I stared blankly at the computer screen. My room was dark, the lights off and the blinds shut, yet the screen was white with light. I looked down at my bony knees; the brightness shined on them, but the way my room was pitch black and contrasted with the screen in front of me, my skin was illuminated and shadowed with an almost ghostly effect.. To Tony, I might as well be one—a ghost. I didn’t exist to him. Not yet, at least.

I blinked quickly, not letting my eyes shut for too long otherwise I would recede into the black of the back of my head. Tony was online. This was different from texting because for him to be online, he’d have to be sitting there—right there. He’d have to go through the process and effort of logging in. He had to consciously decide to do so. The same was for me. Were we both just sitting at our computers, waiting? Or maybe he had just opened his laptop and put it aside. Maybe he wasn’t even paying attention. Maybe he had forgotten about me already—although that thought hurt a lot.

I bit my lip. Tony deserved an elaboration from me, considering the things I said to him early.

My fingers hovered over the keyboard shakily. What was I doing? I was creating a wedge into our relationship, maybe unnecessarily, too. But maybe the reason why I was doing this was because I knew he’d be okay without me, because he’d still be with me anyway, just not me—Ella. And I’d be okay, because I’d be with him, too.

I felt dizzy. The disconnection I felt with my own self was pulling me in several different directions. Was I really Ella? Did I really just spend an entire, amazing day with Tony? The memory seemed hazy, as if I wasn’t, as if I didn’t. As if it wasn’t really me. I couldn’t imagine doing something like that to Tony—tricking him. Hurting his feelings and then selfishly enjoying in his company anyway. Or maybe it was me, as if I had been on a sort of high, a high I was crashing down from now. I had been able to live it in the moment but now that I was here—the low—I was feeling the side effects. My head was throbbing. I put it into my hands and sniffled.

I bit on my lip. I couldn’t leave Tony hanging. He needed me to say something no matter what.

Me: Hey.

Tony: Hey.

I cringed, the short and crisp one worded messages were so unlike us. I gnawed on my lip as I typed.

Me: I’m so sorry, I was just so stressed out from work and all and it just made me nervous about seeing you.

Tony: That’s understandable. But you shouldn’t have to worry about meeting me. It’s just me. Like, this is what you wanted, isn’t it?

Me: I’m not sure what I want any more.

I swiped a tear off of my cheek. I wasn’t lying to him—I really had no idea what I wanted. I didn’t want to hurt him, I didn’t want to hurt myself, but I couldn’t see any good option out of the mess I’ve caused.

Tony: What’s that supposed to mean?

Me: I don’t know

Tony: Jesus Tori, is there anything you do know?

Me: I’m just really confused

Tony: About what?! It’s just me. I’ve told you that. Do you just not want to see me?

Me: Of course I want to see you

Tony: It doesn’t feel like you do

Me: I’m sorry

Tony: Honestly, I don’t believe you are.

Me: Tony

Tony: No. You obviously don’t care about me if you’ve left me hanging this long.

Me: I care about you a lot Tony. You’d be better off without me though

I bit my lip, testing out the words. They stung, it was like I was taunting the wasp to get it to turn on myself. But Tony would be okay without ‘Tori’, wouldn’t he? He seemed to get along with ‘Ella’ just fine. I tightened my fists angrily, jealousy ripping through my veins. Tony had an eye for other girls, didn’t he? Obviously he did. He could easily find a replacement me.

Suddenly, I wasn’t even sad anymore. Or maybe I was, but my anger was taking control. I wasn’t being rational—of course I wasn’t; I was splitting myself into two different people for fucks sake—but I couldn’t help it. Tony wasn’t at fault but I wanted to get mad at him. Maybe it would make things easier.

Me: There’s plenty of pretty girls in Phoenix, Tone, I’m sure it won’t be too hard to find some.

Tony: Fuck, Tori, you’re important to me. Why is that too hard to believe? I’m not looking to replace you. Why would you say something like that? You’re not just a girl from Phoenix. You’re my girl from Phoenix.

Me: Idk

Tony: You’re being ridiculous, I can’t believe you

Me: Me neither

Tony: So are you just going to let me go then? I won’t ever get to see you? It’s going to be like that?

Me: I guess

Tony: Seriously? Wow.

Me: Yeah

I couldn’t hold up my angry act—I couldn’t even put it up at all. I was just submitting to my own ridiculousness, letting it happen. I couldn’t deal with it—I didn’t know how.

Tony: …I don’t really know what to say…I guess I’ll go back home then? Is this it?

Me: Idk

Tony: Fine, fuck this. Fuck you.

Tony: No, wait. Please don’t let me go Tori? I can’t

I didn’t reply for a while. I couldn’t. I didn’t want him to go back home—I still wanted to see him—but I couldn’t just tell him to stay and then not ‘see’ him. I really just selfishly wanted him here, hoping he’d run into me again. I’ve dug myself a hole and I had no idea how to get out of it—I just had to keep digging.

Me: can I just have some time?

Tony: I’ve given you a shit ton of time, Tori. Jesus Christ it’s been 20 years.

Me: Just a bit more, I promise

Tony: You’re ridiculous

Tony: I’m just going to go now. You’ve suddenly become impossible to talk to

Me: okay

Tony: just okay?!

Me: yeah

Tony: Fine. Don’t text or message me or call me for a while. I’m sick of looking at my phone just to be disappointed

Me: I’m sorry

Tony: Whatever, that’s bullshit anyway. You don’t care. I guess I have to force myself not to care, too. Bye.

I sighed and closed my eyes, rubbing my face in stress over our conversation. But maybe this was for the best. There was no going back from this. Tori was gone.

When I reopened my eyes and dropped my hand, I saw that Tony had logged off. I didn’t get to say goodbye, but what did I expect, for us to part on good terms after what I’ve done? I shook my head.

The feeling of loss eventually took over my body as I stared blankly at the screen, the notification that Tony was logged off—gone. Soon, the screen dimmed and then turned black, the quiet light disappearing and I couldn’t bring myself to move to bring it back.

**page break**

I spent a lot of time drawing. Secluding myself, working on art—for my job and also for myself. Although the day after the fight with Tony I didn’t get out of bed. I answered an email from my boss and said I was sick. I didn’t eat that day, or shower, or even brush my teeth. I woke up, rolled around a bit, threw up over the side of my bed, and went back to sleep. It was as if without Tony, I couldn’t bring myself to be Tori or Ella. I wasn’t anyone or anything. For all I knew, Tony was already on a plane back to San Diego, hating me, leaving me behind. I didn’t mean to push him away but that seemed to be the main thing I excelled at. I should have known that it wouldn’t work out—people just weren’t my thing.

Four days after the fight, I dragged myself out of bed and knocked myself out of my intense artist zone. I cleaned up my hardwood floor and made my bed. I brushed my hair and took a long, hot shower. I rubbed my eyes with my fists to the point of seeing stars in my vision. And in that moment I was a different person. The stars twisted around my head, transforming me almost. I forced myself to get ready for the day and numbly did so, the fight still haunting my brain but I had to try and make it right.

In the wrong way, of course. Because it wasn’t Tori that was getting ready—it was Ella. She pulled her hair back into a head band and washed her face; she applied a thin layer of makeup and blinked carefully into the mirror, testing her lengthened lashes. She straightened up and adjusted the top of her black fitted t-shirt that was decorated with floral accents. She brushed her teeth and forced a smile into the mirror. She shook out her arms, her legs, her head, her entire body. She smiled again and it almost felt real. Butterflies gently fluttered around in her stomach, although she was unsure why.

I felt a bit crazy as I pulled myself back into, well, myself . I adjusted the shirt again and frowned in the mirror. Was I really going to do this? Adapt a new persona just to make Tony happy? Lie to him even though it was mutually beneficial? Messed up, yes, but it was the only option that I seemed to have.

So I strapped up my combat boots over my dark skinny jeans and pushed sunglasses up my nose. The temperature outside was hovering around ninety degrees Fahrenheit, but my body was cold from being locked in my apartment for half a week—or maybe it was because of my heart.

I didn’t know what to expect as I walked down the street to the coffee shop. This wasn’t a fairytale; the odds of Tony actually being there or coming in while I was there were slim. I couldn’t imagine that he would stay here, though. What was keeping him in Phoenix? I was hopeless, he had to know that by now.

When I entered the shop, I slipped my sunglasses off and folded them so they hung loosely off the collar of my shirt. I nibbled on my lip and walked over to an empty booth. I took out my sketchbook from my bag and started to doodle a bit; I wasn’t in the mood to order anything from the shop. I was in the mood to do art. But losing myself in art but in public place was a good option, as there was an irrational string of hope lingering within me that Tony would show up. Stupid, but definitely present. Maybe if I sketched for long enough the time would pass quicker.

But Tony didn’t show up that day. I guess I should have expected him not to. He didn’t show up the next day either. Or the next day. Tony was gone from the messages but I also couldn’t feel his physical presence any more. Another day passed—no Tony. No Tony, no Tony and the regular barista at the shop knowing my face well, as the regular who never bought anything. The next day I decided to not be rude and bought a small drink, to look remotely interested. They probably knew I was waiting for someone. Because the next day they gave me a cookie, free of charge—not that I deserved it.

I didn’t know what day I was on. I wasn’t counting. All I knew was that my head hurt and I was tired of waiting. Tired of a lot of things. It was like the wires in my brain had come undone, all because of the absence of Tony. It was my fault, though.

Today I forgot my sketch book. I traced circles on the table delicately with my finger instead. I was probably sitting there for an hour before I hear a tapping noise. My eyes shifted up to see someone else’s fingers tapping on the table, dancing.

I couldn’t bring myself to smile. It didn’t feel real—was I hallucinating? The hand could have belonged to any one. But not everyone had ‘star wars’ written across their knuckles.

I looked up more. There he was. He was barely smiling. But he stopped tapping his fingers and held his hand out, palm up, a grin taking over his features. A grin that kind of reached his eyes. I sat up a little straighter and stared at his hand, confused.

“C’mon, little lady. We’re going to get ice cream,” he said happily, his eyes flickering over mine as if he could sense my sadness—he really had no idea, though. I smiled and carefully put my hand in his, biting the inside of my cheek as I did so. My skin tingled at the contact. I let him pull me up but eased my hand out of his, afraid that I would light on fire. Or that I would light him.

“How are you?” he asked when we got outside. I gave him a shaky thumbs up. He nodded slowly. I raised an eyebrow back at him, daring to reciprocate the question. He shrugged his shoulders.

“Nothing a bit of mint chocolate chip can’t fix,” he said with another lopsided grin. I smiled back, not being able to stop myself.

Questions swarmed in my head. Did he know I was waiting for him? Was he expecting me to be here? What was he still doing in Phoenix?

“I knew I’d see ya eventually. I didn’t want to leave the city without fulfilling my promise,” he said with a smile, as if he could read my thoughts. But my eyes widened as I noticed the ways his eyes sparked as he spoke—did he mean something else with that? Did he want to stay around to allow some hope of keeping our promise of seeing each other?

I just smiled weakly as a reply. I felt uneasy, as the word ‘promise’ hung in the air. I coughed a little. He was looking at me for a few moments and then I realized I had been in my head for too long; I pulled my notebook out of my bag and bit on my lip as I sprawled a message on a page.

Have you been coming to the coffee shop every day? :P

A bit teasing, a bit serious at the same time. Tony laughed a little. “Maybe… maybe not,” he grinned.

Another pang of guilt struck me—he was waiting for me—er, Ella—this entire time, while I had been stuck moping in my apartment. Tony was moving on, perhaps even finding a bright in the situation, while I sat in the dark.

I sighed and shook my other self out of my head—was I going crazy?—and smiled at Tony.

Does that make you a stalker? I asked.

Tony chuckled and shook his head. “I hope not. Not yet, at least,” he said, sticking his tongue out at me playfully.

So what have you been up to lately? I asked politely, carrying on the conversation. Besides not really stalking me, of course, I scrawled across the page as an after thought. This wasn’t just Ella talking, though; it was myself, as well—my real self. When I was online Tori, we constantly updated each other on what was going on with our lives. But when we had fights, we were so damn stubborn and wouldn’t talk for a day or two. The longest one we’ve had was back in high school but in hindsight it was over something stupid—until now, of course. This fight was real, a lot worse. So even though Tony and Tori weren’t talking online, it was nice to be able to talk to him like this. I wouldn’t be able to last without him. This one hurt way more though because I was lying to him, it wasn’t a disagreement between us it was me hurting him. I was lying to him and Ella was lying to him, too—and he didn’t even know it.

He shrugged. “Not much. Seeing the sights and all of that. Arizona is really cool. What about you?” he added with a small smile. My stomach turned every time he did that.

Mostly work and procrastinating my work hahaha. That raised a chuckle from him.

“I’m not adding to your procrastination, am I?” he asked, teasingly again. It was then when I realized we were walking; he had his arm hooked protectively through mine as we walked down the sidewalk and he squeezed my arm gently with his words.

I deftly shook my head and returned his smile. Why couldn’t I be having this conversation with him as me? This was natural and effortless, as if it were Tony and Ella that were long friends instead of Tony and Tori. Tori might as well have been an alien from outer space.

“That’s a relief,” he replied.

I love this place! I wrote as he led us into a local ice cream parlor.

Tony smiled and rubbed the back of his neck. “Yeah, it looked good, I found it the other day, and yeah…” he said with a small, almost nervous sounding laugh. I just smiled broadly as a response. I shivered a little as we entered the shop, the temperature inside a bit chilly.

“What did you say your favorite was?” he asked, turning his head to the side. “Mint chocolate?” I grinned and nodded. It was his favorite, too. Tony ordered for both of us and paid as well, not bothering to acknowledge my silent words of objection.

We sat down together at a small table to the side; it was too hot to eat our ice cream outside, otherwise they would melt within ten seconds.

“I’m actually pretty glad I managed to catch up with you,” he said, picking out the cookie bits from his ice cream. “Like don’t take this the wrong way or anything but I was hoping that you’d show up at the café one day. Other than Tori, I don’t know anyone from Arizona so I guess I was hoping to run into you again so that I could see one familiar face.” He ran a hand through his hair and met my eyes. “Sounds pretty stupid, huh?”


I smiled shyly and looked down, turning my ice cream around with my spoon. I picked up my pencil and wrote with a shaky hand, it’s not stupid at all. I’m glad you did, too. Tony smiled happily, with his teeth, which caused his cheeks to raise even more than normal. My heart flipped a little and I looked down again.

Sooo… how much longer are you in Arizona for? I wrote after a few minutes of silence. I bit my lip. Obviously he couldn’t stay here forever, but I hated to imagine what would happen when he had to go home…

“Not sure. I’ve got a little while until I have to get back to, uh, work… and I kinda wanna stick around and resolve things with Tori, get to know this awesome new friend, too, I dunnooo…” he said, trailing off at the end with a sly smile. I smiled back, happy with his reply. I didn’t know how fixing things with him would ever be possible—this whole thing was temporary, anyway, there was no getting around the truth—but at least he had some hope.

I hope you guys work it out, I wrote.

“Me too,” he sighed. “But, it’s okay. I’ll give her time. Until then…” he said, trailing off again and taking a nice bite out of his ice cream. “Ow, that hurt my teeth,” he laughed. I giggled slightly at him, amused with his playfulness and intoxicated by his smile, and then suddenly his eyes opened wide.

“That was adorable,” he said. His cheeks flushed a dark shade of red and he shifted in his seat. “I mean, uh,” he coughed a little. I held back a smile, biting the inside of my cheek.

“You’ve never really laughed in front of me before,” he said thoughtfully. I nodded.

Typically don’t make any sounds, I replied simply.

“You even breathe quietly. But it’s nice, calming even. You’re so calm. I like it,” he said, a bit ramble-y. His cheeks remained in their red form, probably embarrassed with what he was admitting but I didn’t mind at all. If only he knew what was in my head, though—the opposite of calm—I thought to myself.

“Can I ask, why?” he questioned gently. I looked down to see his hand gently over mine, which had subconsciously clenched into a tight fist. I let it relax against the table, against his own hand. I was on fire but I kept my cool.

I shook my head slowly and blinked. “It’s okay,” he smiled. “Y’know, I’m usually pretty shy, too. Don’t really talk a lot in interviews and stuff,” he said, shrugging his shoulders. I raised an eyebrow at him—interviews? “Uh, like work,” he said, shaking his head. I nodded. “But yeah, I’m shy. But I feel comfortable here for some strange reason. This is probably too much to say at once but I don’t know, I’m more talkative around you, it’s weird,” he said, rambling and then blushing once again. Without much thought, I turned my hand over, which was still under his, and laced my fingers shyly through his, as a supportive measure, a way to tell him that I liked what he was saying and that I felt comfortable around him too. Boundaries didn’t seem to exist in this moment. The Tori side of me seemed to be dominating, where it felt like I have known Tony for years even though in his eyes it’s only been a few days.

Who knows? I wrote on the page. Maybe I’ll get more talkative around you, too.

Notes

HELLO HI

Claire here, feeling really bad about this month long wait.
I'm sorry:(