Change The World

“I fucked up, Alyssa,” I said glumly. I looked at her unsurely.

“Um,” she started. Her hands fidgeted on the table. “What happened?” she blinked a few times.

I sighed. “I’m sorry, I’ve ruined our first date,” I muttered, shaking my head. Now wasn’t the time to tell her. But I also couldn’t hold it in any longer. I felt horrible.

“We can just count prom as our first date, if that makes you feel better,” she smiled a little. Her features were soft and innocent. She didn’t look too concerned yet. She just looked like she was trying to make me feel better. I didn’t deserve that.

“Wanna go?” I asked, nodding to the door.

“Sure,” she breathed. I quickly paid the bill and we left the restaurant together. I wanted to hold her hand but I knew I didn’t deserve to do that. I couldn’t bear to touch her. I wanted to, but I’d only hurt her more if I did.

“Vic, what’s going on?” she asked nervously once we were back in the car. I sat in the driver’s side and turned in the seat to face her. It was like that last time so many years ago, when I parked at her house and turned to her to apologize for snapping. But this time I was telling her what I did, and I wasn’t expecting her to forgive me.

I started to tear up a bit. I had ruined our relationship. All possibilities of our future seemed unreachable, now. I had told Kayla earlier that I belonged to Alyssa. I knew that wouldn’t be true for long. She wouldn’t want me again after this.

“…Vic…”

“I’m so sorry, Alyssa. I shouldn’t have waited until now to tell you… I really, really messed up…”

She furrowed her eyebrows. “Just tell me what you did, Vic.” She held the same determination as last time.

“Don’t fucking rip your hand out of mind,” she had said back then. I was afraid that I was doing the same thing again.

“Kayla’s didn’t go well…” I started. She looked even more confused. I looked her straight in the eye, my face distraught. “We, um,” I gulped. “We, uh, well, um, I let it happen…” I trailed off and winced at my inability to straight up tell her that I hooked up with Kayla again.

Alyssa’s body deflated a little. She sighed. “Okay,” was all she said. She took a deep breath. “Um,” she swallowed. “Please, let’s just go back?”

I nodded, blinking and turning straight. My eyes burned.

The drive back was completely silent. I kept my eyes on the road the entire time. Alyssa did the same. It was like that time I picked her up from school, she had her prom papers picked up, and I snapped at her when she asked me why my hands were shaking. The rest of our ride back to her house was tense, Alyssa sitting with her hands folded in her lap, staring out the front window shield with an indistinguishable look on her face.

I had hurt her back then. I was too sad for my own good. I was snappy, short-tempered, unwilling to be helped. Now, we sat in the car like that again. I had hurt her again. I wasn’t sad anymore but I was still messing things up.

“Your house?” I asked when we got back to our local area. I glanced at her and she nodded. She still stared out the front window.

When we got there, I expected her to race out of the car and into her house. I idled in the driveway, though. Both of us stayed where we were. I turned to face her again. “’Lyssa,” I mumbled. “I’m so sorry,” I said quietly. I didn’t know what else to say. I didn’t know how to make it right. I had poisoned everything.

“I know you are,” she whispered. “But…” she shook her head. She looked more disappointed with me than anything. She turned to face me directly. Her eyes were watering. “Why are you always finding ways to push me away?” her voice cracked. She wiped her eyes with her hand and started to get out of the car. I couldn’t find my voice to say anything back. I didn’t think she wanted me to follow her, though.

I groaned, resting my head on the steering wheel for a few minutes, just sitting there. I pulled out my phone and decided to text Tony. “Hey are you home? I messed up again, man… please just make sure Alyssa’s not alone/that she’s okay,” I typed.

I immediately got a reply. “What the hell did you do? Why is she crying? Come inside.”

“No, I don’t want to fight in your house.”

“Mom is at the doctor’s with Jaime. Get in here.”

I gulped. I deserved whatever I was about to get. I couldn’t be a coward. I turned off my car and anxiously walked into the house.

He had me against the wall the second I walked in. He spoke lowly. “She fucking needs you. I was letting you guys hang out again because I knew she needed you. I was hoping you wouldn’t make me regret it. But you did. What the fuck, Vic?”

“I know,” I breathed. “I have no excuses. I don’t know what to do.”

“I just can’t believe you right now,” he said, shaking his head and backing away from me. “You’re so selfish.”

“I know.”

He waved his arm angrily towards the stairs. “Well go fucking talk to her.”

“I don’t think she wants to talk to me—”

“Just go. Fix it. I don’t know how you will, but your shit is the last thing she needs on her plate. So make it better.”

“It’s not that easy…”

“I don’t give a fuck. My sister is not going to cry over you anymore, Fuentes,” he growled. I knew Tony was angry because he never called me by my last name.

My heart sunk at the implications of his words. I no longer had Tony’s blessing to be with his sister—not that I deserved it. Relationships were crumbling all around me and I was beginning to feel crushed by the weight of all the debris.

“And if this starts to affect the new album, and the next tour…” he inhaled sharply and shook his head. “Don’t throw it all away.” I nodded, my eyes wide at Tony.

I didn’t want to throw the band off track. But I also never wanted to throw away what Alyssa and I had. These were things that I knew I should be able to control—it looked like I was beginning to lose it again.

I walked up the stairs to Alyssa’s room. Like that time she drove off when she saw me and Bree kiss, I entered her room out of breath to see her just sitting at the edge of her bed, her head down.

“Alyssa,” I said lowly, stepping a little closer. Not too close, though.

She lifted her head. Her eyes were a little red but she wasn’t crying anymore. “I can’t trust you anymore, Vic…” she shook her head. “You have other things in your life now.”

“Alyssa,” I breathed. I knelt down in front of her. “You’re so important to me. I know it looks bad but—”

“No, Vic. We used to work because we were all each other had to get through the day. You have other things in your life now.”

“I fucked up so bad, Alyssa. I know. I’m so, so, so sorry.”

“I don’t understand how can you accidently do that—”

I shook my head. “It wasn’t an accident. I wasn’t planning on it happening… you have to believe that. But I’m impulsive. She’s manipulative. I’m so easily swayed. It’s my fault, completely. I-I don’t know what else to say,” I said. Her bottom lip trembled.

“I just wish that never happened, Vic. I can’t look at you the same,” she whined sadly, looking at me. I could hear the frustration and sadness in her voice. It broke my heart. Her eyes watered.

“I know,” I said thickly.

“But I want to,” she sniffed. “I don’t want this to be the end of us. I know you’re not malicious, Vic. I know you’re not a cheater. When I look at you, I see us when we were younger. I adored you so much. Fuck, I miss it. It’s not the same anymore. Now there’s something else there that is different, and it hurts to see…”

“I’m so sorry,” I whispered, ducking my head.

I felt her hands grab my head, forcing me too look up at her. Her hands were shaking. She held my cheeks carefully. Tears dripped down her face. “Why did you have to do that?” she cried.

Tears started to fall from my eyes, too. “I don’t know, I don’t know,” my voice cracked. “I guess I’m not who I used to be back then…” I added quietly. Kayla was a bad habit that I wasn’t able to break completely.

“This morning, we were both so happy with how things were. I didn’t feel horrible nostalgia even though things felt like they used to… but now it hurts to look at you because—” she stopped herself and closed her eyes. She took a deep breath before reopening them. “Did you even think of me?” I opened my mouth but she started again. “I don’t know what would be worse. If you thought of me while… while…” she shook her head. “…or if you just forgot about me… I don’t want to know.”

My face twisted, distraught. “I got clouded,” I said. “I’m not making up excuses. I know it was bad and I take responsibility for it… but I got clouded again,” I said. I wiped my eyes hastily as more tears dripped out.

“You’re struggling in your head again, Vic, I can see it,” she whispered, caressing my head. She was being so gentle and sweet. “I’m upset… it hurts to imagine you being with someone else. You should know that by now, Vic. It hurts me the most when I see the man I’m in love with being into other girls. I feel sick.”

I nodded, letting her words soak in. This always happened with us. She liked me while I was with Bree. I let it happen back then, too. She had to witness me in a relationship with Kayla, too. And now she had to deal with me going off to Kayla again when I had her convinced that we were finished.

“You’re so sweet with me. Imagining you like that with someone else, with her,” she shook her head.

I bit my lip. “It wasn’t like that,” I said carefully. Alyssa cringed a little and shook her head again.

“I don’t want to know,” she said again. “I just… I need to know if that is going to happen again… and if you actually want this,” she gestured between us.

“No more Kayla. It’s over,” I assured. I hoped she’d believe me. “And I want to start again,” I said quietly. “But I want to know what you want.”

Her face twisted a little. She held her hand on my cheek. I closed my eyes at the contact. I wished she would just hit me instead. “You’re always my person, Vic,” she said. “I can't just let that go.” I nodded. I sighed and ducked my head again, resting my forehead on her knees. Giving into her completely. I didn’t know what else to do.

“Me neither,” I whispered into her legs.

“Um, but thanks for telling me,” she said. I looked up at her and sat up. “That at least means you care.”

I nodded and gulped. I’d be guilty about this for a long time. I couldn’t take back what I did. “I care,” I whispered. “I don’t want to lose you,” I stammered. I stood up so I was at her level. I carefully lifted my hands, slowly placing them on the sides of her head. I waited to see if she made me move them. She didn’t. I brushed my thumbs across both of her cheekbones.

“We’ll be okay,” she whispered hoarsely. “I just need time.” I nodded, understanding. “I need to deal with myself, too.”

“I’m so sorry I did this to you when you had… when you had that to deal with… I’m so sorry, Alyssa. I want you to be okay,” I said.

She smiled a little bit. “I’ll be okay. I need professional help to deal with it anyway. Just you by yourself isn’t going to make it go away, no offense. You don’t need to burden yourself with that.”

“I want to be there for you, though,” I said. I’d carry the weight of the world for this girl.

“I know you do. You are. But it’s like back when we were teenagers… you had me but it wasn’t enough. You needed outside help. I guess this is letting me get that…”

I bit my lip, shaking the memories out of my head. “I never want to hurt you again,” I whispered, resting my forehead against hers.

“Time,” she breathed out. I sniffed and nodded. We both had to get our heads back in check. I just wished I were able to keep myself together, because this time Alyssa needed me to be okay. I felt horrible that every time she went through something, my issues and doings affected her progress. Like when she was in a bad place, hurting herself again, I could only focus on her for a little bit before something in my life—Bree’s death—spilled over into hers and we had to deal with that.

I knew I wasn’t an easy character to deal with. Even at my healthiest, I was difficult. I was stubborn. I felt like I was a burden to everyone around me. It was something that had pushed me to the final edge back then, but I knew I couldn’t let it get to that point again. I had checks and balances now, regular therapy sessions, to keep myself from thinking too down on myself, to keep myself from returning to that place. I had to keep reminding myself that life happened—shit happened. I had to keep reminding myself that everyone had to learn to take care of themselves before relying on another person. I had to keep reminding myself that what went on in my head wasn’t my fault, and that didn’t mean I couldn’t be there for my friends and family if they were going through something, too. It wasn’t a competition.

I took a deep breath. It wasn’t a competition.

“Keep me updated on everything, yeah?” I asked, my rationalizing thoughts somehow leaving me breathless.

“You too, Vic,” she said. I brushed my thumbs across her cheeks again. I lifted my head and planted a prolonged kiss on her forehead. I couldn’t kiss her lips, now. I couldn’t imagine that she’d want me too.

I dropped my hand from her face and found one of hers, holding it carefully. Our fingers intertwined. “I won’t let you go,” I whispered. She nodded and closed her eyes. She leaned up and wrapped her arms around my neck. I hugged her back, brushing my hand once through her hair after she let it go and then wrapping my arms completely around her, holding her close. “I love you,” I mumbled into her shoulder. I felt her nod again.

She didn’t say it back, or at least I didn't hear her if she did. I didn’t expect her to say it today, or even tomorrow. Time.

Notes

i have like 6 chapters written so yay updates