Tone you don’t understand. You mean everything to me but our friendship is only based on writing. And it always will be…

What the fuck was that supposed to mean?

I was sitting at an empty booth that I went to yesterday. It was emptier than it was the day before which was a relief. Usually, if I could help it, I would’ve asked to meet up with someone someplace private to avoid being spotted by fans. Being attacked by fans in public was embarrassing and invading, especially when you were with people closed to you. I didn’t want the people who loved to get hurt. But it seemed like the person I loved was hurting me once again.

Tori had texted me to meet up with her and conveniently it was here in this café, so I didn’t need to look it up or ask someone for directions. I was feeling nervous—but not as much as I was last night. After last night, it wouldn’t hurt that much if Tori unexpectedly had to be called back for work. The thought was valid, but influenced by bitterness. I didn’t want to be this way, she was my best friend for crying out loud, but it was like finding out a concert was cancelled after months of anticipation. I just wanted to see her. That’s all I’ve wanted to do since her first letter.

Just when I settled into the booth with an iced coffee, my phone buzzed with a text from Tori. I wanted to see that she was on her way or even in the coffee shop and I just haven’t seen her yet but it her telling me that she was backing out yet again. I tried to reason with her, it was just me, but she threw this text back at me.

I let out a deep sigh, pushing a hair through my hand. I wanted to call her, to demand her why. She never failed to reply to a message, an email, a letter, so why was she acting like this now? Did this mean anything to her? Or was I just hanging on a thin strand false hope?

Tori, just c’mon, I texted, feeling desperate and more alone than ever. I’m here… we’ve always talked about meeting. Please don’t do this.

In an afterthought, I typed, I love you but thought better of it and deleting it before sending it. I didn’t want to overwhelm her with my sudden confession—and myself with my random outburst. I stared at my phone screen waiting for something to change, for her name to pop up—anything—but nothing showed up.

My third chance for ever meeting her was gone, disappeared. I placed my phone on the table and rested my head in my arms. I felt weak, hopeless and this was because of the girl who made me strong at my lowest times. Tori was like a star in the sky—my star. Just when I thought I had her figured out, with her so close to me I could just grab her like the brightest and biggest star in the night sky, when I try to reach out for her or the star, something pulls her away, taking her further away from me, like realising that there are millions of miles from me and the star. They were both impossible to hold. Maybe this was all we could be, friends via messaging. Never meeting, never seeing each other in the flesh, never seeing each other smile and watching the lips curve into a subtle grin forming into a brighter and happier smile in real life.

She was out of reach, and I was incomplete. I felt like I lost her all over again. Maybe losing someone who wasn’t supposed to be yours was easier. But Tori was meant for me. There was no point trying to search for someone you loved when they were always with you in the written form. And I didn’t want to believe that I had lost her without fighting for her.

I felt a hand on my shoulder and I looked up, blinking out of my hazy vision from keeping my eyes shut and wiping my eyes with my sleeve, hoping that it would pass off as a tired gesture. It was Ella. I was surprised to see her—in a good way. It was nice to see a friendly face amongst a sea of strangers in an unfamiliar city.

She looked at me as I did with her. Her almond coloured eyes were glassy, showing sympathy that didn’t need an explanation. It was like she knew. Perhaps my attempts of subtlety weren’t so subtle.

“Hey,” I said, my voice slightly husky. “Care to join?” I asked, gesturing to the other side of the empty booth. At least with her company, I wouldn’t drown in my self-loathing and self-pity. Ella nodded and took a seat. I noticed at her table she had left her drink, a small but full glass of mango juice.

“You forgot your drink,” I pointed out and she turned her head to her to her table, her shoulders dropping like an internal groan of annoyance. That little action was amusing to see, the literal sense of body language. She rose gracefully and went to the table, grabbing her drink. A slight look of contempt was on her face as she returned. Her mouth was turned down into a grimace as she bit on her lip. Her eyes were getting glassier, tears threatening to spill over.

“Are you okay, Ella?” I asked, titling my head in concern. Though I had only recently acquainted myself with her, I couldn’t help but think she needed to be looked out for.

She reached to touch her face, as I was doing and blinked in realisation as she felt a tear that had escaped. She sniffed and wiped it away, giving a small nod and a weak smile.

“Are you sure?” I asked. She looked hurt behind her smile and disappointed—just like I was.

Ella took out her small notepad and wrote, Yes, yes. I got something in my eyes, hahaha. She gave me a smile that didn’t reach or illuminate her eyes. I wanted to ask more but I knew that it was best not to pry. I had my own problems to deal with. Thinking about it was a fresh wound, much worse than the one on my thumb. She took the notepad again, and this time wrote I’m sorry.

I shrugged. “I’m starting to think she doesn’t exist,” I said, giving a short, humourless laugh. My ghost friend, I wanted to add. Because Tori was like a ghost. I knew she was there but she didn’t want to show herself to me.

Naw, I’m sure she does. She’s probably just really shy, Ella wrote, offering me a supportive smile. Her words did offer some comfort—only a bit—but it still didn’t make Tori appear right before me.

I traced mindless circles on the table’s surface, nodding. “Hey!” I suddenly remembered. “What about your friend?” I asked, wondering about the friend she told me—well, wrote—about yesterday and how his flight got delayed at the airport.

Ella didn’t write anything, only shooting a frown, looking down at her hands.

“Oh, you too, huh?” I asked, feeling sort of bad about asking. I hoped her friend wasn’t a jerk to her most of the time. “At least he didn’t stand you up,” I muttered under my breath but I knew she heard me but the way her eyes looked right at me. I shook my head, shaking the thought away. “Nah, forget that. It’s okay,” I insisted. “Rocky road, that’s all,” I explained. Ella looked skeptical and I wasn’t feeling entirely convinced with myself either. But she didn’t press on with the topic.

How do you like the hotel? She wrote. Beside that stuff is your stay here at least nice?

“Oh, yes,” I answered, folding my hands on the table. “It’s really lovely. Comfortable.”
Her eyes widened a bit as she saw my thumb that was wrapped in a black Band-Aid with the faces of the Ninja Turtles.

What happened there?

“Accidentally stabbed myself,” I answered with some degree of honesty. “Nothing a little Ninja Turtle Band-Aid couldn’t fix,” I added, this time grinning.

Please tell me your favourite one is Raphael, she wrote with an entertained smirk.

“No way,” I breathed, not believing I was having this conversation with her. “Yes! Although I love them all. But I don’t know, Raphael, man…” I trailed off, stopping myself before I launched into this maniac rant about how much I loved the Ninja Turtles and Raphael especially. I smiled at Ella and she mirrored my grin.

Why couldn’t she be Tori? Talking with Ella was effortless, much like it was writing a letter or email to Tori. It was easy, as if I didn’t need to try so hard compared with socialising with other people. Although Ella didn’t speak, I didn’t care. It was like she could talk anyway as she passed her notes to me and I would read them in her ‘voice’. Her friend was so lucky to have someone as easily likeable and easy to get along with as their friend. Someone who was real.

We continued talking—her writing and me actually speaking—for another hour and a half about heaps of things. The topic of Ninja Turtles changed to the topics of shows we liked as kids which changed to the shows we watched now. I told her of this show that she never heard of on Comedy Central called Key and Peele which was downright hilarious and I had gotten into it while on tour.

“You gotta watch it some time,” I sighed, checking my phone as I did. There was nothing from
Tori, which made me sad and a little frustrated. Why couldn’t she just show up? Didn’t she think it was hard for me too? Of course I was nervous and anxious meeting her due to fear of our meeting not meeting my expectations—and it did—but that didn’t deter me away from meeting her. It was her birthday promise, one that I didn’t intend on breaking.

I was falling into my pit of depression again. I wanted to see her so badly, but she wouldn’t show. She was here somewhere in this God forsaken city. We were so close, but something—she—was pulling us apart.

I’m really sorry she didn’t show, she wrote, sliding the paper to me. I knew I had to stop moping around because it was obviously showing. I could feel her sympathy on the ink on the paper and I felt pathetic.

I was going to reply using my voice but I stopped mid-thought. I took the pen from her and turned the full page of words over on its blank side.

It’s okay, I wrote. I’ll get over it. Life is being a bitch but at least I’m not too terribly lonely: P

My writing was spidery and ugly while hers was round and pretty to look at. It was like the thrones concealing a rose. Ella smiled, her cheeks turning a slight pink. When she reached to take the pen back, I felt chills and ignored them.

I can’t imagine it’s any better here with me, haha.

“Nonsense,” I replied. “You’re interesting,” I admitted. In fact, she was one of the nicest people I had met in Phoenix as well. One of the only.

Ha, she wrote back and I could feel the wryness in it.

“Actually, it’s intriguing,” I mused as I crossed my arms over my chest to get a better look of her. There was something about her that made me feel so comfortable talking to her. Something made her seem familiar, like a movie that you loved when you were little, only to watch it years later, remembering your childhood rush of excitement when the opening credits played.

She perched an eyebrow. How so?

“I can’t get over it,” I began. “I mean, I’ve never talked to her in person before.” I paused, the thoughts of how hurt I was threatening to resurface but I pushed them down. “But you remind me so much of her,” I confided, feeling embarrassed as I said it. I didn’t want her to think I was weird, a sentimental freak, but I knew saying this would say otherwise. “Like, I know her from the messages we’ve sent, on paper, all that. But you’re how I imagine she’d be in real life,” I said, the words coming out before I could catch them and stop myself.

I expected her to give me a creeped-out or scornful look, but she smiled at me. What does she look like? Maybe we’re twins, she wrote and I gave a smile chuckle.

I lifted myself up a bit, reaching for my wallet. It was strange, to have Tori’s picture in there but sometimes when I was homesick on tour, her photo kept me grounded. She sent this to me on her twenty-third birthday, where I had gotten her a dress. I was freaking out over this whole ordeal, because I had no idea which one to pick, which one she’d like. Thankfully Natalie was there to help me out, giving me ‘girl’ advice and her opinion.

“Maybe you know her, actually,” I said quietly. “You’re artsy. Maybe you had class with her. Even though Phoenix is big…” I shrugged again, taking the picture out of my wallet. I admired it for a bit before showing it to Ella. “It’s an older picture, but I can’t imagine she’s changed that much.”

In the photo she was smiling, a breathtakingly gorgeous smile, with her blonde hair framing her face. The dress, which was white and had printed blue flowers on it, made her eyes stand out. When she attached it on a letter, she wrote, Better save it as a memento of me before I get glasses. She had also sent me a few picture after with her wearing glasses and she still looked beautiful. She was always beautiful. Perfect.

Ella smiled and handed me back Tori’s photo. I bet she’s nice, she wrote.

She was more than nice. Caring, friendly, compassionate. She looked out for you, even when you swore that you were fine. Tori saw through my lies on screen when I told her I was okay, when in reality I was barely holding on. Without her, I don’t think I would’ve made it through high school. I would’ve done something reckless and devastating if it weren’t for her love, even though it was coloured with friendship.

Why don’t you have a recent picture? Haha

That was a good question. I knew Tori was shy—but it wasn’t like I was going to expose her to the world and tell her everything that she’s told me. But there was still things that I didn’t know about her, like the extent of her anxiety. So I shrugged.

She’s so secretive, lol.

I smiled—bitterly and wistfully—at her words. “Yeah,” I agreed, defeated. “That’s why I can’t seem to get her out of my head.”

Ella shifted uncomfortably in her seat, wringing her hands together. I wasn’t good at maintaining conversations with anyone other than the guys, Natalie and Jaxin, and of course, Tori. I was useless with talking to someone who couldn’t talk. In spite that, she gave me a small smile and wrote something else on her notepad.

I hope you find her.

I knew she meant well, but saying something like that made me feel worse. If you had to find someone, it meant that they were already lost—that you have lost them.

“Thanks,” I muttered. “If I had known that she was going to treat this like a big game of hide and seek, I would’ve brought I map,” I joked, which made her smile wider. If she didn’t talk, did she laugh? “If only I knew where to look for her…”

That got me thinking. What if I did look for her? I knew there were some places that Tori would’ve gone to regularly, like an art supplies store or her favourite clothes boutique. There had to be someone somewhere that could tell me something—anything—about where she is. Who she is. Because right now, I feel like the Tori I knew and the Tori who I was expecting to meet were two different people.

“Ella?” I asked. She looked up and at me, her light brown eyes wide and curious. “Um, I was wondering…” I begun, suddenly feeling meek. I scratched the back of my neck shyly with my hand and bit the inside of my cheek. “Under no circumstances do you have to agree to this, but do you mind showing me around Phoenix? I would’ve asked Tori but obviously she’s not here so…yeah. But if you’re busy or have something on, it’s all good. I’ll just go by myself and get a map so I don’t get lost. I just…I just want to find her.”

She deliberated this. Maybe I shouldn’t have asked in the first place. I barely knew her but here I was, wondering if she had the time to hang out and show me around. I must be an idiot.
I shook my head. “Forget about it.”

She wrote on her notepad.

I don’t anything else better to do. Why not?

---

“I’m sorry, sir,” the clerk said to me. “I don’t recognise her,” she regretted.

I sighed. I knew it was a long shot, but I still had to give it a try. “That’s okay,” I answered. “Thank you for your time.”

We were at a Hot Topic store, the fourth place we’ve been to this afternoon. We decided to start off small, going to places that were of walking distance from the café. We had stopped at two clothing stores and a bakery so far and every person I had asked had told me that they don’t recognise her. But someone will have to, I thought optimistically. I just had to keep looking.
I went over to Ella, who was looking through tops on a rack. She looked up as I can closer, raising an eyebrow. I knew what she was asking and I shook my head. She gave me a look, one that said sorry.

“It’s alright,” I said. “We’ll find her.” Ella nodded slowly, giving me an encouraging smile. “Did you want to keep looking around the store though?” I didn’t want to make her feel like she was here because I wanted her to be and every five minutes or so, I assured her that if she wanted to leave, she could. But each time, she smiled, an expression that said that she’d stay. I was getting to know her better while we were going from establishment to establishment too, though it was kind of difficult for her to write on the notepad and try not to bump into someone who was walking in the opposite direction. So while going places, our form of communication was me asking her yes or no questions that she’d shake her head or nod to. Any pets? No, though I could tell she did want one. Brothers or sisters? Yes. Like music? Most definitely yes. Fan of pizza? She shot me a look that said, Are you really asking me that question? Right after she made that, she grinned and I found myself grinning back. I liked that I was making a new friend while trying to find an old one. One that I hoped still counted as my friend.

Granted, I was still pissed off that Tori bailed on me for the third time. All our lives we’ve been so hyped up on the possibility of meeting each other. Why is it now that she decides to back out? If she was nervous, shouldn’t she had figured that I would be nervous too? I didn’t want to return to San Diego, saying that it was all for nothing.

Ella shook her head and pointed to the door with a slight move of her head. Should we go?

I nodded, falling into step to her as we headed towards the exit. “What about ice cream?” I asked, continuing my questions. She gave me an entertained sideways glance and nodded. “What flavour? Strawberry?” a shrug and a gesture where her hand was horizontal, moving from side to side.

“Okay, um, rocky road?” This time she nodded again, hesitantly, as if she was about to say no before answering. I couldn’t blame her. My feelings about said flavour was the same.

“Cookies and cream?” I asked, because that was my favourite. Her smile widened and she nodded more enthusiastically. “I love cookies and cream, man. We should get some later,” I chuckled. She agreed to that as well.

As much I was mad at Tori, I still had a pang of guilt for being able to enjoy myself with Ella so easily. I didn’t have to try so hard and I liked that. It was like breathing. It was automatic.

We stopped by a few more stores getting the same results. No one knew who she was or refused to tell me about their clientele. I needed to find her and I didn’t want to give up until I saw her in from of me. And our meeting grew bittersweet with each passing moment. I hated fighting with her, but we could be so careless at times.

The sky was getting darker, the traffic was building up and I was getting hungry. I was still surprised that Ella was still here, guiding me as we explored the city. It was huge and I felt like we had covered quite a big distance on foot but in reality, we only covered a two mile radius.

“This is the last place for today,” I told her as we walked into a small cafe and florist shop. It was almost empty, just about to close. The décor was rustic but it had a certain charm to it. Outside were small flower pot hanging from the postings of the roof.

We walked up to the counter, where a middle aged man with greying hair stood with a warm smile on his face as we came nearer to him.

“Bonjour, comment avez-vous?” he asked. Then in English, he added, “What can I do for you two today?” with a heavy accent.

“Hi,” I began, toying with Tori’s photo in my hand. “I just wanted to enquire about one of your customers.” Ella had left my side, looking at the flower bouquets on display on the other side of the place.

The man nodded, the smile not leaving his face. “Well, young man, I have many customers that come here every day to my shop. Beaucoup de gens,” he explained. “Mais, I will try to help you as much as I can.”

“Thank you,” I said, returning his smile. I handed him Tori’s picture. “Does she come here often? She’s a friend of mine.”

“Je vois,” he murmured, taking the photo in his hand, scrutinizing it carefully. “Ah, I do recall seeing her. She came here very often, always drawing something, like the flowers. Very beautiful and such a lovely girl. I asked her to paint a scenery of the French countryside, which is hanging behind me. Sometimes I would give her free flowers or an extra pain au chocolat. Elle était en peu mince.” He gave me back the photo and I stuffed in back in my wallet. “Mais, mon jeune ami, I haven’t seen her in quite some time. Almost a year.”

A year? If she had loved this place so much, why would she stop coming here? I could see why Tori liked this place. It was calm and peaceful and there was inspiration everywhere. The food, the flowers, the people.

“What was she like?” I asked.

“She always came here alone and didn’t speak much,” he answered. “Nothing bad has happened to her, has it?”

“No, sir,” I told him. “I’m…looking for her.”

“Missing?”

“No,” I assured him.

“But missing from you?” he chuckled. “Je vois, je vois. J’espère que vous la trouverez. I hope you find her,” he said kindly, repeating what Ella had said later.

“Thank you,” I replied. “We’ll be out of your way.”

“No, wait,” he smiled. “I’ll give you and your friend something to eat. You both look famished, mon Dieu.”

He took two tarts that were on display and placed them in separate paper bags. I fished out a ten dollar bill but he shook his head. “It’s on the house,” he said. “It is nice to see such polite youths like you two come into my shop. Would you also like some flowers to give to you friend over there?” he asked, gesturing to Ella.

“Yes please,” I replied. I had to give something to her as a token of my gratitude. The store keeper produce a bouquet of lilies that were red, complimenting her hair. I tried again to give him the money but he shook his head.

He showed us out to the door, waving to us as we walked further down the street. We walked over to the coffee shop where we had seen each other earlier, it was becoming our rendezvous point. We didn’t talk much on the way because we were eating these delicious delicacies. Despite the way the day had started, I enjoyed my second day in Phoenix. I didn’t expect to be hanging out with Ella—let alone see her again—but I had fun hanging with her.

Once we reached the café, the city was fully lit. We stood facing each other, unsure what to say. Ella’s eyes were deeper in the darkness. Alluring like the night. It suited her. She was beautiful too, in a different way. The way she was silent, but still had a voice, made her seem curious. Once you met her, you had to know more about her.

“Thanks for today,” I said, breaking the silence. “I’m sorry for wasting your afternoon.”

She smiled and took out her notepad. At least now that we weren’t moving, it was easier for her to write what she had to say.

You didn’t waste it, she wrote. I liked showing you around. It’s sad we never got our ice cream though.

“Dammit, I knew we were forgetting something,” I groaned lightly. “Next time,” I said, hoping that there would actually be a next time. On the chance that I did get around to meeting with Tori, I wanted her to meet Ella. That way we could all hang out together. I held out the bunch of lilies to her, and slowly she took them, a smile on her face.

Thank you, she wrote, drawing a smiley face next to it. They smell nice.

“Really?” I asked and she held them to my nose so that I could inhale its sweet aroma. “Okay you’re right,” I breathed. “Will you be okay getting home? Do you want me to call a cab for you?”

She shook her head. I’ll be fine. I’ll see you around, hopefully.

I nodded. It was weird though—I didn’t want to say goodbye to her just yet. “Maybe I might bump into you again when you’re on a coffee run?” I suggested playfully.

You’ll know where to find me.

---

Tori: Hey.

Me: Hey.

Tori: I’m so sorry, I was just so stressed out from work and all and it just made me nervous about seeing you.

Me: That’s understandable. But you shouldn’t have to worry about meeting me. It’s just me. Like, this is what you wanted, isn’t it?

Tori: I’m not sure what I want any more.

Notes

oh crapnuggets.

btw sorry if the paragraphing is weird. and that i repeated like 90% of the previous chapter. you have my permission to vent your anger on that on the comments

i was feeling nostalgic and i missed taking french so

beaucoup de gens - a lot of people
mais - but
je vois - i see
elle etait en peu mince - she was a bit skinny
mon jeune ami - my young friend
j'espere que vous la trouverez - i hope you will find her

so how do you think Tony feels about Tori? And Ella? leave your thoughts below :) we love comments and predictions and anything.

and claire you don't have to make update as fast as i did (unless you want to but youre not obligated to do so. i just have no life hahaha)

sleep is nigh. it is morning for you most of you guys i would imagine but for me its night and im tired. silly side effects of the flu injection, making me have headaches and a heavy arm and making me sleepier than i already am.

mucho love you little turtles
Precious :D xx