I opened my eyes groggily. Everything was hazy and spinning. It reminded me of that time I accidently took two doses of my meds in one morning and had intense vertigo. I stayed still, laying where I was, so it didn't make me sick.

“Shit,” I muttered. I was still drunk. I tilted my head around, spotting a naked Kayla on my right, her face pressed into my bare shoulder. Oh no. I looked to my left. Nobody was there. I couldn’t remember anything from last night. I didn’t even remember leaving the party. I heard a door open and close and looked around more carefully. There was Jen, Kay’s roommate. Her hair was disheveled and she barely had her clothes on as she exited the bathroom.

She winked at me.

Oh no. With another smirk she left Kayla’s room. Kayla was still passed out next to me. Now all of a sudden I felt more sick than before. I peeled away from her and rolled off the bed, lazily stumbling to the bathroom. I puked a little into the sink. It wasn’t a lot, just bile. I hadn’t eaten much last night so all that came up was the alcohol I had consumed. I wobbled on the tile and grabbed the sink for support. There were three of me in the mirror. My hair was all over the place. My eyes were red and watery. I had scratches across my chest. I turned around and saw even worse scratches on my back. Some bubbled up with specks of blood.

Oh no.

I wobbled out of the bathroom, holding onto the wall for support. I found my pants and everything on the floor of her bedroom—she was still asleep, thank god. Tony’s car keys were in my pocket. Oh no. I looked around for my phone but it wasn’t anywhere in Kayla’s room. As quietly as I could I left the room. Jen wasn’t around luckily—I didn’t want to have to face her, either. I didn’t know where I had gone last night so I checked every place I could think of in Kayla’s apartment for my phone.

“Ah fuck it,” I grumbled. I knew I was still drunk but I had to get out of here. I had fucked up and this time there was no way I’d be forgiven. I walked carefully down the steps out of her complex, holding onto the rail so I didn’t fall. When I got outside, the sun wasn’t up too high in the sky so I knew it was early in the morning.

I scanned the lot for Tony’s car. Oh no. It was parked sideways across two spaces. There was a ticket on the windshield. I stuffed it into my pocket to deal with once I was sober.

I climbed into the driver’s side and spotted my phone. It was in the cupholder. I winced a little as I picked it up, seeing all of my notifications. Texts from Mike. Texts from Alyssa. Texts from Tony. Texts from Jaime. Calls from Mike. Voicemails from Mike. Calls from Alyssa, too. I didn’t bother reading any of them or listening to any of them. I knew what they would say. I was absolutely fucked.

I wasn’t really thinking when I started the car. I didn’t even put on my seatbelt. I just knew I had to get out of here. I drove with drunken paranoia, concentrating on not swerving and staying below the speed limit. The last thing I needed was a DUI right before we got started with the band again.

I hit the curb as I pulled into my driveway. I fell out of the car once I parked. I picked myself up, brushed off my pants, and made my way inside to face my doom.

When I got inside, everyone was there. Mike, Tony, Jaime, Alyssa.

The second I entered the house, all eyes were on me. I made eye contact with Mike first. Pure anger fired from his eyes. He was shaking with rage. I dropped the keys on the floor and kicked them to the side, as if that would hide the fact that I had just driven drunk. I did the only thing I could possibly think of doing in that moment: run.

I raced up stairs away from Mike. I had only made it up three steps before he grabbed the back of my shirt and pulled me back, sending me crashing onto the ground with such force that I threw up a little more.

“I have no fucking words for you, Vic,” Mike bellowed from above me.

“Er,” I bit my lip. I didn’t know what to say. I wiped my mouth with my sleeve.

“Stand the fuck up,” he demanded. I nervously pulled myself up, wobbling unsteadily and grabbing the wall for support. Mike seethed with anger and pushed me back against the wall.

“Mike don’t hurt him,” a tired sounding Alyssa said. Mike released me and ran his fingers through his hair. He took a deep breath.

“You stole Tony’s car last night. You drove drunk. We had no idea where you could have gone because you weren’t answering any texts or phone calls. And now here you are, still drunk…” Mike shook his head. “Where the fuck were you?”

I bit my lip guiltily. Of course the first person I looked at was Alyssa. She was still upset with me for what I did last week. I couldn’t imagine what this would do to her. My heart sunk when we made eye contact. I could visibly see her eyes empty a little as she realized where I had gone. Everyone knew my lack of answer was my answer.

I looked at Tony next. He looked angrier than I have ever seen him. It was scary. I backed up against the wall voluntarily this time in fear.

“I-I don’t remember anything,” I stammered. “I know I fucked up. I blacked out. That doesn’t excuse what I probably did but I d-don’t remember,” I rambled, shaking.

I started to feel even dizzier than before. I swallowed thickly and started to slide against the wall, farther away from everyone. Their stares were burning into my face. I felt like I was on fire.

Oh no.

I couldn’t stop it this time. I fell backwards, into something that I’ve dreaded returning for years. I never actually thought it could happen again.

But it was happening, and I was stuck in it. I looked at all of the people around me with fear and paranoia. Their eyes were black. I felt a hand around my throat. I saw the words whisper out of their mouths, like black smoke. It clouded my eyes but I was too afraid and frozen to shut them. I let them burn. They wrapped around my arms and legs. They scratched my skin. They were inside of me, clawing from the inside out. They screamed in my ear, telling me that I’ve fucked up for good, that I should kill myself, that nobody wanted me here, that I wasn’t important, that I should kill myself. That I should kill myself.

“Remember what you did to me?” Mike snapped. His head hung low. He had blood spread across his forehead. His arms twisted in weird ways.

“Why do you keep hurting me? Now I want to hurt you,” Alyssa said. She was wearing shorts and a t-shirt. She had red lines on her arms and legs. Blood dripped down her knees and fingertips. She held a knife in her hand. It had blood on the edge.

“I wish you had killed yourself successfully in high school. I wish we had never met. All you’ve done is made my life even worse,” Tony shouted.

“S-Stop,” I hissed, blinking numerous times.

“Vic, I’m sorry—Shit, what’s going on?” Mike asked. He looked at me straight on. He reached out for me carefully. But then all of a sudden he was wearing torn and water drenched clothes and his own blood all over his face. “Look what you did.”

“Mike, back off,” I heard Alyssa mutter, pulling a now normal looking Mike back. I stared at them in confusion.

What was real?

“Vic,” Alyssa said carefully. She stepped towards me warily. I looked at her arms and legs. They were clean. “Give me you hand, it’s okay,” she said. Trying to comfort me after I had hurt her?

And then suddenly she had my hand. Her arm was bleeding again. The knife was between my fingers. She held her hand over my knuckles and helped me drag the knife across her own arm. “See how you’re hurting me?”

“No!” I shouted, recoiling backwards. I looked at my hands. Her blood stained them. I looked back at her. She had her eyebrows furrowed and shock worn in on her face. No blood. I looked down at my hands again. No blood. I blinked and it was there again. Heavy, dripping down onto the ground.

“Stop this,” I cried, holding my hands at my head I dug my nails into my scalp and pulled my hair. It felt real. I looked at everyone around me while I yanked at my hair. They all looked normal—no blood, no black eyes, no evil smoky words. The second I stopped pulling my hair—after they urged me to stop doing that—they returned to the haunting bloody pasts.

“Vic, please stop pulling your hair!” Alyssa cried.

“I c-can’t,” I gasped.

“Please,” she begged. I relieved the hold I had on my hair because she looked so upset and I wanted to try and follow directions. The second I did, though, her skin paled. Blood was everywhere. “You’re killing me just like you killed her,” she growled. I gasped and instantly felt even more nauseous, following Alyssa’s bloody finger that was pointing another direction. There she was—Bree—her eyes open but lacking pupils, bile dripping down the side of her face out of the corner of her mouth. Her hair was matted with blood. I continued my lost stare past Bree, and there he was. Again. Logan, hanging from the ceiling, bloody, a snapped neck.

“NO!” I cried, raising my hands to my hair again. I yanked hard, and all of the horrible images went away. I breathed hard, looking at my friends and family frantically. “Help me,” I whimpered.

“Vic, please, please stop,” Alyssa begged, crying hysterically with her hands over her mouth in horror. I couldn’t let go of my hair. I could feel the roots starting to give in to the pull. Everything was sharper and clearer and realer. I couldn’t let go.

“I can’t. I don’t want to see that anymore,” I gasped. “Please, don’t make me let go,” I cried. “I can’t see that.”

“Someone grab his arms,” I heard.

“No! Please, oh god, no,” I begged hysterically, backing away from everyone. They got me anyway. As soon as they pried my fingers out of my hair, their hands suddenly felt like claws. Everything was red and black. I screamed and thrashed around. I couldn’t see this again. This couldn’t be happening again. I knew what I had to do to make it go away. I had to hurt myself somehow to see what was real.

It was hard to concentrate on hurting myself with all of the black smoke and words screeching in my ears. Somehow I managed to elbow whoever was holding me in the rib cage, allowing me to slip out. I couldn’t really see anything. I found a wall. I leaned back and then jammed my head forward.

“Fuck,” I spat after I cracked my head on the wall. I fell to the ground dizzily. Everything was quiet now. Just a slight buzzing sound rang in my ears. I could see everyone in what I hoped was their real form again. I smiled in relief. Alyssa and Mike raced to my side and picked me up. She held her palm on my forehead. I panicked when I saw blood on her hand but then I realized that it probably wasn’t hers this time.

They dragged me across the room. I let them because now I didn’t see horrible things. The pain in my head made me see what was real. I was afraid that it was starting to not hurt and that I’d need to do it again soon before they images came back.

My body started to tingle. Everything started to change. “No,” I gasped. I clenched my eyes shut, but it didn’t make a difference. I could still see it all as if my eyes were open. I felt them yank me up and lay me down on something. I tried to wriggle out of their grasp but something tightened on my wrists and ankles and midsection. I was trapped. I turned my wrists and started to move them against the straps, in an attempt to hurt myself so I didn’t have to see.

The last thing I saw after I felt a prick in my arm was everyone I loved covered in blood, screaming at me, reminding me of everything I’ve done to fuck things up, encouraging me to die.

Notes

I've written a lot for this story recently for some reason (probably because my subconscious knows that I have to start studying for finals lol) so yay.
Gettin' a lil wild here