“Vic,” she said softly. She slid off of the counter and smiled shyly up at me. “I didn’t realize you were here,” she blushed a little. I have never seen her so shy. “I was, uh, in my own little world over here,” she chuckled.

“It’s good to see you, Alyssa,” I murmured, stepping forward and giving her a small hug. She hugged me back briefly and then we both separated at the same time. She looked down at the floor and then back up at me, smiling softly.

“It’s good to see you too,” she said.

“Did you have a good flight?” I asked.

She nodded. “Yes, it was good.” I took a breath and nodded, smiling. We stood there quietly for a few minutes. I tried to avoid thinking that it was awkward, but it most definitely was. She seemed to be doing the same. “Tony forced me to listen to your new music, by the way,” she said.

“Oh, you weren’t listening to us already?” I teased lightheartedly. She laughed a little and shook her head.

“You guys are really good. I’m proud of you—of all of you. You’ve come along way,” she said, nodding.

“Thanks, Alyssa,” I smiled.

“Remember when you sang me a full original song, for the first time ever? You were so shy and it was just me, now here you are singing for thousands of people,” she smiled widely.

“Yeah, I do actually,” I smiled back. “Wonderless.”

“Yes, that’s the one,” she grinned. Nostalgia continued to twist in my chest as I remembered the times we shared. I felt like I was going to be sick, but I swallowed it all down and kept the excited smile on my face. “I’ll admit it and say I have that one on my iPod,” she laughed. “But the recorded version doesn’t even compare to the version you sang for me,” she said softly.

I smiled warmly and she just smiled back. We were both sort of at a loss for words. What kinds of things were you supposed to talk about after not seeing each other or talking for basically six years? Things had to be said, but it didn’t feel right to jump back into casual conversation, as if nothing was wrong.

“Hey, guys,” Tony said, saving us from being sucked up into a black hole of awkward. For once, Tony was the more animated one and he swung his arms around both mine and Alyssa’s shoulder, squeezing us tightly. “It’s nice to all be back together, isn’t it?” he said.

“Yeah, yeah it is!” I exclaimed with a chuckle. Tony sighed happily, then he let his arms slack and fall to his sides.

“Mama sent me hear to retrieve you guys. It’s dinner time,” Tony said. I nodded and my eyes flickered to Alyssa, she was nodding too. He turned and walked out the back and to the porch, where we were having dinner outside. I blinked and then I saw Alyssa walking towards the door, too. I was still standing in the kitchen; I hadn’t moved an inch.

She turned and looked at me curiously. “Are you coming, Vic?” she asked softly. I took a deep breath and nodded, smiling again, and walked forward.

When I got outside, I watched as Alyssa rushed to her mom’s side, helping her sit down even though Tony looked like he was going to do the same. I stood in the doorway, just watching them interact. Alyssa stuck her tongue out at her brother and he laughed as a response. She sat down close next to her mom; Tony sat at the end of the table and Jaime sat across from Mrs. Perry. That meant that I had to sit across from Alyssa.

I shook my head of my immaturity and walked forward. I smiled, sitting down next to Jaime.

“So, boys!” Mrs. Perry exclaimed. “Tell me, what do you guys have in store for us this year?” she asked with excitement. Normally, I would answer those kinds of questions. In interviews, I was more of the spokesperson, who told people of our plans that we could talk about. But, now, I receded into silence. I couldn’t bring myself to talk about our future with the past staring me directly in the face.

Luckily, Jaime jumped right in, telling them that we were going to be writing an album this upcoming year. We were going to be taking a break until the new year—get through the holiday season—and then we would be going to work. I tried writing during the tours, but I always found it difficult because we were constantly traveling and running around to interviews and there was not enough time to just sit down and write. I had some stuff, but I really had a lot of work to do this year if we wanted to get the next album out by next fall.

“Aw, that’s so exciting. I’m so proud of you boys,” Mrs. Perry beamed. “Vic,” she addressed me. I looked up and smiled at her expectantly. “You aren’t going to disappear on us this year, when you write, are you?” she asked with a lighthearted grin.

“No, I won’t,” I said with a small chuckle. “I promise,” I assured. Tony eyed me—I had a history of disappearing while writing for albums—but I looked at him significantly, telling him I meant it this time. Writing was like my own personal therapy, though, but sometimes I could get too sucked into it. I just wanted everything to be perfect.

“Good. I miss having you all around,” she said, her eyes saddening and another wave of nostalgia and guilt washed over me. I smiled weakly at her and then looked down, moving the rice across my plate with my fork.

As usual, thank god for Jaime. He kept us all talking during the entire dinner, and laughing. None of us had a chance to sit quiet and reflect about how things used to be compared to how things were now. I was really glad for that, too. Throughout dinner, I stole glances at Alyssa. She was never looking in my direction. I felt like I was suffocating.

When we were finished, we all helped with the dishes. Mrs. Perry was tired, so Tony was going to help her into bed.

“Goodnight, Vic,” Mrs. Perry said.

I smiled. “Goodnight, Mrs. Perry,” I said quietly, giving her a hug.

“Thank you for being here. I can’t believe it took so long to all get together again. We have to do better,” she whispered. I nodded. “Now that Alyssa is home…” her voice trailed off and she nodded. She wiped her face with her hand and sighed. I could tell that she was hurt, because of me and even more because of Alyssa. She hasn’t seen her own daughter in years. There was a huge part of me that wanted to scream at Alyssa, demanding answers. But I was no better than her—I was probably worse, because I lived locally but still couldn’t bring myself to come back any sooner.

Tony smiled weakly at me and took his mother’s arm, guiding her to her room to go to sleep. After Jaime said goodnight to her, he turned to me, saying that he had to get home to Jess—his girlfriend of a few years.

So that left me alone, with Alyssa. We went into the living room and I traced my hand on the back of the couch before walking around and settling into it. Everything looked the same. There was a huge part of me that wanted to sprint up to her room, just for old times sake. I knew that would ultimately cause more pain that happiness, though. I wondered if Alyssa had been up there yet—then I realized that that was probably where she would be staying while she was home.

“Hey,” she said softly, sitting down on the couch a couple feet away from me.

“Hey, ‘Lyssa,” I smiled. She held her hands in her lap and twisted them together nervously. “How are you?” I asked, to spark conversation.

“I’m okay,” she shrugged her shoulders with a small smile. She tucked her hair behind her ear.

“I’m sorry about your job,” I frowned.

“It’s okay,” she shrugged her shoulders again, her replies almost robotic. Things were almost too casual with us. The tension between us was hidden, but it was definitely there. We were trying really hard, though—maybe too hard. Her eyes flickered to mine and then they quickly darted away. I sucked in a breath and nodded, acknowledging the unspoken strain that existed. “I have opportunities here. But I’ll be focusing on mom, anyway. Tony is helping with money and stuff, you know how he is. He wouldn’t let me refuse it. So, it’s okay,” she shrugged her shoulders a third time.

“Oh,” I nodded. “Well that’s good then. If you need any help while we are home, y’know, just let me know,” I said, stumbling on my words a bit. She smiled and nodded. I wanted to crawl in a corner and never return, the awkwardness was eating me alive. It wasn’t detectable to any one else, but it was definitely there.

“How are you?” she asked softly.

“Good,” I nodded. She smiled gently and nodded too, repeating the word “good” quietly to herself. I bit on my lip a little and then released it, letting out a small sigh.

From the corner of my eye, I spotted Tony, glancing in our direction—he was talking on the phone, in the kitchen. He looked a little concerned but then I noticed Alyssa smiling tenderly at her brother, telling him that she was okay. Well, if she was okay, then I had to be okay, too.

“I’ve missed you,” I said softly yet boldly, although it was the truth. I didn’t know what else to say to her, so I said that. However, my words seemed to make her—us—more uncomfortable than before.

“I’ve missed you, too, Vic,” she murmured, but she wouldn’t look me directly in the eyes.

“I, uh… I saw that you called, before I got here?”

“Oh, yeah. I just was letting you know that I was here. And I wanted to talk to you before everyone else came, make sure we were both on the same page…” her voice trailed off.

“Same page?” I questioned.

“Er, yeah. That we would be cool, and to make sure things weren’t weird, y’know, for my mom,” she shrugged her shoulders.

“Oh, right, yeah. Yeah, we’re cool,” I smiled warmly.

“Good,” she smiled back. I noticed that her eyes were a little vacant—they sparkled when she smiled but then she would recede back into herself a little, like she was thinking a lot. I smiled and the nostalgia in my chest returned; I missed seeing her like this. She was so different, like me, yet when her eyes went like that as she thought I got a glimpse of the old Alyssa, who I used to know, who I would like to say I still adored.

“All this time you still had my number? You should’ve called,” I teased lightheartedly, nudging her a little. She stuck her tongue out at me and rolled her eyes.

“I got it from Tony,” she said.

“Oh, so you deleted my number?” I teased again.

“You’re impossible!” she laughed, shaking her head. She didn’t deny it, though. “I got a new phone, new contacts and stuff,” she said, shrugging her shoulders a little as she explained even though it was unnecessary. I nodded.

“I, uh,” I looked down at my lap and then back up at her, “I don’t really know what to say,” I admitted, scratching the back of my neck. It was so weird, feeling like this. I was so used to being relaxed in conversation. I was able to handle the most awkward interviews, but, right now, I simply wanted to disappear.

She smiled. “It’s okay, Vic. I know…” her voice trailed off. She looked like she wanted to say something else but then she sighed and slightly shook her head. There was so much I wanted to say but now didn’t feel like the right time. When would be the right time, though? No time felt right. None of this was right. Being separated from Lissy was not fucking right, but neither was being with her like this.

Why did you never come back? I wanted to ask that question so bad but for some reason I just couldn’t get it out right now. I knew asking that would lead to some sort of argument, and I really didn’t want to fight with her. So I swallowed it down and cleared my throat. “We should catch up for real some time,” I suggested. “Just you and me.”

“Yeah, that would be nice,” she said.

“I should probably get going now, though,” I said. I could only handle being here for so long. I imagined that she was going to let out a sigh of air the moment I leave—I knew I was going to.

She nodded, gently biting her lip but not in the seductive way like Kayla, in the nervous way. I smiled tenderly at her and pushed my palms into my thighs, standing up. I just hoped that it wasn’t too obvious that I was dying to get out of here already.

She stood up too and shyly walked closer to me. I smiled and wrapped my arms around her. The hug was stiff at first, but we eventually both relaxed. This was what we needed, just to feel it again a little. “Bye, Lissy,” I murmured, reopening my eyes and pulling away.

“See you soon, Vic, I hope,” she said, her voice a little shaky. I nodded and smiled. I was supposed to turn away now, but my legs weren’t following. I was afraid to turn my back on her again. Even though things were weird, now, I still wanted her in my life. There was no question about that.

Alyssa raised an eyebrow at me; I must have been standing there for too long. “Oh, uh, yeah, I hope so too,” I smiled. My heart was thumping dramatically in my chest. Impulsively, I stepped forward again to hug her. I didn’t know if I was crossing any undrawn boundaries or not, but I really did need it. I hoped she did too. She hugged me back carefully and I smiled gently at her, turning away. There was a tiny part of me that wanted to give up, give in, and breakdown, but I knew I had to keep my cool. I waved bye to Tony who was still talking on the phone, I waved bye to Alyssa again, and then I exited the house.

I sighed in relief. I could breathe again, now that I was out of that house. I took my hat off and ran my fingers through my hair. They were shaking.

That wasn’t that bad though. We didn’t get that much time to talk by ourselves, but I was glad for that. Baby steps. I couldn’t—and I wouldn’t—ignore the fact that she was here, but it was going to take some adjusting and getting used to. That was why I was glad tonight was only a short visit, focused on the Perry family as a whole and not just her. We couldn’t dive straight back into each other’s lives; we had to wade the waters, first. Slowly and probably painfully, but we would get there. I hope.

I sighed, sinking into the driver’s seat of my car. I pulled my phone out of my pocket and sat in the car for a few minutes, checking my messages. I had one from Mike, asking how things went and if I was okay. I had a few from Kayla, wondering if I was going to go back to her place tonight and wishing Mrs. Perry well again. Then I had one from Tony, from only a minute ago, mentioning that I did “a good job” and he was happy that things went relatively well.

I texted Tony back, first. “Thanks, I guess haha. Um, is Alyssa okay? What is she doing?” I sent the message, biting my lip. I knew it wasn’t my place anymore to worry about her, but I just wanted to make sure she was okay and not freaking out or anything like I was.

Moments later, he texted me back. “She’s fine, I guess. She looked happy. But she just went upstairs.”

“Ok, okay. Well I’ll talk to you tomorrow then.” I sent the message and then I scrolled to Mike’s. “It went pretty well. I’m fine. When will you be home?”

He didn’t answer right away like Tony, so while I waited I went to Kayla’s messages. “Thanks Kay. She’s good. Do you want me to come over?” Even though she had asked if I was, I still wanted to make sure, considering what I had done earlier.

I saw that she was typing a response, but then Mike texted me back. I clicked on his and read it. “Good to hear. Probably midday tomorrow? Idk. I’ll text you,” he said. I just sent a simple “okay” and went back to Kayla’s messages.

“Good. If you want to, I’d love for you to if you can,” she said. I smiled a little and went to respond, but then I sighed. I didn't know if it would be a good idea to stay with her tonight. My head was going to be spinning and I didn’t want to start another fight.

“I’m sorry, Kay. I don’t think I can… I just need the night to myself, thinking and stuff,” I sighed as I pressed send.

“It’s okay Vic. Are you alright?”

“Yes,” I replied simply. “I’ll call you tomorrow,” I sent another message. I clicked my phone off without waiting for a response and started my car with a sigh. I turned on my music, to drown out my thoughts until I got home. Only bad things could result from thinking too much while driving. I turned on Of Mice and Men’s new album—I really loved it, those dudes did a great job. I nodded my head and tapped my fingers on the wheel.

When I finally got home, I parked the car and sighed, getting out. I didn’t like that I was alone tonight, but I definitely didn’t think being with Kayla was a good idea. I just wished that Mike was home, I needed to talk my feelings out.

Instead of talking, I entered the house with a huff and knelt down, burying my head into my hands. “Fuck,” I sighed loudly and ran my fingers through my hair, knocking my hat out in the process because I forgot about it. I growled and swapped it from the floor, standing up. I walked forward but I didn’t really know where I was going. I just felt overwhelmed with emotion and memories; my brain was just going to pop.

“Don’t do this, Vic,” I muttered lowly to myself. I took a few more steps and rested my forehead against the hallway wall. I closed my eyes and sighed. My brain was on overdrive. I was thinking too much. Of everything we used to be. We used to be so silly together. We were kids—a little bit more than kids but compared to how we were now, we really were kids back then. But we were so in love. My mind rewound, playing back moments we shared. Like when I would help her with calculus homework. When I held her hand and told her I loved her, even if she hurt herself. When she would play with my hair. When I kissed her neck. When we snuck around her mom. Our dance at prom, when we were reunited and she still loved me after everything I put her through. When we had our first dinner together, after our relationship was revealed to her mom—even though she knew the whole time.
I sucked in a sharp breath—I had to stop thinking. Because eventually those dates and silly times turned into sadness and separation and pain. We were made to be together but when we were physically apart it didn’t work—or did we just not try hard enough?

I reopened my eyes; they burned. I growled again and pulled my arm back and then back forward aggressively, slamming my fist into the wall. I sobbed quietly and lifted my head from the wall. I held my left hand over my face as I cried. It hurt too much. I loved my life now but it did go to an extent, without her…

But now I had Kayla. Maybe things were rocky but she did make me happy. But would Alyssa make me happier? Did it even matter—my happiness? I was being selfish, thinking that I even had an option between my wonderful past with Alyssa and my present-day comfort with Kayla.

“Fuck!” I yelled. I punched the wall again because I couldn’t handle my head. It has been so long since my head has hurt like this.

I took a few steps back, away from the wall. I lifted my hands up and held them on my head, my eyes wide and my heart thumping as I stared at the cracks I made in the wall. I didn't know where to go or what to do or how to even function. One girl made me feel like this. That had to mean something.

My phone beeped. I flinched as it pulled me into reality. My hands were shaking. I walked into the kitchen and pulled a beer out of the fridge; then, I sat down on the couch in my living room, sinking into the cushion. I pulled my phone out. I was momentarily relaxed, but I stiffened again, seeing that it was text from Tony.

“She’s crying.”

I swallowed and closed my eyes. “What do I do?”

“I don’t know Vic but it’s not good for Ma or for you guys to be upset over each other.”

Tony was right. I looked down at my ripped knuckles with a frown. Punching a wall over Alyssa and our broken relationship was not worth it. Crying over how things used to be and how they weren’t anymore wasn’t worth it, either. I had to man up and just deal with it, because we couldn’t change anything. I learned a long time ago—after my first mental hospital visit, things with Bree, things with Alyssa, things with Mike—to not stress over how things change. Back then, things were always changing. This change was bigger and drawn out over a longer period of time, and that really gave me some perspective. Things were always changing and at different rates but no matter what we got through them. Over the past few years I’ve come to terms with it and I’ve learned how to deal with it, and I wasn’t about to start falling apart again over the past—no matter how close or far away the past was.

“I know… Would it help to know that I am crying, too? Lol.”

“It’s not funny.”

“I know. Sorry. I’m just saying, it’s not easy Tony and I don’t like this at all.”

“Are you trying to say that you wish she wasn’t back?” he accused. My eyes widened and my chest pounded.

“No! I’m trying to say that I wish we never separated. We used to be happy. Now we’re all tears and punching walls and shit.”

“You punched a wall? Haha.”

“It’s not funny.”

“Yeah, yeah. It’ll be okay. It’s weird right now but you guys will click again. I know you will,” he reassured. I smiled because I was really glad that Tony said that. It was going to take time but he was right, we would click again eventually.

“Thanks Tone. Do you guys need anything?”

Tony took a few minutes to respond. “How mad would Kayla be if I asked you to come back over? Idk what’s wrong with Lis but she won’t stop crying… I haven’t seen her like this in years…” I bit my lip and grimaced. Lissy wasn’t one to breakdown easily—she cried, but she never had real fits over things. I’ve witnessed it a few times, and I’ve heard of it now twice—once after I hurt her really badly, by trying to kill myself… I shuddered. I didn’t think about those times often but I couldn’t help and remember it, now. I had really pushed Alyssa away back then, when I was in my second mental hospital trip. I closed my eyes tightly and then sighed, shaking the memories from my head.

“Very mad. I’m on my way,” I responded. Kayla was fine, she didn’t need me. But Alyssa needed me, and I couldn’t ignore that. Alyssa has helped me through so much shit, the least I could do was be there for her now.

I hopped into my car and quickly pulled out of my driveway, driving the usual twenty-minute drive to the Perry’s in ten.

“Damn, Vic, that was fast,” Tony said, his eyebrows raised as he opened the door for me. I shrugged my shoulders.

“Does she know I’m here?” I asked quietly, walking inside.

He shook his head. “She doesn’t even know that I know she’s upset…” he bit his lip.

“Tony,” I hissed, closing my eyes briefly and rubbing my forehead with my palm.

Tony shrugged his shoulders. “She might respond better if she doesn't know you’re coming,” he said.

“True,” I nodded. I gulped and looked up the stairs. I glanced back at Tony. He nodded. I sighed and set my keys and phone on the table in the foyer. I bit my lip and sighed again. Tony gently patted my shoulder and I nodded, walking carefully up the stairs. I couldn’t believe that I was here again.

My hands were shaking by the time I had reached her door. I could hear her crying to herself.

“Alyssa?” I whispered quietly into the air. I turned my entire body, facing the source of the sound I heard and fully realizing that it was the door to Alyssa’s bedroom. I could have sworn that I heard a cry or a sniffle or something.

“Alyssa,” I murmured. I closed my eyes briefly and gulped. She sounded so upset.

“Lissy…” I whispered to myself when I heard it again. I didn’t know if I should knock or just walk into her room. I didn’t want to scare her by barging in, but I didn’t want her to act asleep when I knocked. So, I did a combination of both. I gave a small knock to warn her a little that I was coming in, and then I opened the door slowly, slipping inside stealthily.

I didn’t know if I should knock or just walk into her room. I didn’t want to scare her by barging in, but I didn’t want her to act asleep when I knocked. I didn’t want her to get angry with me for being here. I bit my lip. I gave a small knock to warn her a little that I was coming in—although, I didn’t think she would even hear me—and I opened the door slowly, slipping inside.

I frowned when I saw her; she was lying horizontal in her bed, her hands covering her face and her shoulders moving up and down at an uneven and broken pace, indicating that she was crying.

She was lying horizontal in her bed, her hands covering her face and her shoulders moving up and down at an uneven and broken pace. She was crying, hard. She still had no idea that I was here. I frowned and stepped forward.

“Aw, Alyssa,” I whispered sadly, making my way over to her. I knelt down beside her bed and rubbed her shoulder sympathetically. “What’s wrong, Lissy?” I asked quietly.

“Lis,” I muttered quietly. I knelt down beside her bed and hovered my arm over her shoulder. I bit my lip; I didn’t know if I should touch her or not. Her shoulders continued to shake. I tentatively touched my hand down, her skin was warm. “Alyssa,” I whispered.

“Hm? Vic?” she uncovered her face, revealing her swollen and bloodshot eyes. She looked at me in surprise, and it was clear that she didn’t hear me come in.

Her hands fell from her face and her eyes shot open. She stared at me in utter shock, but tears still consistently fell from her eyes. She sat up and leaned away from me, still in a state of surprise. I remained knelt at her side, my eyes wide too and I was frozen in my place. Her mouth opened and then closed.

“You’re here?” she asked quietly, her voice shaking. Her chest continued to contract; she was hardly breathing.

“What’s wrong, babe?” I repeated, continuing to rub her arm in comfort.

“’Lyssa, what’s wrong?” I asked quietly. Was it really my place to ask her that?

“N-Nothing,” she shook her head.

She shook her head. She pressed her palm into the center of her chest and took a few deep breaths. She shook her head again.

“Clearly it’s nothing,” I said lowly. I wiped a few stray tears away and sighed lightly. “You can tell me, it’s okay,” I said.

I tentatively reached my arm out, I didn’t know why or what I was intending to do, though. She flinched a little and furrowed her eyebrows. “Just talk to me,” I mumbled, dropping my hand so it was flat against her mattress. My bottom lip quivered and when I blinked, my eyes burned and tears bubbled out.

“N-No,” she said. “It’s dumb,” her voice wavered.

“Say something,” I whispered.

“It’s not dumb, Alyssa. If something is wrong, you need to tell me,” I said gently. Her mouth twitched as she appeared to resist a grimace, but then she seemed to snap, her features completely giving out as she broke down in heavy sobs.

She didn’t say anything. I blinked slowly. Her body shook again and she started to sob again, she buried her face into her hands. “Please stop crying,” I begged. I leaned up and set my knee on her bed, pulling myself up only a little so I could reach her without climbing completely into her bed. “I’m sorry,” I murmured. I opened my arms and just pulled her into me. She gripped my t-shirt tightly and buried her head into my neck. I felt her tears on my skin; I wanted to absorb everything she was feeling just so she didn’t have to suffer at all.

“It’s not you, Vic,” she whispered.

“Then what is it?” I asked gently. I went to pull away from her to look her in the eyes but she only gripped onto me tighter. I smoothed down the hair on the back of her head.

“Not you,” she whispered. “Not you.”

“Alyssa,” I whimpered. “Please.”

She pulled away and stared at me. She slacked her hands on my chest. Her bottom lip was still quivering. “Vic,” she muttered.

She wasn’t going to talk. I had no idea what she was upset about—this couldn't be all over me, could it? Then again, I did punch a wall twice. I always thought about how much Alyssa saved me, how much I needed her, but I forget that she needed me just as much. It was all mutual.

She shook her head and I leaned forward again, wrapping my arms around her. “Don’t cry,” I whispered. She nodded against my neck and clutched onto me desperately. “It hurts,” she mumbled. I furrowed my eyebrows.

I didn’t ask what hurt, though, because I knew exactly what she was talking about. I felt it too.

Notes

Ahhhhhh Alyssa Vic ahhh

idk lol

Lot's of stuff going on!!! What do you think? ;P

Thanks for reading as always! xx


ps i put in a gif of vic smiling because i love the way he smiles in it and i just had to share hahaha