“I’m worried about Alyssa,” Tony sighed. We had been at a brief band meeting, outlining a brief writing and recording schedule for the upcoming months. Mike had left quickly to go out with his increasingly serious girlfriend and Jaime had a dentist appointment, so Tony and I decided to get lunch. It didn’t cross my mind when he suggested it that he wanted to talk about something, but I guess this was what it was about.

“What’s going on?” I asked carefully; I was worried about her too. Something was different about Alyssa. I didn’t know what it was, but whenever we were with each other, she was extremely closed off and shy. Alyssa was never the shy type, maybe she’d get a little flustered but she always had a bubbly, outgoing personality. Something was clouding up my sunshine and I was determined to find out what that was. Maybe it was just the passed time, maybe it was just me not liking the fact that our relationship was different now. But if Tony saw it, too, then something was definitely off.

“Mom called me last week. She’s been hearing Alyssa having nightmares. So I’ve been staying there to help just in case. It’s scaring her and she can’t do much about it when she can hardly get out of bed herself,” he explained. I furrowed my eyebrows.

“Really? Why didn’t you tell me?” I asked.

“I’m telling you now, aren’t I?”

“Yeah, yeah,” I nodded. Sometimes I forgot easily that it wasn’t my place to be so absorbed into Alyssa’s life. That was her brother’s job. She was not mine, not yet. The past month we’ve seen each other around, but we were always with other people. Like Mike and I had discussed, we were slowly but surely reconnecting, as to avoid crashing into each other. I knew it was the right thing but it was killing me that I couldn’t kiss her. It was killing me that I couldn’t hold her late at night and trace circles on her skin and kiss her hair, and we couldn’t tell each other our secrets and feelings without even talking. I longed for that kind of intimacy with her; we used to be so close.

I shifted a little in my chair. “Have you talked to her about them?”

Tony shook his head. “See, that’s the thing. She has fits in the middle of the night and I go to calm her down, but in the morning she acts as if nothing had happened.” I frowned.

“Is it every night?”

“Nearly every night for the past week. Some nights are worse than others. But I don’t know, I don’t like the sound of it. She’s trying to be strong for mama but something’s eating her up, too.” He sighed.

“Is there anything I can do to help?” I asked. I hoped that it wasn’t over us. I hoped she wasn’t stressing out over our past like I did occasionally. I was starting to feel better about things but if she wasn’t then I wasn’t either. I thought things were going okay between us though. We were able to joke around each other, and most times Alyssa looked really happy. I’d notice her sometimes sinking back into her mind a little, but it wasn’t anything that raised alarms to me. Alyssa was a thoughtful person, even more thoughtful now. I didn’t think that was a bad thing. Maybe it was.

Tony sighed. “I don’t know. I don’t want to push any buttons by pestering her, but I don’t know,” he said.

“I wonder what it has to do with,” I said lowly.

“The thing is, I don’t think it has to do with you,” he said with another small, stressed sigh. I raised my eyebrow at him. “Not you, not your old relationship,” he shook his head. “It seems different. It’s not even like she’s crying—she’s yelling,” he explained.

“Yelling?”

“Yeah. Yelling and mumbling. Sometimes crying but not even that badly. She always mumbles something about being ‘stuck’. I don’t know what that would mean, though,” he said.

“Hmm,” I frowned. “She said that to me once,” I said quietly. “She was upset and kept mumbling it, but that was it. No elaboration. I don’t know what she meant,” I sighed and rubbed my forehead with my palm, distressed. And the first night she was back when she was upset, she kept telling me that it wasn’t me—she wasn’t upset over me. What was she upset over, then?

“Maybe I should talk to her,” I said.

“I don’t know,” Tony frowned.

“We have to do something about it, dude. She can’t just keep having nightmares and you can’t just keep staying there,” I pointed out. He nodded. “If it happens tonight, let me know. Ask her if I can come over to talk. If she doesn’t want me too, I won’t. But just ask,” I said. Tony sighed but nodded, a little reluctantly but also genuinely.

“So,” after a few moments of silence, Tony spoke up. He popped a fry in his mouth before continuing. “How are you doing?” he asked.

“Good,” I shrugged my shoulders.

“Yeah?”

“Yup,” I nodded. When I was younger, I was obsessed with my own demise. Those thoughts couldn’t invade my mind even if I tried. Sure I could get upset over things, I could feel a bit out of control, I could want to punch a wall or rip my hair out, but the extreme of wanting to kill myself just wasn’t there. I no longer imagined hurling myself in front of a fast-moving train; I no longer contemplated the many ways I could hurt myself; I no longer felt completely empty and dark inside. I had a mostly clear head, in that sense. I still felt a variety of feelings, but I was okay. I really was doing okay. I never thought back then that it was possible. I thought I would be forever stuck in that place. But it wasn’t impossible. It took what felt like forever but I was here. I was alive. Even without Alyssa’s hand to hold I was alive. Although it would be nice to have her again—that’d be the icing on the cake.

And then I wondered; Alyssa wasn’t okay in some way, but was it in this way? Was she struggling more seriously now? She used to have some problems with herself, but she was able to get help before it escalated too bad. But she never got real help, that I was aware of. All I knew was that she had stopped hurting herself while we were together. But could those kinds of feelings have returned to her?

“Yoooo,” Tony called.

I blinked and looked up. He was staring at me intently, his eye brows furrowed. Then another thought hit me—how was Tony? He had handled himself back then, too, but still. He was a quiet dude and you could never tell what he was feeling until you asked him. “How are you?” I blurted.

“I’m fine, Vic,” he said with a small chuckle, furrowing his eyebrows even more. “Why do you ask?” he tilted his head to the side, an amused grin plastered lopsidedly on his face.

“I feel like I haven’t asked in a while,” I said, wondering when the last time I asked him really was.

“You have, don’t worry,” he smiled. “You just got really freaked out there for a second,” he said, laughing a little again.

“Oh,” I smiled weakly, rubbing the back of my neck. And then I wondered, if Alyssa coming home and my feelings for her rekindling caused him to remember his old girl friend, Drew. I completely forgot about her—did he?

I shook my head, not wanting to bring it up. Tony saw other girls all the time. Drew and him didn’t last that long—yeah they got serious but not that serious. It was okay. I shook my head again because I was thinking too much. I shouldn’t even be thinking of these things. The past.

“Anyway…” he continued, his eyebrows raised at me.

“I don’t even remember what we were talking about,” I laughed a little. Tony rolled his eyes.

“Okay, man,” he chuckled. “It’ll be okay. I’ll talk to Lissy later, and if she has a bad night I’ll call you, okay?” I nodded in agreement.

“Sounds good,” I said.

The next few minutes we carried on normal conversation, finishing our burgers and talking about ‘normal’ things. I tried to avoid talking about our upcoming album work—we were going to be annoyingly busy in a few months so I knew I had to tone it back now when we weren’t really doing anything. I wasn’t even in extreme writing mode yet, but that was coming up and the guys knew it. I had to control myself for their sake.

After paying the bill, we lingered for a few minutes, chatting about random things. I asked him how his roommates Jaxin, Natalie, and Ruby were—husband, wife, and adorable baby. Jaxin and Tony had a clothing line together and were coming out with new stuff soon. I couldn’t wait because that meant new clothes for all of us.

As we went to leave, I felt someone tap my shoulder. I turned around expectantly, spotting a girl and boy. They looked like teenagers, her hair dark brown and hanging on her shoulders, which were covered by a—to my delight—a Pierce the Veil top. I instantly knew who they were and smiled.

“Hey, guys,” I greeted them, turning around fully and standing up.

“Hi,” the girl squeaked.

“It’s Sam, right?” I asked her, racking my brain for her face. And there she was—she was a fan I met two years ago at a San Diego show, she had given me a letter and everything. Her eyes bulged out of her head and she nodded. The guy next to her smiled widely and looked at the girl—his sister, if I remembered correctly—with excitement evident in his features. “And you're her brother? David?” he nodded, beaming. He wasn’t a huge fan of our music genre but he was a huge fan of making his sister happy. “How are you guys?” I asked.

“G-Good,” Sam stuttered.

“Hey,” I said softly. I stepped forward and gave her a careful hug—she hugged me back just as carefully and I gave her an encouraging squeeze. “Did you keep your promise?” I asked quietly so only she could hear. She sniffled in my ear and nodded before pulling away.

“That’s what I like to hear. Keep it up,” I smiled. She nodded, smiling back widely. She wiped her eyes with the back of her sleeve. I turned to David too, who was talking to Tony excitedly—about guitar. Now I really remembered; he loved guitar but never wanted to pursue it, but it sounded like he was much more enthusiastic about it now than before. He was into the indie style.

“Well, we just saw you guys here and couldn’t not say hi. But we don’t want to keep ya. Thanks for chatting,” David spoke up after a minute.

“It was nice seeing you guys,” I said.

“Oh, wait! Could I maybe get a picture with you guys? I didn’t get one last time ‘cause, yeah…” she trailed off, shying at the end and looking at the ground.

“Of course!” Tony said. She looked up and smiled widely at us. She handed her cell phone to her brother and he gladly took it. Tony and I went on either side of Sam and leaned in, smiling for the camera.

“Thank you so much!” she said excitedly, stepping away and taking the phone back.

“No, thank you,” I said. They smiled and waved. “Have a great day guys,” we said.

“I don’t know how you do that,” Tony said, shaking his head as we parted ways from the fans.

“Do what?” I furrowed my eyebrows. He was just as great with fans as any of us were.

“Remember them all! You have super human powers, I swear,” he said, shaking his head again.

“Oh,” I laughed. “I don’t even know why,” I said, scratching the back of my neck. I guess I just remembered the ones who I had real conversations or encounters with. They were all pretty memorable to me. I guess that was another indication of my problem—I could never forget anything. I was always remembering.

“It’s funny. But good job,” he laughed.

“I love the fans,” I said, scrolling through my instagram. I realized I was still following Kayla, so I cringed as a picture of us popped up. I never posted pictures of any girl I was with, only because I wanted to keep my instagram about my touring life adventures, not my love life. But I couldn’t and wouldn’t control what they posted, of course.

Although in this case I cringed. It was a picture of me taking a selfie while she kissed my cheek. Miss this loser, xo, read the caption. I rolled my eyes, looking down at the comments. Fans were freaking out, wondering what she meant and asking if we were broken up and all of that invasive crap.

“But not the fans that get all sucked into this,” I muttered. Tony peered over my shoulder to see what I was looking at and groaned out loud.

“Do you miss her?” he asked.

“Nope,” I said, putting my phone back into my pocket. “I haven’t even thought of her to be honest… is that bad?” Considering the fact we dated for a while. Tony shrugged his shoulders. I shot him a grin and poked his arm. “I love your sister too much,” I admitted with a laugh. Tony groaned and covered his face with his hands.

“Nooo,” he shook his head. “I have to get used to this again. Ughhhh,” he teased. I laughed, smiling broadly.

“Yes, yes you do,” I agreed with a nod. “’Cause I’m not going anywhere,” I added.

Tony continued in a low mumble, reflecting my exact thoughts: “And hopefully neither is she.”

--

After lunch with Tony, we went our separate ways. In a bad way, I wanted him to call me later, asking me to come over. I just really wanted to see Alyssa and make her feel better. Although, I obviously didn’t want her to be sad or scared. And even if she had a bad night, she might not even need or want me to be there. It was a waiting game for me; I knew exactly what I wanted—her—but I was afraid she didn’t feel the same for me. We were just both being overly cautious with our feelings—that was how it seemed for me on the outside. On the inside I was madly in love with that girl, I always have been and I always will.

Mike was in LA (again) so I walked into an empty house. It was really lonely here without the constant company of the other guys. But they all had lives to tend to while our band wasn’t in full swing. Unfortunately my life involved a lot of alone time and thinking. I usually just transferred that into writing—that was how I got sucked into intense writing phases that the guys had to nearly beg me to come out of.

“Hi.”

My head shot up at the quietly murmured greeting—I scanned the room and walked further into my house, seeing Kayla sitting out of character, calmly and sadly in the kitchen.

“Uh… hi?” I tried. She smiled weakly. “What are you doing here, Kayla?” I asked, feeling a little annoyed. It was weird, how I literally felt nothing for her in this moment because of her hurtful words and also because of Alyssa’s near presence. I should have expected that though, right?

“I wanted to talk to you.”

“I thought me not answering your calls was a pretty obvious sign that I don’t want to talk to you,” I said, furrowing my eyebrows and folding my arms across my chest. “How did you even get in here, anyway?”

“Jen dropped me off. And I still have my key,” she replied simply. My mouth formed an ‘oh’ shape but I didn’t make any sound. “So…”

“Honestly, Kay, what did you expect by coming here?” I asked, annoyed. She didn’t reply, just looked down at the floor. “Please just get out, I really don’t want to deal with you,” I sighed.

“Ugh, Vic! You never want to deal with anything!” she objected in a huff, standing up. I rolled my eyes.

“Fine, I’ll deal with this now then. Kayla, I don’t want to speak to you or see you again. We are completely over. This is not me giving up, this is me… realizing that I am not who I want to be when I’m with you,” I spat.

Kayla’s face reddened, not with embarrassment but with evident anger. “I didn’t mean what I said, okay?! I was just angry! Why can’t you just forgive me? I’ve forgiven you over so much shit before!” she argued.

“Of course you meant what you said, Kayla. I’d never forget what someone says to me out of anger. I’ve forgiven you already but that doesn’t mean I want you back. You obviously can’t accept it—”

“Neither can you! You’re the one who hid it for over a year, you selfish asshole!” she shouted.

“You didn’t make it exactly a walk in the park to approach you about anything remotely serious, Kayla,” I growled. “I’m not having this argument with you. I’m done. I’m much happier with out you.”

“Yeah, fine Vic. Just because that stupid bitch is back in town and fucking up your head even more than it already—”

“Get the fuck out, Kayla,” I snarled. I was glowering with anger; it was taking every ounce of control I had to not snap at her for calling Alyssa that. “And give me the fucking key,” I added. She shot me a nasty look and took the key out of her pocket, throwing it with a lot of force in my direction. It hit my chest and bounced off, onto the floor. I rolled my eyes and picked it up. Then I moved to the side, allowing her a clear exit out of my house. “Stop acting like a fucking teenager,” I growled as she passed. She just shook her head and slammed the door shut behind her.

“Bitch,” I muttered under my breath once she was gone. I let out a large sigh, which simultaneously let out all of my frustration with Kayla. I really, honestly couldn’t bring myself to linger too much on our arguments—I wasn’t upset at all. She pissed me off in the moment but I couldn’t over think about her. She wasn’t worth the trouble. Alyssa, on the other hand… she was worth all the trouble in the world.

It was amazing how quickly my mindset could change, all because of one girl.

----

When we weren’t on a tour schedule, my nights were slow and lonely. Mike was out as usual, and of course Tony and Jaime had their own lives. I should have my own life right now, too, but right now it was just me. I didn’t really have a life outside of music. I used to be social, always hanging out with different people; this week everyone was either away or, in the case of Kayla, I simply didn’t want to see them.

I decided not to write tonight and to actually get to sleep early. The past several nights I have been hitting the pillow at three in the morning, sleeping in a bit past noon and repeating the cycle. A bit unhealthy but once I start writing I can’t seem to stop, taking me until I literally have to pry my eyes open with my fingers to keep myself from falling asleep.

I yawned and settled into my bed. It was cold but didn’t bother me too much. I loved Kayla’s company in bed for sure but the thought of her right now repulsed me to where I’d rather be alone.

I rolled over and buried my head into my pillow. It had that classic detergent smell, freshly washed. I yawned again and curled up in my covers. It was only eleven at night but the second I got comfortable, it was over, I was going to be passed out in seconds.

I picked my head up lazily, my eyesight and thoughts both foggy. I turned my head, looking at the time—it was two in the morning, nearing three. I blinked and my eyes burned. I yawned and rolled over with annoyance. I could never sleep through the night when I did go to bed early—I didn’t even know why I tried to tonight.

I jolted up, though, at the sound of my phone buzzing. I reached over and grabbed it from the side table and squinted at the bright screen. I furrowed my eyebrows as I saw the name “Tony” flash across the screen—then my eyes opened wider in realization. I swiped to the right to answer the call while sitting up, rubbing my face. “Hello?” I answered quickly.

“Hey, Vic, it’s Tony,” he said, his voice a whisper.

“Yeah, I know. What’s up?” I asked, even though as I became more awake I also became more aware.

“I think she needs you,” Tony said. I couldn't help but smile—it only lasted for a brief second because that was when I realized that this meant Alyssa was upset, and I didn’t want her to be upset, ever.

“Oh, shit, okay,” I said, sliding out of bed. I put on a pair of sweatpants and a regular plain t-shirt. “Did you ask her?”

“Yeah. She’s a bit delusional though. Like from being tired and also upset. I asked her about you and she just nodded weakly. I’ll take that as a yes,” Tony said.

“Okay, I’m on my way then,” I declared, slipping on some shoes and grabbing my keys.

“Thank you,” Tony said with a small sigh. I nodded even though he couldn’t see but I didn’t think it mattered.

I got to our old house in record time. The house we lived our last teenage years in wasn’t that far from where we lived currently, luckily. The door was already open when I got up the front steps.

Tony wasn’t down stairs when I walked inside, which probably meant he was up there, with Alyssa. I quietly shut the door to not cause a scene and set my keys and phone down on the foyer table.

I darted up the stairs lightly. it was an instinct going to her room, I didn’t even have to think about what direction I was going in. I ignored the growing pit of nostalgia forming in my chest and focused on the issue at hand, in the present day.

I snuck down the hallway carefully, listening. I could hear Alyssa whimpering in her room already. Biting my lip, I pushed her door open, letting the dim light of the hallway slip through her cracked door.

She was curled up in her bed. Tony stood a few feet away from her, his facial expression conflicted and unsure. His head turned to meet mine when I walked further into her room.

“She won’t let me near her,” he mumbled as I passed. I nodded with a frown.

“Lyssa,” I cooed carefully. She sniffed and turned around, looking at me. Her eyes were puffy and I could see the lines of makeup going down her cheeks. “Hey, baby. What’s wrong?” I asked gently and stepped forward.

“Vic,” she mumbled. “It’s really you?” she asked, tilting her head to the side.

“Yes, Lissy, it’s me. Can I go over there?” I asked. I heard the close of her door and slightly turned, seeing that Tony had left. I turned back to Alyssa and saw her nodding.

I stepped forward timidly and placed my palm on her cheek. My fingers gently tangled themselves in her hair. “What’s wrong, angel?” I asked, leaning forward and kissing her forehead. I left my lips there for a few extra moments, savoring the feeling.

She sniffled and leaned her head into my hand. I slowly wrapped my arms around her body while climbing up onto her bed. “Talk to me, Alyssa.” I rubbed her back and pulled her into me, holding her close yet carefully as to not cross any unseen boundaries. At this, her body shook and she started to cry harder. “Shh, shh, shh,” I cooed, feeling more worried now that she was crying a lot more. She shook her head and mumbled something into my shoulder. “What’s that, baby?” I asked quietly.

“Help me Vic,” she sobbed. I held her carefully while she gripped my t-shirt tightly with her fists. “Help me. I’m stuck.”

Notes

Oh look at that, I actually updated! Sorry for the delay and sorry for the shittyness. If you're still with me, thanks for your patience.