Change The World

I woke up sort of in a daze. I flashbacked to those times when all we would do was sleep, because life was so damn hard back then sometimes you just had to escape it for a bit and simply hold on to something—hold on to each other. But I knew I couldn’t get sucked back into that. I had responsibilities to face, responsibilities that I cared about because unlike back then I actually cared about my future and not wasting it away. I smiled a little at the thought.

“Hi,” Alyssa said quietly. My eyes focused on hers, her brown eyes swirling contently. I lifted my hand and placed my palm on her cheek, leaning forward and carefully kissing her lips. She kissed back.

“Hey,” I grinned, pulling away. I yawned a little and sat up, untangling myself from her. She did the same, brushing back her wild hair. We sat with our legs crossed facing each other. I reached out and grabbed her hands, holding them delicately in my own between us. “Did you sleep okay?” I asked. We had fallen asleep together right as the Finding Nemo credits rolled in—but we didn’t even watch the movie, really. We had just kind of laid together and talked the entire time.

She nodded sleepily. “No nightmares,” she smiled.

I smiled back and leaned forward, kissing her again. “That’s good, babe,” I said.

She sighed a little, her smiling remaining. She reached up and touched the side of my face. “It feels like the same again,” she said quietly.

I nodded, telling her that I knew, that I agreed. It hurt a little to think about—that so much time has passed but here we were again, as if nothing had happened. The gap in our brains of the time we missed together cut deep, but there was no worth in dwelling. I smiled reassuringly though.

“What’s up today? Got anything planned?” I asked. She shrugged her shoulders.

“Not really… I don’t really have anything to do anymore, no real obligations besides mom for now…” she said, her mouth twisting into a small frown. She sighed and quickly opened her mouth against as if to keep me from saying something in response to that. “How about you?” she asked, forcing a smile. I could tell she didn’t want to talk seriously—to be honest we have been doing a lot of that recently so I didn’t want to either—so I let it be.

“Nothing really for me either. I don’t have to do any band stuff anytime soon, no meetings or interviews this week… oh except I have to call our producer sometime to plan out the recording schedule…” I trailed off, thinking about all of what we had to do in the future. I was excited to be working with the same guy we worked with last album—Dan Korneff. He was really awesome to coordinate with and I knew that with his help this next album will someone be able to top Collide with the Sky.

My mind wandering, I picked up my phone from my side table, scrolling through it to see if I had any important emails.

“Aw, you guys really have made it. It’s so cool hearing you talk about the band with everything established, like you’re not wondering if it’ll work out at all because it already has. I just love that it’s so real for you guys now,” she said, grinning. I looked up at her and smiled back.

“It really all works out eventually, doesn’t it?” I asked quietly, rhetorically. She smiled back and I leaned forward to kiss her cheek. I couldn’t get enough of her. Of us. Then I went back to my phone, doing my usual morning scrolls through messages and emails and social networks.

I groaned when I saw I had a text from Kayla. “What’s wrong?” Alyssa asked. I bit my lip.

“Kayla texted me.” I miss you, it read.

“I think you should talk to her, for closure and stuff,” Alyssa said, surprising me with the suggestion.

“I don’t want to talk to her,” I frowned.

“Don’t be stubborn Vic,” Alyssa laughed a little. “You dated her for over a year and a half,” she reminded me. “You loved her,” she added quietly.

“You’re so rational Alyssa, I wish more people were like you,” I said, leaning into her. I rested my head on her shoulder and sighed. “And yeah I guess I did. But it was a different kind of love. Remember how fast I fell in love with you Lissy?” I tilted my head up so I could see her face. She turned and looked at me. Our faces were centimeters apart. She smiled and nodded. “It wasn’t like that with me and Kayla,” I said.

“You don’t have to explain anything to me,” she said softly. She reached up and gently touched my cheek with her palm. I nodded, not breaking eye contact with her. She leaned down and our lips touched. I felt my heart flip. Alyssa was all I ever wanted.

“Okay,” I said. We separated a little and I went back to my phone, biting my lip. I didn’t know what to say to Kayla—I didn’t miss her. I may have hurt her but she hurt me even more and I couldn’t just forget that.

“I don’t know what to tell you, Kay,” I typed, shaking my head as I sent it.

“I want to apologize. Can we just meet up and talk in person? No fighting?” she replied quickly. I sighed lightly. I guess it was time that I started to deal with problems instead of avoid them.

“I’ll go talk to her later, I guess,” I frowned. I texted her back quickly, telling her I’ll go to her in a few hours. “Can I take you out on a date tonight?” I asked, turning back to Alyssa.

“A date?”

“Yes, a date,” I grinned.

“I’d love to go on a date with you,” she smiled. “I think it’d be our first real date ever,” she laughed.

“You’re probably right,” I agreed. “Prom doesn’t count?”

“Hm, it might, I don’t know,” she said thoughtfully. “I guess it counts a little,” she said.

“Well it was the best date ever,” I said, smiling at her nostalgically. But for the first time in a while, the nostalgia didn’t hurt. It was a happy feeling twirling in my chest.

She smiled widely. Her eyes repeated the action. It was genuine. “I agree.”

----

“So how are things going?” Mike asked over the phone. He was still out of town and I was currently driving to Kayla’s apartment. I wanted to meet in a more public place to avoid a fight, but she insisted on me coming over. Stubborn as always, and me not caring enough, she gave me no choice but to agree.

“They’re okay,” I said. “I’m on my way to Kayla’s right now. She wants to talk. Apologize I guess. I don’t know.” I sighed.

“Oh, okay. I guess that’s good. Just be careful,” he warned.

“Yeah, yeah, I know,” I said.

“How’s ‘Lyssa?” he asked.

“She’s good,” I smiled. “She seems really good, at least,” I added.

“That’s good to hear,” he said.

“How’s your ladyfriend?” I teased.

“Oh, she’s wonderful,” he said with a sly tone.

“When can I know her name?” I asked with a laugh.

“Next weekend, actually. She’s coming over. We’re going to have a party at our house if that’s cool with you,” he said.

“Ah sweet I can’t wait! Yeah that could be fun actually. It’s been awhile,” I said.

“Hell yeah!”

I laughed. “Cool. Okay. Well I gotta go. Wish me luck. I’ll need it.”

“Good luck, brotha.”

I hung up the phone with Mike just as I pulled into Kayla’s apartment complex lot. I sighed, killing the engine and reluctantly exiting the car. I buzzed into the building—Kayla sounding a little too peppy over the intercom for me to handle—and walked slowly up the stairs to her door.

I knocked lazily. “Hi,” she said when it opened. I smiled weakly.

“Hey, Kay,” I said. She gestured me to come in and I sighed as I walked in. Her cat meowed at me and purred against my leg, which at least made my smile.

“Um, how’ve ya been?” she asked awkwardly.

“Okay. You?”

She shrugged her shoulders, wearing a sad facial expression. I didn’t want to feel bad for her but I was afraid Kayla was good at persuading me to feel certain things in her company.

“I’m so sorry, Vic,” she said, sniffling. She sat down on her living room couch. I followed her, sitting on the other end but turned to face her. “I was really horrible, I know that. I shouldn’t’ve been so hard on you…” she bit her lip.

I sighed. “I’ve gotten passed it, Kay. You should too,” I said.

“I’m not over it, though, Vic. I’m not over you.”

“I really don’t know what you want me to say,” I said, running my fingers through my hair. “I’m not trying to avoid the problem, I just have no idea what you want from me now.”

“I just want you back, Vic,” she said. Her eyes started to water.

“Kayla, I know I fucked up by keeping all of my shit a secret, but I can’t just forget your reaction. And I can’t just say ‘okay’ because you changed your mind on your opinion of me. That’s not really fair.”

“I know. I shouldn’t have reacted that way. I’m really sorry.”

“Are you, though? Or are you just sorry because I don’t want you back after that?” I couldn’t help but snap a little.

“I deserved that,” she mumbled with a small sigh. “Is there anything I can do to make it right?” she asked, tilting her head to the side with a small frown.

“Kay, last time we talked in person you called Alyssa a stupid bitch and me a selfish asshole. You know she’s important to me, why would you say that? I’ve never seen that side of you Kayla, the nasty side. You’re not the girl I thought you were.”

“Well you’re not exactly the guy I thought you were, either.”

“Well let’s just face it now then. We’re both not changing,” I said, heaving another sigh.

She frowned. “But we can. I can deal with it now. I’m sorry for saying those things. It was heat of the moment. Just-just tell me how to help you, so we can be together again. So I know how to deal with you if something happens. I want to be yours,” she rambled desperately.

“Just let me go, Kayla.”

“I can’t.”

I started to stand up. “I’m sorry, then, Kayla.” I didn’t have anything else to say.

“No, please don’t leave. Please don’t leave yet,” she said, yanking on my hand.

“Kayla!” I huffed as she pulled me down close next to her. She held my arm tightly. “Honestly?” I rolled my eyes.

“Please don’t leave,” she whimpered, tears bubbling out of her eyes. She eased her grip on my arm but wrapped her arm through it, holding me close. I scrunched up my face and tried to shrug her off. “Please,” she murmured. She lifted her hand up and touched the side of my face carefully. “I still love you.”

I shook my head. She dropped her hand. It remained resting on my knee. “I can’t say the same,” I said quietly.

I closed my eyes. Memories started to hit me hard. Although Kayla was a lot more aggressive about it, it was like the Bree and Alyssa situation, when Bree came back and I had to decide between them. Bree had been a part of my past, someone who came into my life during a time I now wished to forget. Alyssa had been my future back then.

But now, things were different. Alyssa was my past, and relative to this present time of my life she had also come into my life during a time I wished to forget. A few months ago I might’ve said that Kayla was my future.

I couldn’t have been more wrong.

Alyssa was my past. A very important part of my past. It was different than what I had with Bree—maybe because me and Alyssa were truly meant to be together. But Alyssa was now also my present, and I hoped my future. I couldn’t throw that away because of what I thought I had with Kayla.

“You’re in love with her,” Kayla realized sadly. I nodded.

“I'm hers,” I said quietly. She didn’t hear me, it was that quiet.

“How can you just switch like that?”

“It wasn’t a switch—”

“So all those times you said you loved me were a lie?” she accused.

“No, Kayla, it’s just—”

“If she had never come back, if she wasn't in the picture, you’d still want me then?”

I furrowed my eyebrows. “Uh, was that a threat?” I asked, astonished with the way she strung her words together and the harsh yet wondering tone she used.

Her frown deepened. She crossed her arms over her chest. “It can be,” she grumbled. My eyes widened.

“And you call me the crazy one—” I started to get up. She pulled me down again. “Let go of me Kayla.”

“I can’t! I told you I can’t! We were good, Vic! So good! I can’t let it end like this! Please,” she begged again, all though I couldn’t tell exactly what she was begging for.

“Kayla, stop this—”

“Closure, Vic. I need better closure and then I’ll leave you all alone, please.”

“Kayla you’re the one who fucked it up—”

She leaned close into me, her breath hot on my face. “You know that we are both at fault,” she said lowly.

“I know, but—”

“And I know you have her now,” she continued. She crawled closer to me, almost hovering completely on top of me. I leaned away from her warily, not wanting to set her off but not liking where this was going. I swallowed thickly. My heart was racing. “But I don’t have anyone—”

“You don’t need to always have someone,” I tried, stammering a little. I couldn’t deny that I was still attracted to Kayla, when she was like this. When she was nasty and angry, I was completely turned off. But when she was calm and normal and attempting to be seductive… she knew how to get under my skin. She knew what got me.

“I just need to feel it again,” she whispered, biting her lip. I gulped again. She placed her hand on the side of my neck and traced her fingers in place. I shivered. I knew I wasn’t supposed to react to her anymore, but I couldn’t resist the feelings she gave me. It was like the first time we met. We were into each other for purely physical reasons. I felt sick. I didn’t want to do this. I knew I had the ability to stop it. But when she gave me those damn eyes I had trouble resisting.

“Kayla,” I warned. I didn’t want a repeat of the Bree and Alyssa situation. I didn’t want to hurt Alyssa again just because I craved someone else a little more for the last time.

I guess that was one of my fatal flaws. There was always something about me that managed to mess things up…

“I know you want it, too, Vic, I can see it in your eyes,” she cooed into my ear. I closed my eyes when she kissed next to my ear. I shuddered. She moved her lips along my neck and jaw, hitting the spots that she knew would convince me. I would call her manipulative but that would be placing all of the blame on her. I was letting it happen. I was too easily swayed. A fatal flaw.

She pushed me back and I instinctively grabbed her hips. We kissed roughly. It wasn’t sweet and meaningful like it used to be, or like it was with Alyssa. It was like fire.

She pulled on my hair and bit my lip. I couldn’t say that I didn’t enjoy it. She straddled my waist and moved back and forth, causing a moan to growl out of my throat.

There was no going back. My head felt clouded with confliction before but now she was what I wanted in the moment. I was being selfish and I knew it but I also couldn’t stop. I didn’t want to, rather.

I pushed her back roughly and held her wrists up by her head, hovering over her this time. She smirked. I attacked her neck with my mouth, biting down in some places. She tried to move her arms forward but I held them still. I looked at her face, which was full of pleasure. She had her bottom lip in between her teeth. She moaned. “Just fuck me already,” she growled. I let her wrists go and immediately we were both peeling off our shirts. She undid her bra and started to unbutton her shorts. I hesitated on my mine, coming back to reality a little and questioning what we were about to do. “There’s no going back, Vic. You might as well finish the job,” she said lowly. She leaned up and undid my belt, flinging it off.

“We're never speaking again after this, got it?” I found myself saying, an attempt in justifying what was happening. It didn’t even sound like my voice.

“Deal. Make it good, then,” she said with a wink. When all of our clothes were off, I pushed her back again. I held my hand at her throat, not tight enough to hurt her but just enough to give her the right amount of rough pleasure. She squirmed and sighed contently. I held her there while I put a condom on with my other hand. We were both turned on by the roughness, the kind of sex we’ve never quite crossed into before.

She gasped when I pushed into her. “Yes, Vic,” she whined.

I grunted. She pushed her hands on my shoulders so I sat up more. She rolled her hips against mine. Then she pushed me back even more so she was straddling me again. “Fuck,” we muttered at the same time.

We fucked around for at least an hour. A good last time. Both caught in the moment, not thinking of consequences. When we were finished, we were both out of breath. I felt a little sick once I came down from my high but didn’t show it. She was evidently in bliss.

“God damn, why didn’t we do it like that ever before?” she asked, breathing heavily.

I shrugged my shoulders. “Probably because I actually liked you back then,” I said. I didn’t even mean to say that. She laughed out loud. I was glad it didn’t hurt her feelings, but at the same time I didn’t care if it did.

“Touché, Fuentes,” she said coolly. I sat up and grabbed my clothes from the floor, hastily putting them on.

“I should go,” I said guiltily.

She laughed out loud again. “Yeah, go off to your girl now. I’m sure she’ll be excited to see you,” she scoffed. My cheeks burned. I clenched my fists.

“Don’t be a bitch, Kayla,” I growled close to her ear. She turned her head and bit my ear with her mouth—not hard, but in a way that felt irresistibly good.

“And don’t be a stranger, Vic,” she purred. I shook my head. What happened here was a mistake. It wasn’t ever going to happen again.

My hands were shaking as I left her apartment. That wasn’t exactly the closure I expected to give Kayla. As if she even deserved closure. As if I even deserved closure. I sure as hell never considered it before hand, but in the moment…

I shook my head, driving back to my place. Alyssa was going to be there. Waiting for me to come back with a resolved smile. I shook my head again.

When I got back home, I couldn’t look her in the eye.

“How’d it go, Vic?” she asked sweetly.

I smiled as easily as I could and kissed her cheek. My lips burned. Her skin was so soft and sweet. “It was okay,” I lied. “I have to take care of work stuff for a bit,” I said, motioning to my cell phone and explaining that I had to make some calls, even though I didn’t.

“Okay!” she said, smiling widely at me. “We’re still good for tonight?” she asked.

I nodded reluctantly. “Yeah, seven?” She gave me a thumbs up.

It was already late in the afternoon. Alyssa went back to her house to check on her mom and hang out for a bit by herself. I was relieved because I couldn’t bear to be around her after what I had just done.

Mike was bound to be back very soon from LA. I couldn’t decided if I was going to tell him about what happened with me and Kayla or not. I felt dirty and unfaithful. I didn’t feel like myself.

Or maybe this was who I was now.

I wasted away the rest of the afternoon in my writing room. I didn’t accomplish anything worth using. It was all a mess.

There was a knock on my door. “Yeah?” I answered, looking up from my blank piece of paper.

“Hey, it’s me, I’m home,” I heard Mike say. I set my stuff down and went to the door to leave the room.

“Hey man,” I greeted him with a weak smile. “How was your trip?”

He shrugged his shoulders. “It was nice,” he said. “Not a bad drive, either.”

I nodded. My mind flashed back to all of those times I made the San Diego to Los Angeles drive. It wasn’t bad. My mind also flashed to that one time I had to speed there, the drive much shorter but a lot more unpleasant, when Logan killed himself. I started to feel a little sick.

“You okay, Vic?” Mike asked.

“Yeah, yeah,” I breathed. “Um, I’m taking Alyssa out tonight and can’t think of where to take her. Dating isn’t really our style but we want to go on one,” I said, rubbing the back of my neck.

Mike grinned and started walking to our kitchen. He sat down on the counter, swinging his legs. He held his chin in his hand, thinking.

“What about that cool pizza place? Project pie?” he suggested. I shook my head immediately. I had taken Kayla there. The last place I wanted to be was where Kayla and I had been together. Mike raised his hands in surrender and laughed. “Okay, okay, I’ll keep thinking.”

Eventually we decided to go to a new sushi place across the city. It was a fair distance away, giving us a nice amount of time to talk in the car. My hands were sweating the entire time so I didn’t hold her hand across the console like I imagined I would have wanted to. I didn’t want to touch her. My skin was tainted.

We held light conversation the entire way there. I still could hardly look her in the eye when we were sitting across from each other at the restaurant. Sushi was one of my favorites but I barely picked at my pieces.

I didn’t know how much time had passed on our date. I knew it wasn’t a good one. I was too distant. My mind was elsewhere. I ached with guilt.

“Okay, Vic,” Alyssa sighed, looking at me with a scrunched up mouth. “You’re acting funny. What’s up?”

I swallowed anxiously. I tried to look her in her eyes but I just couldn’t. I didn’t deserve to be in her presence. She deserved so much better.

I sighed heavily and ran my hand down my face in exasperation. “I fucked up, Alyssa.”

Notes

yikes!

hey guys

hope you're all still there. if so, ily, and thanks for being patient.
the other day i reread the entirety of innocent blood for inspiration. voila.

muahaha