eyes, blinked a few times and squinted.

“Hey,” I whispered, unable to resist the grin creeping on my face.

“Hi,” she whispered back, squinting through the protruding sunlight. I didn’t know what was happening to me, but that moment was the first time in ages where I just felt happy. At ease. Maybe because waking next to someone that you care about was gratifying. Even though you’ve done a lot of wrong in your lifetime, that feeling ensured that you’ve done something right as well. Maybe Ella was the right thing I’ve been waiting for all along.

------

While waiting for Ella to wash up in the bathroom before we headed out for breakfast, I sat down on the couch and checked my phone. Last night, I had gotten a text from Jaxin. He was like a brother and usually sent me a text to check up on me. He and Nat always teased me about Tori but still understood how much she meant to me, much to my chagrin.

Hey man, hope everything’s going okay and you’re having an awesome time with Tori. You should tell her to come visit you when you’re not touring, we’d love to meet this girl you’re so clearly besotted. Nat says hi, Ruby sends you slobbery kisses and Poppy misses your tummy rubs. And did you swipe some KS t-shirts before you left for you ladyfriend? Asshole haha

I let out a low chuckle. The night before my flight I took some t-shirts from the new line that was coming up next season for Key Street for Tori. I remembered when I first told her about it and how stoked she was. If there was one thing I regretted not doing, it was telling Tori I was in a band that made it big. I thought over time that she would find out but she hadn’t mentioned Pierce the Veil not even once.

I sent him a quick reply and tucked my phone into my pocket as Ella came out from the bathroom. I patted the seat next to me and she sat down with her legs crossed.

“Are you okay?” I asked, shooting her a glance.

The corner of her lips pulled up and she nodded. She reached for my hand and I linked her fingers through mine. I was always at awe about how they just fit together.

“C’mere,” I said, bringing her closer to me, pulling her on my lap and locking my arms around her. I didn’t know why I was feeling so bold. My brain was screaming at me, persuading me to back off but I couldn’t. I knew there were boundaries and I was skipping over every one of them. Every consequence that I rationalised against with was irrelevant. A month ago, this would’ve been unthinkable. It was difficult to wrap my head around this as well. What was it about Ella that made me so unlike me?

She put her hands on my face, making me pull faces by squishing my cheeks together and apart. I let her do it, because she broke out into her brilliant smile. I was so relieved seeing it after last night. She seemed so scared and scarred. In the moment, I was disgusted in what could’ve caused her that much terror and would’ve done anything to protect her, even if it meant staying up all night watching her sleep. I nearly did. Just watching her peaceful face was rejuvenation itself.

Ella chuckled lightly as I reached up to cup her hand with my own. She was so beautiful, so radiant, so kissable. All my life I’ve been so guarded and only opened up to a few select people. I thought that now was a good time to change. I was lost, so terribly lost, but I was enjoying myself along the way. A lot of it had to do with her, but then again, this new me was assertive and did things that the Tony I knew wouldn’t even have dared. How can someone so new in your life crawl their way through you and take over?

I couldn’t fight the temptation—I didn’t want to. I really wanted to kiss her again.

“You can,” she murmured and I felt my cheeks heat, realising that I was thinking aloud.

Control yourself, the serpent in my mind hissed. Yet I had already defied myself so many times lately, so one more thing couldn’t hurt.

“Are you sure?” I whispered although I was holding her tighter to me, bringing her closer because suddenly her presence wasn’t close enough.

She leant forward, teasing me with a kiss on the cheek. “Oh, Tony,” she sighed, igniting me. I counted every word as a blessing, because who knew how long she would keep this up. There was a little glint of triumph that radiated from her through any syllable that she spoke and I was proud of her too.

I held one of her hands and she brought them up so that mine was cupping her smooth face. It was like holding a star—she shone so bright that it was overwhelming to hold her. But I wanted every shot I could take to marvel at her brilliance. I was the dark side of the moon. She was the brightest thing I could see.

“I’m going crazy,” I mumbled which sort of broke me out of my trance. We still didn’t know much about her. She was here in Phoenix and I was going to leave—a reality that I didn’t want to own up to or face right this moment. Maybe it was best to just enjoy what was happening now, being with Ella, exploring the city and the possibility of meeting Tori despite that looking slimmer by each day that passes. I should probably talk to her soon. My time with Ella had calmed me down and made me miss her. But Ella was all that occupied my mind most of the time.

I couldn’t fight off any restraint that I had against myself so I leaned up to kiss her. My heart was beating crazily. Who knew I’d feel this way with someone who spoke with her eyes and actions, rather than her voice. I could hear her loud and clear and it was the most beautiful sound ever.

We started off sweet, something like last night’s. Our lips were parted and my hands were on her waist, lingering dangerously on the hem of her shirt. I was falling deeper. Taking her in was like smoking a cigarette, or how I imagined it would be. It was new to you, and shocked you at first but soon enough you’re already addicted. You couldn’t help but want more, even though you knew it had the potential of ruining you. But that all escalated quickly into something deeper. Her mint flavour was irresistible and every time we broke apart to breathe, it only made me come back for more. Her nimble hands travelled down my arms, setting me on fire with her touch.

Much too soon, or what felt like it, I felt her lips leave mine. She weaved her fingers through mine from behind her. She left me breathless. Slowly, I opened my eyes to see her look back at me. Her gazed was warm. After a few deep breaths, a faint rumble from my stomach peeped out which made us burst into chuckles.

“I guess that’s a cue to go out for breakfast,” I mumbled, slightly embarrassed about my sudden outburst of hunger.

Ella grinned and nodded. I could stare at something as marvellous as her for hours. That’s all I’ve been doing so far this whole day and not a second felt like it was wasted.

What was happening to me? Nowadays, I didn’t want to know the answer.

“You know,” I began, tracing my thumb on the back of one of her hands. “I’m really glad I saw you at the airport.” And I really meant it. I wanted to explain how much I’ve enjoyed her presence. Without her, being in Arizona would have been a lot worse. Caught up in the frustration of not seeing Tori would’ve just made me leave anyway if it weren’t for me wondering if I’d see Ella again. I wanted to tell her how much of an amazing person she was for just sticking around and putting up with my eccentricities. But that sentence held everything that I wanted to say—everything I needed to say.

Her eyes lit up and she let go of my hands momentarily, only to wrap her arms over my shoulders and hold me in a hug. With Ella, it was like anything and everything was enough. Whether it was holding her hand, sitting next to her, kissing her, watching her breathe…it was enough. I didn’t want anything more, other than for time to go slower so I could savour an extra second being with her. I knew that I shouldn’t get too attached but that was slipping out of control. The old me was essentially gone and had been replaced with someone who was paralysed whenever he was near her.

I held her close to me and she rested her chin on my shoulder. The weight of it was comforting and up until now, I didn’t realise how much I would like that feeling. The feeling of someone holding you with their relaxed aura radiating off from them and spreading on to you. It gave you energy and made you feel like you could do anything, be anything, because you knew that they saw the good in you, even when you doubted yourself. I liked it.

But I didn’t want it to go away either, even though I knew it would eventually.


---------

It was crazy to think that I was already accustomed to the feeling of her hand in mine as we walked down the streets of urban Phoenix. The sun was already high up in the sky and the footpaths were filled with busy people needing to get somewhere. However, we walked at a relatively slower speed, just enjoying each other’s company.

We turned on a familiar street—the place where the French bakery was. The scent of freshly made croissant grew closer as we approached it.

“Here?” I suggested. The smell of coffee intensified as well.

She nodded, leading me forward as well stepped on to the porch and entered the café. We had come after the morning rush so there were less people around. A few customers were also ordering flowers from the other side of the café.

“So what do you want?” I asked. “I’ve got this.”

Her eyes scanned the chalkboard menus on the walls behind the counter until she pointed at something.

“Crepes?” I wondered to which she nodded. She took out her notepad and jotted something down, ripping the page out once she finished.

With strawberries and whipped cream on it. Plus a mocha :)

I glanced at her and she was looking around the shop, mostly at the freshly arranged flowers on display. I let out a breath of laughter, shaking my head as I folded the piece of paper and put it in my pocket.

We stepped up to the counter and were greeted by a familiar face.

“Ah, mon ami!” the café owner smiled. I was surprised that he still remembered me. Maybe it was the tattoos. “How are you? Have you found your friend yet?”

“Not yet,” I replied and his face fell a little bit.

“Don’t worry, my friend,” he said, offering an encouraging smile to both of us. “She may be closer to you than you think. Vous la trouverez. I know it.”

“Thank you,” I grinned sheepishly. “But in the meantime, my friend here and I are looking for some breakfast.”

“Bien sûr, what would you like? Just say it and we will give it to you.”

I couldn’t help but chuckle at his enthusiasm. From the corner of my eye, I saw Ella give him a smile as well.

After ordering Ella’s crepes and mocha along with a free croissant, we settled by a table which had a view of the city outside. This café made it seem like we had stepped into a humble home in the country side.

“Hey Ella,” I began. She looked at me, cocking her head to the side a little as she did. She seemed fine, as if last night’s bad dream never happened. But I had to make sure.

“Are you sure you’re okay?”

She reached her had across the table to twine her fingers in mine and nodded, the corners of her lips lifting too.

“Do you get them often?” I asked quietly. I hated myself for being nosy.

She shook her head, unlatching our hands so that she could get her notepad out to explain. No, not really. I haven’t gotten them in a while.

“What…what was it about?” I wondered before stopping myself. Seeing her hesitance, I added, “Actually, no. I didn’t mean to pry. You don’t need to tell me. I mean, as long as you’re okay now, it’s good enough for me.”

But she wrote it down anyway. It’s okay. I acted weird last night and I didn’t mean to startle you like that. It was just something from the past haunting my dreams…it’s nothing big. Don’t worry about it. I appreciate your concern though. This sounds pretty lame but I’m glad that you were there to calm me down. It would’ve been worse if you weren’t there.

I shrugged. “It’s fine. I’m just glad that you’re okay,” I explained. Her goddamn smile that she flashed killed me once I said it. It was an endless fall, and I was grateful for every moment.

The past hour felt like minutes that I was desperate to memorise. The way she placed all the strawberries on the side of her plate, saving them for last. Her face as she took the first sip of her drink, careful to not burn herself. How the conversation seemed to flow from one topic to the next, effortless, easy. That’s when I realised I wanted to remember it all.

I have to get back home. I have work, Ella said once the conversation had settled a bit. We had filled pages of her notepad—I didn’t want to be the only one talking and I also felt that through writing, I connected better with her.

What about your keys? I asked, remembering that she had lost them last night.

I texted a locksmith earlier and he said that he’d be coming around 10.

“Oh,” I replied, trying to hide my disappointment. It was almost half past nine, as seen on the clock on the wall. “I guess you better get going then.”

Thanks for…everything, Tony, she wrote across the paper. She didn’t have to explain what she meant. I just knew.

“I’ll catch you later?” I asked hopefully, doubtfully. Somewhere between that.

“Of course,” she replied gently as she stood up. Before heading out the door behind me, she leant down, pressing a quick, chaste kiss on my lips. The way she did still made feel like this was some dream that my overactive imagination conjured. There was a tingle, something I always wanted more of.

I didn’t realise I was zoned out until my phone started ringing, which I answered a bit too eagerly.

“Hello?”

“Hey,” Vic called. Of course it wouldn’t have been Ella as I had hoped. I didn’t even have a number. We just always seemed to find each other. “How’s it going, Tone?”

I wish I knew. “Um, alright I guess. How are you guys?”

“We’re okay. Really excited to start recording the new album. We should be able to once you come back here,” he replied. “Like a month or so right?”

“More or less,” I returned. I wished it was more.

“And Michelle found us an album designer,” he added. Michelle was our manager and was somehow able to make sure that we were always on schedule and that we didn’t get arrested while on tour.

“Whoa really?” I asked. “She’s amazing. Who is it?”

“The designer works for a company in Arizona and she’s done some pretty awesome covers for Fearless. One of their best. I was hoping that you’d be able to meet her since you’re there already.”

“Um, yeah. I’m cool with that. Who is she?”

“Victoria Holt.”

The phone nearly slipped out of my hand. “Wh-what?”

“Actually, she goes by Tori according to her boss—”

“You’re kidding right?” I interjected. “You’re positive it’s Tori Holt?”

“Uh, yeah dude. She graduated like five years ago—“

“—in Arizona State University, top of her class in fine arts,” I completed.

“Well, yeah. How do you know all of this?” Vic asked.

I hesitated before answering. “I know her,” I explained. “We’re friends.”

“Oh,” Vic remarked. “That’s cool. Convenient actually. You’ll have no problem asking her about it and stuff.”

“Um, yeah, I guess…”

“Awesome,” he remarked. “I’ll leave it to you then. Tell me about it, yeah? Her work is incredible. I have a good feeling about this. Talk to you later.”

“Yeah. Bye,” I spoke moments later, even though he had already ended the call.

Notes

Hey friends, i hope you are golden :)

and im really sorry this update took like two months i just had school and supernatural to watch so please take this as a peace offering

and for all y'all spn fans here's some deanmon for you

someone take my laptop away from me
all yours Claire :)
love you guys x