Change The World

I didn’t want to open my eyes right away; I was afraid that she wouldn’t be there. I was afraid that it was all a dream.

But then I felt the bed shift. Someone was here and I prayed that it was really Alyssa. I peeled my eyes open and saw someone’s legs, someone’s knees, they were crossed together. My eyes traveled upwards and there she was—Alyssa, sitting up and staring down at me. I couldn’t distinguish the expression on her face.

I bit my lip and slowly sat up, so I was cross legged and facing her, too. I ran my fingers through my hair once and for a while we just stared at each other, wondering if this was really real. My heart twisted and, like it had its own mind, reached out for Alyssa, like a little kid begging, arms extended and legs kicking for the candy in the window of the shop.

“Alyssa,” I murmured. Her name tasted sweet on my tongue. I reached my hands out carefully, silently asking for hers. She slowly placed her palms against mine. Her hands were small and soft, just like I remembered. “Can I ask you something?” She nodded. “The other day… what did you mean when you told me that… when you said, I know you don’t need me anymore, but now I really need you – what does that mean?” I asked. She looked down, unresponsive. “Alyssa,” I said softly. “I understand why you’d think otherwise, but I need you—I always need you. And what do you mean—” I stopped myself when I saw her shaking her head. She looked up at me and I couldn’t help but notice how her eyes looked a little sad.

“It’s nothing, Vic, nothing,” she said, smiling softly.

“Obviously it’s something, Lis. Why would you—”

“Vic, please,” she muttered. “I shouldn’t have—”

“You can tell me, Lissy. You can always talk to me…”

“I know… I just missed you, that’s all, okay?” she said, smiling gently. Her eyes weren’t meeting mine, though, but before I could speak again—

“Vic?”

I turned my head, seeing Mike in the doorway, his expression shocked. Instantly, awkwardness coated the air.

“What’s, uh, going on in here?” he asked, giving me a disapproving look. Alyssa was blushing and avoiding eye contact with both of us. I sighed.

“Mike,” I muttered with a small glare. He raised his arms in surrender and spun around on his heels, shaking his head as he exited my room. With him gone, the atmosphere was less awkward but it was still a little heavy. I bit my lip and shifted back towards Alyssa. I tentatively – unconfidently – reached my hand out to touch her cheek. She lifted her head up and her eyes flickered to mine as soon as my thumb made contact, but as I started to brush it across her cheek she turned her head away. I dropped my hand so it was in my lap.

She lifted her own hand and held it on the cheek I had just touched. She tilted her head into her hand and closed her eyes. I waited for her to say something—nothing. I couldn’t say anything myself—I didn’t know what to say and I also didn’t want to say anything, afraid that it would shatter the delicate relationship between us. I bit on my lip and just stared at her—her eyes were closed, her hand was still on her cheek, a piece of her hair had fallen across her face.

Her other hand was in a tight fist in her lap. I noticed her other hand slightly shaking. It fell from her face and joined her other hand, she wrung her hands together.

“Alyssa,” I murmured. She kept her eyes closed and shook her head, tightening her hands together. I reached over and gently touched her balled up hands, but at my contact she ripped them away. Her eyes snapped open—they were red and watery.

Something wasn’t right—Alyssa wasn’t okay.

“Why are you crying?” I asked carefully. She shook her head again. “I’m sorry,” I blurted, as if I had any clue as to what I was apologizing for.

“You shouldn’t be sorry,” she smiled weakly. “You’ve done so well, Vic. I’m so proud of you.” She reached over and placed her palm on my cheek, her smile fading away. I was afraid that if I moved, she’d disappear. So I stayed as still as possible, savoring the feeling of her hand on my face and holding my breath. “…and here I’ve come back, messing everything up for you…” she finished lowly, dropping her hand and shamefully bowing her head.

I laughed shortly. “You think I don’t want you her?” I asked humorously. She looked up and bit on her lip. I inhaled deeply and let the breath come back out slowly as I leaned closer to her. “I’ve been good, yes. But I’m not as instable as I was ten years ago. And with you here I’m even better. I promise. I’m not living in a lie with you.” She looked down and mumbled something I couldn’t make out. I only saw her lips move as she slightly shook her head. As I went to say something, she looked up at me and spoke:

“We’re each other’s pasts—”

“So you don’t… you don’t want this... us… a future?” I asked, unsure.

“I didn’t say that.” She leaned close to me and kissed my cheek softly. She kept her lips on my skin for a few moments, then she rested her forehead against my temple before pulling away again. “Of course I love you—always. But we are not the same anymore… we have to start over…”

“I understand that. I know, Lis,” I said with a nod. “We’ll take it as slow as we need…” I trailed off though, a horrible truth twisting in my chest. I was naturally selfish—I needed and wanted Alyssa so bad now that she was here, she was suddenly everything to me all over again. But have I considered her feelings? What if she didn’t want me in that way again? I felt it but I didn’t know if she felt it in the same way, too.

“Stop being so damn stupid, Vic,” she said, a small smile playing on her lips. “Of course I want you in that way again. I let you kiss me, remember?” Of course I remembered. I subconsciously licked my lips, craving hers again. “I’ve never loved anyone else,” she whispered.

She never moved on? Did she ever try? Questions I weren’t going to ask but I couldn’t stop from thinking. I looked down at the sheets between us. Guilt washed over me again—I had tried to move on—I did move on, for the most part, only because I thought I didn’t have a choice and the guys even encouraged me, saying that it was no use waiting for a girl who wasn’t coming home.

But now here she is.

“What did you do all that time in New York?” I asked lowly. A beautiful girl like her, how could she not attract attention? She shook her head, a smile on her face but it was one of those pained, ironic smiles. “Lyssa,” I mumbled.

“Thought about you a lot,” she said quietly. She twisted her fingers into the sheets. My heart pounded in my chest.

“Why?” I asked in a hoarse whisper.

She shrugged her shoulders. “I…” she shook her head.

“Lissy,” I encouraged. She looked upset, her eyes were watering again. A knot formed in my throat, seeing her this way.

She took a shaky breath and smiled weakly again. Trying to be strong on the exterior but I knew something was off on the inside. I was determined to find out what that was. “I couldn’t let you go… I-I needed to hold on to you,” she finally said, the words being choked out before she started to cry to herself.

“Alyssa,” I sighed and leaned forward, closing my eyes and pulling her into my embrace. I held her tightly and her head rested on my chest. “Don’t cry baby, I’m here, we’re here,” I cooed softly, kissing the top of her head.

She mumbled something against my shoulder, I felt her mouth move and the vibration of her words against me, but I couldn’t determine what she was saying. I petted the back of her hair and kissed the top of her head again.

“It’ll be okay,” I assured in a murmur. She wasn’t crying anymore but her body was trembling. She nodded against me. It had to be okay.

“It’s been so long,” she said quietly. I went to pull away to look her in the eyes but she clutched onto me tighter, causing me to chuckle a little.

“What’s been so long?” I asked even though I knew.

She squeezed me and shifted against me. “Having you,” she murmured. I closed my eyes and held her even tighter. This was all I’ve ever needed. She was all I’ve ever needed.

“You have me,” I mumbled as I ran my fingers through her hair.

She nodded. She turned her head and kissed my shoulder. She breathed in deeply, like she was taking my presence in. I still couldn’t believe she was here either. I couldn’t believe we had gone so long without seeing each other. I knew we drifted apart but it’s been years.

“What took you so long?” I asked quietly. I wasn’t trying to stir things up between us—I wasn’t blaming her, but I had to know. She could ask the same question back at me if she wanted.

“Stuck,” was all she said.

“Stuck?” I questioned.

She didn’t answer verbally; she just nodded her head and clutched onto me tighter.

“I should have made time for you. We’ve gone to New York City—I should have visited you, or at least called. I’m sorry—” she shook her head and pulled away. She stared at me intently and placed her hand on my cheek.

“You were right not to call. It would have made things worse, seeing each other in small spurts. I wouldn’t have gone,” she said lowly, her eyes were dark as she spoke. I couldn’t tell if they were full or empty with that color. I tried to look into them but it was like she was blocking me.

I tilted my head to the side. “You wouldn’t’ve gone?”

She shook her head and gave me a sad smile. My heart sunk. So she really didn’t want to see me all that time? Even though she thought about me a lot? Meanwhile I didn’t think of her often but now I’m feeling the pain and guilt of not seeing her? I didn’t understand.

I grabbed Alyssa’s hand. “Let’s go away,” I blurted. She looked at me questioningly. “I’m so confused, Alyssa. I want to go away but I can’t run away from everything again. Go away with me,” I encouraged. Alyssa smiled sadly again and gave my hand a squeeze.

“You can’t do that to the band,” she said. “And I can’t do that to mom…”

I nodded in understanding. “…right,” I said. But she didn’t deny that she wanted to.

“Is that how you handle your feelings now?” she asked. I didn’t answer right away because I was too concentrated on her thumb brushing against the back of my hand. And when I did answer it was a mumbled, “how?”

“By isolating yourself,” she replied.

I nodded. “It’s more of a focus thing,” I said. “Like for music and stuff.”

“Your escape,” she said. I nodded. Music was my escape—always. “You can’t always escape though,” she continued.

I nodded. I knew that. I couldn’t just bury my feelings and then spill them onto paper forever—especially when those feelings had to be resolved with other people and not just myself.

“I’m sorry,” I murmured. I leaned closer to her and tucked some of her hair behind her ear. She shied away from my touch and I frowned. Before I could say anything, though, the delicate quietness between us was broken with the sound of her phone ringing.

“Hello?” she said into it. She visibly flinched and I furrowed my eyebrows. Then she laughed humorously. “Relax Tony. I’m fine.”

“Why do you need to know?” she asked. Then she rolled her eyes. “You’re my brother, not my dad—I haven’t run away! I’m still in San Diego. I’m not going anywhere Tony I promise,” she said weakly. “I’m just at Vic’s,” she said, her eyes flickering up to me and then back down to their usual spot on the sheets. “He needed me,” she mumbled. My cheeks heated up and I looked down. “I needed him.”

“Tony stop yelling,” she mumbled into the phone. I couldn’t understand what Tony was saying exactly but I could hear his voice. He was so damn protective over his sister, which I had to understand but it still aggravated me—he treated her like he was his father, not her older brother. But again, I had to understand because he was just like me in that he hasn’t seen this beautiful girl in front of me in way too many years. He was hurt too. I could understand why he would be upset, especially when she was here and not with him.

And then I suddenly felt extremely guilty. I had called her here. I had needed her. I had thrown away my years of no incidents because I couldn’t handle my head and just plain needed her.

“He’s not mad at you, y’know,” she said suddenly. I looked up at her in confusion. She set her phone down in her lap and blinked. “He’s mad at me for coming back.”

“Are you kidding?” I asked, shocked. I knew Tony missed his sister—his family. Why would he be angry with her for coming back? She looked down, her face neutral.

“He’s mad because he was over it. And you were over it. And now I’ve gone and—I mean, look at us. I’m here. I shouldn’t’ve come here, Vic. I shouldn’t’ve showed my face. You were so sick earlier, over me. You haven’t been like that in years. I don’t want you to go downhill again—”

“Alyssa,” I said firmly. I grabbed her head gently between my hands. “Stop blaming yourself. We’re both wrong, okay? We both gave up something that was… that was obviously too strong to really ever, truly go away…” I murmured. “Tony’s just mad because he’s your brother, and he loves you a lot. He’s mad that we all carried on like things were okay but they weren’t. You’re home. I want you home.” I leaned closer to her and kissed her forehead—her lips had been in a tight line and I didn’t think she wanted me to kiss her again, for now.

Soon she relaxed, her body loosened from its tense position. I removed my lips from her forehead and slowly dropped my hands. “We have to stop thinking about the past—about our past—before we drive ourselves crazy,” I said lowly.

She sighed. She reached out and touched my cheek with her palm. She curled her fingers against my cheekbone. “I’m afraid we already have…”

She mumbled the words, not daring to make eye contact with me. Alyssa was everywhere in my head all over again. Not being with her made me feel insane. The past was crawling under my skin, it was a pest trying to invade and take over and the more I battled it the more it resisted. She was the only cure—the past was in the rear view mirror and I couldn’t get my eyes off of it—dangerously so. The only thing that could make me look forward, my eyes back on the road ahead, was if Alyssa was there. If I saw her through the front windshield, standing in the roads ahead with her beautiful hair swaying in the wind even though she was basically waiting to be hit head on by me—the still diagnosed schizophrenic, who’s been doing okay but was slowly losing sight of everything again, unraveling, the road blurry and my foot stuck on the accelerator. In this moment it felt like to me that the only way out of this mental mess was with a crash.

Notes

Sorry it's been awhile! Yikes!


But, thanks for reading and sticking with me :)

Let me know what you think? Any predictions? Thoughts?
What do you think about their conversations? What's up with Alyssa? And Vic and his thoughts for that matter?

I feel just as confused as our characters here hahahaha



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