Change The World

I gasped when I woke up. I pressed the heel of my palm into my chest to catch my breath. “What happened?” I managed to gurgle out to nobody in particular. I checked out my surroundings. I was in a bed… white sheets, an eerily familiar sterile smell. “No way,” I breathed. I looked at my arm, seeing a needle in it. I immediately ripped it out.

“They had to sedate you, Vic… y-you wouldn’t stop,” I heard her cry. I looked at Alyssa. Her eyes were extremely puffy and tears were still coming out. She had her hand over her mouth again. She was still crying hysterically, shaking her head and sobbing.

I lazily turned my head and saw Tony and my brother. “I couldn’t get out of it. It hurt so much. I needed to see that it wasn’t real. Is this real?” I asked, looking around frantically at everyone.

“Yes, baby, this is real,” Alyssa said quietly. Her hand was on my hand. I could feel it. I didn’t want to look at it because I was afraid that I would see blood again.

“Wh-what did I do?” I asked. I couldn’t separate the events from last night or this morning. I couldn’t figure out what was real.

There was a pause before anyone answered. Maybe they were trying to figure out how to tell me all of the bad things I had done while intoxicated. “I’m sorry, I got too drunk,” I whispered.

“No, you didn’t Vic,” Alyssa said. I looked at her and her eyes were furrowed.

“What is real?” I whined, turning my head and pressing my face into the pillow. I breathed heavily. Flashes of last night pierced into my brain. I clenched my fists into the sheets. My brain was on the fritz again. I couldn’t take it.

“Tell me what I did,” I begged.

“Vic, look at me,” Mike said. I took a deep breath and turned my head to look at my brother. He looked normal. No blood. “You didn’t do anything,” he assured.

“But it’s all in my head,” I breathed. “I know I fucked up, tell me what I did!”

He shook his head. “We had the party. You weren’t feeling well all day so you decided not to drink.”

“I didn’t drink? But I drove drunk. You were so mad.”

“No, Vic,” he whispered, shaking his head again with his eyes closed.

“It was a small party. Just all of us, Alyssa, the crew, my girlfriend—”

“But I remember, you were all so mad at me, I—”

“It wasn’t real, Vic,” Mike said, exasperated. “You had to sleep it off, so you went to bed. You had nightmares in the middle of the night. I yelled at you to try and wake you up, but I was never mad at you, Vic. You didn’t do anything.”

“I-I didn’t?” It was all in my head.

“You wouldn’t wake up for a while,” Mike said weakly, wiping his eye with the back of his hand. “And then when you did y-you wouldn’t stop… it was really bad, Vic. I’m so sorry this happened.”

Realization sunk into my bones. I shakily lifted my right hand to wipe my eyes. I had a bandage wrapped around my wrist. I winced as I remembered struggling against the constraints. I ran my hand down my face in distress. “It was s-so horrible,” I said. “I’m so sorry. All of the things I’ve done to you guys… I’m so, so sorry.”

“Shh, Vic, please try and relax,” Alyssa said softly, rubbing my shoulder. She leaned over and kissed my cheek. I turned my head to look at her.

“I’m so sorry,” I breathed. She shook her head, forcing a small smile, and gently caressed my cheek.

“Don’t be sorry, Vic. It’s not your fault.”

“P-Please tell me that this is because I missed too many doses. Please tell me I don’t have to start over,” I whispered.

Alyssa sniffled and nodded to my brother. I looked over at him for an answer. “You’ve just been really unsteady recently, Vic. They say that it happens from time to time. You should be okay, now. I counted your meds. You missed three,” he explained. I breathed a sigh of relief.

I couldn’t remember skipping my meds on purpose. The thought disturbed me. I was waiting for them to get angry with me for doing this but it never happened.

“I’m so sorry Vic. We just all got too comfortable. We have to do better, to make sure you don’t miss any doses,” Mike said quietly. “We gotta stop acting like it’s not there when it is,” he added.

He was right. I was too caught up trying to live normally that I forgot that I still had a sickness in my head. The reality of the situation made my stomach churn. I acted as if keeping my diagnosis secret from Kayla all of this time wasn’t as bad as it truly was. I shook my head. This was a slap in the face that I definitely deserved.

“What do I do?” I asked hoarsely.

“Um,” Mike started. I looked at him quizzically.

“It’s okay, Mike,” I heard Alyssa say. I turned my head to her. She gently held her hand on my cheek. “Vic, please don’t get upset. I promise it’ll be different this time. They want to hold you in the psych ward for evaluation for the rest of the weekend, just to make sure you adjust to your medication again and that you’re okay,” she explained.

My heart sunk and my face twisted. “No…” I breathed. “This can’t happen again.”

“It’s okay, Vic, really. It won’t be like any of those other times. It’s just to help you and get you back on track,” she eased.

“But this will come out. People will hear about it. Fans will figure it out. You know how they are. They always manage to dig stuff up. It’ll ruin the band,” I started to panic.

“Vic,” Tony started. I looked up at him anxiously. “What’s important here is that you stay healthy. I know this might feel like a setback but knowing you, you won’t let it affect the band. But it’s okay, if you need to take a break, we understand. And if fans find out, you know they love you and would support you fully. We all support you. We all just want to see you okay again,” he said. I smiled a little. After a solid month of not having the best relationship with Tony, it was nice to hear that he supported me and cared about me still, no matter what I did to fuck other things up. It just sucked that it took this situation to see it.

It felt good to have my friend—my first real friend ever—back. Of course he was there the whole time but sometimes when you had a clouded head and too much external shit going on it was hard to really see.

“Thanks Tony,” I said quietly, my voice tight. I lifted my hand again and swiped my eyes. “I’m sorry if I… if I hurt any of you…” I said lowly, shaking my head. I could only imagine what I looked like to them: crazed in the eye, psychotic, terrified, unresponsive, violent. It was the most violent I had ever been—it was probably the worst episode that I have ever had.

“You don’t have to apologize for anything, Vic,” Alyssa said softly. I looked at her worriedly. I finally had the courage to look at her hand, which was now resting on my shoulder. There wasn’t any blood. I drew in a sigh of relief. I lifted my arm up and backwards to touch her hand. Our fingers slowly intertwined. I sighed in relief again. “How’s the head?” she asked.

I subconsciously touched my forehead with my free hand. I felt a bandage at my hairline. “Ow,” I hissed. I vaguely remembered hitting my head against the wall.

“It needed a few stitches, careful,” she said quietly. I stopped touching it and dropped my hand. My cheeks heated. I heard her mumble that it was okay. She gently gave my hand a squeeze.

“Are you going to tell your mom?” I asked, looking worriedly at Tony and Alyssa. I knew she would want to know. “I don’t want her to get upset and worked up.”

“We’ll keep it as low key as you want,” Mike said, patting my shoulder. “Don’t worry about it,” he said.

But I was worried. The rest of the morning continued with me coming up with new things to worry about. I could feel myself starting to freak out again. I internalized it as best I could, telling myself that the shadows creeping under the door and the tree branch tapping on the window were just those things: shadows and tree branches. I had to try my hardest not to flinch away from my family. As time dragged on, they started to look less and less like my loved ones and more and more like strangers.

“I don't want to forget you all,” I whispered. Because I knew it could happen again. My second mental hospital trip had made me forget Alyssa. I was catatonic back then. If I didn’t get back on track with medication soon I felt like I was going to turn into a vegetable.

I had ripped a hole straight through my shirt during my episode last night. Mike went home to get me fresh clothes. My heart sunk when he returned with a small bag for me. It made it more real that I was about to spend a few days in the psych ward.

Alyssa stayed with me as they made arrangements to move me across the hospital. I was happy that she was here with me because I didn’t get to be with her as much since my last slip up with Kayla. But I was also worried because I didn’t want her to feel obligated to be here. She was probably still mad at me for what I did last week. I loved her company but I didn’t want her to be with me only because I was getting bad again. Or maybe me getting bad again made her realize that holding a grudge, while she definitely had a right to that, wasn’t worth it. It made me realize that I needed to hold on to these people as tightly as possibly just in case my brain tried to make me slip away. I didn't have the time or energy to deal with people like Kayla. These people—Mike, Tony, Alyssa, Jaime—were the important ones. I had to keep that in my head to keep me grounded. To keep me in reality.

I wasn’t allowed to go home or outside. I wasn’t allowed to leave the room they put me in after I cracked my own head open. I wasn’t allowed to be by myself, not that I wanted to be. But a nurse had to be in the room at all times. I had had another minor freak out apparently so they had to put me to sleep again. I was embarrassed and barely grasping my control.

I felt silly as they escorted me to the psych part of the hospital. I kept my head down the entire time. Alyssa held onto my hand. The other three guys lingered behind. I might have been imagining it but Mike seemed wary in general. Maybe he was thinking about the last time I was in a psych hospital. He had visited me every day. I probably wouldn’t have made it out of that one as successfully if it wasn’t for his persistence and care.

I started to feel out of breath even though we were just sitting there filling out paper work. The guy at the front desk looked at me cautiously so I kept my head down for the most part. Alyssa had her hand on my leg supportively. Mike sat on my left. Tony was across from us. He looked at me with a lot less anger than I’ve seen in a while. His eyes were a softer brown than I remember. I didn’t want to look at them for too long because I could almost see him thinking about the last time we were in a hospital together. I kept my head down and my hair in front of my face. Alyssa patted my leg.

I felt tired. Some of the drugs must have still been swirling in my system. I tilted my head back and rested it on Alyssa’s shoulder. “I don’t want to go in there,” I breathed.

“It won’t be that bad,” Alyssa had to keep repeating. “You just need to be stabilized. You’ll be safe in there,” she eased.

I nodded. “Something always goes wrong,” I said quietly.

Alyssa turned to me and wrapped her arms around my neck. “You’re stronger than you think, Vic. You won’t let anything happen. Just do what they tell you and take advantage of the resources in there, get back on track, maybe do some writing, and you’ll be okay.” She leaned forward and kissed my cheek. “And call us whenever you get the chance,” she added.

I nodded and leaned forward to hug her. I held her tiredly. “It’s only a few days,” she murmured.

I sat up and took a deep breath. It was time for me to go. I had to keep reminding myself that this was going to be good for me. I was unraveling and needed a little help putting myself back together again, which was okay.

I hugged everyone goodbye before they led me back into the ward. “You seem very calm,” the nurse said. “No offense, of course,” he said with a friendly smile.

I smiled a little back and nodded. “It’s really mild…” I said lowly. I was lucky. I could have it a lot worse. I could be so, so, so much worse.

I could have it horribly. I had to keep reminding myself that I wasn’t as crazy as my diagnosis sounded. When we walked through the door to the ward, I glanced behind me once. They were all bloody and disfigured, screeching and shouting. I shook my head and they were back to their normal selves again, waving ‘see you later’ to me, smiling.

It could be a lot worse.

Notes