“Vic, what were you thinking?” Mike said through gritted teeth. He rubbed his face with his hand and heaved a sigh.

“I wasn’t.” I hadn’t been thinking at all when I called Alyssa here. I knew it wasn’t fair to either of us and Mike was less than impressed.

He sighed again. “I don’t want any of that shit coming back,” he said quietly.

“It’s not.”

“It is.”

“Mike, I don’t understand you,” I said, standing up and running my fingers through my hair. “First you don’t like Kayla, and now you don’t want Alyssa back? Make up your mind!”

“I love Alyssa, you know that. But all of this,” he waved his arms around, motioning as if the impulsiveness of me calling Alyssa here was a tangible object, “cannot become a habit. I talked to Tony and we both think it’s best if—”

“Jesus Christ Mike. You guys can’t control—”

“We're not. We just want to make sure you—”

“Stop!” I shouted, closing my eyes and bring my hands to my head. “Just stop it, Mike. This is my life. You guys don’t need to make sure of anything.”

“Vic, just let me finish!” Mike sighed. “I know you have your own life and stuff, but we just want to keep you guys from hurting each other. I think it’s awesome that Alyssa’s back. And I’ve never been a fan of Kayla” I sighed and rolled my eyes at his comment “and honestly, you didn’t look too happy with her. I could see in your eyes that you were just settling for her. And I’m thrilled that you’re working things out with Alyssa. I want you guys to be together because I know how much you adore her. I just don’t want you guys to, like, crash and burn…?”

“I was thinking the same thing,” I sighed. “So was she.”

“About which part?”

“About the crashing. I’m afraid if we jump right back into things, I or we’ll both unravel and get out of control and I’m just afraid of how this kind of change at this point in our life will affect us…” I admitted. “Change,” I breathed.

“Look, buddy,” Mike patted my shoulder. “I know change is weird for you. Especially this kind of change. I know it’s scary and reminds you of all the bad changes that you have gone through” I cringed a little “but that’s what I’m here for. That’s what me and Tony and everyone else are here for.”

I nodded and sighed. “I guess you’re right.” I cracked a small smile. “Now I’m just imagining you guys pulling us away by our ears if we get too close.” I shook my head and sighed. Mike chuckled a little.

“I’m not against you guys at all, Vic. I just don’t want you to get sucked into the bad stuff again,” he said.

“Bad stuff?” I tilted my head to the side.

“I don’t want you too to get caught up with the past. Just be together now if you want but don’t over think how things used to be. Because I know you Vic, I know what you’re thinking, and I know you’ve done it already, and I know that you’re stressing out about it.”

I nodded. “Yeah,” I sighed. “Yeah, I know.” I blinked and looked down. “It’s fine.” I frowned a little and lightly tapped the wall with the tip of my foot. “My head’s spinning because she’s all I think about now and I can’t fathom how we used to be so in love and now…” I shook my head and swallowed. “It’s so stupid.”

“I know,” Mike said. “It’s life though, man. It’s not stupid. It sucks I guess but things had to happen in order for you to get to where you are today. And maybe you guys can fit into each other’s lives again. Don’t fret over lost love and shit, because it’s not lost – it’s right here, again. Don’t miss the old memories, make new ones,” he said carefully.

“Ugh, Mike,” I groaned. “Stop being all…” I scrunched up my nose and nudged his arm playfully. “…nice…” I finished. Mike rolled his eyes. I smiled gratefully at him, because even though he pissed me off the majority of the time he always knew what to say. I knew exactly what I’d be like without him so I was just thankful that he was here. I sighed and stepped towards him, wrapping him into a firm, brotherly hug. I clenched my eyes shut, effectively shutting off my thoughts from the past that were threatening to break down my walls. I set a few more bricks up and shook my head, letting them dry and settle together so I knew they were secure. I smiled and released Mike. I shook my head again, shattering the rear view mirror that seemed to be stuck in my head. The future was all that mattered, now. We still had so much time. I kept forgetting that but thanks to Mike, I felt a lot better.

“I dunno if this is bad timing or not but I gotta go now,” he said warily.

“Where you off to?” I asked with a yawn. I leaned against the hallway’s wall. We had been standing out here by the front door, where I had been lingering after letting Alyssa out. She had to go back to Tony and I knew I had to let her go. Saying goodbye without being able to really kiss her hurt but I had to be a respectable and mature adult, not an unleashed adolescent.

“LA.”

“When do I meet her?” I teased. He rolled his eyes and took his sunglasses that were hanging off the collar of his tank and put them on his face. Then he shrugged his shoulders. “Come on man, it’s only fair that I get to meet her,” I said, crossing my arms over my chest.

“Technically you’ve met her—”

“Instagram pictures don’t count,” I rolled my eyes. “She can not be your official ‘girl’ unless I approve,” I continued.

“Yeah, yeah, yeah,” he mumbled, dismissing me with the wave of his hand. “I’ll bring her down sometime when she’s not working,” he assured.

“Okay,” I said with a small laugh. “See ya later then?” he nodded.

“Yeah I’ll be back tonight. What are you doing today?” he asked as he turned further into the house, to the kitchen, picking up his hoodie-vest and Cadillac keys.

I followed him in and yawned. “Probably write some.” I shrugged my shoulders. Mike shot me a warning look. “I’ll be here, don’t worry,” I assured.

“Okay. Well, bye, then,” he said, scooping up his stuff. He waved slightly and walked swiftly back to the front door and out of the house. I yawned again and locked the door behind him before returning to my room upstairs. I scooped up my laptop and some notebooks I had been writing in at night and walked downstairs again and into our practice room. It was a large room, complete with various guitars and one of Mike’s drum sets, foot petals and amplifiers and other sorts of equipment scattered throughout. There was a leather couch on the side and posters of tours we’ve done on the walls, along with some Pierce the Veil album plagues and awards. Some letters were hung on the wall too, and a specific corner had a bookshelf full of fan letters and gifts. I walked to the other side of the room, to the desk where I wrote, and put my stuff down.

As I sat down, I found myself swiveling around in my chair for a few minutes, my eyebrows knitted in thought. I bit my lip and suddenly I had my wallet in my hands; I folded it open and gently took out the picture of Alyssa and I that I had kept in there. I smiled nostalgically at it, running my thumb over the cracked picture as if I was running my thumb across her cheek.

I sighed and leaned back, staring at the picture in hand. We didn’t look that different today—we both didn’t age much, only looking a bit more mature. Maybe in our eyes and hands we were different, my hands specifically being more calloused from years of playing shows. But we were mostly the same. My Alyssa. She was so beautiful—she still was. In the picture we both looked so happy, it had been the first night home from the hospital, our feelings for each other that night were intense as ever. We wouldn’t let each other go. Even at the prom itself, during the slow songs and we danced together; she told me, giggling, that we had made her friends jealous. I grinned at the memory.

She was so adorable when she was sleepy. I couldn’t keep my eyes off of her, afraid that if I even blinked she would be gone—or, rather, I would be gone. I stroked her cheek with my thumb, gazing at her lovingly as she was leaning into my side, tucked securely under my arm that was around her. She sighed happily and my eyes flickered up for a moment, meeting Mike’s through the rearview mirror; he had gladly picked us up from Alyssa’s prom to take her back to our apartment once it was over. He smiled weakly at me and then shifted his gaze back to the road, while I moved my eyes back to her.

“You’re so sleepy,” I observed with a chuckle. I had taken my jacket off so I was more comfortable but she was still in her dress and everything, her hair still in its curls and swept to the side, although her high heels were off of her feet and sitting in her lap. I yawned, finding that I was tired too. This was a lot of activity for me, a lot of human interaction in one night. I imagined that this was a lot for her, too. I sighed a little sadly. She clung on to me tightly, as I clung to her as well. And I couldn’t get out of my head that it just wasn’t fair that she had to suffer while I was getting better.

She nodded tiredly and lifted her head up, kissing my cheek lazily. I shifted her in my arms so she was leaning even closer into me, our heads together. My lips grazing across her cheek, I said, “I love you.”

“I love you too,” she murmured. I closed my eyes and nuzzled my face against the side of hers.

“I’m sorry,” I whispered. Alyssa brought her hand up and tangled it in the back of my hair. She shook her head.

“Don’t do that.”

“I can’t help it,” I mumbled. We were speaking lowly to each other, so we could only hear. Mike driving in the front didn’t exist in this moment; it was just me and her.

“I know. But still, don’t,” she said, soothingly running her fingers through my hair. “I love you no matter what. I’ll take you in any way I can get.”

“You shouldn’t forgive me so easily.”

“I was angry and sad first, but I had time to get over it. And I’d rather you get better in a healthier environment. I can really see how healthy you are now. I forgave you a long time ago. I want you here. I love you.”

I nodded and opened my eyes, pulling away from her to look into hers. They were watering a little but they also held a lot of life and light.

“I love you too,” I said. It was all I could say.

“Now forgive yourself,” she added quietly. I nodded, thinking to myself, I’ll try, but not saying anything out loud. I kissed her forehead and breathed her in, holding her close.

A few quiet moments passed, the only sounds being her regular breathing, Mike’s humming, and the car’s engine rumbling lowly beneath us.

I closed my eyes and tilted my head against hers, feeling like a child by falling asleep in the car but with her I was so calm and peaceful I couldn’t help it.

When the car lurched to a stop I opened my eyes, nudging Alyssa. The prom had ended around midnight, by the time we got back to the apartment it was almost one in the morning.

Alyssa had been invited to an after party but she was adamant about staying in with me, cuddling and watching movies together like old times.

“Thanks, Mike. I owe you one,” I said as we got out of the car. I held Alyssa’s shoes in one hand—her feet were too sore to put them back on—and her hand in my other.

“Don’t sweat it, dude,” he grinned. “I’m going out though.”

“Where are you going?” I asked.

“A party,” he shrugged his shoulders.

“Oh, okay. Be careful,” I warned. He rolled his eyes.

“And Himes and Tony are coming, too,” he added, sending me a wink that made my cheeks warm. I tightened my grip on Lissy’s hand but I was grateful to be able to spend some time with just her, now.

We all parted ways, and I ended up carrying the sleepy Alyssa upstairs to the apartment. I haven’t been back here yet since everything, but I pushed memories out of my head because they weren’t important anymore. The past of what I did wasn’t important—the present, being here with Alyssa now, was.

“Wanna change?” I asked. She nodded as I set her down. I locked the apartment behind us as we walked in. She smiled broadly at me and danced to my room. I laughed and followed her, setting her shoes by the door and my jacket over a chair. When I entered my room, I frowned slightly, seeing my bed—that I haven’t slept in, in weeks, months—unmade. My eyes darted to the spot I had nearly killed myself in but then I noticed that the floors were different, now covered with carpet instead of hard wood. The walls were painted a different color too. Everything was rearranged, except for the bed. The bed, the pillow cases and covers, it was all the same. And still the sheets were a tangled mess and the covers were falling off the bed, indicating a restless sleeper. My heart pounded in my chest. I glanced at Alyssa, she was staring at me sadly with one of my t-shirts clutched in her hands. She bit her lip nervously.

“Have you been sleeping in here?” I asked quietly. She nodded, looking down. “Oh, baby,” I said softly.

I walked up to her and ran my fingers down the side of her face. “It still smells like you,” she mumbled. She closed her eyes and tilted her head into my hand. Before I could say anything, she sighed a little and pulled away, holding up the t-shirt. She grinned at me, a toothy, happy grin. Transforming the mood because the past didn’t matter—only us right now. “I’m going to change.” She poked my shoulder. “Put in Finding Nemo?” she requested. I chuckled and nodded, grabbing comfy clothes for myself and kissing her forehead before returning to the living room.

I changed quickly and put in the movie, settling onto the couch and waiting for Alyssa to come in. I paused it at the beginning, because I knew she loved the beginning and wouldn’t want to miss it.

But she barely watched the movie. I spent most of it tracing my fingers along her bare thigh while she was infatuated with playing with my hair. Half way through, though, she was asleep.

I gently pet her hair as she slept quietly in my lap. I savored the way my fingers tingled when they touched her skin. Lissy hummed in her sleep and snuggled closer to me, her hands bunched together and almost gripping the hem of my shirt, her face turned towards my stomach. I smiled and continued to play with her hair, until her eyes suddenly flicked open.

She smiled sleepily at me and yawned. With her yawn, she stretched out a little. She slipped her hands under my t-shirt and traced them around, lifting her body up and pressing a kiss to the center of my chest. Her hands traveled up and around. I closed my eyes contently. Even though it was spent getting better, the months without her seemed so much more empty now that we were together again. “I love you,” she grinned, leaning up again and connecting our lips. She kissed me repeatedly on the lips as I mumbled the words back to her.

Then she moved, peppering small kisses all over my face, my cheek, my jaw, down to my neck. She placed her hands on my shoulders and pushed herself up from her laying position across me so she could move her leg around, straddling my lap. As she found her place there, her hands reconnected with the bottom of my shirt and her lips found my mouth. She slowly lifted my shirt up, her fingers tracing my skin as she went. And when I let her pull it off in its entirety, her palms roamed my chest and ribcage and back.

“What are you doing?” I hummed, my eyes closed as I enjoyed her touch too much. My hands hovered over her hips, unsure. Before she replied to me she lifted her hands and placed them on top of mine, grabbing them gently and placing them around her lower back. She let my hands go and I kept them securely there, holding her tightly against me. She raised her hands again and lightly touched them to my skin so her finger tips tapped against my jaw. She leaned forward and breathed lightly, the air tickling my face. She nuzzled her forehead against mine.

“Feeling you,” she murmured. “I need to feel you,” she repeated. I opened my eyes, meeting hers. They were watering up, her bottom lip trembled.

“C’mere,” I mumbled, pulling her close into me. She buried her head into the crook of my neck, her lips pressed into my skin and her arms fell so her hands rested on my bare chest. I gently rubbed her back, breathing calmly into her ocean-breeze scented hair. I rocked her back and forth and kissed the side of her head. She started to gently press kisses to the skin of my neck and I sighed contently. I needed to feel her, too. It had been so long since I had her in my arms. I squeezed my arms around her. “I’m here, baby.”

“I’m s-so s-sorry I couldn’t visit you,” she whimpered. I sighed lightly and shook my head.

“No, Lyssa. Not your fault,” I assured, kissing her head again. I had pushed her away—I just couldn’t see her after what I did, or, what I almost did. I had too much darkness in my head I could barely see her, and the blanket that weighed heavily on my shoulders made it impossible to feel her. Now that everything was brighter and the blanket was gone, I could breathe again, I could really feel her again. I slid my hands up her sides and gently pushed her back, she responded by lifting her head up so I could see her face again. I lifted my hand and swiped a tear away that had fallen onto her cheek; then I leaned forward and kissed her with as much passion as I could muster. I spread my hand out on her back securely and leaned forward into the kiss. “I need to feel you too,” I murmured.

My finger’s slackened around our picture. I bit on my lip and slid it back into my wallet, putting it away before the memory dragged me away. I slapped my wallet down on the desk and turned in my chair, opening my laptop. I started a fresh word document and my fingers hovered over the keyboard, unsure. The curser blinked at me angrily.

I shook my head and closed my computer, sliding it to the side. I opened a notebook and grabbed my favorite pen. As soon as I pressed it onto the page, words splattered out almost like ink splotches. All over the page, lines etched in deeply to show emphasis and pictures drawn to be a bit creative. I kept writing and writing, barely thinking until I stopped to look at what I had been doing. I gently set my pen down and held the several papers in my hand. My eyes scanned the messy writing.

Just like everything else I’ve been writing, my lyrics were little anecdotes from the past. Specific moments that I’ve shared with Alyssa. Specific moments that I wished I’ve shared with Alyssa. Specific times with Kayla, too—and times I wish we d idn’t have. Our breakup, how she didn’t understand how I was. The way Alyssa always understood. She was so forgiving – always. All of these stories revolving around this girl, this precious love of mine, underneath the layers of the words I had written. She was everywhere.

I groaned and, after dropping the paper, letting it float back down to the surface of the desk, covered my face with my hands. I rocked backwards in the chair and sighed. No matter how much I thought about Mike’s encouraging words and the potential of the future, I still seemed to be stuck – Alyssa’s words, although I wasn’t sure how she meant it when she said it – in the past.

Notes

Hiiiii. This is a bit of a filler; nonetheless i hope you enjoy! Yay for conflicted characters!

Sorry it's been a little while. Haven't had the motivation to write lately but I'm trying! Thanks for your patience - that goes for all of my stories as well. And please tell me what you think, I love to hear!! Thanks for reading, love you all! xo