My body was sprawled out on top of the warm, very comfortable bed, like a classic, lazy teenager. I yawned, opening my eyes, noticing that I wasn’t in my room.

“Oh,” I said lowly, remembering that I had slept in Alyssa’s room with her. I shot up, scanning the room for her, the words she said last night immediately flooding into my brain again.

I shot up in alarm. “Shit!” I exclaimed. I looked down on myself, I was still in my clothes from last night. I looked to my left; Alyssa was sleeping. Her face wasn’t peaceful, though, it was scrunched up and she looked disturbed. “Damn it,” I cursed quietly to myself. I rubbed my face with my hands and sighed. I glanced at Alyssa again. I slid off of her bed but stopped, turning and looking at her again. I rubbed my face again. Should I wake her up? Or should I just leave? I bit my lip but my questions didn’t need an answer because she started to stir quietly.

“Oh,” she said when she opened her eyes. “Oh,” she repeated. She rubbed her eyes and sat up. “I’m sorry.”

I chuckled a little and shook my head. “Why are you apologizing?” I shook my head again and smiled gently at her. She was so confused; it was adorable. I shook my head a third time.

“What a way to break the ice, eh?” I tried with a weak smile. She smiled weakly back as a response, sitting up.

“I guess so,” she laughed. She tucked a piece of her hair behind her ear and yawned a little. “I, uh, I am sorry for—”

“Sh, Alyssa,” I hushed her kindly. I walked around her bed, to her side, and hugged her fearlessly. “I really do miss you, Lissy,” I murmured.

“I miss you too.”

I pulled away. “I have to go. But can we get together sometime soon?” I asked, without even thinking, the words just fell out of my mouth easily.

She nodded. “I’d like that. A lot,” she said sweetly. I smiled at her.

“I’ll see you soon,” I said. I hesitated, though. It felt weird saying goodbye to Alyssa, without a kiss or even gently brushing my thumb across her cheek. She waved a little shyly and I smiled again. Then, I turned to leave her room. I couldn’t believe we were back in this place. I turned back around to look at her—but she was already laying down again, her face buried in a pillow. It took a lot of effort not to walk back there and lay with her for a while. That wouldn’t be right of me.

I checked the time on my watch, exiting her room. It was nine in the morning, but the house was still quiet. I easily snuck out of the house, luckily not disturbing Mrs. Perry or Tony because I think he stayed there last night, too. Just like last night, I sunk into the driver seat and opened my phone. I had a few texts from both Mike and Kayla. Mike’s was just telling me that he would be home by four this afternoon. Then, he followed up with a question, asking how I was doing today.

“Uh, I’m alright… Weird things… I’ll explain later I guess…” I sent the message warily. Mike and I told each other basically everything; I was definitely going to share this with him.

“Hey where are you?” Kayla’s message read.

“Why?” I replied. Did she go to my house this early? Damn.

“Just wondering. I was going to surprise you with donuts this morning, to cheer you up. You weren’t there,” she replied. I sighed loudly—she was being sweet, not clingy.

“Aw, haha. I was picking up breakfast for you, too, to make up for me being an ass yesterday,” I lied. I pressed my palms into my face and groaned.

“Really?”

“Yes really.”

“Well, where are you now? I just got back to my place…”

“I’m just leaving the bakery. Line was long, but I’ll be there soon?” I gnawed on my lip.

“Haha okay Vic. :* ”

I sent her a kiss face back and sighed, dropping my phone into a cup holder and speeding off towards the bakery we liked. Luckily, there was no line and I had two deluxe muffins—one chocolate chip, one blueberry—in my possession in no time. I sped off to Kayla’s apartment; I was practically sweating by the time I got there. I stuffed my phone into my back pocket and pressed the buzzer of the complex.

“Vic?”

“Yeah, it’s me.” She buzzed me in and I jogged up the two flights of stairs and walked down the hallway to her apartment. I knocked on the door and she answered a few seconds later, the door swinging open.

“Hey,” she said with a smile. I kissed her on her cheek. Then, she laughed a little, staring at me curiously. “Didn’t you wear that yesterday?” she laughed, poking my shoulder.

My eyes widened but I played it cool. I looked down on myself and shrugged my shoulders. “Ha, I guess I did. Leave me alone, I’m a boy,” I forced a laugh, poking her back. She giggled and intertwined her fingers with mine, pulling me into her living room. On the coffee table was a box of donuts from Dunkin. I set the two muffins down. She pulled me down onto the couch with her and swung her legs over my lap. I rested my hands on her legs.

“Damn, Vic,” she started. “You’re hands are shaking bad. Are you okay?” she asked.

I looked down on my hands. “Shit!” I exclaimed. I jumped up from her, causing her to yelp slightly. I sprinted out of her apartment and dashed down the stairs. I hastily unlocked my car and practically dove inside, opening the center console and pulling out the pills I kept in there. I took the appropriate amount, swallowing them down dry. Normally if I missed a dose I was okay, but I had a feeling that with everything going on regarding Alyssa’s return, I wouldn’t be. My emotions were all over the place—a dangerous thing if I missed a dose. The past few years my emotions have been stable, explaining why I wasn’t that affected by missing pills here and there. But now I needed to be very careful.

My hands were still shaking, though. I slammed the door shut and held my hands against the top of the car, gripping the metal and ducking my head in between my arms. I took a few heavy and slightly painful breaths.

“Vic! What the hell is wrong with you?” I heard Kayla exclaim from a distance. I shook my head. A few seconds later I felt her hand collide with my arm. “Vic!” she yelled. I shook my head again and kept my eyes closed, ignoring her and focusing on my breathing. I was going to send myself into a panic attack if I wasn’t careful—not an episode, though, luckily. “Vic, what the fuck?” she sighed loudly, grabbing my arm. I shook her hand off. I folded my arms together and rested them on the top of the small car, burying my face into my arms. “Vic!”

I growled and lifted my head up. “Give me a minute, will you?!” I snapped. I didn’t wait to hear her response before I reburied my head into my arms, taking another deep breath. Kayla was quiet for a few seconds, before she spoke again.

“What is wrong with you?” she asked again, but this time not in a condescending tone. It was with concern. She gently touched my shoulder and I sighed again.

“Sorry,” I mumbled. I picked my head up and rubbed my face with my hands.

“Vic.”

I turned to face her and she was staring at me, her eyebrows furrowed and her mouth a little scrunched. “I should probably leave,” I said, unlocking my car and going to open the door.

“Vic, no,” she said, grabbing my arm. “You can’t drive like this,” she said.

“I can’t be around you right now,” I said. Kayla flinched and she looked hurt—I didn’t mean it like that, though! Shit! “I-I didn’t mean it like that, Kay. I just can’t be around anyone right now. See? All I do is fuck shit up,” I reasoned, closing my eyes and leaning against the car in defeat.

“It’s fine, Vic. You just need to calm down. Come on,” she urged. She released my arm and slid her hand down to mine, gently tugging on my hand. I sighed and closed my door and locked my car, walking with her back to her apartment.

“Kay, I’m really sorry I’m acting this way but I really—”

“You need space. I get it, Vic. I’ll give it to you but I’m not going to let you drive home like this. You’re thinking too much and you just need to relax,” she explained, as she led me back inside.

“Where are we going?” I asked as she pulled me further into her place.

“My room,” she said. She guided me into her room and nudged me to sit back on her bed. I sighed and frowned. “Lay down,” she instructed.

“Kay—”

“Vic, you’re shaking. Just sleep it off. We’ll talk later,” she said—she looked a little irritated, and honestly I didn’t really blame her.

“I’m not four years old,” I muttered. She rolled her eyes and pushed me back again, I sighed. For some reason, I felt out of place here. I have always been so comfortable with her, but now, and I was sure this had something to do with Alyssa, I didn’t feel at ease laying here. Kayla was right; I really was unraveled. I was a grown man yet here I was, feeling like an unbalanced child. I rubbed my face with my hands and sighed loudly.

I didn’t know why I was listening to Kayla, though. What I really needed was a walk and some fresh air. Or a drive. But laying here amongst my own thoughts with out Alyssa—er, by myself—was not a good thing. I might as well be drowning.

“Vic!” Kayla exclaimed. I shot up and stared at her. “For the love of god, what is the matter with you?” she growled.

“Damn, sorry, Kay,” I rolled my eyes, sitting up. “I don’t like sleeping things off,” I mumbled. Because that’s what Alyssa and I used to do—sleep away our problems, together.

“Why? You’re tired, Vic,” she noted.

“It’s unhealthy.” I’m not with her.

“You’re such a pain in the ass sometimes,” she frowned.

I rolled my eyes again. “If I’m too much of a bother, I’ll just leave,” I insisted, going to slide off the bed. And maybe I’ll go see her, I found myself thinking. But Kayla slapped her hand against my chest, keeping me from going anywhere. “Kayla,” I warned.

“No, Vic. Just calm down. I don’t want you to leave. I mean, obviously I can’t force you to stay here but I just want to help. Talk to me,” she persisted.

I sighed. “I’m just stressed, Kay.”

“About what?” she asked softly. She stepped closer to me and trailed her fingernails in circles around my chest.

“Things. Mom. The band,” I listed.

“Your mom is going to be okay, she has you guys. And you just finished a world tour, the band is doing great, and you don’t have to worry about the next album for at least another month,” she said.

“I guess,” I shrugged my shoulders. “But it has to be perfect, y’know? There’s high expectations,” I explained. This wasn’t really what my stress was about, obviously, but it did help a little to talk about. Because I still was stressed with the band, and talking it through with her got my mind off of things with Alyssa.

“But you always meet the expectations, you guys always do great. Have a little faith in yourself,” she said.

I shrugged my shoulders passively. “I guess we do. But what if we don’t this time? There’s so much to do. I feel like we just peaked and I’m afraid we’re going to go down hill from here,” I muttered.

“Vic!” she scoffed.

“It’s true, Kay. Everyone’s really positive for us but I feel the negative, of everything that could go wrong. We could flop this! We could disappoint fans! The last album—”

“Was fantastic. But so was the first and second in different ways and you’ve only grown from each one. They’re all different, and the next one will be different too but it’ll show growth, because you’ve seen the world and I know you have a lot in you,” she continued, stepping closer to me as she talked. She rested her hands on my shoulders. “You put too much pressure on yourself. Just do what you do best—write,” she encouraged. She slid her hands up a little so her fingers were gently tickling the sides of my neck.

I sighed and nodded. That actually was, surprisingly, very helpful and encouraging to hear. The Kayla that I loved was currently shining through—and god damn was that making things even more complicated. I did love her—just because Alyssa was back didn’t mean I had to drop everything and go back to her. Why would she even want me back, anyway? Why would I even consider that?

“Stop,” Kayla said.

“Huh?”

“You’re still thinking! Seriously, Vic, just relax,” she cooed. She leaned forward and brushed my hair back, gently kissing under my jaw. I sighed.

“I think I need a break,” I mumbled into her shoulder.

She shot up and backed away. “A break?” she asked with a frown and furrowed eyebrows. I nodded. “But, why?”

“There’s too much going on in my head. I need to go,” I said lowly.

“Vic,” she whined a little. “Just tell me what I can do to help. Please.”

I shook my head. “I’m sorry, Kay. I just can’t right now,” I shook my head.

“What? What can’t you, what?” she asked, frustrated.

“I really just need to go away,” I said lowly—and do what I do best: write.

“Vic, c’mon,” she pouted.

“I’m sorry, Kay,” I said, standing up. She placed her hand on my chest again, biting her lip.

“Baby,” she whined again, her bottom lip trembling. I sighed and closed my eyes briefly.

“I’m not breaking up with you, Kay,” I assured. I cupped her cheek with my hand and gently kissed her. “This is about me—this is all on me.”

She nodded slowly and blinked. “Don’t cry,” I said, feeling guilty and very selfish. But, mostly, I was confused.

“I just need to decompress. I’m sorry. I—” I shook my head and stepped around her. I walked to her door and turned around to face her before I left. “I’ll talk to you in a few days,” I said.

“A few days?!” she exclaimed.

“Yes, Kay.” I turned and reached for the handle of the door, but she grabbed my arm.

“Vic, a few days? What the fuck!”

“Kayla,” I groaned.

“No, Vic—”

“Space. I need space. From everyone. I’ll be back in a few days. I won’t have phone service. Just—bye,” I shook my head but I leaned forward and kissed her cheek. I turned away again and this time she let me go.

I was being impulsive, but I knew this was the best thing for me right now. Space. I needed to clear my head. I needed to focus on my responsibilities for the band, get going on organizing for the new album.

On my way home, I made a quick call, reserving a cabin at Big Bear. We had used it for writing the last record, and we liked it so much that we kept our name on the call list just in case. I was glad we did that, because I knew this was very last minute but it was also very necessary. Luckily, it was available.

When I got back, Mike was still gone. I was glad, because then he would try to stop me. I grabbed a duffel bag and packed a few days worth of clothes, along with some essential toiletries and my pills. I swung it over my shoulder and walked into my office space. I set my acoustic guitar into its case, locking it up. I couldn’t decide if I was going to bring my electric and some pedals, but I figured that would be too much of a hassle to carry myself so I decided to keep things raw and simple. I set my stuff by the front door and took out my phone, opening my messages with Mike.

“Hey I’m on my way home,” he had said. I sighed, contemplating what to say to him. I didn’t want to say something that would freak him out, but I also didn’t want him to follow me up to Big Bear.

“Okay. Sorry, I’m doing some work,” I said simply.

“What kind of work?”

“Writing.”

“Where are you?”

“Out. I’ll call you eventually.” I left it at that. Maybe I was being an asshole but that was more of a reason to leave for a few days. I had to get my head under wraps. Transitioning to focusing on the album instead of social lives would do the trick.

I packed my stuff in the trunk and then stuck in an old Chiodos CD. I tapped my fingers against the wheel as I drove the two-and-a-half hour drive up to Big Bear, California, my phone already off and in the glove compartment, all outside connections cut off, and my mind already shifted into writing-mode.

Notes

Here's an update because I feel unproductive with my life and this sort of makes me feel like I've accomplished something lol. And I have writer's block for all my other stories, womp :/

Buuuuut anyway! What do you guys think? Let me know!!
Sorry it's a little short, in my opinion. But still I feel like a lot is going on, idek. I am just as confused as Vic is in the story hahah

Thanks for reading, as always xo